My Happy Place

A little jazz piano. Calms my soul.

Good thing I kind of hate living here, because in 42 days I will not be living here. Even though I've already decided it will be the most difficult ripping off of the band-aid...good thing Paris and I will be meeting, and most likely falling in love.

I'm thinking of slow-playing this new years. My plans fell through, and I don't completely mind. I don't feel like going out, getting rowdy or intoxicated...basically making a big deal. I just want to do something low-key.

I don't think I could care less about Obama. Or the political realm at all.

I actually sorta like the rain...but I fear the freeze. I have a really big fear of falling down. Which is stupid.

Thank God for good coworkers. If I didn't like my coworkers, I think the slow days as of late would have driven me out of my mind. If I'm not talking about everything, I'm laughing. Dunn Bros is still my happy place.

MSP to CDG: Overthought

I'm set to do something I completely believe in, but I think it will be the hardest thing I've done so far. Just getting on the plane.

On the drive home tonight, I was thinking about everything. And see, I wouldn't really say I'm an overly emotional person, but I have a lot of feelings and I'm an over-thinker. So I have all these feelings, and then when I get around to thinking about them (too much), that's when the emotions hit.

My best friend is getting married, and I won't be here. Another of my best friends is having a baby, and I won't be here. There's this guy...and I won't be here! Someone else I know, is having a baby and I won't be here! My friends will be living life, and I won't be here. My brother will be living life, and I won't be here (you can borrow my friends, Shayne...they're sorta yours too anyways).

I spent an hour driving around, crying - though not dramatically, as it sounds. Embarrassed? a little, despite the fact that I was alone.

I feel caught in this purgatory of
-knowing that this DTS is something I really want to do and is a life-altering thing, and
-knowing that there are a host of things I will be missing, leaving behind, loosening my grip on
...and it's scary. I'm fully committed, but a bit scared out of my wits.

What does it look like to take six months of my life and do this? What is it like when I come back? What if I don't want to come back? I think this is me freaking out a little bit and I can't fire giant rhetorical questions at myself (via blog!) It doesn't help.

Just know that I'm going to miss everything, like crazy and no one should try to convince me to stay because I don't want it to work. And right now, it might work.

I'd Never Known

I'd never known a despair,
Like the one that hung in the air,
The darkest of my life those days in september,
It only barely stings now to stop and remember,
Still the heavy weight of the hurt and the hate,
Is somewhere in my soul,
Wondering if I'll ever fill that hole,
To think of all the tears that I cried,
Because they never tried to think of me,
And where I'd be,
In the minutes, days, and weeks after what they said,
When I'd toil it over and over in my head,
Now in my heart a tender ache,
Only a fraction of the feeling,
An ongoing struggle of healing,
And I can never dwell too long,
On the things that I felt so strong,
I try not to think of how my heart broke,
Then I force myself to choke back tears again,
Though I cried plenty then,
Til my nose ran red,
I wish you knew what you said,
Could leave such a stain on me,
Then possibly we would be,
Somewhere different than we are now,
But I can't help to think how
Despite the pain you donned on me,
Without you I'm better than with you I'd be.

The Different One?

Every time, I think everything's just perfect! Then after, I see how it wasn't at all. This time, it really seems too good...but I just end up telling myself it's still going to end up the same way and that once I'm over it I'll see the holes. Even though a part of me thinks that's not true, - I just don't know if it's the stupidly optimistic, naively hopeful part of me; or the perceptive part.

One thing that I always tell myself does apply: this far, I've been greatly blessed. Which is the only way I can reconcile breaking my own quick-to-love, sentimental heart how I tend to do, every time.

Salvation

Ever realize you have headphones in, but aren't listening to anything? Nor were. Hmm...remedy, please!
...
Band: The Swell Season
Album: Strict Joy
...
The title the album is ironic, because I had such a horrible week. I felt so down in the dumps, so discouraged, so bored, so stagnant, and so drained. So not myself. So disillusioned with life. I am not that way at all; stupid daily tasks can be found enjoyable. I don't know what it was, but this week...

And so yesterday, I decided today was going to salvage the week. And maybe it didn't save the whole week, but it was a nice redemption of my typical spirit versus the shadowed one I donned this week.

Today, I felt the Lord. I found amusement. I found beauty. I shared great company. I laughed so much. I was embraced. I was seen for who I am. Today was so much better than what the week would've had it be.

If I stop to think about it, I'm slightly amazed by potlucks. I mean, you go to a party and a good amount of attendees brought a dish? Wow. That's kinda cool. Seems stupid, and so obvious, but to take your time energy and resources to feed a bunch of people [like me who could only partake], it's just cool. I tend to believe in the good in the world too much, then get discouraged when it fails to be present. But something as simple as a potluck, is really cool to me.

Tonight, I thought to myself, I never get to see my 3 pseudo-roommates together anymore. Tonight, they all stood in front of me, and just being around those ladies brings me joy! They're spectacular.

I don't know where I'd be without laughter. As horribly cliche as it sounds, it's healing. When I'm with people that find the same amusement in the same stupid, or pointless, or witty things that I do, - I don't know what else to say. That is my favorite thing. What is an argument? What is a competition? What is being the best but being it alone? Wasteful. Laughter is where it's at.

O Holy Night! I continue to love my church more and more, every sunday, and every day that I long and wait for sunday! That place is so awesome. I can't be more creative in explaining it, because the experience says it all. I find it hard to go to a service there and not be provoked to some sort of personal revelation. I am so thankful for the effect that place - those people! have had on my life!


Long lay the world, in sin and error pining,
Til He appeared, and the soul felt its worth!

What a day.

Defragmenting

I bought a giant poster of Paris to put on my wall and have something concrete for my visual mind to aspire to.

I've been really into pretzels lately...which is weird cause I kind of hate pretzels.

I worked today, like in high-gear for the first time in a while. It felt nice, I think. My hands bled on several occasions. [I cannot spell occasions without the help of spell check.]

I finally get around to saying, "What's the point in arguing about it? Can I just say that? It's stupid." and they all just look at me and start agreeing...that they weren't arguing. I leave.

I'm stuck in a rut. I listen to so much folksy music! I need less music that I can sleep to. I have way too many playlists that have some form of the word "sleep" in the title.

I think I hit "over-time" at work. Oops. What even happens?

This is a glimpse of how my brain functions. Or maybe a glimpse of how it de-fragments at the end of the day, but to a blog instead of a person. I just need to do it. Regardless of the fact that it serves almost no purpose, and does not fit the typical style of a blog. I need this. I need to let my brain rattle off some things...and now I'm gonna go watch a movie.

Relationships: You're Effortless

Over my single-dom, I have had both the good and bad fortune to listen to people's relationship problems. There have been times, several recently that I've found myself very discouraged by others' relationships. It's to the point of thinking, maybe never having one would be better, - which, if you knew me as well as I do, is very unlike me.

Essentially, I've come to a point where I both desire and fear romantic relationship. Maybe it's because I take it so seriously, that I don't just want to date to not be single; maybe that mindset makes the whole idea more heavy. But really, I feel like it's so seldom done well, that the idea of even taking a crack at it makes me nervous.

People are so much better at hurting each other, and putting themselves first than being in a healthy relationship. Man, I sound jaded and I've never even myself dated. Then I think, it can't be completely horrendous if I find someone who thinks like me, but that seems impossible. It seems like waiting for the kind of person you want leaves you with fermented eggs and watching Matthew McConaughey movies with your 7 cats.

I mean not to take this down a comedic road, so I'll set myself on track again...

The thing I came to realize tonight while in discussion with my best friend - thank the Lord for her - is that relationships are not stereotypical. We try to make them so, to make things "easier". But in all reality, each relationship is different.

There are far too many variables: who you are, who they are, your pasts, what you're going through now, what your expectations - goals - fears are for the future. There are so many factors that not one relationship is comparable to another! There are no real expectations, there's no real time-line, there's no real stencil to how it's done.

This revelation to an extent makes the whole thing that much more nerve-racking! It also made me breathe a little easier. That the advice people have, I can take or I can leave. The problems they have, will not be mine. The time they take or don't, will be different. The limitations and standards they have will not be the same. Everything will be what it is for me and whoever I'm with because there really is no standard measure. Not any relationship is the same as another.

"you're effortless, you know you are, and all i want to do, is let you lead me off into the dusk" - tired pony

30 Days Hath November

This is a list of one thing from each day that I was thankful for and found to be a blessing.

1st - I did not do a single dish today.
2nd - Sat next to my brother at movie night.
3rd - Told someone about YWAM & my big dream, & she was excited & encouraging.
4th - Many, if not every last one of my coworkers made me laugh today.
5th - Thrifted with BuddyHolly! Holl-ster! Hollywood!
6th - My best friend got engaged today!!!
7th - My saturday night tied into my sunday morning (sermon-wise)
8th - Documentary date [movie] night with Kelly; laughing
9th - I got one of the best phone calls of my life.
10th- I did not wear any make up. At all.
11th- A customer played really good piano upstairs at work.
12th- I got to hug my best friend IN PERSON for the first time since AUGUST. (our 2nd best hug ever)
13th- Shared a dozen donuts with Sara (& 3ish other people)
14th- Sat at church next to my best friend
15th- Sara's class was canceled (one more hour quality time)
16th- Smiled a lot :)
17th- A last minute switch of outfits from frumpy to skirt & cowboy boots.
18th- Jason made me laugh a lot today at work.
19th- Thrifting with Abby
20th- Josh kicked out the drunkard for Jaidyn & I, then helped us close.
21st- Working with Holly.
22nd- Being remembered (/missed?), and being giggly with Abby. Two. Oh well.
23rd- Green bean casserole lessons & raspberry covered cheesecake! (& awesome prayer)
24th- Awesome ladies who let me crash at their house!
25th- Cuddling.
26th- Ran to the corner store only to find out they don't have crayons.
27th- My mom checked if I was awake for work (at 5:30AM) & then packed me a bfast.
28th- My family played pictonary and charades. No one fought or talked politics.
29th- Alex did 98% of the dishes again today. That is an exact statistic.
30th- Fancy Night! with the whole gang, watched better off dead.


When I look at a list like this, and know some days it was hard to choose just one thing (nearly every day), November was pretty stellar.

Four of Which

The other day, I was thinking about it. And I am not the biggest fan of winter. Snow is fun and picturesque until January 2nd. Then I'm done.

I love sledding, at least once. Though I don't usually go. I like the first good snowfall, I always do donuts in my car around the neighborhood. I like to ski but haven't gone since 7th grade. So maybe I don't anymore, haha.

The only other things I love about winter (holidays don't count), are all related to the sky:

I love that 1 a.m. brightness that happens sometimes. It's like broad-daylight, but it's the middle of the night. Then, those winter nights when the sky is a starry-sprinkled perfect crisp navy. Sunrise in the winter, seems to be inevitably beautiful. Sunset and twilight are one. They are, of course, my favorite winter sky. It's so romantic it nearly hurts! The seamless blend from one such different color to another.

Those are the times when I think to myself, Winter is not a completely destitute waste of a season. There is some beauty here.

Introspection?

I'm over-analytical.
I talk too much, - I've been told even occasionally in my sleep.
I'm nosey, and I don't care; if you don't want to answer, don't. I won't be offended.
I tend to interrupt. As a style of conversing, if you will.
I have restless toe/foot syndrome.
I wish I could just be friends with everyone, but I keep finding out that's not possible.
I'm stubborn mostly when faced with stubbornness (I can play too).
Holy crap, I can be awkward. Ha.
I am an awkward-phone person. I prefer not to call.
I stutter and mumble, - if I could manage it, I would.
I speed and don't care.
I giggle, and for some reason people don't get it. I don't even know.
I get told that I smile a lot, and it baffles me. Doesn't everyone?
I procrastinate on everything that "matters"...papers, bills, appointments, etc.
I could be really good at something, but the moment I know someone's paying attention, I fail miserably.
I remember nearly everything. If there's something I forget that I wish I remembered, I get almost panicky.
I can't think just to myself, I need to talk about things with people; sometimes many, sometimes only the ones who really know me.
I can rarely help but laugh at farts. I don't care if that makes me two.
I love to sleep. I will sleep until I don't need to, if given the opportunity.
I can be both very articulate, and very inarticulate.
I have a very random thought pattern, sometimes I can't even follow.
I am horribly loyal, with which comes irrational protectiveness.
I know myself very well, but am constantly learning more...and this makes me feel self-centered.

Or can I call it introspection?

That Thing You Said

It all started in July,
That thing you said,
Made me cry,
- But that was only days ago,
See,
I don't understand why I should know,
Of such good intention,
By accidental mention,
Cause it sank into my heart,
And that's what I say was the start,
I let myself ponder it too long,
And over and over,
I listened to that song,
And every time,
You surprise me,
But something inside defies me,
Keeps me from thinking that this is justified,
All the while wondering if maybe I just tried...
Maybe if I wasn't so terrified,
Of breaking my own heart,
Yet another time,
Maybe what I'd find is sublime,
But for now,
It's just fine.

What To Think

I don't know what to think anymore,
I think I should give up thinking so much,
Maybe loose count of each time you touch,
Slow my heartbeat,
Keep track of my feet,
These such high expectations,
Or maybe high hopes,
When my feelings are tangled,
Like ropes,
So how I plan to get myself grounded,
I don't know - I'm confounded,
Lost in my own mind,
Sifting through everything,
For answers I can't find,
Giving up,
Then again taking hold,
Wishing I could be more bold,
Scared of what will come of this,
Or won't,
Whether you take interest,
Or don't,
Hope I don't get hurt again,
But know it's probably too late when
All this is racing through my head.

Where I Always Put Me

Why am I in this random moment of discouragement? What is this? I just keep stupidly expecting people to be better at life than they are. And for that matter, - though in a different variation - that I am better at life than I am.

Maybe I've been being too independent from God. Setting my heart on things that maybe aren't what he has for me. It's a little scary sometimes to leave it up to someone who won't tell you what they're doing. Though I guess that's exactly where I find myself, though not with God but with people.

I just want to know what's going on. And I lean into my perceptions too much at times, which just ends up getting me hurt. And that stinks the big one. I've done it before. I've put myself somewhere, thinking it's where I belong, then only when I fall on my face do I realize that I set myself up to get my feelings hurt.

At the same time as the idea of becoming jaded into thinking that everyone sucks, that disappoints me more than anything combined.

So it's cyclical; I will go about life getting myself hurt by people, let down, and I will just keep hoping I meet another person that's different. Another person who aims their best not to self-serve, not to put down others and discourage them, not to take in hearts but take no care. As naive as it feels every time someone hurts me, I'll go on living this way. Because the other way doesn't interest me.

Nearly November

Oh November, you tricky devil! You snuck up on me! I had so much planned for November, but now that I think about it, something might have to go.

My brother is getting married in Bulgaria, the weekend of the 20th. Sadly, I'm too poor to afford to go, though I'd love to go. How often does that happen? Only once. Boo.

The weekend of the 12th-14th, I'm heading down to Chicago to visit my lovely dearest Sara at school. A whole 2.5 days with her! Whoa. I haven't seen her in person since August...what the EFFFFFFFFFFF? I don't know how I'm living. The oxygen helps but...

I had wanted to do the Daniel Fast (eating only veggies, fruits, & unleavened grains) but for the last week and few days I was weirdly sick. I still don't even know what it was I had, - thank God I never puked. Anyways, haha...I want to do that, but it's 21 days. If I start Nov. 1, I'll most likely break while visiting Sara (we eat when we're together, - it's literally our joint activity). So the debate is whether in knowing I will inevitably cheat, if I should do it.

Lastly, but not leastly, I've really wanted to do NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month, love the abbrv. tho) but I think with everything else going on, I'm not likely to get anywhere close to the goal which makes me not want to do it. But I want to!

November, you look a challenge, but I want to take you. See you on the 1st!

Fall Fling

I have been thinking in analogies a lot lately. I have this one that's been in my head for a couple days, but I can't figure out which is the analogy for which.

See, Minnesota in the fall is beautiful! I love fall. It's all windy, and sweepy and romantic. But it's a fling, - it doesn't last long. (That's not the analogy, but you can see how they're coming to me, but maybe more metaphors than analogies anyways...)

Minnesota fall is like being in the prime of your life. You wait for it, wait for it to come, then it gets there and you realize the progression to a season of your life that you feel like you can handle, - that progression doesn't stop. It doesn't slow down. You have to try to enjoy it while it's there, but you're just gonna get old.

Next thing you know it's 30 degrees and snowing.

It may sound like a really depressing thought-pattern, but I was just thinking about how I've done that so much already in my life. Longing for the future, waiting for a time that I know I'll enjoy but letting the present just pass by. I count down the days, then the days fly by and keep flying. I feel like the older I've gotten, my awareness of time passing makes time seem to go faster. Just yesterday was a year ago. And a year ago? That was just three!

Anyways, I don't know if fall-into-winter is an analogy for wanting to "grow up" and live life, or if wanting to get older and realizing that it never stops is the analogy. I think the first one. [I'm not very articulate today]

Simple Gaze - A Sonnet (no meter)

I think of your eyes,
And though part of me tries,
I loose words,
Only feelings come to mind,
Words for which I cannot find,
Only left to sigh,
A quiet quickness in my chest,
A nervousness sums up the rest,
But when you're there,
Oh, no feeling can compare,
With each gaze in my eyes,
I contemplatively surmise,
That if that gaze could but be mine,
Surely would my heart be thine.

Tied My Heart To You

What can I do?
I tied my heart to you,
One I trust not to hurt,
Your ways so kind,
Lay waste to mine,
My eyes well up,
At the thought of this only passing,
I've never felt this torn,
This quick,
I want this to stick,
See, I tied my heart to you,
One I trust not to hurt me,
Not to use me and leave me,
Not to play and deceive me,
I tied my heart to you,
Yet I wonder who you are,
See it's tied to you,
For who I know so far,
One I'd trust to never hurt,
To never love then desert,
Surely I've misunderstood,
Gestures from one so good,
But with a heart such as that,
What can I do?

The Very Heart of Me

I still try not to cry about you,
Feels kind of like you won,
If I do,
It feels like you never knew you broke me,
how you broke me!
The memories of that time choke me,
But I can't let the pain again soak me,
I wonder if such a weary heart
Could take another such treason,
So unsuspected
And unfounded by reason,
I don't know that I'll ever see a day
Where I feel like that's not a part of me,
That being when you stole and dropped the very heart of me.

Thinking-Sleeping

Lately, I've been dreaming way more than I usually do. I'd say on average, I have a dream whose specifics I recall less than once a month. In the last month I've dreamt countless times! Several times a week. Mostly meaningless dreams, - all, but it's still strange.

Usually I'll dream about something when I have a lot on my mind, and I feel like I'm not processing it enough. I process by talking, (and sometimes writing does the trick) but if I feel like I've been talking about something too much, I kind of stuff instead...and that's when dreaming occurs, I guess.

Of course there's the exception to the super random very specific dreams I'll get out of nowhere.

Anyways, dreaming regularly has been strange. I'm concerned it will be a regular thing now because I don't sleep well when I dream. The only time I feel like my head isn't spinning is when I'm sleeping. When I'm dreaming this much, it's like even when I'm asleep, I'm still thinking about the same things.

Can't get out of my own head!

Dreaming the Extraordinary

That whole don't tell someone your dream so they don't kill it thing? Yeah, even just since Sunday I have found the value in that. I mean, instantly I did, but since then several times just in thinking about it, I've realized even more how true it is. It's funny how people can bash your dreams without even knowing what they are!

I don't know how aware I need to be, but it's even made me want to be aware of how I am with others. I'm a pretty optimistic person, but even an optimist gets jaded in certain areas of life.

This popped into my head, just thinking about generalizations people make about things, and how it makes me feel naive for wanting extraordinary; for believing extraordinary is possible.

Even if it's insanely rare, I'd rather wait for extraordinary than settle for ordinary. And I don't think it's too much to ask.

Here I Find Myself

Again I find myself,
Wondering how,
I keep ending up here,
But every time,
Each one seems ever more clear,
Each time I'm convinced,
This one's the best,
But I know this one,
Is better than the rest,
If only I could stop my head from twirling,
And the thoughts inside from swirling,
For I know my heart will be ever more broken,
If the words I seek are never spoken,
By the lips so sweet,
From the heart so kind,
Yet always here myself I find,
Aimlessly wandering,
In want of a heart like mine,
Knowing such a love,
Would be truly divine.

The Chase

Let's cut to the chase here, (what does that even mean?...i could never cut to the chase, i wouldn't be me without fragmenting a couple sentences with elongated parenthetical statements in the middle) I feel like I'm getting more impatient. Maybe it's not that, as much as I feel like I could have more patience. I used to consider myself a pretty patient person, but I've been noticing more that I could use more.

I'm currently a little impatient with things in my life, but in the better part of me I know that I need to accept how things are now. I just can't get my emotions and feelings to follow that. They and my reasoning do not get along.

A little was an understatement. I'm at that point where I can sense changes in the future, and I'm looking forward to the future, even if they aren't the easiest changes. The problem is, I'm ignoring the present. I've been thinking about what I want this time to be, but not as much what I think it actually is.

What is this time? I've been lost in work, and trying to keep up with just a couple friends. It's so busy, but I don't feel like it's anything. I want this to be a time of preparation, and not just before a change, but a change in and of itself. But then, I don't know in what way. The line of a sense and a want is blurring here, as it often does for me.

I think what's got me impatient is ironic because I'm not seeking it from God. Maybe that's too personal to share, but I haven't really figured out my personal boundary on personal things yet (ha). Another line I walk. My point being, I know that the change and clarification I seek, need come from God, yet it's only a bit of a revelation to me now. The irony is that I want my time before YWAM to be growing in prayer!

Go figure.

Onward

On the flip-side of the transition coin, I am really interested in what this time is about. I am intrigued by the coming months, and especially year of course.

This past sunday, the sermon was about generosity and giving, but in more than just the monetary form. Jeff (my pastor) talked about volunteering and trying different means of doing so, as a way to find your calling.

I don't necessarily feel like that was my experience at Mercy, but I learned a lot. And for a time of giving a lot of my time away, I felt really filled up. That was spring into summer.

Now I feel like it's a time to get filled up, without giving so much of myself. That sounds selfish, haha. But I almost feel like that's what it's about: me. For once. I mean, everyone slips into selfishness, I'm not saying I'm exempt from that, but rather I fight it and worry that I might be without realizing it. And that this is a time for me to grow.

Strange that I have such lofty feels about the time leading up to my trip.

My trip! I also got really excited for that; I've been getting really excited for it! I'm looking forward to Paris, of course, but really the whole thing. No matter how the experience is, and how "big" of an impact I make on anything or anyone, I know that for me it is going to be a life-changing experience. I was getting excited to see new things to photograph. To have new stories to tell. To have a new time in my life to look back on with that disgusting nostalgia I have for every time in my life.

I'm interested to see if this is what I'm cut out for, in two veins. You know, there's the whole gritty, dirty, difficult, traveler's diarrhea, being stared at, being vulnerable, praying for people, serving people when "out of water"...so much of that aspect. I'm pretty easy-going, so in reality the biggest thing I know will be hard for me is spiders. I digress.

Then there's the story-telling part. The seeing and bringing it back with me. Getting to tell people (if I can) what it's like in Vietnam now! Photographing other parts of the world. Meeting people. I get horribly attached to people as it is, I know I'll be leaving my heart all over the world...and crying a lot. Oh man, I'm gonna cry a lot. Haha, again, I digress.

There's so much to intrigue, I feel like this is way more my thing than going to school, getting a desk job, trying to reach the ambiguous top of some achievement ladder. To live and see, and be with people!

This energizes me; "learning" and education, do not. Onward.

It's a Struggle

Living in Bloomington. What is there ever to say? I feel bad when people ask me, like they always expect a better answer from suzy sunshine...that just can't be it.

Not living in Minneapolis. It's a strange struggle for me. That's really the only short way I've found to describe it. I feel displaced. This morning when I left for work, I had to plan what I would fill my afternoon with so I can go to small group. But I'm so tired, I don't think I'll last.

And it seems silly, because people that aren't from Minnesota or the Twin Cities consider Bloomington and Minneapolis synonymous, to me they are far from it.

It feels so empty, I wonder where all the cars are, when I'm driving around at midnight. I have to drive so far to get to everything; I don't even think about biking because I hate the idea of riding on the sidewalk.

I think I'm a city snob. It's official, who knew it would ever come to pass. I laugh about when I used to get lost and so frustrated in the city, and now I know my way around and can spot the suburbanites or out-of-towners. I come here and hesitate to leave.

It's so different, and stupid to try to explain. I see looks of misunderstanding and confusion as to why I could complain about it.

And so I say, it's a struggle.

Lines

Strain this chaos - turn it into light.
This is the very minute I'm aware I'm alive.
I'm doing cartwheels.
Something was bound to go right sometime.
I just keep hopin', that your heart opens.
I wanna hear you laugh like you really mean it.
Light up - as if you have a choice.
My tongue is lost, oh, I can't tell you.
Tell me that you'll open your eyes.
Care for you, I will.
When you're eyes meet mine I lose simple skills.
So just tell me today and take my hand, please take my hand.
Maybe if I could see exactly what was in your way I'd move it for you.
Kiss me, kiss me, life is way too short to scream and shout.
You say you love me like the past the now the coming years.
So we'd make a good team right away.
We need to feel breathless with love.
One giant leap of faith is easy.
Learn to wear each other well.
My heart is bursting in your perfect eyes.
Just treat me like a stolen glance.
It's not as if I wanted to fall so hard for you.
If I lied you'd know it instantly.
But everything you said amazed me.
You seem friendly who are you?
No, I don't want to wait forever.
Your words in my memory.
I've got this feeling that there's something that I missed.
Its been minutes Its been days.
I need your grace to remind me to find my own.
If it looks like it works and it feels like it works - then it works.
It's all for you.

This New Season

My life is so not what I thought it would be three years ago, when I was stupid and 17. I haven't photographed in probably a month (though I'm more inspired to with fall). I try to follow AP style when I'm blogging. I STILL haven't finished college. I'm living at home. My car is ugly. My friends are morphing and coming and going even quicker than they did in high school.

So much is not at all what I expected, or wanted for that matter. But a lot of that is okay. There are things I wanted for myself when I was 16 or 17, that I now know are better for me not to have had.

Now my path is forking, and taking a longer, more scenic route, though maybe the road not as smooth...okay, enough pathway metaphor. The point being, I never thought I'd take time off school, or that I'd do bad. Let's just be real about this, the journalism program and I did not get along.

In one year's time, I've lived in 4 different places. I have moved that many times. Yuck.

That's something I've realized in the short two weeks that it's been I've been at home again: this is a season of dying to myself. A season of struggle. Granted, I'm two weeks in, so I can't say that for sure, but this is the feeling I have for it. Almost prophetically, that I will struggle with a lot of things, deciding to let them go.

I already miss living in minneapolis, it's my home now. I feel so far away from everything. So secluded. SPACE! I hold up in my room because I swear I was becoming an introvert. And now it seems like my dad is popping into whatever room I'm in, turning on a light or tv or radio and leaving - for atmosphere. I feel like my bedroom is a hotel, it's too fancy, and there's not enough room for my crap.

Polar opposite from the last season I was in, Affirmation. That was a great season.

On the upside, I feel like it's a time to rebuild, to de-stress (in some areas of my life), and to develop. Kind of like it's a season for me. I know I'm going to learn a lot, what about? No clue. I just have a sense that this is going to be really different.

I hope there's some good in it. I definitely feel the good too.

Je Devrais Apprendre

J'espere qu'ecriver en francais, mais sans accents parce que je ne sais pas comment on les utilise sur l'ordinateur.

J'ai pense l'autre jour que j'ai une grande vocabularie francais, mais il y a encore des mots qui je ne connais pas. Mais alors, j'ai decide de essayer d'ecriver un fois en francais, - avec le francais que je sais.

Ma vocabularie est bien pour une americaine, mais il y a beaucoup, beaucoup des mots dans une langue. Quelquefois je pense qu'il y a plus mots que j'apprendrai. (Pour un moment, j'ai oublie l'elision.)

Le chose amusement est la difficulte de parler francais avec les natifs de france. C'est plus facile de parler francais avec quelqu'un qui ne comprends francais. C'est plus facile d'ecriver francais a vous, parce que la plupart ne connaissent pas le francais. Je vous impressionne, peut-etre.

Vraiment, c'est impressionnant que la tete peut absorber plus information de langues et il peut communiquer avec le langue savant.

Je pense que ma francais ne peut pas tres mal, mais quand je peux faire choses comme ca, - c'est plus facile de parler francais en moment. C'est tres intimidant.

Alors, c'est quelque chose que je devrais apprendre.

What I Want From You

Wish I could figure out what I want from you,
Though nothing for myself,
Cause I know better,

Thought you took all you wanted from me,
Cause you walked away,
Before sauntering back,

All things forgiven -
Are all things forgiven?
I'm sure this doesn't make much sense to you,
But your sense never lined up well with reality,
Wish I could see what you want from me,
My eyes clouded by a past not set free,
An anger that covers a hurt that still hovers,
Somewhere in me,
Deep,
A haze over all the memories of you that I keep,

I only wish I could get what I want from you,
But it's something for myself,
So I know better.

Leave of Absense

Every time I try to spell this dang word, my fingers type "absense" first...and now I am only encouraging them!

I thought about it, and how often when given two choices, does one choose the scarier, more difficult one? So maybe that means more excitement, or more activity, or more...something than the easy route.

This is how I make decisions, I justify them to myself. There's never a black and white to me, but it's not gray either; everything's in color. What the heck color is THE color? I'm running away with my bad metaphor again...My point was, there's no definitive right choice, it seems; there's just two. Sometimes more. One gives one set of results, and the other, a different set. So I make choices by justifying the one I'm leaning towards.

This time, I decided to do it differently. Justify the one I'm straying from.

When I was in Denver at the conference, someone talked about how there's always an attractive alternative that will appear much easier than your potentially better path. They said to be aware of that, try and notice it.

School was that. Just go, be stressed the whole semester, save less money, take out more loans, stay in Minneapolis, don't have to commute...sounded pretty good to me. So I said no. It definitely took me a while, but here I am.

Bloomington. Commuting. Rent-free. Free food. Mom. Dog. AC. Driving. 5AM. Traffic. Saving. NO SCHOOL!

Year Leave of Absense.

Stasuses that weren't

I came across a lot these in my phone that I thought, why not post em in one...I say/think some ridiculous things:

December 12, 2009
My only retort to people who say that 90's babies make them feel old is to call them old (because I think it's absurd).

December 21, 2009
My legs feel like they might buckle with each gust of wind - poem line? or legit thought?

December 28, 2009
Can't be angry with the winter sun, it's better to have some than to have none.

January 1, 2010
I'd dye my hair bright red if I lived in Amsterdam

January 3, 2010
Love the chaos that ensues when my whole family is in one room talking at the same time...that and the shared sentiments about being a Losier that only we know.

January 11, 2010
There's a fine line between young confidence, and naivete.

January 17, 2010
"It's my 4th vodka drink, but I had some cereal before." - Joe

January 24, 2010
"Curbs are just suggestions." - Sara

February 27, 2010
I'm stuttering journlalism...hmm, gotta work on that.

April 4, 2010
Theory on the f-bomb: competent communicators don't need it; angry people do.

April 18, 2010
You have a perfect face.

May 6, 2010
I feel like college turned out to be this big joke I tried to play on myself...

The reality is that it's not as simple as "you're almost done" or some meaningless slogan such as, "just do it".

May 12, 2010
One truth from this awful movie: if a guy acts like he doesn't give a crap about you, he doesn't.

May 21, 2010
You know when crappy friends leave it sucks, but when new friends that you know are great people leave, it sucks too.

May 22, 2010
Sometimes i think i loose my train of thought cause I'm boring myself.

June 6, 2010
Krista: "does he have to speak french?"
Me: "No, cause then I'll just speak french, and he'll be like, 'That's hot', and I'll be like, 'I know'."

June 30, 2010
Am i really one of those naive young writers who has their hopes set on writing the next great american tale?

July 15, 2010
I like to tease a lot. Does that make me a tease? Sure hope not!

July 23, 2010
My "type" made me want to punch someone in the face today.

August 18, 2010
I'm kinda one of those people who puts their hand back in the fire...

The Same

This is basically working with a line I had written down a while back and hadn't touched. So it's a bit from reality, part experience part imagination. It's just about death, whether in the sense of someone being "dead to you" or actual death. I don't know which per say.

_________________________________________________
-THE SAME-
I feel the life is moving out of you,
It's got me so scared,
Paralyzed,
Don't know what,
To do,
Aimless tears stream down my face,
Now I know I'll never again love this place,
The same,

I feel the life moving out of you,
Fear's got me grounded,
Not a thing I can do,
But watch you change,
Into something strange,
Something foreign to me,
Yeah, you'll never be,
The same,

Don't feel,
Anything's the same,
As the life moves out of you,
Don't see,
Who's the one to blame,
As the life moves out of you,
Can't breathe,
Even your own name,
As the life moves out of you...

And I saw,
The life move out of you,
So I dropped every thought
I thought I knew,
And grasped to,
The memories I have of you,
And I feel,
The
Same.

Just Breathe

For so many months, I have been so sure that YWAM and this upcoming mission trip is something I want to do. And it still is something I want to do, it's just that only now is the reality of being gone for months on end setting in. I already know I'm missing out on two huge life events of friends while I'm gone!

I started to panic the other day, because so many people I know are going back to school. Everyone is going or going back, and I am not. That's really hard to swallow.

I love the U, I love going there, I love being there.I have SO wanted to live in Minneapolis in the fall, which I've managed not to do yet. I even love it here in the winter. I'd take late fall early winter! Anything! The lack of school, is the biggest lack of anything being for sure that I've ever faced in my life!

The ambiguity of what this time will be like, is scary! I've felt really at peace, til I realized, I need to drop my classes if I'm not going, and commit if I am! I was torn, I had to feel it out, and now I'm scared. I've made my choice, but it's a total leap of faith. Post-poning.

Because at the same time that I look forward to not thinking about school for a while, hitting pause in the 7th inning stretch seems completely crazy (did that metaphor work? I sorta pictured Tivo...I guess).

I find myself thinking, "This better be good," because I feel crazy. I guess that's a good thing, because a lot of times I do crazy things, and I'm fine with it. I'll know it is, but I'm okay with it. But here I find myself, not sure just how crazy this is.

I panic with justifying a decision with "why not?". What am I doing?! Why not is not a justification, it's a lack of!

But why not? Lack of justification in either direction. I think that points me to my justification: my lack of direction. If that's not complicated, I don't know what is.

A Heart That Big

I didn't take you for one with a heart that big,
And feet loose enough to follow me,
So far with what I've come to see,
I find myself still surprised,
And never my reason so compromised,
Try not to wrap my head around it,
Because I usually try,
And the space between two people,
Is usually cunning and so sly,
Though I can't help but wonder,
How beautiful you must love,
And is it the same life we are dreaming of?

"Christians" - Matt 22:39

Something has just been on my mind recently, and my heart as really been affected by it in the past.

Christians are so quick to call themselves that and to proclaim they "love" Jesus, and hey, I'm not to be the judge of that, but Someone else is, and knows the truth behind that in each heart.

I have had several people who were really important to me in my life, that I loved and trusted, who broke my heart, and did things with malicious intent, yet they call themselves followers of Jesus. I'm sorry, I don't remember that part of the bible where Jesus laughed at godless person losing their job. Or where he broke off a relationship without so much as a good explanation or an attempt to make it work out of love. What version of the bible are these people reading?

These are people who say they love Jesus...or at least it's on their facebook profile. And they join as many groups as they can about it. They go on "outreaches"...

I'd love to know, how does one bring people to Christ with attitudes like that. With a lack of love for your fellow person!

I'm sickened and disturbed! It really bothers me that if I call myself a christian, that name is tainted by people like the ones that have hurt me in my life. If I hadn't been raised christian and had a foundation on the bible, I don't think I'd be one on account of 2 of the people I'm thinking of. That's pretty strong.

I think all the time, I'd love just to know that God brought one person to Him using me as an instrument. That'd make my life worthwhile in my eyes...but to drive someone away because you claim the heart of God but don't even close to live it out? Wow.

The part that bothers me is they don't know. There are no words that I can say to convince them, because they are self-righteous. They think because someone's hurt them, it gives them a right to laugh at pain their life. It really saddens me that there are "christians" like that, running loose out there, corrupting the world, when...

The greatest commandments are first to love the Lord and second to love others. What kind of love is their in rejoicing in someone getting fired? None. But it's okay, she forgave me. So I guess we're all squared away then, eh?

Working My Way Up

It's really interesting, I've been looking back on a time in my life that I've been somewhat nostalgic for; a time that had a lot of positive memories but also some really rough times. And after time passed, I had been able to block out the crap, and keep the positives; hence, I was nostalgic for it. It's funny then when something happens to make me realize how thankful I am that it's a part of my past.

I'm thinking of a job I had when I was 16. Caribou Coffee. A bunch of teenage girls, catsy-bull...I absolutely loved that job, but the teen girl politics made it miserable. It made me realize that a good friend I had, wasn't a good friend.

But in the end, it's not a sad thing, because I was just sobered up by a recent incident. I was reminded that, though yes there were great parts of that time in my life, there was a definite equal - no, exceeding amount of hardship. I mean, 16 year old hardship. College was easy, my job was difficult...ha, at 16. Now, I have a job that I love even more, and the hard stuff is a busy morning that kicks my ass. There's none of the drama that went with the stupid #146 store.

I found out the other day, it still plagues that place. It made me feel a little bad for the people involved, and also really thankful for my drama free job.

Cheers to one of the top 10 best places to work! and the best co-workers.

Hodge Podge

Why is it that I get sucked into school-supply shopping while the prices are still good, when I'm not even going to school in the fall! I had to talk myself out of post-it notes.

I think I just cheered myself up. I had a horrible morning, but I'm here on blocking it out.

Super Target doesn't sell english muffins. What the crap? The one thing I really wanted at the store. No english muffins.

My nose is itchy. I think one of two things: that whole "someone's thinking about you" thing is true, or I'm allergic to the Mango Naked juice I LOVE. Hope someone's thinkin' bout me...cause I love Naked Mango.

Today I was driving to Bros after my shift (i'm here right now, abusing internetz) and I thought I saw a shirtless hipster biking along central, the closer I got I realized it was a women in a nude-colored tank...haha. Ooooooh, hipsters.

I am a part time hipster. That's what I decided. I cheat, but I kinda don't care. I don't like buying used jeans. Something weird about that. But I love weird, old shirts. And hats.

Fall, I can't wait til fall! But am also trying not to think about it because I hate the prospect of moving home. Moving to Bloomington rather. Not thinking about it.

Know else I'm not thinking about?...Hahaha. Whenever I tell my mom stories about a guy, after a certain point, because she knows me well, she can tell. This time first she asked, "Does he like you?" I don't know. "Do you like him?" Maybe. He's cute AND nice, how could I not? Of course I might. Crap mom. Whenever my mom (or Sara) thinks I like someone...I'm a goner, if I wasn't already.

Hmm, I'm off to the beach to get burnt again and not think about things. Har har.

Too Many Brain Trains

Can anyone else read without processing? I can literally read out loud, and have a whole other thought process going on. It happens a lot. Part of why I don't like to read much.

I just got hit with this in a different form. I was typing up something I had hand written in a notebook, and I went back because I thought I missed something, but really I typed it and don't remember because I wasn't paying attention. No typos, no errors. Nothing.

Is this some sick form of ADD? What is this? Seriously curious if anyone else has this problem that plagues me.

A Loving Set of Arms

The other day, I thought up a charity. I've never particularly had a dream to start one, but I have always wondered what it would look like to work with an orphanage. I wouldn't just want to do a short-term mission with an orphanage, I think it would kill me to never see those kids again, and to feel like I only gave them something that would pass: my time.

It really came to me when I was thinking about how I have all these really cherished stuffed animals that I don't just want to give to a thrift store, or throw away. I'm sure there are other sentiMENTAL shmucks like me out there, who wouldn't mind if they knew their friends (Danielle Lou, I'm lookin' at you) had a good set of loving arms to sleep with at night. And for some reason I thought, I bet there are tons of kids in the world who never have that very favorite stuffed animal, and yet as an adult I got rid of half of my 30-40-some stuffed animals, and the other half all hold some special place in my heart.

What if there was a way to sanitize them (get rid of bed-bugs or whatever else might be there), and send them to kids in places in the world where they are not fortunate enough. It might sound really stupid to someone, but I think it'd be really freaking awesome.

People who donate could write the stories and names of the stuffed animal(s) they're donating, and the kids would receive them, in their language.

Stuffed animals might seem like a really stupid thing to make a charity out of, but having that really treasured thing to comfort, sounds like a really nice idea to me. Likes TOMS shoes but with teddy bears.

Ink on Skin

We've got bigger problems
Than ink on skin,
Like how do we get out
of this judgmental funk we're in,
In a time when we need love the most,
We're stuck in a rut
Where all we do is boast
Of the minimal things that we do right,
When the important things
Require a fight,
What is it that we cherish anymore,
If money and power don't count,
What is this life worth to us,
If not to what we amount,
I begin to wonder,
If we'll ever let go,
Of the differences between us,
And finally come to know,
How to really love another,
With selflessness of heart,
At least I know,
That there was a start.

Oh! Darling

Today, I must've been a slight bit more confident. I don't know what it is, but I went a little out of my comfort zone.

See, usually I'm a really big wimp; I have no guts. When I do, I usually feel really stupid afterward. This afternoon, the really good-looking french customer came in. I heard him and his friend speaking french, but never have the guts to say anything because I haven't had a class in a year! It's stupid, but true. And pronunciation becomes much harder when speaking to a native speaker!

Anyways, today he came in alone, and we had no other customers. I was in a good enough mood, feeling confident so I asked him. We talked just a little about it, and when he took his coffee and left saying "bye" or something, I said "au revoir!". Ahhhh, if that man asked me to marry him and I could never burp out loud again, I'd agree in a heartbeat. So cute. He has a really docile air about him; just seems soft-spoken, and sweet. Anyways, we'll see if I get the guts up to speak more french, perhaps "salut, comment ca va? moi? ca va bien, merci. qu'est-ce que vous voulez?" haha. Who knows.

Then! My parents were going out to eat with my aunt and uncle from Canada. They decided on Famous Daves in uptown because they have live music and dancing. Supposed to be swing, it wasn't completely. Anyways, when I got home from work, I decided to put on a dress and get real gussied up. Hair, make-up, shoes, dress, - the whole shebang. My mom asked after a while, if I'd want to dance (with my dad). I didn't want to because I'm a horrible dancer! Then he asked, and I couldn't say no. So we waited for a good song, and I was horrible. But it was fun. But I was HORRIBLE. Hahaha. I need legit lessons, not just being led.

So then my parents went, and I was watching, laughing cause it was cute to see. Then the guy sitting in front of me alone, who had been sharing a female partner with his friend, asked if i'd like to dance. I looked at him, and said "I'm not a good dancer." Hahaha, the best part, the fool looked at me and said, "Ah, me neither, come on..." and so I did. Me! I danced with a perfect stranger!! He was cute, seemed harmless, and I kind of couldn't resist. Haha. It was fun, but I say the fool because he underestimated how not good I meant when I said, "not good". But he led a lot better than my dad...(shhhhhsh, don't tell anyone. haha).

I left shocked at myself for doing that. I've never danced with a stranger! But maybe it was the dress, or the stomach full of barbeque, who knows! But I do know that I'm not like this every day, - I think I'd be afraid of myself if I was!

Klutzy, Awkward, & ADD

I am definitely a bit out of my mind right now. Not been sleeping the best on account of that crazy harsh sunburn I got on tuesday. So yesterday and today at work were interesting. I spilled a lot of unnecessary things, dropped a lot of empty cups, started and did not finish tasks. It's been two rather off days in a row. I mean, some of that happens on a regular basis, I can't say it's completely abnormal for me to be klutzy, awkward, and ADD...but yesterday and today were especially special. Ha.

I'm slightly concerned that I should have someone (with a medical license) look at the burns on my legs. I'm concerned.

I have to go fight a ticket, but I don't want to. I hate it! Government official people, they highly intimidate me. I mean, I've done it several times before (haha...) and every time it's gone alright. They usually give you a break just for showing up. And even though I didn't have my tabs on my car, I did purchase them before I got the ticket. So we'll see.

I gotta get cleaned up though, because I figure in this weird state of awkward I'm in, I should at least not smell like coffee, nor should I have coffee stained clothes on. To the shower!

Sunburn in Late June

I listened to the eerie, pained squeals and screeches of the trains in the distance. It was a hot summer's night. I was burned, burned real bad. Parts of my chest, my neck, my back, my face, and almost all of each leg were burnt to a bright pink, which made all the parts of me that hadn't seen sun, appear so much more stark and pale.

I laid half naked on my bed, being very careful not to move too much, and to coach every move I did make. I thought about how I got myself into this mess, and I did. There was no one to blame but myself.

After I returned home from my long, unprotected stay at the beach, I looked at myself in the mirror and realized the severity of what would soon be my anguish. I laughed to myself. What else can one do? I knew that crying - though I am not the crying type, anyways - would only make me feel even more achy and sore, which I didn't need. So I just laughed at my hot pink, splotchy body. I knew it would certainly be good conversation piece.

That hum and rustle in the middle of the night was calming to me, at a time in my life that I was burned to a gnarly crisp. I dozed off carefully, to the peaceful ruckus of something that seemed to sound more painful that my sunburn felt.

But, hey - that's my opinion

I was thinking today, people often react to things or form opinions on things based on their own circumstance. Maybe not everyone, but I've noticed in several people, that an argument can arise from someone trying to make sense out of their own situation, out loud at another person.

I know that my blogging is a great deal to this effect; that is, I hold a lot of opinions about things, because that hamster is a marathoner, and sometimes I like to work them out...out loud, or in print, - however the phrase would go. I don't hold my opinions as truths for everyone, but rather how I see it. I believe it how I see it, which I guess goes back to reinforce my original premise: we all believe it how we see it individually.

Sometimes, I think if we don't recognize how a difference in circumstances clouds or shapes our ideas about things, it can be destructive.

Hopefully reading my blurbs will be a little different now with the understanding that though yes it'd be nice if we both believed what I think, we don't. And I know that. I don't want to make claims that things are a certain set way, when that's how I perceive them to be. Who can even say what reality is? I challenge anyone to sum up the world, without the bias of their life experiences. I don't believe it can be done (but, hey, that's my opinion).

Secrets

Funny to me,
That such things be kept secret,
Or, dear, have you begun to forget,
The measure of your years so soon?
Your subtlety is lacking,
And insincerity is hacking away,
At any benefit I've given you,
In my doubts of your liking me,
Even slight,
Tell me someday,
Won't you,
Am I absolutely right?

Ruin

Places and things,
All are a ruin,
All things that I still see you in,
Lakes shrivel up,
Cease to exist,
Streets and cafes,
Once hard to resist,
Have come to cause a pain in my heart,
Having dearly loved you makes remorse an art,
Each sight makes me wish,
Never to have known you,
And regret memories,
To which I've sown you,
Won't grace just let me,
Let you go;
The sting of betrayal that plagues me so!
That I might wake one day,
As a rendition of me,
To live life,
Here on,
Freely.

The One Who Haunts Me

What is to be said,
Of the one who haunts me,
It's not a lover,
Who in longing still wants me,
Nor a sister or brother,
Who teases and taunts me,
Neither a parent for whose love I yearn,
Nor a teacher from whom I did learn,
Not even an enemy,
Of a feud without end,
No, the one who haunts me,
I once called dear friend.

Borderline

I realized tonight, I think I am borderline self-centered.

I tend to be really introspective, to the point that when other people say they don't know something about themselves, I don't understand. How could you not know how you feel about x, y, or z? Or how could you not know how you might react to a certain situation? How could you not know somethings about yourself?

I am constantly working these things out in my head. What my feelings are on certain things, how I act and react in certain situations, how often I do things that annoy myself...Am I messed up?

I think, that to remain positive I'd call it introspective borderline self-centered.

Sometimes, I think there'd be so fewer problems if people could really take a good, honest look at themselves! Figure out things about yourself! It's like society has made "thinking about me" so taboo or whatever that people don't want to, and yet we are so self-centered! Thinking about yourself, and developing that is not bad; putting yourself first, and thinking about how great you think you are? that's self-centered!

Anyways, I'm really just thinking out loud here. It seems a lot of my out-loud (what would be the visual/typing equivalent?) thoughts on facebook and the inter-webs have been giving the wrong impression of me. Like I said, really just thinking out loud. These crazy words are just my opinions, I don't think that the world should print them on stone tablets on top of kilaminjaro or anything...just thoughts. Don't freak out.

Kthanksbye.

It Is Beautiful (Pt. 2)

For months of my life, I felt panicky. Constantly. The whole spring semester, if not longer, - as cliche as it is to say - I felt like I couldn't breathe. Months of my life.

Then the semester came to a close. My grades were to determine my plans for the fall and rest of the next year, but I didn't care. I could not bring myself to check them. For weeks. Because for the first time in so long, I felt freedom. I felt my chest loosen up, and I could breathe again.

Until just the other day, I couldn't quite put my finger on it. How did I get to this place? How is it possible that I am content with the idea of risking time off? How is it that I'm really planning on going on a [legitimate] missions trip? How is it that I have a pile of debt I can't even begin to pay with my tiny wage, and yet I'm at peace with where I am? Amidst all of this, how am I this comfortable with so much unknown?

It's a further example of that whole "give it up to God" thing. See, I was trying to do both. I was trying to give it up to God, but keep acting; keep making my own moves, and hoping God would lead me through it, and guide me. The only guidance I got was to stop trying to do what it was I was trying to do! I thought it was my dream, my passion; but in reality, it was just a fluke. I think somewhere along the way, He got me. I had been thinking, writing newspapers is beneath the amount of heart I have for people.

Maybe I'll still write magazines, or books, or columns...but news? News is tragic, and constant! It is a constant reminder of how much evil and brokenness is in the world! It is an echo of that constant panic. For someone as optimistic as me, that probably would've worn me down real fast.

I mostly chose journalism because it involved writing, but it's kind of no-brainer. It's facts. There's a formula to writing a news article, where there is so much more room for creativity in...creative writing. I was scared of trying to attempt something that would require actual talent, as opposed to just learned-skill and a large vocabulary. I was scared of exploring my own potential, and of what creative writing would bring or not bring.

I was running into the wind, trying to make happen what I now feel I can say with confidence wasn't the right thing for me.

Within the last couple weeks, I came to the realization that I am at peace with where I am. And I fell in awe of how I got there, because I don't even understand. I feel free.

Not being in school (even if just for the summer). Working a job I love, that I know was a God-send. Going with the idea of not going to school in the fall. I have felt so free! I have felt like I can breathe again.

It's one of the more beauiful things I've experienced in my life. Being freed from something that looking back on it now, felt like it was suffocating me. The panic is gone.

And I don't know how in the world I got here...but it is quite beautiful.

Give It Up (Pt. 1)

So I've been figuring out this whole "give it up to God and He turns it to good" thing. It's amazing. How did I forget that this is real?

This morning, I did this after my shift started. It wasn't off to the greatest start, and I refused to have another epic chaotic morning from hell...and it was so busy, but I didn't feel worn out, and I just kept my head up, kept working. The shift went great. When I finally got to stop, and get ready to leave, I did get a little dizzy...probably from lack of food and coffee...anyways.

That and feeling [non-existent] tension toward a friend, but not acting on it for whatever reason. It just lifted off tonight!

It's interesting to me, that people don't believe in God, because I'm starting to feel like that'd be like not believing in gravity! I mean, that's not to say people are stupid for not believing in God, because it's not easy, but I think that by letting Him in, little by little it becomes so real. Give Him a little credit, and He might show himself to you, and blow you away. Just sayin'...

"I will rescue him; I will protect him for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him. I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him, and show him my salvation."

The Rope

I don't know what I'm feeling,
As of late,
Life has been revealing,
A lack of fate,
The way things have come around,
The way they have come together,
They've been twisted and wound,
Tight like a tether,
A rope whose purpose I do not know,
What it shall serve,
Where it will go,
I've been walking backwards all this time,
All the more difficult for such a climb,
Now I've been turned around right,
And though it's be a tough fight,
I can sleep peacefully at the end of the night,
Knowing it'll all make sense one day,
A woven rope,
Made along the way.

& the Big Bad Paper Biz

I was just thinking about the big bad paper business, I kind of decided to say, screw it! But it still intrigues me. Something about that well-oiled machine that runs day in and day out! I wanted to be a part of that, but I've come to terms with the fact that I don't have that much ambition. People who want in with journalism claw their way to the front, work themselves silly, and I'm just not that person. I've never wanted to be career person.

Then I thought, well why not just marry a journalist? (as if one can easily pick a husband by career, ha!) But that's an even worse idea because journalists don't marry other people, they marry journalists, and they marry their jobs! They probably would legally if they could. I just don't have the passion for bringing the world the latest drunk-driver story or legislative bit (gahhh, I hated legislative).

I still have my passion for writing, and photography, and people, I just don't know how I want to form them together. I think that I've just realized hard news is not for me. And that's okay cause it only narrows it down.

The Puzzle Pieces Fit?

Finally checked up on the JEM-Paris (i.e., YWAM-Paris) site and it's updated! Looks way better, more info on there and everything. It's really interesting to see what's cropping up. I'm really excited for an opportunity to work with them!

On the page about the Paris base, their mission statement says to use art as an outreach, which hey, i'm not opposed to that sounds cool. And to "be a voice for the voiceless". I feel like I had noticed this before somewhere, or maybe Amber told me that was the mission in an email...at any rate. I've had prayer at church or small group at least two times if not more, in which someone got a prophetic word that I would be a voice for the voiceless. I had no clue what that meant, and to be quite honest it scared the crap out of me. A lot. And it still kinda does. But now, there is a connection point.

It's funny how the pieces of the puzzle come together, and you start to see the bigger picture a little better.

Another interesting bit, they want to start a photography school! Now, this I knew over a year ago, I just wasn't sure it was actually something they'd committed to, or just was a nice theory. I'm all about it, granted maybe that fits into plans. Who knows. I wouldn't mind a lick, studying photography in Paris!

I was feeling slightly discouraged about how much I was not only looking forward to the DTS, but going to Paris. I felt a little ashamed that that was a part of it. Then this sunday at church, my pastor made a great point: God wants us to enjoy life. I feel so stupid when I forget simple characteristics of the heart of God. Like that He wants people to experience and know joy. Duh. That is one of my favorite things in life, getting to relish in joy. And I was letting myself feel stupid, or selfish for being excited at a chance to live in Paris for 3 months! But God knows that's a HUGE desire in my heart, to get to try it at least (though I'm absolutely positive I'll love it...and miss my family).

So much about this is so intriguing and awesome! Perfect thing to do with a gap year, eh? I am thinking that through this I will learn a lot more about the heart of God, and about myself, and hence, I will know better what to do now that my course is changing, though I don't know where it's taking me. So much more excited about this than I've ever been about college. Ever.

Present Day Vietnam: Unheard Of

Trying to research Vietnam (wow, like a good journalist would), and can't find a darn thing on it present day! Got me thinking...maybe this trip could spark something really interesting! Write a book you say? If David Lamb can, why not me? But then the only question is, how do you write a book?

His book was among the latest, I guess, published in 2002. That's 8 years ago! After practically a world economic crisis, and two new American wars. I am really interested in this country. What it must be like to live in a post-war culture, in I don't know is it considered a third world country? Maybe not, it's a vacation spot. I could find that on Google.

Anyways, maybe that's what that whole "voice for the voiceless" bit was about. Maybe?

As for Cambodia, the CIA has a factbook apparently. It is about the size of Oklahoma, and has almost 15 million people. Wow. Isn't the population of New York like 30 million? They speak French there, as one of their languages. They are also 95% Buddhist. Better read up on Buddhism. Apparently slavery and sex-trafficking are big there.

It's crazy to not know until I really look into it, that places like these need God so badly!

Psalm 91

(I know I already posted twice, but I just had a thought, and it's summer so I write more...maybe I'll work on a novel after this!)

You know when there's something you read that you really love, so you can read it over and over. Kind of like a song that you can actually stand on repeat (I use repeat a lot, actually...but most don't). The wonder of it just never gets old, - that's how I feel about Psalm 91! That is my verse!

If ever asked my favorite, I list a whole chapter. Haha.

It's just so powerful to me. And every time I read it, I feel overwhelmed by God's love; amazed by it; covered by it. An array of things, sometimes only one feeling, sometimes a mixture. I never get sick of reading that chapter. I usually read it more than once, when I do. I like to read it in different translations, though I know my favorite, and almost have it memorized, though not intentionally.

I'm not really one of those people, who has a book I can read over and over. If know the story, I'm not likely to ever read it again. In fact, I don't think I've ever read the same book twice, though I intend to with To Kill a Mockingbird, because I really enjoyed it.

But I read Psalm 91, and I love it every time. It's not a question. There is no room to falter, there is so much promise and so much love in this chapter. It absolutely romances me every time.

Sometimes, I'm like Belle in beauty and the beast, with this chapter. I know there's more to it, but sometimes I'll set out to read my bible and I can't get further than this. I get so caught up in it! There's definitely parts of the bible I've never read, and I just can't stop reading this. Maybe it is my life's meditation.

I discovered this verse when I was like 15 or so, still scared to stay home alone (over night), and my parents were gone for the weekend. Our stairway always felt like someone was watching me go up the stairs, so I'd run (if alone). Finally, - thank God for concordances & the people who make them, - I looked up protection. This hit me! At the same time, my brother was in Iraq, and I so I prayed this for him. And it just made it all the less scary to have him there, in the height of the worst of it.

Also apparently when I was like 5, my great grandma was ill, and I quoted some part of this Psalm to her? Not completely sure, but my mom told me this about a year ago. It blew me away because I had absolutely fallen in love with it. So it's really been important to me in life, thus far.

I mean, what better way to walk through life than to read that, and know it as truth! Wow. I could go on about this. But I think I won't. I think I've maybe convinced one or two people to read it. Hopefully. And if you're not a christian, read that and think about it!

It is almost the epitome of God's love (I'd call Christ the epitome, but this is second, in my mind).

Inevitable Let Down

I'm not naive enough to think I would change your mind,
But of all the ones before,
You are surely a different kind,
I can't say quite why,
For I don't myself know,
But I have to let it go,
Not enough there,
And it's just not fair,
To me,
To put myself through another inevitable let down,
And in a sea of perceived loneliness drown,
The thing is, I knew better.

Love on the Brain

It's kind of funny, when all your friends are dating someone, and you're one of few in your circle who aren't...I want a relationship really bad right now, but I know it's not for the right reason. Just because everyone else is dating? That's definitely a thought beneath my logic and sensibility; I know better.

A relationship is so the last thing I need! Haha, sometimes I feel like my senses and my emotions battle. Is that just a woman thing? Or just a me thing? At least my logic usually wins. Except when my emotions act too quickly for my logic. Haha. That's when I usually do things out of character.

There was some interesting conversation yesterday that has had me thinking a lot. I've had an intuition that now's not the time for a relationship, but I've just been ignoring God about it for a while. And so He just keeps reminding me. Ha. Gotta love that.

On a somewhat related note, I usually hate people that are not in control of their flirting, or that flirt aimlessly... and I have been doing that! ARGH! So disappointed with myself. That is not just for throwing around, in my opinion. But I've been doing it. I guess I've just had a lot of gumption lately. Maybe it's summer. Maybe it's affirmation in Christ, and walking with God. I can't do wrong, so why not aimlessly flirt? Okay, maybe I won't. I'll try not to, anyways. Haha.

Oh gosh, I gotta get this stuff out of my brain. Even though I feel like my opinions on these things are so dynamic and ever-changing. But it doesn't really matter, anyways.

Yesterday vs. Today

I am sitting outside of Dunn Bros on 6th and University, and I just saw thee most awkwardly close tandem bike go by. Awkwardly close.

That was not how I was planning on starting this, but it just needed to be told...

I haven't drank straight espresso in a while, when I wanted to come here to abuse the internet, I figured I'd get something cheap. Blech, I don't know if it's because it was decaf, but not feeling it tonight. Usually I like it, but not right now.

How was today better than yesterday, when yesterday I was at the beach, and today I was at work?

Worked my longest shift in a while, today. 1:30-8:30. My feet hurt. I worked friday saturday and today. I clopened, as someone coined it. Closed friday, opened saturday. Then the BEAST shift today.

Both yesterday and today when I got home, my feet hurt! I gotta stop wearing flat shoes. It stinks though because it's been putting a major damper on my running. I have not been running. I ran once this week. I'm so horrible about keeping with a schedule, especially when my work schedule and sleep schedule AND eating schedule are all so random! Pooy.

I'm still gonna pretend like the half's happening in August, but I might end up waiting and doing a later one. I'm sure there's another in October or something. When it's not blazes hot out. Like I said though, August is still in the plan. We'll just see. If I still want to run up and down the stone arch, my run will be a little longer, so that might be helpful. We'll see.

I don't really have anything left in my brain. It just sorta stopped for a while. I think I'll go home and watch a movie. In the comfort of my [borrowed] papasan.

The Lifeblood of My Writing

AHhh! I've missed writing good stuff! OKay, maybe what I think is good isn't even...but I miss writing stuff I like! I miss writing poetry that just comes out of me like a superspeed rant and says exactly what I want to, and how I feel. I miss it i miss it i miss it!

The interesting part is, if I don't have a lot of stuff going on in my relationships, I don't write a lot. I think that interactions are the lifeblood of my writing. And now that the semester's over, I feel like that's all that I have, and I like it. I feel like I've been getting to spend so much good time with people, and I want MORE! MORE MORE MORE! Haha.

I pack my days so full of people time, that alone/down time is from about 11pm-2am...yes. I'm a night owl. But the good thing is, usually that's when I write, too. Though lately I've been vegetating during those hours.

But going back to my previous thought about people and writing, I think this is why i've felt less connected to journalism. Or to reporting, anyways. It has not enough to do with inspiration, and with people. Yesterday, I was so inspired to start writing a novel. I didn't, and I forgot the idea, but that'll happen. Being that I'm a writer, and I'm absent minded a lot. But reporting maybe isn't my route of journalism. Something like reader's digest features, maybe, but not traffic stops and legislature (I HATE LEGISLATURE STORIES - writing them).

Anyways, here's looking forward to a summer of new poetry and would-be songs.

What's Ever Really Mattered

I am the heart-on-sleeve sort of person. For the most part, there's not a whole lot I'm not willing to divulge if asked, - granted I feel the one inquiring won't turn on me, no matter how big or small the issue.

It's funny because I think of myself as really open, as stated (sorry, i'm redundant...a lot), but I come to a point where I decide whether or not to share my true heart. There are a lot of things to tell someone, that are involved in the true heart of a person; that really are at the core. Some things are dreams, hopes, interests, - whatever kinds of things, the kind that are less difficult (at least for me) to share.

But I feel like at the heart of me, the core the part you have to truly earn trust to get to is pain. I'm sure it's that way for a lot of people, as well as the nice stuff, the stuff I consider easy to blab about.

I get to this point, when I feel like it's been earned, that I can share my true heart. That core of me. Because as much as the happy things, and all the times I've ever laughed, and joked and smiled - as much as those things are important to me, I feel like the things that really make you in life are the ones that were the most painful.

People who know me, may feel like they know me pretty well, and why not? I post a status or a tweet every couple hours. I write blogs. I tell stories. I post pictures. And whatever else. Like I said, pretty open. But those people probably wouldn't look at me and say that I've experienced a lot of pain in my life. Whether or not I can say that, I don't even know. My question is, what's a lot?

I think this is interesting because you might think you really know someone, then you learn more of their story, and it changes them in your eyes. I've had this happen multiple times. And I'm sure the same has happened for people with me. I think when you get down to the nitty-gritty stuff, in the muck, and examine the scars (to be cliche), that's when you can relate to someone the best, even if you've never been through what they have.

A lot of people, even like me are really excellent about looking perfectly normal, happy-go-lucky, and fine like they've never cried a tear in their life, but everyone sees pain at some point in life. And I think that to know another person's pain is (weirdly) a deeply bonding thing.

I have this theory about relationships: it's not real (real meaningful, that is) until you can talk about your poop. Hear me out. Like pain, everybody poops, but nobody talks about it unless they're really comfortable with someone, unless that relationship is really solid. When you can talk about the crap in your life, that's a really meaningful relationship.

So sometimes, I look at someone and I think to myself, when should I talk about what's ever really mattered to me?

Tetris vs. Text-Twist....

So I've gotten a little bored of Tetris lately, because I've beat almost everyone on my friends list that plays it on facebook.

The only other internet game I can get stuck on playing is text twist. On good days, I have long streaks, on other days the game defeats me repeatedly. I got up to 40,000 or more on it just now, and I thought to myself I need to quit and go to sleep, but I'm on a hot streak...

and I went to close iTunes and just barely on accident closed the window of my game. Haha, God's telling me to go to sleep! So I got an all-time high score and I don't know what it is...I need a life.

And some sleep.

Marriage is SCARY

I had this almost fleeting thought the other day, as I was putting on my makeup in my makeup room. I looked over at my bed, and I thought about the last person that lived here. He lived here with his girlfriend. I thought to myself, "how in the heck did two people live here?" I mean, I love people, but I'd probably end up in an institution...or jail. (My apartment is 15x15 or something)

Then I thought to myself, "if I were married, I'd have to wake up next to someone everyday! And we'd have to share a bathroom, and a kitchen...and A BED!" For some reason, this idea stressed me out a lot. The level of invasion (aka sharing) of space sounds too intense to me.

Then I realized, it'll be okay when it's someone I don't mind spending a lot of time around. Someone who doesn't bother me when I spend hours on end with them. Someone like my best friend! So when I find my male [other] best friend, I'm sure all this stuff won't bother me.

We Were Unforgettable

if i cry when i think of you,
does it mean you've won?
not that it was a competition.

at times i wonder,
do you even remember us?
we were unforgettable.

you were once a big part of me,
what do i mean to you?

my guess, nothing.

things can't be the same,
cause we were playing a game,
and i don't do that anymore,
cause i learned my lesson before,
so go breaking other hearts,
blame your own brokenness,
and when the bleeding starts,
you'll learn as you clean up the mess.

That Face Stops My Heart

that face stops my heart,
and makes it hard,
then all falls apart,

those eyes halt my breath,
and close mine,
feels like death,

that mouth opens my lips,
draws out a sigh,
from which old love drips.

[Great] Chemistry

I've just been thinking about this today, a bit:
Can a relationship form where there is seemingly a lack of chemistry? I was trying to figure out why I wasn't really sure if I liked someone, and I realized, it's a lack of chemistry. I've never had that happen before, when interested in someone. And I think that doesn't work for me. I need somebody I can make laugh, and that can make me laugh; have fun with, and whatever else the times I've had good chemistry entailed. Boo.

On the other hand, it also sucks to have GREAT chemistry with someone and not be able to be interested in them! This is probably worse than wanting to like someone but not being able to (though they may sound synonymous, they are not). It's definitely worse, working so well with someone; getting along smoothly, and complimenting each other, but things just can't happen for whatever reason. Especially cause I'm usually awkward most of the time, and if I'm not...

I've had that happen a few times, rather than my first complaint.

I was also thinking, the other day, I have no clue when I'm flirting. I kind of wonder, when does it turn into flirting? If a man and a woman joke around or smile or whatever, is it automatically flirting? I mean, I don't think so. I don't give this too much thought; I'm not much of an intentional flirt, but then if I don't know when I'm flirting, I could be flirting in situations when I don't want to! Yikes. Interactions are tricky, ha!

Sometimes I let myself get stuck on stuff like this, and then I try to wrap my head around things I'm better off not trying to analyze because there's probably no rule. I always think I can analyze things, but not everything has one strict answer.

So I guess I'll go on flirting unknowingly! And wait to have great chemistry with someone again...gotta love great chemistry.

(I think I killed the word "chemistry" in relation to relationships...oops)

NAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nap nap nap nap nap nap nap nap nap nap nap nap nap nap nap nap nap nap nap NAP NAP NAP NAPNAPNAPNAPNAP!!!!!!!!!!!

I am this tiredly excited to take a nap.

Also, it is my favorite middle brother's birthday, he is rather cool and so I am particularly thankful for him today :)

Nap.

3 Hours = Structureless Nonse

That's about how much sleep I got today in total. I'm surprised I didn't make any dumber mistakes than I did! I could not sleep last night, despite the 2 calms forte I took at 10:30 before laying in bed for 3 hours without actually falling asleep.

I kind of hate anyone who's gotten to go to a twins game this season...kind of means I don't, simply because it's before the verb "hate", in case you were concerned or shocked...it's no fair! I want to go. I have this complex about it though, like my complex about movies. I usually hate seeing a movie with someone who's already seen it. I still can't say why, I couldn't really tell ya, but I almost feel that way about the Twins. I want to go though so I don't even care! TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME...for the love.

Crap, now I miss my big sister.

I am one of those people that decides what they're going to say, as they speak...I mean on one hand, it's good because you think quick on your feet, on the other hand sometimes you end up spewing nonsense and wondering if anyone even understood it, or if you've even made a point. That may or may not have been me at small group...but it's okay, I prefer being humored unless I can be let down gently.

I've realized that lately I've been stuck on this habit: my mocking voice is apparently always mickey-mouse-style...I don't know why. It's sort of a combination of that with the Pinocchio voice (the "i'm a real boy!" bit).

I am so ready for this semester to be over, that I am almost really to the point of not caring whether I ever get into the journalism school. Maybe that's a good thing? I don't work well under the "now or never" kind of pressure, so maybe leaning towards the apathy end of the spectrum will relieve some of the weight.

I was really tempted to not go to class today, and I went only to find out my project that I thought was due in a week and half is in fact due THIS thursday...Naturally, a near-panic attack ensued. I skipped my next class (for which I know nothing else is due the rest of the semester til the final exam), and went home and had my panic attack. It mainly consisted of blasting coldplay, and attempting to find anything I could on immigration related to minnesota.

Today was the 4th (May the 4th be with you, I found that funny) my last anything, I believe is the 15th...only 11 days til FREEEDDOMMMMMMMMMMM! Gah!

Now I need to go to sleep so that tomorrow I can be confident, awake, and put together...things that I almost always feel I am not...Tallee ho!

Paris in the spring time?

Every time I read an email from the lady at YWAM Paris, I cry. Pretty much every time. Not because of anything she says, in particular, just because it's real.

I have wanted to go there so badly! And all my planning on it has fallen through. I've also wanted to do a DTS for years.

Could it really be lining up? That's why I cry every time.

Yes, I'm an emotional person, but I don't usually just cry about emails or life opportunities even. This one is just too great! And I don't know where it leads in the future. My sister did a DTS, then did a couple more, then went on staff. I'm not putting my stock in anything further than this trip, (and not even that yet, cause it's so expensive) but this possibility alone is unreal to me.

I don't even know what more to say than that. I get so blown away every time I think of this. See, the Paris base was disbanded for a couple years, they were only doing Kings Kids, and not actual DTSs. Now they're reforming everything, and next spring is their first DTS. That's also when I was planning on being done with school. So in my heart and head, I committed to it...even though now I don't know what next year looks like for me otherwise.

I'm planning on this, in a way that if I don't go then, there will be more. I can have more time to save, more time to be prepared. But I am going. I say that with the firm belief that I didn't get to go before, (when I wanted to for school & it would've been a mistake) and now a better opportunity has arisen that I would much prefer to take. So I'm going.

I could get lost in loving you

I know how I,
Could get lost in loving you,
But that it's better not to,
Because the deeper I sink,
And the more that I think,
The harder it gets,
Just to come up for air,
When I realize that you're not even there,
And all the while I'd be loving an ideal,
When I should know it's too good to be real,
So I know how I,
Could get lost in loving you,
But I know how,
Lost I get when I do,
So I'll try,
To keep rooted, firm, and dry,
And to find myself,
If ever I stray,
To set myself,
Along the right way.

People: The Secret to How I Survive

I have just been so in love with people lately! Not to say that I'm not usually, though there are times when I'm definitely not...no, as of late, I have been enthralled with them. I'm usually a little rough on the uptake, but once past the initial stages, I just love getting to know people. 

I love quirks, and weird stories, and mannerisms. I love how there can be things that are just a truth to all humanity, but then each person is so starkly different. Even people that I've met and at first didn't like, have become people I can't get enough of because I just think they're great. That starts to sound weird, I think, but at the same time I don't really care. 

I love people that I know so well, (or so I think) that I think I can't possibly like them any more, - then, I learn something new, or we share a new experience. Those are some of the richest moments in life, the ones spent with someone who's heart you know, and yet you still relish in just being around them, and you still learn about them! 

There have been very few people I've met that I continually don't like. I could maybe count them on one hand. So basically, if you're a person, I love you (in a not creepy way, I promise). 

It's funny I was just having a conversation about this with my mom. I was saying that, to me, people are the most important thing in this world; they are what makes life worth living. And yet, people are what cause all problems; they are what makes life difficult. I thought, I wish I could just not like people and not need them, and I could go live in the mountains and knit for the rest of my life...but I know I'd be miserable. Even in a hypothetical world where I don't like people, I can't see that working for me.  

Sometimes, this love for people goes beyond social norms. Haha, these are the best situations, that later make me shove my face in my pillow and laugh out of sheer embarrassment (now you all know the secret to how I survive, haha). Asking questions that I don't think are weird to ask, but might be weird for someone else. Or hugging people too long, or too soon, ha, a personal favorite (I really, really like hugs). Or affirming someone too much, so that they stop believing me long before I've finished. 

And I think that is the heart of life! For people to be known to the core. I think that is the coolest thing one can do in life! Truly know people, and care about who they are.

Apathetic: Only 8 To Go

The end of the semester is SO close I can taste it! I am even more apathetic than before, if that's even possible. Not to mention this lovely tingly throat thing I have. Ugh, dormant cough...laying in wait.

I came to terms with the idea of not going to school at all next fall, and now it sounds kind of nice. I don't mind it, and it only scares me a little. I think it's what I'm going to be doing, but I'm not saying anything for sure. I just need to be open to everything.

So the prospect of that makes the last five or six assignments difficult to face. I don't want to do them. But maybe I can translate my apathy into brilliance, seemed to work when I was PSEO...except that history class, which is weird cause I really liked that class.

Anywho, I have two more projects for Art and a final; one more paper (which I'm currently breaking from) and a final for Art History; one more article and a quiz for Intermediate Reporting; and I think only a final for Visual Comm. That's eight things.

I've been trying to write in AP Style all the time so that I do it by nature. We'll see.

Well, I suppose I should get back to my paper instead of writing this drab thing. Whatever it is. Maybe something more fun to come in the next couple days, when I'm not clouded by weather and homework.

Random Tidbits That...

...will inevitably make no sense, for the most part.

I still have a lot of anger at my ex-best friend. Being a girl sucks, because girls are annoying. We (shouldn't even include myself, i hate it so much but i am a female...) are catsy, and can't even be around one another if we like 85% of the same damn things! Ugh! (and that's the pent-up anger, which is really a translation of hurt...but anyways. She's a B.)

I liked the sun today. It was nice.

Maybe he is the pet. Dang it!

I clearly gave up on this blog having any sort of order or literary rule to it. It is just the playground for my mind. I probably only use playground as part of a metaphor because I was at one today...by myself, is that weird?

I felt boring, in my apartment talking on the phone - and swooning, which i've been doing since thursday -, wondering what I'd do when not on the phone any longer. so I decided to take my phoning to the park, to swing. Who makes wooden swing frames anymore? Seriously, bad idea. It was scary. I did however jump off. It was all the day's sun, it put me in a mood. Actually, I've just been really enjoying life this weekend. And anyways, swinging was the perfect cure to feeling like I'm trying too much to be an adult, as well as some sort of euphoria (def: exaggerated elation, hahaha...eff, no pun intended)

Koo-koo-ka CHA! (Anybody? Anybody watch Arrested Development? Stuck in my head, randomly)

Sometimes I am completely amazed at the kinds of people I get to converse with me, because of how dumb I feel at times. HA! Like I just think of some of the things that slip past the sieve of a filter in my brain that then slips out my mouth...people really even bother? Haha, it amuses me. To converse with people who are well-thought, well-spoken, articulate, (not redundant,)...I know a lot of smart people. Thank God for dicitonary.com, that's all I've gotta say.

I think it's time to call it a night. I slept awfully last night cause my head wouldn't stop even though I was mighty tired. When you fall asleep to pre-dawn light and the freaking snow white soundtrack out your window, it makes for a sleepy person by the following midnight!

oh won't you move away

oh won't you move away
so i can come and stay
and visit you one day
somewhere i would like to go
somewhere that you'd like to know
we could wander city streets
and watch the cops stroll on their beats
find the spot where sunlight meets
all the splendid perfect shapes
by the restaurant with the perfect crepes
and we could run around all night
to see the city with no light
so won't you move far away
then tell me that you want to say
that i should come and i should stay
for more than just a day.