The Split Path

Man, it really blows to wake up every day feeling like shit.  I didn't feel this way in depression for some time...  I feel numb, hollow, and achy all at the same time.  The actual thought of him never being in my life again is unreal.  I swear it feels like my chest – my heart actually aches. 

Then I go back, always the same, to wondering how in the hell would I ever do this again?  In the past, I wanted to want to marry someone, just because we were together.  Now, I wanted to be with and build a life with him, I began seeing the way we were in each others' lives as beginning to build a shared life.  I saw someone I trusted to share well in life's challenges, who gave me comfort and support and laughter, who shined a light on my dark days. 

There are many reasons and yet no clear one as to why we are not anymore.  Maybe that makes it hardest of all.  He was there and present, loving me so well, I never thought there was a major plot twist coming.  It's like all my systems cannot process the change in course. 

And I believe that love stays.  I value the trust that I've earned, the person who I love...I just don't know my place, anymore.  The one that he wants, not whatever one he thinks I should have.  

My damn heart keeps hoping.  I'm so rooted in my gut, that I can't go in the direction of "shoulds".  It's like I have to follow through, to the end of the path, or the fork, whichever it may be, to believe against her.  It's not that she's never been wrong, that inner voice, it's that too many times I've doubted her and messed things up. 

It does feel like I'm at a fork, and either path appears treacherous.  There is no way without pain.  I've sat here a few days.  I'd started down one, but something didn't feel right.  Maybe I'll just never learn how to not be loyal to a fault.  I've tried before and it wasn't less painful, nor did it evidence being "right". 

I suppose that's kind of how my gut-inner-voice works though.  I'll sit here, at the split path, until she tells me the way.  And I'll do my best to trust her, – and if she's wrong, I'll double back.  But either way there is pain. 

The Real Thing

I've been feeling like there's a strong juxtaposition from intentional dating and online dating, but I haven't been able to put my finger on it but it sort of just dawned on me in twofold:

I recently went out on a few dates with a guy, we'll call him Andre. Throughout the dates, there were things I didn't like but was trying to be open-minded and go-with-the-flow. After all, the most recurrent unsolicited dating advice I get is to not be so picky (which to me sounds a lot like lowering your standards or expectations, or turning off that little voice in your head that's skeptical). It's not like it wasn't enjoyable to spend time with him, but it wasn't enthralling like the beginning of either of my two relationships. I had moments of not fully liking my time with Andre; he was alright, but underwhelmed me. For having these qualities that interested me, much of the rest of him didn't, and some things even turned me off of him. That probably sounds harsh, but it just wasn't there and I wish I hadn't ignored it when I sensed it.

And therein lies the problem: it seems in online dating I have to let my guard down more because my gut tells me that certain things are yellow flags, which is not very open-minded. When really, I think I've let other people's advice get in my head too much. If it were up to just me, I'd trust my gut, which was usually telling me the right things in hindsight. And truthfully, it is up to just me. It's not anyone else's call, because it's not theirs to live with. For instance, with Coffee Shop Guy, had I better listened to my intuition, I could've avoided some things that were detrimental to our relationship. If I had been better attuned to myself...

Then it's that there's something about just noticing someone in life that works better for me. Online seems to be more about curating, or forcing something to be interesting because you should, if you want it to be successful. And it seems because there are all these options out there, one should be able to find tons of suitable people to date. The reality is that it's rare to find someone you feel intrigued by, turned on by, and excited to be with, and for it to be mutual. It's not like opening an app suddenly presents a huge selection of potentially dreamy, magnetic lovers ripe for the taking. But that's the illusion, which adds a pressure to the process and the act of swiping.

Frequenting an establishment and noticing someone, the way their face looks when they think or how their eyes sparkle when they talk, or how they put on their jacket, – all the while wondering who is this human that's become irresistibly fascinating – found simply by existing in the same space. Or noticing someone who's been under your nose, who you've known for a decade without a clue you could be best friends and that they're quietly so very cool.

It's hard to expect someone's fish and football pictures combined with an extensive three sentence self-description to stir the same wild curiosity that can organically bubble up in you when crossing paths with another human in real life.

It's hard to beat the real thing.

Shapeshifter

I feel like what we were is morphing in memory, a shape shifter; sometimes something beautiful, sometimes something maddening. And my heart strings are woven through that object, slowly wearing down as it changes and moves and alters. Was it always this way? Maybe it was, and it was always fated to fray the strings and, eventually, inevitably disintegrate - though that part is yet to be proven. That is just my pessimistic prediction, as I emerge from the Dark, Dark Place, a little jaded.

The Law of Love

(April 14th Journal Excerpt)

...and the concept of a God that loves each of us so specifically, every little thing!

Sometimes I struggle a little because I can't fathom Him. That's also what keeps me coming back. there is nothing else like this, and it doesn't make any sense, but I know it. It's a reality in my life I can't deny. It's a paradox: I don't get Him, but I can't stop trying.

It just sort of rocked me extra hard today: a God that loves. All other gods and religion are for achieving peace or good karma, or upgrade in yet another life. None involve an omnipotent deity that loves; that humbled Himself to our level, not to judge upon himself to wipe our slate(s). But they all still acknowledge good and bad; or evil.

I love that I know that is reflected in me; that love God has for each individual just smacks me in the chest sometimes, knocks the wind out of me usually. A reflection that my nature tries to overshadow, and veil.

So even though I can't comprehend it fully, I know it. It's not unlike the concept of gravity; no, sorry - the law! it's like the law of gravity: we know it exists, and based on the fact that we don't float away to the moon we each personally know it, but it's a little hard to comprehend. So is the law of love.

And what a beautiful law!

Journal: August 19, 2011

An excerpt from the last entry of my latest journal, which I began in June 2010 and finished today:

"I can't help but wonder if someday I'll have a grand kid who's so fond of me, and loves writing that will read this scatterbrained chicken-scratch, over-hyphenated and rambling as it is, and he or she will cherish it, in a strange way.

There's something significantly more charming and sentimental, and just all-around beautiful about a book stuffed-silly with organic thoughts, scribbled out by-hand, generating with the dance of a pen.

It's what I love; sometimes it's rough, but sometimes it down right therapeutic; release for my mind from the tangled web of thoughts that so often make life seem so much more complex than it is when you put its simplicity down on paper. Writing is a concrete reminder of what life is really like. A chance to pull yourself out of the illusory world you've moved into. A chance to bring yourself back to the basics; back to reality, breaking things down to make sense out of them, often more easily than anticipated.

I've missed writing."