Chemistry class = I fail

So, i basically figured out today that i am going to fail my chemistry class...yay? Urm...well, i needed to get a 42 out of 60 on the most recent test, and i got a 32. Not to mention i needed to get a perfect on the homework...which i just didn't turn in, cause i got swamped with other homework, and...uh...let's see, oh now i'd have to get like a damn near perfect on the final. That's not gonna happen unless Jesus himself comes down and takes it for me. So i'm basically gonna fail, unless i can work something out with my teacher which i'm avoiding talking to him because all the chemistry department staff are douchebags. Straight up. THey're mean and have a ton of attitude, so i'm dreading even bothering to ask him.

Then again, for all i know the balding, sweater-wearing, whiny voiced man does have a heart for the chemistry-challenged of Normandale and will offer me extra credit(?). One can only hope, then i won't have to take it over again to get the stupid transfer curriculum. I hate MNTC goals. They're evil.

They are the spawn of satan.

So that's my life, which isn't that bad because it'll still be a passing grade for kennedy, so i'll still graduate from high school (otherwise i'd be busting my butt to pass this class).

Just had to get that off my chest : )

After I'm Gone

Can you learn to appreciate a life after it’s gone?
Can you wake up early, just to see the dawn?
After all of this existence,
And all of the resistance,
Can you learn to love after I’m gone?
And dream a thousand dreams,
Before you awake at dawn?

Can you get up when you fall?
Can you learn to live at all?
After everything’s been done,
Ask if I’m the only one,
Will you stand if you fall?
Or will you bother,
If you miss me at all?

Can you get yourself out of bed?
Can you get out of your head?
Where all the memories play,
Over and over relay,
That you shouldn’t get out of bed,
No matter what may wait,
Cause you can't escape your head,

Will you hide when tears roll down your face?
Will you find memories to replace?
The thoughts that drift through your mind,
Singing sweetly, words so unkind,
You won’t hide the tears on your face,
They’re all you’ve got left,
Of memories you can't replace,

I love you dear,
I’m always near,
Lulling you to sleep on a cold night,
Whispering softly that “It’s alright,
I’m with you dear,
I’m always near.”

[Inspired by Emily Brontë’s “Remembrance”]

One of those years...deja vu?

Have you ever just had one of those days that you just want to re-do the minute it's done? I've had one of those years. Almost all of it, i'd like a second shot at. Then again, i have this feeling i'd be dumb enough to mess it all up in similar ways, if not exactly the same. So basically i feel if given the opportunity it'd be wise not to take it.

So much has been confusing me as of late. So much. Just when i think things are good, it's like something has to knock me on my butt, then everything else has to kick me while i'm down. It's absolutely wonderful. I can't wait til the summer is here so that all i have to worry about is my social problems as opposed to those AND my practical problems such as money, college, and the future.

Too much to worry about on one plate. I think it's my ability (or disability for that matter) to take things for granted that God's trying to break. I take to many things for granted and like my life the way it is, when right now i'm really lacking God.

It's true, i'm usually a ton closer to him in the summer than the school year. Not that it's an excuse, when's a better time to have God in your every thought than the school year? I think that's just it, i was happy for a little stint, and even though it wasn't the very happiest i've ever been, it was enough...and i didn't really involve God in it. How sad, that is. I've REALLY gotta work on that.

Last year, not really 2007, but more 2006 i was so close to God. Or as i remember, anyways. This last year i've been too caught up in my life, too caught up in myself to think or worry about what God wants from me, or has planned for me.

I guess i've just felt so swamped that any second i get to come up for air, well, it feels like that silent, blissful moment. Peaceful, beautiful...silent. It's essentially transformed into the calm before the storm, even though time after time i don't even recognize it as such, getting tossed around every time.

So much bad crap has already happened in this stupid year, for which i had such high expectations. This is a really crappy year thus far. I hate spring semesters. I think maybe i'll finish my degree only in fall semesters until i'm done. Only 6 more years.

Who am i kidding? That'll only make it worse.

I don't know what i'm gonna do, but i do know that for now i'm just gonna live my life in the present, i don't have too much left in me to worry about the future. At least until schools done. Til i'm sure i'm graduating from high school. I guess i should worry most about my chemistry grade.

WARNING: If i am so lucky (or shall i say blessed) to pass chem with a C, i will brag about my crazy ability to not show up to class and still pass it. Thought i should warn y'all

;I

How Coldplay causes a Change of Mind

i'm sorry i have this problem that causes me to write constantly. It's the releasing of the writers block plug that was in place for days.

It's funny how i can be really crabby one second and a little coldplay listening can make me feel so much better...not to mention getting my stupid sunday night homework done in time that i can go to sleep before 11!!! It's so exciting! How sad is that? I would've liked to have gone to sleep at like 9 tonight, but i fail and accidentally deleted everything i wrote by hitting the refresh button...so i had to start over at like 950.

Coldplay is so beautifully relaxing, i couldn't dig more! I just love. That's all i can say, i just love! I wish i could write have as wonderfully and sing twice as wonderfully...what a life! Writing whatever wonderful, or sorrowful things come to your mind and just singing them out! Wouldn't it be lovely, too bad i'm too smart for that.

G'night all!

A few things i'm currently annoyed with

A few things that i hate:

~ When people judge me because of my age, not choosing to look at my personality and who i really am

~ When girls call their boyfriends "the boy", um...he has a name, doesn't he?

~ When people complain about their perfectly sufficient lives, you have a lot, don't whine that your life sucks!

~ Getting up at the butt-crack of dawn, not even; it's long before sunrise. It's evil.

~ When people undermine my authority, if i have any (various situations)

~ When people diss on my friends and/or family without my permission. That's a big no-no.

~ When i say something and it has a different meaning than i would like it to.

~ Eating dinner at 7:30 or later.

~ When my dad is pessimistic, or anyone important to me for that matter.

~ Loosing socks. Or socks that never again find their mates, UGH!

~ Sunday night drivers. Seriously, they all suck. It's apparently the prime time to go out and drive 60 in the fast lane of a marked 65MPH.

~ Headaches.

~ Bias referees. They should all get fired, and then see what good that experience is for finding a job, especially after having favor when you're not supposed to! Jerks.

~ Homework that's due on a weekend...at all. friday after class through monday morning before class...NO HOMEWORK SHOULD BE DUE! It is quite positively, the worst thing ever.

~ People who hate on the religious. Why can't you let someone be religious without attacking them.

~ Mondays. Let's just be real about this, they suck.

~ People who are two faced, or even fakers for that matter. Just be yourself! For THE love! Some people are in my face and annoying, but even then most people how ever they may be, i don't hate them or even really dislike them. I just don't like them. I won't waste my time trying to befriend someone i don't like. But i won't be mean either. What's the point in pretending to be someone you're not, if people stick around long enough they'll learn who you really are.

That's my rant for the night because i'm cranky and tired.

My thoughts on: poems, creation, my dog, coffee/sleep, friends, hardships, you, wrong&forgiveness, & laughter

POEMS~
I love writing poetry, it clears my mind so beautifully. I feel not that it is in any way a talent or gift (for i've never been told that, but i do like most of my own work), but that it is a release. It is my expression, when there's not a laugh coming from me, or a smile on my face. I have poems as my expression. How i dearly love to write them.

So much so, that sometimes i force myself. Then they're awful. There have been and i'm sure many more to come, awful poems. But i do it anyways. SOmetimes i'll write 2 or 3 until i get the writer's block out of the way.

CREATION~
Lately i've just been getting stopped by God's creation and being dumbfounded. I'll gawk at the randomest things. I'll be mesmerized by grass, or by dirt, fire, water, light, darkness, colors, vision. My mind could just wander and be completely taken away thinking of all the wonders of this world. One of the most frequently revisited masterpieces is the human body! I am absolutely baffled by the human body and it's ingenuity! I shouldn't even get into it, cause i'll go forever...longer than i do anyways.

MY DOG~
I have mad crazy insane asylum love for my dog. She is the greatest non-person thing in my life, and if it came down to it, i would just barely choose a person's life over her's. It's sick, really. I love my dog. It's that kind of crazy love where you start to forget it's an animal, and it becomes your child. Hey, when all you've got is paying one bill every month, going to a school you don't care about, and people around you who are self sufficient, a dog can easily become that important to you.

I just love her. She is awesome. And she loves me. It's nice to have somebody who doesn't even have the slightest clue how weird you are, because they like you that way. They'll even be weird with you. They know how to manipulate you, but will only take it so far. It's nice to have somebody greet me with exuberance every time i come home. It's nice to have somebody to sleep in my room with me. To just be with.

COFFEE/SLEEP~
Life can be okay without sleep. If you have a lovely little substitute called Coffee. Coffee is also beautiful, but in a much different way than sleep. You can enjoy it while spending quality time with another person : ) I haven't been getting a ton of sleep lately, then again it doesn't really feel like i've been doing much of anything lately. I think i've just been having a truly long dream. I'll suddenly wake up to find that i never wrote any of this, and i never did anything i've "been doing" for the last two weeks. Or i'm just extremely apathetic and over tired. There's that option.

FRIENDS~
What would i be right now...let's not go there. I would be a complete disaster and they are the ones who know that best. And yet, i know they don't pity me or stick around cause they think i'll die without them (WHICH I WOULD);no, we laugh. And laughter, [aside from God] is the very thing that has kept me going in this life. Without my friends, my life would have so much less laughter and joy. I am so thankful for them! I honestly don't know what i'd do, not just with my time, but how i'd make decisions or...decisions. They are my angels. So i will buy them (you know who you are) coffee any day! Love you girls!

HARDSHIPS~
I was going to say "I'd like to believe..." but no: I believe that i am very honest with myself when it comes to hardships. I don't need to wallow in sadness, that won't get me anywhere but lost. Although, i do need to air my thoughts on a seemingly constant basis, but i promise it happens more in my head that i speak it...it's awful, i know. (Thank you again, to those who have to put up with me expelling my every inner feeling.) I think that i have a fairly good ability to put my problem before me, and pinpoint exactly what bothers me, and why it's bad to let it get to me, etc. etc. I don't like pity, in the least. I like to be understood.

I don't like to be misjudged, but then again who does? I just want to be able to say that i'm going through something and not have it dismissed. I also think of it not as whining, but as thinking out loud. It's after breathing, next to laughing for me.

YOU~
I think i'll be alright without you. You weren't that great after all. It's hard when i think of the good times masked by the appearance of a good person, but i know it could never be that way forever. That's what i wondered at the time, to cheesily quote the Foos: "will it always be this real forever?". I guess my answer was no. I'm glad it was short. I'm glad i didn't waste more time on you, more energy, money, feelings...more of my heart.

Oddly enough, a part of me feels bad for her. She will. She'll be heart broken but she'll never admit it to a single soul as long as she lives. It may take months, years, or even decades...but she'll realize it. It'll break her in two much worse than it did me. And for that, i feel bad.

WRONG & FORGIVENESS~
There are some places i've gone wrong, and i wish i could take them back. For so long, i'd say i have no regrets, cause you can't take things back and you can only have forgiveness, so why bother. But then i got real with myself, there are things i've done in the past that i regret, i wish i could take back or do over, but i can't. I guess i have to forgive myself. I have to let myself off the hook. After all, i'd like to meet the One who perfect, cause no man on earth can claim that.

Forgiveness is such an interesting concept too. I don't know if i'll ever get good at it. I'll never forget, there was this time i had a dear friend and i was mad at her, and i wanted so badly to let it go and forgive her, but it wasn't in my heart. I prayed for months to forgive, and i just didn't. I remember one day just sort of waking up and realizing, i too was wrong, and that it had left my heart. It was a huge burden lifted off of me.

I only wish it would hit me like that now. That this burden would be lifted, it still weighs.

LAUGHTER~
Something i've been learning more and more until it will eventually be an art to me, is to laugh at everything. I think in life, you have to be able to laugh when you fall down, laugh when you say something dumb, and laugh when you mess up. You have to be able to laugh BECAUSE you can't take things back. Learning to take life seriously and yet find the humor in everything is essential, in my mind. If i were to write a guide to life...haha. See, there i go!

Sometimes, too, laughter is the only thing that can pick you up from reality to let you see how absurd this life really is. It's really absurd, let's get real. The things we focus on, the things that get us down, the things that make us angry, the things we hold high...all of it. It's really quite absurd. I know lately, the things that have hurt me, i've had to learn to laugh at. When someone tells you that there is a certain level of ugliness that is in you, even if you know it's not true, you start to wonder. I started to wonder, even though others told me that that level wasn't there. I had to learn to laugh about it, telling myself about this ugliness just to laugh about it. It's the only thing that really helped me to see how truly absurd that accusation was.

Then there's the good old fashioned laughter we all know and love: the spontaneous kind. When a giggle, a chuckle, or a full-on, crack up, slap your knee, start wheezing and seizing laugh sneaks out of someone, you can't help but have a smile crawl onto your face. It warms my heart to see my loved ones smile, or people who are in pain. Genuine smiles and laughter can be picked from a million fake ones.

Just As You Forgot Me

Tired are my eyes,
As is my weary soul,
A fire dances before me,
Magnificent as lies,
The lies you told me,
The way you'd hold me,
Every look spoke love to me,
All you took you stole from me,
And it had a toll on me,
When you took a stroll on me,
I want to wipe that smirk off your face,
I want to smother you in what you did to me,
I want you to know, not just to ignore,
I want to show, not rot at the core,
You would have nothing of it,
Walking away only proves you don't love it,
Words you spoke to me,
Are like dirt on my hands,
As i wash them,
The more the world understands,
The dirt it swirls at the bottom of the drain,
Like every word you said in feign,

All i want to know,
That would bring solace to my heart,
All that would've made this clear from the start,
To know just what you wanted from me,
That you took without a plea,
With no regard to my broken heart,
Shattered to pieces and torn apart,
But you didn't care,
You just walked on by,
And now you are the one wondering why?
Take a long hard look at the road you've thus traveled,
And then tell me why you think we unraveled,

I'd really love to hear,
Your side of the story, dear,
Cause i'd really love to know,
Why you dragged me so,
Further and further along,
Til there was no joy left in my song,
And you wonder as to why i finally turned away,
Did you ever wonder what i had to say,
I would've told you how much i cared,
I would've told you had i not been scared,
Scared that this love you had not shared,
And fearing that there was no way i ever compared.

For you, my dear,
No, my past,
I hope that the truth travels fast,
Seeps into your skin and shatters your bones,
Tears out your heart and strikes it with stones,
Then i shall follow as you have taught me,
And act as though the devil has wrought me,
Employ the evil, of which you thought me,
Then walk away, just as you forgot me.

When I Think About It

When I think about it,

Remain callus to you,
But still hold tight to truth,

When I think about it,

Forget all that you are,
Especially all that we were,

When I think about it,

Challenge myself to erase,
Clearing the memory of your face,

When I think about it,

Trying to forget the words you said,
Though they’re rushing through my head,

When I think about it,

Take long, slow, deep breaths,
Die a thousand little deaths,

When I think about it,

Wonder what it could’ve been,
If we were how we were then,

When I think about it,

Drop my head to my hands,
This is where our friendship stands,

When I think about it,

Would I bother to weep,
If you hadn’t cut so deep,

When I think about it,

I wish I wouldn’t,
Knowing there’s no way I couldn’t,
Help to think about it.

You KNOW life is good . . .

When you've got a yummy cup of coffee in your hand, you know life is good...

When you're surrounded by those close to you, you know life is good...

When you've got a pile of clothes and nothing to wear, you know life is good...

When you've got a song in your head, you know life is good...

When you finally come to terms, you know life is good...

When you've got uncontrollable contagious laughter, you know life is good...

When you're greeted by an ecstatic little smile at the end of the day, you know life is good...

When you're driving down an open highway with corn fields on either side, the windows open and the wind on your face, you know life is good...

When you're dancing alone to the blaring music with no inhibitions, you know life is good...

When you're in the middle of a really great hug, you know life is good...

When you take the first bit of a chocolate bar, you know life is good...

When you smile at a child and they giggle, you know life is good...

When you wake up from a nice long nap, you know life is good...

When you're sitting and talking with someone you love at sunset, you know life is good...

When you're standing on a hilltop with your eyes closed and the sun shining on your face, you know life is good...

When you feel God in every aspect of your life, you know He is good...

...life is good