Onward

On the flip-side of the transition coin, I am really interested in what this time is about. I am intrigued by the coming months, and especially year of course.

This past sunday, the sermon was about generosity and giving, but in more than just the monetary form. Jeff (my pastor) talked about volunteering and trying different means of doing so, as a way to find your calling.

I don't necessarily feel like that was my experience at Mercy, but I learned a lot. And for a time of giving a lot of my time away, I felt really filled up. That was spring into summer.

Now I feel like it's a time to get filled up, without giving so much of myself. That sounds selfish, haha. But I almost feel like that's what it's about: me. For once. I mean, everyone slips into selfishness, I'm not saying I'm exempt from that, but rather I fight it and worry that I might be without realizing it. And that this is a time for me to grow.

Strange that I have such lofty feels about the time leading up to my trip.

My trip! I also got really excited for that; I've been getting really excited for it! I'm looking forward to Paris, of course, but really the whole thing. No matter how the experience is, and how "big" of an impact I make on anything or anyone, I know that for me it is going to be a life-changing experience. I was getting excited to see new things to photograph. To have new stories to tell. To have a new time in my life to look back on with that disgusting nostalgia I have for every time in my life.

I'm interested to see if this is what I'm cut out for, in two veins. You know, there's the whole gritty, dirty, difficult, traveler's diarrhea, being stared at, being vulnerable, praying for people, serving people when "out of water"...so much of that aspect. I'm pretty easy-going, so in reality the biggest thing I know will be hard for me is spiders. I digress.

Then there's the story-telling part. The seeing and bringing it back with me. Getting to tell people (if I can) what it's like in Vietnam now! Photographing other parts of the world. Meeting people. I get horribly attached to people as it is, I know I'll be leaving my heart all over the world...and crying a lot. Oh man, I'm gonna cry a lot. Haha, again, I digress.

There's so much to intrigue, I feel like this is way more my thing than going to school, getting a desk job, trying to reach the ambiguous top of some achievement ladder. To live and see, and be with people!

This energizes me; "learning" and education, do not. Onward.

It's a Struggle

Living in Bloomington. What is there ever to say? I feel bad when people ask me, like they always expect a better answer from suzy sunshine...that just can't be it.

Not living in Minneapolis. It's a strange struggle for me. That's really the only short way I've found to describe it. I feel displaced. This morning when I left for work, I had to plan what I would fill my afternoon with so I can go to small group. But I'm so tired, I don't think I'll last.

And it seems silly, because people that aren't from Minnesota or the Twin Cities consider Bloomington and Minneapolis synonymous, to me they are far from it.

It feels so empty, I wonder where all the cars are, when I'm driving around at midnight. I have to drive so far to get to everything; I don't even think about biking because I hate the idea of riding on the sidewalk.

I think I'm a city snob. It's official, who knew it would ever come to pass. I laugh about when I used to get lost and so frustrated in the city, and now I know my way around and can spot the suburbanites or out-of-towners. I come here and hesitate to leave.

It's so different, and stupid to try to explain. I see looks of misunderstanding and confusion as to why I could complain about it.

And so I say, it's a struggle.

Lines

Strain this chaos - turn it into light.
This is the very minute I'm aware I'm alive.
I'm doing cartwheels.
Something was bound to go right sometime.
I just keep hopin', that your heart opens.
I wanna hear you laugh like you really mean it.
Light up - as if you have a choice.
My tongue is lost, oh, I can't tell you.
Tell me that you'll open your eyes.
Care for you, I will.
When you're eyes meet mine I lose simple skills.
So just tell me today and take my hand, please take my hand.
Maybe if I could see exactly what was in your way I'd move it for you.
Kiss me, kiss me, life is way too short to scream and shout.
You say you love me like the past the now the coming years.
So we'd make a good team right away.
We need to feel breathless with love.
One giant leap of faith is easy.
Learn to wear each other well.
My heart is bursting in your perfect eyes.
Just treat me like a stolen glance.
It's not as if I wanted to fall so hard for you.
If I lied you'd know it instantly.
But everything you said amazed me.
You seem friendly who are you?
No, I don't want to wait forever.
Your words in my memory.
I've got this feeling that there's something that I missed.
Its been minutes Its been days.
I need your grace to remind me to find my own.
If it looks like it works and it feels like it works - then it works.
It's all for you.

This New Season

My life is so not what I thought it would be three years ago, when I was stupid and 17. I haven't photographed in probably a month (though I'm more inspired to with fall). I try to follow AP style when I'm blogging. I STILL haven't finished college. I'm living at home. My car is ugly. My friends are morphing and coming and going even quicker than they did in high school.

So much is not at all what I expected, or wanted for that matter. But a lot of that is okay. There are things I wanted for myself when I was 16 or 17, that I now know are better for me not to have had.

Now my path is forking, and taking a longer, more scenic route, though maybe the road not as smooth...okay, enough pathway metaphor. The point being, I never thought I'd take time off school, or that I'd do bad. Let's just be real about this, the journalism program and I did not get along.

In one year's time, I've lived in 4 different places. I have moved that many times. Yuck.

That's something I've realized in the short two weeks that it's been I've been at home again: this is a season of dying to myself. A season of struggle. Granted, I'm two weeks in, so I can't say that for sure, but this is the feeling I have for it. Almost prophetically, that I will struggle with a lot of things, deciding to let them go.

I already miss living in minneapolis, it's my home now. I feel so far away from everything. So secluded. SPACE! I hold up in my room because I swear I was becoming an introvert. And now it seems like my dad is popping into whatever room I'm in, turning on a light or tv or radio and leaving - for atmosphere. I feel like my bedroom is a hotel, it's too fancy, and there's not enough room for my crap.

Polar opposite from the last season I was in, Affirmation. That was a great season.

On the upside, I feel like it's a time to rebuild, to de-stress (in some areas of my life), and to develop. Kind of like it's a season for me. I know I'm going to learn a lot, what about? No clue. I just have a sense that this is going to be really different.

I hope there's some good in it. I definitely feel the good too.

Je Devrais Apprendre

J'espere qu'ecriver en francais, mais sans accents parce que je ne sais pas comment on les utilise sur l'ordinateur.

J'ai pense l'autre jour que j'ai une grande vocabularie francais, mais il y a encore des mots qui je ne connais pas. Mais alors, j'ai decide de essayer d'ecriver un fois en francais, - avec le francais que je sais.

Ma vocabularie est bien pour une americaine, mais il y a beaucoup, beaucoup des mots dans une langue. Quelquefois je pense qu'il y a plus mots que j'apprendrai. (Pour un moment, j'ai oublie l'elision.)

Le chose amusement est la difficulte de parler francais avec les natifs de france. C'est plus facile de parler francais avec quelqu'un qui ne comprends francais. C'est plus facile d'ecriver francais a vous, parce que la plupart ne connaissent pas le francais. Je vous impressionne, peut-etre.

Vraiment, c'est impressionnant que la tete peut absorber plus information de langues et il peut communiquer avec le langue savant.

Je pense que ma francais ne peut pas tres mal, mais quand je peux faire choses comme ca, - c'est plus facile de parler francais en moment. C'est tres intimidant.

Alors, c'est quelque chose que je devrais apprendre.

What I Want From You

Wish I could figure out what I want from you,
Though nothing for myself,
Cause I know better,

Thought you took all you wanted from me,
Cause you walked away,
Before sauntering back,

All things forgiven -
Are all things forgiven?
I'm sure this doesn't make much sense to you,
But your sense never lined up well with reality,
Wish I could see what you want from me,
My eyes clouded by a past not set free,
An anger that covers a hurt that still hovers,
Somewhere in me,
Deep,
A haze over all the memories of you that I keep,

I only wish I could get what I want from you,
But it's something for myself,
So I know better.