Oh what I need...

I need to get an oil change.
I need to take a shower.
I need to start packing to move.
I need to apply for student loans (ha!)
I need to never play tetris again, lol.
I need to get a 3rd job.
I need to kick this dang cold/flu thing!
I need to not care.
I need to apply some chapstick to my poor broken lips.

I need to not think about this list, and yet fulfill all of it.

My Crazy Dog

I love my dog. She is totally and completely ridiculous! She has so much personality, it's constantly making me laugh. She misses me a lot when I'm gone, so when I come home she gets really excited and she'll make these little noises that kind of sound like a mixture of growling and howling. Sometimes they're really long too and it's just hysterical.

So tonight I go out to return a movie and pick up some sudafed (sp?), I was gone not even 20 minutes. I come in the door and she comes bounding down the stairs, she's wiggling around like a little bull, rubbing her face on me (it's her latest thing). It was adorable, but I was wondering why she was so excited if she'd barely even noticed me leave. I go up to my room, and my garbage is all torn up. I love my dog, but I do not love her separation anxiety, haha. She always chews garbage, but come on I wasn't even gone for 20 minutes! How could I not take her with me when I move out?

Might Be You

Staring at my ceiling, 

Choking back this feeling, 

Rounding off ends, 

That pierced me, 

Standing in the corner, 

Staring at the walls, 

As every tear falls, 

On my feet, 

Blinding light, 

Upon me preys, 

Of streaming rays, 

Through open windows, 

Stare at the ceiling, 

Choking feeling, 

Swallowing bits, 

Of our breaking, 

Going crazy, 

Dancing in the kitchen, 

Home in my skin, 

For one time, 

Staring at the ceiling, 

Can't ditch this feeling, 

Something's missing, 

Might be you.

16...ish Things You May Or May Not Know

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 16 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 16 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.

16 things you may or may not know about me.

1. Despite the fact that I hate musEditicals, I want to write one set in a grocery store. I love going to the grocery store, and I think it's the perfect setting to provide all kinds of intrigue, and of course necessary humor.

2. I push my nose in when I think, sometimes. I used to do it more than i do now, and if i do, it's without knowing. Sometimes it's pushing, sometimes i just rest my finger there...it's strange.

3. I still sleep with my baby blanket. Not for necessity, just out of habit i guess. I never thought about how odd that is until now.

4. I've broken my wrist twice in my life (thus far, knock on wood), once in 4th gr, and once in 7th grade. I'll tell you the story sometime, if you'd like. I like the stories.

5. There is a guy i like, ooooo mysterious :P

6. I have a passionate hatred towards mini-vans (white ones the most, but all of them), and roller backpacks (how lazy can you possibly get?). If you need further explanation, i will do my best.

7. I love to journal. I buy only ones that are predominately green; the color, not eco-friendly. Yes, i'm...colorist (?haha?) when it comes to buying my journals.

8. I kind of think a little piece of my heart breaks off and dies when something I've written (be it a poem, a blog, a paper, etc.) gets misplaced forever. I have horrible memories burned into my brain of computer crashes and the like.

9. I hate not getting to say goodbye. I mean not getting a chance to say an official goodbye, and particularly when I don't feel the timing's right. I, also, have horrible recollections of this etched in my memory.

10. There are a grand total of (approx.) 4 places I HAVE TO SEE before i die or i will negotiate with God to be reincarnated just to see them: Paris, France - Ireland (any and all of it!) - Santorini, Greece (it's one of the isles, & it is speckled with my favorite color) - the four corners, as lame as that sounds i really want to be in 4 places at once! There are probably others, but I forget them.

11. If ever i should see enough money to own one, (even though i think i'd feel guilty) i would love to own an audi...preferably the quattro TT. I'd have to learn how to drive stick, well, finish learning gears 3, 4, & 5.

12. I have a fear that Coldplay will break up or call it quits before i get to see them in concert. Another thing i HAVE to do in my life!

13. I want to name my children horrible things that have a short version that's not so painful; just because I think it'd be fun. Haha. I don't usually like to inflict pain on people :P

14. I love to nap! I fall asleep easier during the daylight hours than i do at the end of the day. It's the only way I can truly get my brain to shut off other than those sitcoms that are so bad no one watches them so they're on during the day.

15. I hate spiders. I am so scared of them, i can't even kill them. Although, i will if I am my own last resort, because they cannot be left alive. Also, they can't be thrown in the garbage, only the toilet and flushed. I am probably ocd about spiders, they're nast.

16. There's not really a whole lot of stuff that i'm afraid to divulge about myself. I am very open, and that often leads to me telling people things that are either in the category of too much information, or completely irrelevant.

17. I don't like being limited, and therefore: I think Ansel Adams is brilliant!

Peace

My dog lays snoring on my feet,
The comfort of relief is sweet,
Rest my head,
Close my eyes,
As every part of me sighs,
Swallow, deep breaths,
Tingles all over like little deaths,
Of the stress that has been weighing my head,
Down onto my shoulders like a ball of lead,
I pause thought,
Relish in the breathing,
Oh just to be,
To be and not do,
To be and not worry,
Comfort in knowing there is an intermission,
That I no longer need permission,
Distant sounds cannot faze me now,
For I have stumbled upon something grand,
Something beautiful as tiny crystals of sand,
Falling through the fingers of your hand,
I have found peace,
I wallow in it,
I bathe in it,
It is my bath,
It is my garment,
It is my soft bed at eternal day's end,
It is like the warmth of the smile of a friend,
I have found peace so dear,
I have finally found it when it was so near.

I had a Quirky Day

Today was an interesting blah-zay (sp?) day. I definitely waited til the last minute to function, seeing as I got home from Margaret's at about 2:15 (it's like the good old days...). So i pretty much took a shower and went straight to my final, with of course random activities in the middle that are not of interest, such as getting dressed.

I go, late of course, or shall I say, later than I should have to allow time for parking, but i find someone brushing off their car. She's almost finished, good since i have about 2 minutes to spare! I flick on my signal, wait patiently. I didn't want to be late, but I didn't put in much effort to being on time either...oops. She finishes, gets in her car, sits there for a minute before turning it on. Then sits some more, then looks at me (not waving me off or anything), then proceeds to light up a cigarette...i'm like LADY it's freaking finals, you think i'm not on my way to one right now and you're all putzy?? I'm sorry, that's just not cool.

So i was late by like 2 minutes or something, i don't even know. And I actually got 100% on that final :) Who knew, me. Haha, just kidding. But i was happy with that. I had to search out my car in the parking lot because, AS USUAL, i lost it...but luckily it wasn't too difficult. I started him up (my car is a boy, Boomer) and went to brush off. I think i came close to loosing at least 7 of my fingers at least two times today. I couldn't feel them to drive when i got back in the car!

Then I went to work for like a whole hour and a half. 5:30, it's quittin' time. I leave and it took me, no joke an hour to get home from 90th and france! That's what, like 5 miles (the route i take). I never take the freeway home cause it's rush hour, go figure today it might've been a wise idea to just suck it up. I may have gotten home quicker, ha! I was sitting on 98th street for a good 45 minutes...well, it wasn't good. But the random end of the day cherry, my dog ate a whole gallon sized bag of about give or take 2 dozen oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. I love my dog, and the stupid things she does. Everyone else was mad, but i just find it funny. That is my quirky day.

Oh, i know, I finished it out by playing musical cars in our driveway so i don't get towed when the plows go by. My car is hanging half way out the driveway. It's still frigid out there.

[ Oprah, eat your heart out! ]

Seeing as Christmas is coming (even if it's still 20 days away), I thought I would share with you a list of ... *drum roll* ...

A Few (Just 50) of My Favorite Things
(most definitely in no particular order, because i like random)

1. My family; as chaotic and bickering as they may be, i love them a lot. They are just swell!
2. Music; it jazzes me up, calms me down, inspires me, i am so absolutely in love with music! I could go on forever and say a ton (and probably repeat myself at least 3 times)
3. Getting the giggles, laughter in general; it is probably my favorite activity. If i could get paid to do it...
4. Flurrying December nights
5. A warm cup of coffee or tea
6. Guys; i saw this guy do something just so male the other day that it made me laugh and i thought, i just love guys, they are so ridiculous.
7. Scarves :) i love them, i'd wear them in the summer if it didn't make me feel faint, haha!
8. autumn; i don't care if it's winter, it will always be on the list of my faves.
9. My car; i seriously love my car, it is awesome in more ways than one. I feel very blessed to have a car in such good condition and not to mention so sexy!
10. My adopted family members (aka my in law siblings); they are peachy, and i love them dearly! So far, we are 3 for 0.
11. My madge; she understands my weird trains of thought, possibly better than i do, and probably does the best job of any of my friends when it comes to putting up with my craziness :) she's the poo (that's a good thing, for those that don't know).
12. My dog; she is pretty darn cute, and my baby. Don't hate, i don't dress her, i'm not THAT dog parent
13. gyros; they are yummy, and i felt like putting them here, on the list.
14. My lover (sara, hehe); we are probably the two straightest girls...i promise. lol and yet we have the dirtiest minds around each other! who'd a thunk? after all those years...
15. did i mention coffee yet?
16. Donuts in the snow; they make me really happy.
17. My cousin-friend; haha, the constant debate when referencing Carrie to other people to say "my cousin" or "my friend", more often than not, friend. when we get giggly...LOOK OUT!
18. coffee table books; i am pretty fascinated by them, i want to make one, of what, i don't know.
19. Starbucks (this IS different than coffee in general)
20. HOCKEY; i love hockey, a sport where it's legal to just throw down on ice is ok with me.
21. Bass; i love when the walls are rattling cause of loud bass booming music.
22. Ansel Adams; i would have to say he is my favorite photographer, i like landscape/scenary photography, not to mention BLACK & WHITE!
23. chocolate; i have a serious addiction. that's it. it's awesome.
24. the guitar; bass, electric, acoustic - it is an all around wonderful instrument! i don't know how to play, and would like to know but don't really plan to learn.
25. Converse; i just love them, they are the only shoe i'm passionate about, which is abnormal for a girl, lol.
26. skyscrapers; i don't like necessarily being in them, i just like cityscapes with lots of them.
27. cigars; i like them, deal with it! it makes me feel a little badass, which nothing else does. haha.
28. Scrubs; i freaking love that show, used to hate it...before i got the weird sense of humor i have now.
29. Argyle; it is the greatest pattern in existence. The end.
30. The smell of books; i thought old books at first, then i discovered new books too! I just love the smell of books.
31. Boomer; (aka my car) it is awesome. I love it, driving it makes me happy...we have a bond :)
32. love songs; they are so wonderful and so awful at the same time. haha, i love them, but then i get in these overly sappy, swooning moods...freaks out a majority of people...haha jk, sorta.
33. Photography; i think it is such a great medium, it seems like such a simple concept...but then you try it and realize how hard it is!
34. Frank Sinatra; who doesn't love a man with class? [& a good singing voice]
35. Not studying for finals; haha, i may be the only crazy person who nearly refuses to study. I hate studying, therefore, i love not studying.
36. Movies; i love watching movies, i almost never regret seeing a movie, even if i don't end up liking it. I've rented a disgusting majority of the redbox...haha...
37. People Watching; sounds creepy, but i don't really care. people are so interesting, favorite thing to do at a mall.
38. Reader's Digest; it is the only publication i read regularly other than the paper at work when i'm bored. I love reader's digest, and i get rather excited when the newest issue arrives...i'm a dork...and they have really interesting stuff in there!
39. Toaster Ovens; i don't own one yet, key word here: YET. I feel like they are a brilliant combo of the mircowave (i hate microwave food,...) and the oven (...i hate cooking...).
40. HUGS; i can't believe it took me til 40 to get to hugs! haha, i love hugs. Unless they're awkward...the diagnol hug is just not a hug (one arm over, one under). Other than that, hugs are pure awesome!
41. Overused Words; i know that i do it, i just don't really care. Haha, i like them.
42. Stories; i like telling them, hearing them depends on who's telling them.
43. Silliness; so much fun. I like when i get that level of silliness that is almost intoxicating so i haven't many inhabitions, makes for a good time!
44. Talking; lol, i have chat sessions with my mom when i haven't gotten enough conversation time in
45. Lime Popsicles; I was trying to think of something non-wintry, and for some reason, lime popscicles came to mind.
46. Volleyball; i'm a fan of playing, not as much watching. I miss it a lot still.
47. Clever Rhymes; as in not anything Kanye West does. haha, but i love a good rhyme! probably explains the scarce, but existing rap in my music collection.
48. Twilight; the time of day, not that damn book! UGH! Sorry, i'm so sick of it! Anyways, twilight makes me REALLY happy :) it is my very favorite time of day. It makes my heart swoon [possibly] even more than love songs! It's the way the yellow melts into that deep blue that fades into the black.
49. exaggeration; i use this quite frequently as well & someday i'm sure it will come back to me, lol.
50. Green journals; i have a collection of them started, probably 2 yet to fill...but, i love buying/receiving them anyways & using them!

It got a little difficult towards the end there, but i hope you enjoyed the list of a [random] few of my favorite things! Merry Christmas to all :)

Wrong

Think I've got it down pat,
Then I hit the ground,
Splat,
Wrong is painful,
Wrong ain't right,
But as long as I can sleep tonight,
It will turn out okay,
At the end of the day,
At least that's what I say,

Turn my gaze a hundred ways,
Wondering what's the next phase,
What will come and what will go,
Will anything stay,
I'll never know,
Open my heart to give away,
In hopes I'll get it back someday,
Who from,
Who knows,
When none of it grows,
But I don't care if my heart does break,
Cause what I chase is not fake,
It's the realest thing I've ever known,
And on my heart is forever sown.

The Procrastination Cure (impossible?)

I just thought I might toss this note of revelation out to my fellow procrastinators of the world, and colleges everywhere:

It's funny how when you think about the fact that if you work on something that is due the following day instead of procrastinating it means you are that much closer to never thinking about it again! (Unless of course it's only a draft...then you're s.o.l.) It sounds rather obvious (many things I point out tend to be...um...yeah), but it motivated me! All I did was think "Oh my gosh, that paper is due tomorrow at 1pm...but tomorrow, at 1pm, it'll be out of my hands and off of my mind!" and that pretty much pumped me up to finish it!

Here goes! hope everyone's having fun with finals :)

P.S. i just discovered that it is nearly impossible for me to attain an A in my geography class, so that makes this beast of a paper that I have procrastinated on ALL SEMESTER LONG even easier :) haha.

Screaming A Shout

Screaming out,
A screaming shout,
Is it like splitting hairs?
Or like pulling teeth?
To get you to tell what's underneath,
You see,
I don't,
Quite know if you will or won't,
And,
So I,
Would like some sign in reply,
Do you see?
Or are you blind?
Cause I,
Can't Read,
What's on,
Your mind,

It's like pulling teeth,
Or splitting hairs,
Can't wait to see how this one fairs,
Leave me out in the cold,
Or choose do something bold,
But whatever you do,
Just do what you're told,
By your heart,
Cause only it knows how you've felt from the start,
And me,
Well you'll see,
Just how I feel when you reveal your side.

~I wrote this a couple days ago, but i don't know why i didn't publish it til now~

Holy Stress, Batman!

I'm sitting in my bed, staring at the huge pile of books on health care reform. My face is naturally scrunching with emotion; I can't really stop it unless I think really hard about relaxing...still nothing. I have an abundance of homework I should be working on instead of pausing in fear. I'm at that point where I just want to have a breakdown, but I don't even have enough in me for that. I feel like I want to cry right now, but I don't feel like that's going to make anything better or that I even have the time or energy to. That is a sick state to be in, let me tell you.

I think they call it overwhelmed. I am quite thoroughly overwhelmed by all the unknown that lies before me. I know, I've been saying that a lot in these things, but I'm getting really overwhelmed thinking about it all. Now to top it off, I'm pretty sure I'm going to either get a new job altogether, or just get an additional one. Not to mention, when starbucks starts cutting corners you really know the economy is not doing so hot.

I'm hoping (so much) that i'm overreacting, that it's not that horrible of a situation and that things will pan out...but so much is being thrown up in the air and i don't know where it's all going to fall.

It makes me just want to nap. Napping is what I do, when I don't want to think about life or what I should be doing instead of catching up on the sleep i missed the night before because I was doing something else instead of sleeping! It's pretty much the only time I can manage to get my brain to shut off. Not even when I go to sleep at night; then i have trouble falling asleep, but nap time! Oh, no trouble there. Stopping the day and the crazy continuous turning of the world just to get some decent rest, that is no problem for me.

The problem is that I don't have much time for that this week. No, this week is a giant hurdle I have to clear (mostly because I have an issue with procrastination), only to be faced with many more that are seemingly larger, more important issues than a few papers or assignments (but i guess that depends who you ask).

Well, for now there is only one solution and that is this: to stop thinking about everything at once, and tackle these things one at a time, yet multi-task for the ones that require cumulative attention. I'll let you know how it turns out...I need some chocolate.

Getting Out (a short story)

The engine wouldn’t turn. She must’ve tried nearly thirty times already. Just sputtering and coughing. Exactly the sort of thing she’d expect to happen to her. She slammed her head against the steering wheel, the horn echoed against the starry night sky. It didn’t matter anyway, there was nothing for at least a mile in each direction, except a highway to the north. Maybe, if she was lucky, someone would hear it. One of the many disadvantages she had noted when they were deciding where to buy a house. She hated it there so much. As they were driving to look at the house, the second they were far enough out she felt an ache. He liked the country, and since he always won, she found herself there.

She lifted her head, annoyed as she might’ve ever been in her life, - she wasn’t quite sure - and screamed. She screamed until her throat was raw. She pounded the wheel with angry fists until her hands were numb. Once the pain was gone, the pounding was no longer a channel for the anger and the hurt. How did she get into this mess? A better question how would she get out of it?

She wiped the tears, of which she was unaware, from her face. All this couldn’t be good for her, this anger and the screaming. Suddenly her head bowed so ashamed, so worried. It all came barreling down her at once; what would she do? She would make sure that she knew that he could’ve never loved her, and that it was the right thing to do. That it saved her life. That was the one thing that made her do it, she knew she wouldn’t last if she didn’t leave. What would she name her?

She was stalling, afraid to get out of the car. She might as well get out and walk with her eyes closed, it was so dark. She scrambled through the bag she’d thrown together before she left. She’d bring the handgun, and the flashlight…if she could only find the flashlight. To her relief there was one in the backseat, along with a quilt. It was from the night before when she drove into the middle of the field to look at the stars in silence as he slept off the last she’d see of his alcohol-induced fits, passed out on the front porch. One would think it was from the alcohol, but the man had a tolerance for liquor like a bull for gore. Doesn’t mean it didn‘t knock what little sense he had in him out. She had taken the frying pan as a precaution, a justified one at that. She knew how he got, and she was going to have to stand up for herself now, she was not ready to give up the one gift he’d ever given her. That was when she decided to leave, laying on the roof her eighty-nine station wagon, she realized she couldn’t give up now. It meant everything now. It wasn’t just her life that was at risk.

She took a few deep breaths. The country always scared her at night, it didn’t matter how many times she told him. He wouldn’t listen. Or maybe he did, he just didn’t care. That was more likely. She hadn’t been able to figure out the vendetta he had with her. She had been constantly trying to figure it out. She breathed in deeper still. Held it. She closed her eyes, and
slowly let it go. It’s time to get out. Getting out of the house wasn’t the only hard exit she’d
have to make. She grabbed the door handle trying to convince herself to do it quickly like tearing off a band-aid, but her hand didn’t budge. Then she proceeded to do something she hadn’t done in quite a while. She prayed.

She had been avoiding God for so long; she was angry with Him. She was raised with a bible next to her bed, she knew the great stories of God’s deliverance. She stopped believing that He cared a year and four months after the wedding, and tried denying His existence to no avail. Four months was when it started. She thought she knew he could be a handful sometimes, but she really had no idea. Being that good christian that she was, they didn’t live together before they were married.

When the reality hit her, it hit her hard, and square in the jaw. He hit her. He told her to shut up, forcefully, not kindly. Her heart shattered in that instant. She felt like everything she knew was a lie. Every night she prayed angrily. Every night she’d wait until he was out, and she would sob herself to sleep. After a year had passed from the first time and nothing had changed, she began to resent God. Promises that were never filled were all she ever knew, and He didn’t seem to change that either. He didn’t change anything. So she gave up on asking Him for anything.

She knew now, after four years He was still there. He doesn’t leave. She didn’t know why she had to wait so long. Why she was there for a year after the first time, let alone until their four year anniversary. She knew now. She knew she never wanted to be married again, she was far too broken to ever let another man into her life. She just needed to feel whole again. She knew now, because she found out that night. She was going to tell him that night, but he flew into a rage before she could get out the words. It was for the better that he didn’t know. She had her one life’s desire, living inside her; awakened.

She got out of the car with caution, making sure she had everything she needed. She shut the door, tucking the keys into the coat pocket. Her dad’s big, blue flannel jacket was perfect for the cold dry winters here. She sniffed the collar and missed him. He had this warm, musty dad-smell. He never touched a drop of liquor, probably would’ve never approved of the marriage in the first place. An absent man in her life wasn’t something she was unfamiliar with. She was always trying to win his affections, and he said she did, even though she knew better. A girl knows real love when she has it; the deciding factor of whether or not she turns out normal is how good she is at lying to herself about it. She’d never been good at that. She was hopeful, optimistic even, but not a liar and not a fool.

He did make it known that he was proud of her, for all that she had accomplished. Well that was her senior year of college, finishing out a degree she did nothing with since. She was only a lowly housewife who couldn’t even arrange the condiments in the fridge correctly.

She snapped out of it. It was beautiful. She could see every star in the sky, glistening in front of her like a private work of art. She felt so calm all of a sudden. It was a quarter mile from her car now that she sat down. She wasn’t tired, per say, just enthralled. Totally and completely captivated. She hadn’t felt that way since the trip she had taken to the mountains with her college boyfriend. The most beautiful place she’d ever seen. That was the one rural spot she would not mind living. In fact, they were going to.

She sat up, put her elbows on her knees. It wasn’t a place she could go again; she couldn’t bring herself to think about it again. She couldn’t loose sight of the drive that she had. She was determined. The highway wasn’t too much further, and yet it would be another hurdle to clear. She was so uneasy, and yet so peaceful at the same time. She felt the strength in her rising up. She was already quite astonished at herself, she didn’t know she had any strength, let alone the enough for all this.

** this is just it so far, but there is hopefully more to come. I might even change the title.

Phantasm

She woke in the middle of the night short of breath. She sat up quickly, looked around the black room as she tried to trace back to what caused her this distress. He just told her he was madly in love with her; they say right on that couch. She leaned against the doorframe staring the couch down as she sipped a glass of water. She closed her eyes choking back tears. He left late, it had been foggy and drizzling that night. Her apartment had a cool, wet fall air about it that the breeze carried in through the open windows. The curtains danced eerily. She couldn’t calm down.

She instantly knew that something bad happened. She stood paralyzed in paranoid fear that if she moved, the world would continue turning, which would set off a chain of events she could’ve prevented if only she’d thought. It was like she’d seen it all. She leaned harder into the doorframe, sliding slowly down to the floor now watching the taunting curtains. She knew he was gone. Gone.

She suddenly dropped the cup of water to her left and caved to her right. She laid on the cool wooden floor, gazing painfully at the legs of the couch. That damn couch. She’d certainly have to get rid of it. What was she thinking? Who cares about the couch; he was lost forever. She began to sob. She sobbed so hard into the bend of her elbow that she couldn’t even feel the tears streaming from her eyes as they formed a small pool on either side of her forearm.

She woke suddenly to her alarm clock hollering at her to get up. She felt drained. She carefully crawled out of bed. Her feet hit the freezing floor, reminding her of the previous night’s conclusion. There was a message on the machine. She reluctantly pushed the button inevitably to hear a painful reiteration of the night’s occurrence.

“Beep”. “Hey, Jane. It’s me. I’s just calling to say ‘good morning’. I’m really glad we got to talk last night, bet you had as sweet of dreams as I did. Hope you have a good day at work, and hey, I love you.”

"Road to Nowhere" & "Death"

Road to Nowhere
My mind is on the road to nowhere,
My voice is silenced,
My heart is captive,
My soul is breathless,
My head is spinning at the pace of the world,
My heart beats louder than thunder,
My hands are as cold as ice,
My mind is on the road to nowhere,
And there is no turning back.

Death
Death has claimed another still,
Rendering me speechless, lacking fill,
A dull ache has been haunting me inside,
Lurking round every corner to hide,
And I thought for sure when I cried,
That it would clear up my mind,
Not dance around in circles,
Taunting me endlessly,
But I was wrong,
And it’s been aching all along.

Opinion-Nation

Opinion-nation,
Degradation,
We are tired of this abomination,
All creation,
Gives the sensation,
That we the people have no appreciation,
This alteration,
Is a declaration,
All our own from inspiration,
And congregation,
Leads to combination,
We've fallen victim to desperation,
The exaltation,
Of this deviation,
Magnifies our lack of education,
In the exploitation,
Of this opinion-nation,
We all chase some vindication,
All information,
And contemplation,
We loose our rights to all liberation,
And with obligation,
Comes a separation,
Of what's forced and what’s accommodation,
We live in world of complication,
Everyone wants his justification,
Changing this place with fluctuation,
It's steady and sure like gravitation,
Everybody's on some medication,
We can't find real alleviation,
Can somebody tell me where to find salvation?
No we're just looking for some validation,
In a place where we're same by association,
Somebody give me an estimation,
How long til we loose our fascination,
Til we're over run by corporation,
And we have no desire for relation,
How long before this adaptation,
Of our every last fixation,
Finds itself in dissipation,
What about the accumulation,
Of all our earned damnation,
What should we factor into the equation,
When calculating our summation,
Can somebody please find me a new translation,
So I can escape this condemnation?

Ooooooh, geez. Set to music, too!

I'm just doing my usual airing of thoughts for the month...or bi-month, i'm not really sure it's on a schedule. Probably not considering i'm not really on one. Haha. I'm going to inform you as the songs i'm listening to change! cause it could add some spice to this...or it could remain as boring as it always does.

"Mercy" - Duffy

I'm thoroughly convinced i could write anything in here and no one would ever read a word. I'd be like i'm pregnant and had a shot-gun wedding to my southern husband, and no one would ever ask me about it. Hahaha! I'll try it someday ;)

"Rock n' Roll" - Eric Hutchinson

I'm getting psyched for the end of the semester, in good ways and bad. I'm excited because I feel like my life will be totally different in about a month and a half, but that's also nerve-racking.
("Stop and Stare" - OneRepublic) So there are certain changes I'm totally pysched for, but at the same time there are ones i'm pretty scared of...and even the ones i'm positively excited for, i'm scared of. I'm excited to move out, but i'm scared i'll hate it. I don't think i will, but i've been wrong before, haha. Then there's the whole going from little Normandale, which is its own world to going to HUGE U of M that is its own world as well...but they're different.

I have a strong feeling i'm repeating myself here, so i'm trying to stray from that topic...I'm just still nervous! And i've been looking forward to the U for a while now, but i don't exactly hate normandale. It's nice knowing how things are done, and I'm already constantly confused about what the next step is with the U. Normandale totally babysits its students with it's like 5 letters a day about everything under the sun.

"Sweet and Low" - Augustana (such a great song, too bad it's the single)

Not to mention to get to all this change i have to survive the next two weeks...and when i think about how it's just over two weeks, i have a minor stroke. Slight exaggeration...maybe, but I'm not a plan-ahead type, so I like to know that i have some time to, well, basically to procrastinate. Which, now even knowing i don't have the time, i am procrastinating anyways. Brilliance.

Like my stupid paper for geography, just found out he won't take any more rough drafts after friday, i haven't touched this paper since midterms. ("Love Song" - Sara Bareilles) So i naturally took my four [overdue] books back to the library only to leave with seven more which i should probably bust my butt on for the next couple days. It's such an easy assignment, and yet i haven't touched it, barely thought about it last wednesday.

Barely squeezed out my communications assignment, which was also easy. I get so apathetic about school, haha. I know i could get A's...if i cared. lol. That's so bad, but so true.

"Can't Wait for October" - The Glad Version (haven't actually listened to this one yet, i dig so far)

But, *knock on wood* i think i've found my place of living! (just felt like structuring that sentence extremely weird, - it's what i do) ("Times Like These" - Jack Johnson) ("Let Her Cry" - Hootie & the Blowfish's Darius Rucker)

I'm randomly doing other things as well, just to clarify the spazztic-ness of the songs.

But yeah, the apartment, it sounds good and i don't want to jinx it by talking about it (not that that would really happen, just that if i say i'm gonna do something, it usually falls through. haha) but it could be the ticket! That is just one less thing on my mind! And it's SO close to school, i could bike when it gets warm out :) I can take my dog with me! I need her. Or maybe she needs me...both?

"Everybody's Talkin' " - Paolo Nutini (he sounds like an old man, haha)

It's not too cheap, it looks like i can fit my bed in the room! which is pure awesome, because i'd have to get used to a twin again (yuck!)

"I'm Your's" - Jason Mraz (i love how this song stars, haha so high-pitched in the cities version)

Wow, i just realized I'm such a cynic about love. LOL, it's kinda funny cause i know it comes in waves, but wow. Just so funny. Lol, maybe not about love, just dating. And going through the random times in my life when i'm annoyed with the male-species in general. Haha, then there are the random ones that are different from the rest that kind of bring me back to my senses...but the rest of them suck! haha, jk. I should try to be nice...

"Falling In Love at a coffeeshop" - Landon Pigg

I think this is a good song to end on before I sit with my thoughts and then go to work. My head is spinning with all the things to come in this next month and a half, but today I am kind of out of it so i can't fully freak out. I can't really do much...haha. Let's hope i can survive work!

Sorry, for your loss if you actually read this (my mind-vomit).

It Is You Or It Is None

Ravish me, dear one,
For it is you or it is none,
I could do without moon, or stars, or sun,
But not without you,
For there'd be no one,

I won't ever fall into another's arms,
Or find another with all your charms,
So lavish me, dear one,
For it is you or it is none,
Rest is lovely when day is done,
But not without you,
For there'd be none,

I won't ever look deep in another's eyes,
Or find another with them blue as skies,
So steal me away, dear one,
For it is you or it is none,
Where there is love is also fun,
But not without you,
For there'd be none,

I won't ever hold another's hand,
Or find another who'd understand,
So tell me, dear one,
"For it is you or it is none,
I could do without moon, or stars, or sun,
But not without you,
For there'd be no one."

**ravish is used here in the non-rape definition, rather meaning captivated or entranced.

Night & Day

Is it all worth giving,
If we ever stop living,
At all,
At all,
If you tear out your heart,
Cause she tore you apart,
Would you give it,
To me,
To me,
Cause when I saw the dawn,
I wondered where you had gone,
So fast,
So fast,
I had closed my eyes lightly,
Then opened ever so slightly,
To see,
To see,
No sign left of night,
Only morning’s dear light,
Springing through trees that swayed in the breeze,
As I watched their dance,
My heart did romance,
About you,
About you,
About you,
About you-who,
Captured my love in a fury of fire,
Blazed right through my life,
Catching my true desire,
To be,
To be,
To be,
To be,
To be where I was with you when,
I fell in love with you then,
If I,
If I…
If I felt things were right,
I’d be sleeping tonight,
So sound,
So sound,
You’re so,
Sound,
So sound,
And if you came through the night,
Like a soldier through fight,
For me,
For me,
We’d be,
We’d be worth it all,
Yeah, we’d be worth it all.


++Just a song i wrote (no music yet, because i don't know music) on a whim i guess, not really from experience, but from an overly romantically tuned heart :)

Time Code

Directions:
1. Put your iPod, iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS
4. Pick ten Random friends who like music as much as you do and tag them.

1. IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Don't Speak - No Doubt

2. HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
Masochist - Ingrid Michaelson (haha...um, don't think so?)

3. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
Hot n' Cold - Katy Perry (HAHA! that's funny)

4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Landslide - Dixie Chicks version (depressing, haha. the only song i have on iTunes by them.)

5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE PURPOSE?
Falling In Love at a Coffee shop - Landon Pigg (ok this pretty much hits the nail on the head!!! hahahaha, wow)

6. WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Those Nights - Skillet (i guess this makes sense if you know the song)

7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
On the Radio - Regina Spektor (yeah, that doesn't make sense.)

8. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Sleeping In - the Postal Service

9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Crazy - Shawn Colvin (haha, too true)

10. WHAT IS 2 + 2?
Untitled, Anonymous - Everyday Sunday

11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Raze City - Snow Patrol (i've never actually listened to this song...)

12. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Now or Never - 3 Days Grace (true)

13. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
These Photographs - Joshua Radin

14. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Staple it Together - Jack Johnson (lol, great i'm going to be a secretary when i grow up)

15. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
(NO JOKE, THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED) Dirty Little Secret - All American Rejects

16. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Goodnight and Go - Imogen Heap (...dirty? lol)

17. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
In The Privacy of Our Love - Hot Chip (haha...um...?)

18. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Under The Bridge - Red Hot Chili Peppers (sad)

19. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Breakfast - Newsboys

20. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Waiting on the World to Change - John Mayer (sad day!)

21. SONG THEY WILL PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Breathe in Breathe Out - M.K. (slightly morbid...considering i won't be breathing)

22. WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Time Code - Bright Eyes (glad i don't even listen this guy)

Getting Psyched...in good and bad ways.

Go figure, I'm either totally procrastinating the REAL planning I need to do for the billion and one changes that are to befall me next semester, or I'm freaking out about it. I'm finding there is no such thing as a happy medium when it comes to my feelings about the future. (Ironically listening to John Mayer's "No Such Thing" haha).

Some of the stuff like what I'm going to do for a job when I get out of school...I don't really want to think about that, who job searches before they even have a degree anyways? Gosh! Then there's the little bit about where I'm going to live next semester...haha. Um yeah, haven't planned that out in the least! I should probably start saving the first month's rent/deposit...but have I thought of that before today? Nope. That thought just occurred.

So basically, i freak out about finding a job after school, even though i think it's absurd to even worry about cause it'll be a while; and i don't think about the apartment as much as i probably should (cause i promised myself I would not live at home).

I'm excited and scared at the same time. I'm so used to Normandale, life is simple there. Classes aren't always simple (not as much as people might think), but everything else pretty much is. Then there's the U of M which is like opposite, it's like it's own little world...but in a different way than Normandale is.

This will be the first time I've ever admitted this, but here goes: I'm a little afraid I won't fit it as much as I'd like to think. Yup, first time that's been owned up to, haha. I've lived in the 'burbs my whole life, not the city. I should just do this all blindly, make it my own learning experience. I've got to stop asking people questions or even listen to their [unwanted/unwaranted] advice about what i should do and should worry about and should prepare for and should re-think. If i make a mistake it'd be no different than any other day of my life, haha. Or anyone else's for that matter. So I think i just convinced myself that I shouldn't worry about any of it...plan it, yes; worry, no. Good thought-airing!

Life's Random Giggle-Worthy Moments

Life has just been making me giggle lately. I just get amusement from the silly things that happen around me. I've always been that way, but it seems prevalent right now, with some seemingly tough stuff going on in my life too. I just love the antics of people and life.

My mom comes home after going out to her weekly bible study, and is rapidly pursued by the dog (who makes chew-baka like noises and dances around) and my dad who just "happens" to wander up from the basement right as she arrives but doesn't say hi just wanders aimlessly around pouting cause he hasn't received immediate attention.

Or how on a daily basis I loose my car in the parking lot at school. Someone always tries to follow me to my spot too, then I feel bad because I haven't the slightest clue as to where my car is!

My photography teacher, who at first i thought was like how i would be when i got to be about 55, ... then when she started repeating herself repeatedly it got a little scary. Lol, she tells us about the same things over and over, and i know it's mean but i just have to laugh. My other option is to get annoyed, so i choose the better.

The random customer that is REALLY excited about old fashioned donuts! Haha.

The stupid thing someone said about the economy...I can't say anymore, but i'll just say it's the perfect time for first time buyers.

So many random other things, at least I have SOMETHING to entertain me.

Coldplay, I'm sorry!

Today is a sad day: my favorite band is in town, and I didn't work at it enough to get someone to commit to going with me in advance, and no one i know is crazy enough to try to buy scalped tickets with me (which i would TOTALLY do) except margaret and she's not exactly available...so I'm bummed. I would have FREAKED if i had been able to go to that concert. It's a sad day.

Otherwise, so far not such a bad friday. Peace.

It's Hard to Explain

I've been asked twice in the last two weeks to explain what happened. It's odd, because for all the thinking about it I've done, explaining it was difficult. I had to think about it. I had to think about it. More. Never would've thought that would be necessary. It's hard to explain to someone that when the truth is built up; hidden away somewhere and it falls into the open a collapse of the newly exploited is inevitable. I didn't mean to be as cruel as I was, it's just that sometimes the truth has a sting. It's unfortunate that you thought it was a game of creating arguments, when really it was just my pent up honesty, - true feelings I'd been burying for months, maybe longer due to my fear of your probable anger and disregard. It's pretty sad when ties are severed because the truth cannot be told.

It's hard to explain, because I still don't understand what happened. I'm getting closer to feeling okay about it, but I still don't fully understand it.

BBFF...(i <3 acronyms)

I have the best best friends ever! I just got a beast of a letter that i've been really excited for and although i don't have time to read the whole thing right now (cause i accidentally forgot about my one o'clock class...*ahem*) I am SUPER excited :) So i just thought the world should know!

T.T.F.N.

So since facebook is so good at consuming (and wasting) hours of my life every week i decided I'm going to lay off for a week, and see how nice it is to feel normal again. Haha, but really, I know I just use it to procrastinate, so I'm going to do without this week! Maybe I'll read a book...or do my homework ahead of time, instead of the night before it's due in between comments on facebook. Facebook is an evil genius! How many times can I say facebook? Ok...I digress.

Tonight, when the clock strikes midnight...haha, jk. But officially monday 12:00AM, to monday the 17th at 12:00AM I am leaving facebook be! I may post notes via my blog, seeing as I can't go without writing something each day. That is the one exception. And i know some people are thinking, "OoooOO, a whole week!", but really, i know i spend too much time on that stupid site, hence it will be a nice vacay!

Thanks, all and see ya in a week!

Cheers

Cheers to inexperience and ignorance in the white house! Cheers to the hope of impeachment! Cheers to puking in your mouth a little when you heard the news! Cheers to dead and made-up people for voting! Cheers to pulling out of Iraq, when it's not really a war anymore, and ending up somewhere else! Cheers to the prospect of cheaper, lower quality health care! And lastly, cheers to the American people, let's hope a majority don't regret the decision they so stupidly made!

Fall's Last Stand

I Miss You A Lot, Today

Thinking a lot this about a dear friend that passed away at the end of this summer. It's been kinda tough. But it got me thinking some more about her and the legacy she left behind. The biggest thing that resounded through all that's been said about her was love. What a beautiful legacy to leave behind.

We were co-workers to begin with, and we turned into friends. It's been really hard going to work and wishing there was somebody to talk to, and then remembering all the silly chats her and I used to have about grey's anatomy, or even fibromyalgia (i'd take that again any day). It made me think, wow this is really hard and we weren't even as close as I would've liked to have been. She was such a great woman. I thought, how awful must this be for those who were her best friends.

It made me think, what kind of legacy do I want to leave behind, someday? I don't care about people liking my artwork or my poetry, or my ; I hope that when people remember me, they remember me as fondly as those who knew and remember Sue.

I miss you a lot, today. I won't ever hear Norah Jones the same; I won't ever drive by a Curves without thinking of you. I won't ever rub my fingers without thinking you. You were one of the silliest, most lovable people I've ever known, and I'm glad to have.

If Seeing Your Face

if only seeing your face made it go away,
then i wouldn't have to think about you today,
if only i could learn a way to get through a day,
without the pain coming back,
and throwing me off track,
if the thought of you makes me ill,
why am i thinking of you still,
and you're somewhere without me,
not even in your memory,
and i,
i don't know how to feel,
and I don't know how to deal,
then i think giving up on you,
is the only thing to do,
if i ever want to feel,
this heart inside me heal,

but if i let this go,
i will never know,
what would've happened had i let it show.

You Hung in My Thoughts

Sorry, I don't know what to tell you,
I held my breath so long that I turned blue,
And I can't see what's in it for me,
To hold onto the you I see,
Cause you're different now than you were then,
And I don't even know you, friend,
You hung in my thoughts for a day or two,
But that was the last I thought of you,
Cause to cut a scar,
Was to go too far,
And to see you here,
Not know who you are,
Well that's,
Just,
Sad,
After all,
We've,
Had,
You turned away in silence,
And now I shake my head,
And she rocks your bed,
But we both know,
That it just won't go,
Like it should,
And she'll let go just like she would,
Then you'll fall,
And you'll fall,
And you'll fall right through it all,
With nowhere to land cause you let go of my hand,
That I can't understand,
Aren't you supposed to be a man,
Well let's hope you can,
Cause no girl's gonna take,
What is left in the wake,
Of another soul,
Or fill the hole that's in your heart,
That you've covered up right from the start,
And if you'd quit denying,
and you started trying,
No one'd be left crying,
or aching or lying,
But you're taking and prying,
Apart all the layers you've built,
And it's sad that you don't see,
How you're gonna wilt,
When it all falls apart,
And rips at the seams,
Crushing your heart,
and destroying your dreams,
Cause you wouldn't listen,
Or open an ear,
Cause you can't learn from something you hear,
And I wish I could tell you dear,
But I mean nothing to you, I fear.

A Few Thoughts on God

I was thinking about my faith a lot today, and it's odd that once you know God, you can't imagine life without Him. I don't even fully rely on God as much as I should, and the idea of life without Him, well, honestly I can't even comprehend it. The idea of going nowhere after death is...just...so depressing. It's a wonder people can go on living without a Purpose in their life. I don't even have a grasp on where God wants me to go yet, and yet I know He has a purpose for me. If it wasn't for Him and the Hope He provides and promises, I don't think I'd be at all the person I am, or where I am.

I also don't get how you could live this life and not feel Him and see Him everywhere, in everything. This world is too much, only an Awesome Creator could do all this. I'm kind of high on God tonight, so I know anyone who doesn't know him will look at this and think i'm nuts. But i am for so many other reasons than my faith, haha. And knowing the truth doesn't make anyone crazy. Having the ability to believe in something abstract apparently does. *shrugs* I could never deny it, for many reasons in my life, and tonight was just a reassurance of His Greatness.

Sweet New Digs

I am really excited! We FINALLY ordered my new camera online and are picking it up tomorrow! *EEK*! I just had to get that out there, it's the Nikon D60 and I got a boss deal on it! And a lovely little protection plan that if I drop it and break it, they'll fix it...not that I would ever drop a camera; what a disgusting thought! So I'm really excited for it and hopefully it will fan the flame of my love for photography (not that it went out, just depleted...sadly). And then I'm going to go shoot my hot bff on sunday! Yay, what a good weekend this is shaping up to be.

Seriously can't wait to see how this baby performs!

Semi-Crappy Day to a New Tune

Today has been an odd day. I can't really say it was awful, just not good as I would hope. But I've never really heard of a good Monday...
I didn't want to go to work tonight, and once I got to work, I pretty much didn't want to be there, and once I left work I was so worn out from my blasee (sp?) day that I couldn't even be excited. Boring, bore, bore bore!

I really miss my daisy. I miss autumn walks on sunny days, and coffee in the green chairs with no shoes and a nice coloring book. I miss giggle til absurd hours of the night even though we'd have class the next day! Poo! I miss her. She rocks.

I don't like that I don't get to see my lover (no we are not a real couple; if it weren't for that amazing guy she's dating...haha, jk) only once a week. It makes me lonesome. We have spaztic rants together on that one day though, so it tides me over barely til the next sunday.

I miss my stupid brother that almost never comes over. He's a butthead.

Now I'm just ranting about missing people, haha.

The minute I wanted to go outside and enjoy fall today, it got gray and kinda muggy. Not cool.

This can't be a solely complaining blog, so I will say that I've discovered a new current favorite song! I've been really into rhythmic, acoustic music lately. That's a lot of "ic". It's by this band/guy? called Slow Runner and it is just my fall anthem of the year, I think thus far.

That was one lovely thing about today, it really felt like fall...(that and I got a hold of the september issue of my favorite magazine, if you want to know which one just ask! I bet i'll surprise you!)

The Omnipotent [and mysterious] "Change"

This was originally my comment on my cousin's blog that got so long I decided, heck I'll post it as a blog itself. This is my statement of how I feel about politics right now, and NO! I don't want to discuss it with you, k? That said, feel free to comment, because I won't play along any other time:

Truth be told, yeah there are some liberals (and some conservatives) that have done their research, but there seem to be a lot of people that are sucked into Obama's "I will bring CHANGE,..." "Change, change, change, CHANGE!" - I hear this change stuff is good, but then again I don't know what kind of change Obama's planning on making. My point here is, people get sucked into Obama's ambiguous vortex of "change" and act like he is going to save the world. As a christian it makes me really uncomfortable to see people in the crowds at his rallies with tears rolling down their faces. He's not God. It just makes me feel really eerie; I don't like it.

But to me, McCain is the lesser of two evils, in all honesty. Would've rather had a different republican on the ballot, but I guess I'd say the choice of Palin for V.P. helped seeing as she is probably more conservative than him.

Now, i haven't watched the debates and said I wouldn't, but I'm reconsidering because up until now, all I've heard about are the politics: "oh no Palin's daughter is pregnant" "Obama's covering up the fact that he was once, or possibly still is a Muslim"... as opposed to the straight forward talk about ISSUES. I want to know what this supposed change is that now BOTH parties are promising.

But like I said, from what I've seen of Obama early on in his campaign while McCain was hiding away in a closet somewhere, I don't like him. And maybe the government can't solve all our problems, but if you vote Obama, he's sure as hell going to try. I don't know about the rest of the US, but I'm damned blessed to be born here and I think our system is unique and should be kept that way. If anyone wants a nice socialist country, don't drag the US down, go move to Switzerland or France, and soak it up...because that [socialism] is one direction I'm sure it won't take long for Obama to start promising to head.

Oh and as for gov. run health care, just ask anyone who's lived in Canada for years how GOD AWFUL their system is. It'll make you think twice about implementing that in our lovely country.

Loving the omnipotent "CHANGE" !

Haha, my little crush

This is wrong, but I recently discovered I have a little crush on Jon Stewart. Random, I know...but I think it's the salt and pepper gray [love, love, love], combined with the wittiness, not to mention he doesn't really side with anyone, he picks on both sides which works for someone like me who hates politics. On that note:

"After a quick meet and greet with King Abdullah, Obama was off to Israel, where he made a quick stop at the manger in Bethlehem where he was born" - Jon Stewart

Ah, brilliance : )

Reformulating the Plan

I'm really working on getting my creativity un-blocked. I feel really boring lately. All I do is go to school, sleep, and work. Woo-who! Fun life right now. And I miss my friends, I don't see them nearly enough if I get to see them at all. Not even cool...but aside from that, I've just been in a brain fog for what seems like 3 weeks or a month now. I can't even write poetry without rhyming at a second grade rate of AABB...Lord, save us all! It's really awful, I'm sorry if anyone actually reads this and has to put up with the decline in my writing skills. Usually during school I'm very contemplative and write good stuff, I've just been stuck. It's sad.

On another note, I've reformulated my plan for my continuing college years. I will have practically gone long enough to get a doctorate by the time I'm done, but oh well. I was officially offered admittance to the University of Minnesota this past...monday? I don't remember cause the last week has been blurring together. Anyways, I was told not to worry about getting in, but none-the-less, that makes one less thing to worry about. Now it's just taking that leap - it's either that or staying at Normandale which is pretty much not happening. For as much as I'm familiar with how things work there, I'm familiar with how things work there. Point taken? Let's hope. I just have an indecision problem because I fear I'll be wrong and it's not that being wrong is so hard, it's wasting time, effort, MONEY. I want to make the right, wisest decision for my future.

My reformulated plan goes as follows:
+ Spring of 2009 go to the U of M, majoring in Journalism with an emphasis in photojournalsim (it's a mouthful that I actually dislike telling people simply for the risk of stumbling unnecessarily over my words)
+ Summer possibly take summer classes
+ Fall 2009 Study Abroad in Paris through the U of M
+ Spring 2010...GRADUATE! Woot! Now, this is if I decide to do the work my butt off route and studying abroad works into that scheme...otherwise
+ Fall 2010 Graduate

After which, I'd like to attend either the Brooks Institute (maybe live in Santa Barbara for a bit?? sounds good to me) for only a few classes for experience, Hennipen Tech to get an associates in photography (backwards I know, but it makes sense if you wanna know why, ask), or to a Bible School/DTS with YWAM.

I never would've guessed that this would be my plan 4 years ago, when I hated school. Not that I don't now, just that I can't have just one of these things...unless God stears me in a different direction. Or I change my mind again, neither of which should ever shock anyone. So why are you reading this? I mean, yeah I write in hopes...but really? Haha, well, just gotta keep an up to date stance on my life and plans. So off to do some homework, even though I don't have school tomorrow...who am i?

Standing Still & Silent

Can I have your hand,
To hold near my chest,
Nearest my heart,
Then I can rest,
Cause what I see in your eyes,
Is wonderful and true,
They paint a picture of what I see in you,
They glimmer and glisten,
Quiet, like children who listen,
Can you feel my heart pounding,
Excitement resounding,
As I stand enwrapped in you,
Standing still and silent,
I can tell you're in it too,
Strong, frightening, and violent,
Keeping them closed just to see such a sight,
Breathing steady,
Hearts are ready,
To take such a daring flight.

~This is an old one that I'm not quite sure why I didn't post, but I came across it again and thought it should be posted.~

Blah, blah, blah - BLOCKED!

Funny how I state photography as my passion, my decided career path...and writing gets me creatively flowing. Ha! I can't even figure myself out. I have a headache, I'm really overtired and I just want to nap. But I have this impending project that I SHOULD finish. Should. I really just want to take a nap. It's my weekend, I don't want to think about school. That is the last thing on my mind...sorta.

I'm just not good with the whole forced to be creative thing. Which is funny cause why did I sign up a photo class?? Stupid! I'll figure something out, I usually do. Signing off to take a nap.

My thoughts before I dive into my pile of homework...

I have the urge to writes songs right now, but I don't know what about. Just to write songs. I get like a single line, but i don't know whether to make a chorus out of it or a verse, then i don't know what else to surround it with. I just get one line, or phrase.

I'm really tired, and yet i'm procrastinating the crazy workload that i have ahead of me. What else is new? I don't even know quite how big. I guess i'll find out.

I bragged today, i don't like it when i brag. I reflect later and think, wow i probably sounded like a big douche. Probably. I don't like bragging. It's kinda like my interrupting problem, i know i do it, but i haven't figured out how to stop it before it comes out of my mouth. It's bad, and when i interrupt, i usually am too afraid to say sorry, for some weird reason.

I'm trying to get all my creativity and thought out now, so as to clear the ADD from my brain leaving room for the academic mumbo-jumbo to flow.

I feel like from now until monday at about 3 pm i am going to be absolutely beat! I do get SOME recreation this weekend, but even that feels like it will be squished.

See, i have my lease favorite thing about French class on monday. And i can't seem to get out of my head (hence, i'm trying to by writing this) about it. So i'm already fearing it, when it's 3 days away. I just forgot everything. It all fled my brain in a giant hurry after this past spring semester. POOF! Gone. I usually tend to overract about these though, which is me not being able to get out of my head.

I should quit now. Writing that is. I'm scared...here goes!

At Peace

I'm currently enjoying some coldplay and not really concerned with the fact that I should be asleep right now. I feel very relaxed. I have felt very at peace with life's standings right now, that doesn't happen all that often. I'm a worrier. It's nice to just sit and relax my mind and not really worry. Things'll work out in the end, however they're supposed to. Maybe it's the quietness of a cool fall night, combined with cars rushing by on the freeway off in the distance, and a good coldplay tune or two but this is the most relaxed I've felt for a long time. That is my only thought (I've apparently broken the creative thinking block just by confronting it, funny how that works, eh?) for the evening because suddenly my relaxation and peace translated into tiredness.

The Love You Left Behind

Tell me how it got so bad,
That you would sacrifice everything you had,
What was it that made you turn away,
Fearing to face another day,
What is there to bind,
You to the love you left behind,
Maybe you didn't know,
Just how cherished you were,
Maybe you were scared of the flow,
Of the days that began to blur,
Whatever the case you're missed dearly,
And though I don't know you,
You were loved, clearly.

Today's Life Lesson [After 6 Months in the Making]

It's seriously odd how I can have so many billions of thoughts every day that I want to express, but can't find anything to say. I don't know if it's the mundane, same old of school and having all my friends detached from me leaving me with nothing to do, but I've been mentally constipated lately. It's a goofy way to put it, but it pretty much sums it up. I've had so many thoughts, things I want to elaborate on, but I get stuck. Weird, chaotic stuff has been going on, and it's almost like I don't even know how to process it. One lesson I've had today goes a little something like this:

Life is an unknown to us. We think we've got it down pat, then a wrench hits the gears. You never know when your's could be done, or someone dear to you. This past year this has been prepped in me, this lesson. I've been slowly learning this simple lesson, and now it's time to attempt to put it into practice. I kind of hate the phrase life is short. Ask an 80 year old if that's true and I doubt they'll say yes. Just cause it goes by fast, doesn't mean it's short. But life is unpredictable, even with it's constants (yes, I do mean to spell it that way). So the lesson, in short, is this; You never know what it could mean to someone for you to tell them you love them. Pushing to show love in someone's life; to be the love in their life, could change everything.

The world goes mad over a day without coffee

This is so sad, i've been super creatively blocked, so much so, that i'm going back to unfinished poems to work on them, and if i'm lucky enough to make any progress i post them...for the most part, i haven't even finished the already unfinished ones.

The moral of the story kids: don't have a summer break in which you don't leave the state for more than a day.

I can't even form well organized sentences! School can't possibly be stiffling me this much already, can it?

Well, i have a better excuse for today; i didn't have my coffee.

You Who Reside in Me

I'm joyful despite the ache inside of me,
Because I know that you who reside in me,
You lay my path and prepare my road
You weigh no wrath but bear my load,
You guide me through many trials,
And along the way, inspire smiles,
When they're hard to evoke,
You put together the pieces,
Of everything that broke,
You whisper in my ear,
That all will be okay,
If I just try not to understand,
But take firm hold of your hand,
You will walk with me and never stray,
Walking with me always, always you'll stay.

It All Comes Down to Love

The funny thing about life is we take it so seriously, when there's so much to it that we can't understand. There are so many trials and even little everyday battles that we stress over, and maybe we shouldn't. I've been learning in my years in the process of maturing (which I fully admit is still in progress) that life is strictly about love. That's all that's really important. That's all that's truly great in this world. Power, as an example, has its highs and its lows, but it is not as great as love and it can be lost. Love cannot be lost, it is hidden and tucked away when it's not appreciated, but it seems it's always with us. It can be revoked by someone, but that shouldn't be considered a loss, because love is never failing, if it's real, you can't help it no matter the circumstance. Power pales in comparison to love; partially because love has power. It contains it. But it's not manipulative. Love is just so amazing, and I keep learning that more and more with each day, and I think it is a powerful lesson.

I know when she got up there she probably went "Woo!" in that little way she would, and that is enough to make it okay.

DEDICATED TO SUSAN BUSHARD

Understanding

I'm having trouble understanding,
In a world that's, so demanding,
When everything's upside down,
And a life which we renown,
Is stopped and dropped like a porcelain doll,
And here we are, unaware of it all,
How precious is every minute,
And all that we see,
Before us, in it,
When suddenly life has changed,
And everything feels rearranged,
We want to try and understand,
But the reality is in your hand,
And if we take it then we will see,
What it is that this supposed to be.

Confusion and Indecision

I wish I could make up my mind. I'm sick of all this confusion. I'm trying to figure out what's best, but everything seems to get continually messier. (I wasn't even sure that "messier" was a word.) I'm really trying to be logical, but then the worry kicks in, and that's when I feel like I need to make a move now or all will fail. I don't like impulse, it's the main reason I'm so indecisive; when comes down to making a decision on the spot, I worry about making one that's too impulsive, and hence reckless. Who knows, it'll work out. Luckily none of these decisions will result in my death, so if I choose wrong, it won't be the end. (I like to try and end on a positive note)

This Day Is Bumming Me Out!

I really should clean my room today to make an area to keep my new printer and laptop. The problem is I don't feel like it. Maybe it's the waking up to talk radio, maybe it's the reading text messages first thing (it usually serves me badly, you think i'd learn to wake up a while before reading texts). Maybe it's the fact that I'm realizing I start school in 10 days. 10 DAYS. I don't want to, spare me? Why I'm dreading it so much this time around, I don't know. I just know I'm horribly unexcited. I did absolutely nothing this week. It has been such a dull week, and I think that's when I get really afraid of adding more time consuming things onto my daily schedule; when time is flying by me and squirming out of my grip.

I have this theory: if we watch time go by, it either goes by too fast or too slow. I've never watched the clock tick by at a happy medium.

I am just kinda bummed out cause my summers were getting progressively better each year and this one has sucked. Quite frankly, it did. And it gets to me more because I have this ultimatum, this looming fate of going back to school, not this monday, but the next. And then so many things are going to be changing, I feel like I'll be too busy to notice. It's almost, on a subconscious level, like this summer has sucked, and hence will this fall.

The only sparkling glimmer of hope I have is that it's all in God's hands, and He will do what He wills.

The Root

Under dirt we bury each lie,
Like roots of trees or at least we try,
The branches sway in the wind like dancers,
While we're down below covering up the answers,
Shifting side to side, swallowing our pride,
So no one will ever know the things that we never show,
We'll just wait for the first winter snow,
Cover up, cover up,
We lie, and we lie,
Lay down, lay down,
With each one we die,
Hide away, hide away,
Never telling why,
So deeper we'll dig,
Until the hole gets big,
And the mystery we can't reveal,
Is the bigger it gets the more empty we feel,
Holding on to these fragments of sand,
When we should be holding onto one another's hand,
Cover up, cover up,
We lie, and we lie,
Lay down, lay down,
With each one we die,
Hide away, hide away,
Never telling why,
We hope never to see it again,
And are left wondering when,
The wind'll tear down that tree,
Exposing all that's yet to see,
Cover up, cover up,
Lay down, lay down,
Hide away, hide away,
But we can't,
No we can't,
Hide forever,
Cause you always say never,
Someday we'll have to come clean,
Tell them just what we mean,
And watch as everyone sees,
The ugly roots of those trees.

How to Deal

Alright, so I'm a little scared. A lot is going to change this coming fall; I lied, I'm a lot scared. It seems like so much is different and unknown that I'm not prepared for. I didn't think graduating from high school would throw me for a loop this much but it's not just a set track for me anymore, I can sort of pave my own way and with that comes the possibility of making mistakes; and with that responsibility. It makes me to nauseas to think about all at once.

Not to mention I will be frequently deprived of my 3 best friends. I don't like meeting new people, I don't even want to make new friends. Is that sad? I like meeting new people. I can't make up my mind apparently, but I already knew that. Back to my point, I'm going to have far too much free time, I fear I'm going to have to make additional friends. This sounds so snobby, it's not meant to. I'm just afraid of it. I'm content having the friends I have now who accept me and I don't have to prove things to them. I am at comfort levels with them that take time, I don't know that I'm ready to start new ones. Especially right now. Yet, it's kind of exciting.

I just think it's awkward. Making new friends is awkward. I'm stressing out about this way too much. I just have such great friends, that I feel like the only reason to search out more (not that I'm one for searching out people to hone in on and make friends with...) is because I will be separated from my already awesome ones.

Maybe I'm overreacting (I do that sometimes). Maybe it won't be that bad and I'll be so busy I won't notice or have a lot of time anyways to even miss them. That's what I'm hoping. I'm sorta hoping, too, that it all happens how it happens, and with ease. I don't want to work at making friends, in my mind you just click with people. I don't want to be stressed about grades and deciding my next step.

I feel like these last months have been deciding my next step and then changing my mind about it for some reason or another.

One thing I am sure about, this year is going to be another giant experience in which I can figure out God more. He's reassured me of that too. Whatever happens it will be an experience, and I'll never really be alone. I guess that's comfort enough for now. Plus I'm laid back enough that I can deal with the repercussions of my choices.

Anything he can do i can do better...no really. The man was a total pot-head.

Miracle of God someone could become famous with a fried brain like that man, thus I've decided I too could become famous by propelling the words from my mind so fast that they may not even form cohesive sentences, call these word-vomit concoctions "Poetry", and get published. Hence, that is what this shall be subtitled,

"Word-Vomit Concoctions"
Dedicated to Margaret,
for always laughing with me.

~The literature of this day, is hairy monkey's urine.

~The happenings of onez brain circa3AM may cause chaos run amuck the yard of your duck.

~Fruit falls from tree, only if it groes on you.

~Cable calls as rain falls down walls of empty halls in busy malls

~You must always find your mother. Make haste!

~When the rain falls on the plain in the North of Spain a squirrel dies in your brain.

~Flatulence, is like the body's natural sigh, tears are like the bathing of the eye.

~If your mother was you, and you were me, and your sister too, then who would I be?

~Poker chips your teeth by the crack of your smile in the darkening while.

~A broken piano keys like stone breaking each bone more over the phone as it left alone.

~Jim is really Jan, but jan was once a man who drove fancy van while very tan.

~ Due to the movies, the sky will fall in 2010. It will be the die off all the men. Counting down to 2010, save your ponies until then.

life and death

I'm sitting here with you weighing death and life,
With all I know at the end of a knife,
And I ask of you is it worth all the pain,
When you finally watch it all swirl down the drain,
A beating, beating, beating in your head,
Convinces you that surely you are dead,
But if you'd simply open your eyes you'd see,
You can be everything you want to be.

Sitting here with you weighing life and death,
I'm trying to teach you to appreciate each breath,
You've wasted enough time not living up,
And spent not quite enough not giving up,
I want you to see what I see in you,
What you could be if you tried to,
I'd tell you if you hadn't locked me out,
Putting everything you had on one single doubt,
If you'd only asked, maybe I would've told,
Then it all would begin to unfold,
Then we wouldn't be here with a wall in between,
Wishing we could say what we mean.

I'm sitting here without you weighing a death,
Holding onto the pain with every single breath,
Although you are everywhere I can't feel you anymore,
Although you were everything you're not what you were before,
I can't see your eyes or ponder your face,
I can't bare to go back to that wretched place,
Someday these wounds will heal,
Then I'll be able to feel like some of this is real.

Waiting On You To Come Through

I'm sick of waiting on you to come through for me,
I'm tired of trying to be who everyone wants me to be,
I can't close my eyes without taking a deep breath,
I can't keep contemplating life and death,
I can't keep wondering what it is I've done wrong,
What I've done to deserve pain this strong,

I can't look into your eyes and ponder your face,
Without feeling the ache of disgrace,
I wonder what it is we've become,
Withered and lonely, selfish and numb,
I won't pull you up again,
I won't go back to how things were then,

Cause I'm sick of waiting on you to come through for me,
I'm tired of trying to be who everyone wants me to be,
I can't close my eyes without taking a deep breath,
I can't keep contemplating life and death,
I can't keep wondering what it is I've done wrong,
What I've done to deserve pain this strong,

Maybe I'll never get a chance to tell,
You exactly what I've wanted to yell,
You took advantage of me, and I,
Never understood long enough to cry,
Maybe you'll never know that you,
Made it all true,
Never stopped me when you wanted to,

And I'm sick of waiting on you to come through for me,
I'm tired of trying to be who everyone wants me to be,
I can't close my eyes without taking a deep breath,
I can't keep contemplating life and death,
I can't keep wondering what it is I've done wrong,
What I've done to deserve pain this strong,

You said you cared and you even shared,
And what you said scared every part of me,
Cause at the heart of me, I could start to see,
That this was going to be, this was bound to be,
Something complicated that was always fated,
To be one of a kind,
A love long lost in the shadows of the blind,

I'm done waiting on you to come through for me,
I've never been what you wanted me to be,
I'll always take a deep breath when I close my eyes,
As every part of me gives in and sighs,
I'll always wonder what I've done wrong,
And I'll always carry the pain that made me strong.

** This didn't turn out exactly as planned, but for now it's good enough**

It's been far too long for ME to not have posted

I've gotten quite sick of people treating me poorly lately. I don't think there's any cause for it, unless of course I am a jerk to them first, but in said situation I'd prefer a notification as to my behavior. Which brings me to another point, maybe this is just me but I find it hard to believe people don't notice when they're being total jerks. When someone's being that way to me, one of the first things that pops into my head is "Don't you see how mean you're being?".

I've been getting really fed up with people being inconsiderate as well. I'm not trying to say I'm perfect and don't piss of my fair share, but I'd like to think I try my darnedest to be considerate. Sometimes people really appreciate it and couldn't be more thankful, other times they use you because they know you can't say "no". The reason it sucks most, is because there's a certain level of consideration I think everyone deserves, hence I think I deserve it as equally as my neighbors on this messy spinning ball we call home; the reason it sucks most is that not everyone else believes that consideration is deserved by all, or even most. It sucks because no matter how considerate I try to be to someone (even despite an anger towards them), they can't seem to muster up the guts and shove down the pride long enough to show me a little.

On top of all that, something that's really been on my mind is time. Not in the typical way it's been probably more than once before, in the sense of quality time spent with loved ones. I can't understand how one can possibly maintain an important, vital relationship with another, without giving them any of their time. It goes something like this: you can tell me you love me as much as you want, but that means nothing if I never see you, or even hear from you to know you're still alive. If nothing else at least that, cause for as much as I'm an optimist that's when the pessimistic fears rise up in me and wonder what's wrong.

I just think there's no excuse, love is about sacrifice so if that means getting up earlier, staying up later, driving halfway across town, or even doing something you're afraid of and absolutely hate...I'll do what I have to for the people that matter to me.

A Perplexed Afterthought

I want to,
But I can't,
I hope that something comes to mind,
But it doesn't,
And so,
I find myself lost in a flow,
Of the words that emerge into thought,
In some strange place of wandering wrought,
Spare no time for technicalities,
Dive right into the harsh realities,
Spin this thing til I see what way is up,
Turn it inside out til each day is up,
Going over, and over the same old things,
Tearing it apart until my heart stings,
... and I stop,
I feel my hopes drop,
I slap myself in the face,
Yell "Get out of this place",
I try to find a way through this maze,
So I can finally set this memory ablaze,
Why can't I let go,
And just let the tears flow,
Why can't it be gone,
So that I can move on,
I know it's good for me,
And the reality I can see,
Still I can't get myself free,
And I'm stuck in this place,
Where I can't get a grip,
And I can't seem to trace the outline of my future,
No matter how hard I try or what I do,
I don't think I'll ever forget you.

Losing Time

I'm losing time, 

The more I hold on, 

The more I feel like I'm already gone, 

Days fly by, 

 Even minutes and hours, 

With each that passes, 

This life sours, I can feel it rot all around me, 

Reminders of mortality and death surround me, 

The fears and doubts continuously pound me, 

Can nothing happen anymore to astound me? 

I look straight into a blue sky, 

And all I can do is wonder why, 

What does it matter, 

If a life begins to shatter, 

If a heart proceeds to break, 

Will it even leave a wake? 

If it all were to crumble, 

Who would hear the echoing rumble? 

We'll all be lost to it someday, 

What then will we have to say, 

What then will mean each day, 

Each hour, 

Each minute, 

What value then will be in it?

I miss college?

Have I mentioned lately how excited I am to start the rest of my life? Like, now. I'm even excited for the next semester at Normandale. NORMANDALE! I just want to get on with, having things to do and being busy. I don't like summer unless every minute is filled with something interesting and i can't always think of interesting things to do...and i can't get the hours i want at work to fill some of this boring time.

I really want to go to Paris in the spring (which i'm putting off so much that I think now it might not happen) and i'm excited to go to the U of M after that. I'm excited to be completely lost in life once i get done with school. "Done with school". I might cry when i hear those words. I don't think i believe it for at least 2 years after i'm done. I feel like that phrase is a lie, i'll never be done. Just like i know i'll never make money. I mean, i'll make money, but the whole theory on having a college degree, in anything at all will translate into money...doubtful. I think it will translate into years of debt, and waiting until i'm 35 to buy a house.

Those are just the worries of my mind, never mind those for now.

Nevertheless, i'm excited to see where life goes. Graduating is like getting over a hill. I feel like i'm sitting at the bottom, which is also the bottom of another very large hill...that i'm avoiding plotting how to get over. I need to plot, but not enough of me really cares enough to start. Ugh! planning. I just want it to happen, i don't want to make it happen. That's not good.

Hmmmph. I should figure this out. I'm excited to see where God takes me, too. Cause i already feel like these past years so much was mapped out and set for me to do, and so much growing happened over these years; college, well it's something i insist on finishing, and i feel like it's a lot more time for God to work on me, even whilst I accomplish this crazy, insane, STRESSFUL obstacle course. College is a giant obstacle course of no sleep and a lot of work.

... but i miss it? ...

I confuse myself. A lot. I think a big part of my urge (that one goes out to Sara) to get on with the rest of my life came from my realization the other day that I can't do this forever. I can't be a barista forever, i've already done it for a year and 3 months...it's already a lot. And i love my job, i really do. I'm just interested in seeing where I can go with Photography. What i can do and see and experience. I think it's an field that can help me see the world. I'd be perfectly content making coffee table books for the rest of my life. Rome, Spain,...Canada; all of it. Any of it. Except Antarctica, i have absolutely no desire to go there.

I want to see people too. That's why i'm considering photojournalism. I like that style and technique. I love people! I don't like a lot of people, but i like watching and studying people. Our behaviors and habits are interesting. I'm even excited to meet new people, i'm never excited to meet new people.

That's one of the things that excites me so much about traveling; the idea that there are 6 billion people in the world. When you live in a country that is so enamored with itself, in a town of the same 87,000 people...now don't get me wrong, that's a lot of people right there. But that means there's billions out there yet to meet. Yet to discover. That's a crazy idea to me! It's almost as if i don't believe they exist. Never leaving my country, barely ever leaving my state anymore (BORE ME), i'm ready to see it all with my own two eyes. Drink in the beauty of this world.

In conclusion, (to use a little transition from comp class,) i have that sort of light hearted feeling and trust in God right now. I have a lot of ideas about the rest of my life, but it's all so up in the air right now and i'm really okay with that. I'm really okay with not knowing everything is happening a certain way. I'm okay with having had ...oh, i don't know approximately 9 different plans as to the next 3 years of my life, which i then flaked out on. God's got it figured out, and i can deal with waiting for his surprises.

You Don't Get It

I think,
That you don't get it,
And I think,
I might regret it,
But who knows,
Anything but me and you,
Oh, we do,
But I think,
That maybe you don't understand,
And I know,
That since he didn't take my hand,
Things were ruined,
For me and you,
Waiting to collapse,
And break in two,
Part of me,
Wants to go back,
The other knows you're better to lack,
But I never cease to wonder,
How you have a storm with no thunder,
With the lack of a connection,
Can you really call it the right direction,
When there's nowhere to go,
And the weaknesses start to show,
What will be the final break,
And how enormous of a wake,
How much of this can you take,
How much of your life can you fake,
When everyone starts to see the lies,
Tears form in your eyes,
But no one cares anymore,
It could've been done long before,
Saved some heartache and some pain,
What, in the end,
Would you say is your gain?

That was when I ruled the world

I'm enjoying some new coldplay, and I like. I'm still a little weary just because they could totally sell out and tons of other people like them as is, not to mention I frequently buy CDs and hate them. Hence I usually get burned copies from my friends, it's cheaper. So i just hope it doesn't suck.

I apparently don't have a lot of thoughts to voice on the world in its current state...other than of course the music situation. So far I approve of Death Cab's new one. We'll see. The world does, indeed have potential in my eyes.

Dust

Things,
Are easy to say,
When it's not to your face,
Embrace and erase,
All that we had,
It's making me sad,
Was it all just a fad,
Just phase,
That I'm hoping stays,
A while more,
Than it did before,
And the calm,
As I rest my head in my palm,
The choice,
To use my voice,
My heart takes a stand,
As you take my hand,
And we run into the sun,
Chasing the fun,
That was once in our grips,
The tie that we had,
No longer rips,
But it strips my soul,
I loose all control,
I wish I could see,
What plagues me,
In all that I do,
I can't stop wanting you,
And now,
I feel like my world is spinning,
And I can feel the doubt winning,
Over the hope that I had in my heart,
The hope that's been warring away from the start,
Challenging me to not see yet believe,
Slowly into my heart it'd start to weave,
Telling me to wish for my dreams,
Though now they are but dust so it seems,
When words can't be trusted,
And all we know has rusted,
What can change to make it anew,
Recreate it like we want to,
In these dark and aching days,
Some would say hope pays,
But we are still lost and all at a cost,
That's too high for us,
So we turn back to dust.

You Were Always Warm

You were always warm,
I saw hope in you,
When I'd look in your eyes,
I lost faith in you,
When you fell for the lies;

You had a glow,
From your heart,
That showed on your face,
And every time you looked my way,
I told my heart to keep its pace;

You were always warm,
And when your arms were wrapped around me,
Time stood still,
Our lungs would deflate,
And then again fill,
Encased in a gesture,
I needed, -
I miss;

You were always warm,
I felt safe beside you,
I wish I never had to divide you,
Cause I can't feel your warmth,
When you're not beside me,
And I can't feel my heart,
Since you denied me,
I tried and tried,
But I never cried,
As much as it pained,
The tears refrained,
From falling,
Falling from the heart of my eyes,
Falling heavily from the size,
Of the ache at my core,
When I remember what you wore,
And feel it all again,
Come crashing...all again;

You were always warm,
At the end of the day,
You were always there,
Begging me to stay,
When the moon had already laid down to sleep,
And these of course,
Are the memories that I keep,
Locked away to remember some day,
When I can look back and fondly say,
"You were always warm".

Ahhh . . . life is beautiful!

Life is kinda okay right now...it took, what 2 and a half days out of school. Ha! I'm just looking forward to the future and things it holds; the mystery. At the same time as i'm scared to death of it. It's kind of the fact that I'm done with high school sinking in. Life is like - well, i was going to use an overly cheesy cliche here, but decided against it; let's just say it's all undecided [by anyone on this earth anyways] at this point.

I'm listening to the song that my sister and her husband first danced to as a married couple, and it's such a sweet song, it definitely makes me think of them! To be blessed with a love like their's, that's something i hope to see in my future. Who would've known a simple browsing on craig's list would lead a girl to the love of her life?

I'm just kind of in that really oddly happy optimistic mood...the one i used to always be in. It's hard to be a generally happy person, the pessimists of the world drag you down. It's funny cause it feels foreign mostly because i know we're not meant to feel that way. I mean, let's be real about this with all the crazy stuff that goes down in the world, it can be hard to put a smile on sometimes. I've just always been that type of person, i guess. The type that is generally really happy all the time, i can't help myself i guess.

I look forward to traveling the world! Ugh! So much!! I cannot wait, sometimes i just feel like my world is getting a little too small and i'd like to go out there and see for myself that billions of other people do exist. It's not that i don't believe it, i just want to go somewhere that i don't know a soul, and meet some people. It's not that whole starting over thing per say, i'm okay with who i am, it's more experiencing people. I really do like to experience people, although i've been getting more burnt out on it lately. I mean, i love people, but there are still some that get under my skin.

I think it's because i loose sight of empathy for people who are missing something in their lives that they have to be mean or rude to someone they don't even know. I just don't understand that mentality at all, i don't really understand being rude to someone out of the blue.

So that's why i want to go to Paris and to Ireland and to Greece; i want to see who else is out there and what else. I want to see how people act and what they're like. I won't lie, i really want to see sights too! Haha, the Eiffel Tower and the green rolling Irisih hills; can't pass that up.

It seems like now i'm free, not that i have any clue what i REALLY plan to do with that freedom, for now it's just a nice feeling.

I also am looking forward to learning knew things. I'm all about experiencing life and new aspects of it. I like getting introspective and learning about people and coming to new discoveries. All of it, i guess i just really enjoy life! And i can't wait to enjoy it some more.