Every time I try to spell this dang word, my fingers type "absense" first...and now I am only encouraging them!
I thought about it, and how often when given two choices, does one choose the scarier, more difficult one? So maybe that means more excitement, or more activity, or more...something than the easy route.
This is how I make decisions, I justify them to myself. There's never a black and white to me, but it's not gray either; everything's in color. What the heck color is THE color? I'm running away with my bad metaphor again...My point was, there's no definitive right choice, it seems; there's just two. Sometimes more. One gives one set of results, and the other, a different set. So I make choices by justifying the one I'm leaning towards.
This time, I decided to do it differently. Justify the one I'm straying from.
When I was in Denver at the conference, someone talked about how there's always an attractive alternative that will appear much easier than your potentially better path. They said to be aware of that, try and notice it.
School was that. Just go, be stressed the whole semester, save less money, take out more loans, stay in Minneapolis, don't have to commute...sounded pretty good to me. So I said no. It definitely took me a while, but here I am.
Bloomington. Commuting. Rent-free. Free food. Mom. Dog. AC. Driving. 5AM. Traffic. Saving. NO SCHOOL!
Year Leave of Absense.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Stasuses that weren't
I came across a lot these in my phone that I thought, why not post em in one...I say/think some ridiculous things:
December 12, 2009
My only retort to people who say that 90's babies make them feel old is to call them old (because I think it's absurd).
December 21, 2009
My legs feel like they might buckle with each gust of wind - poem line? or legit thought?
December 28, 2009
Can't be angry with the winter sun, it's better to have some than to have none.
January 1, 2010
I'd dye my hair bright red if I lived in Amsterdam
January 3, 2010
Love the chaos that ensues when my whole family is in one room talking at the same time...that and the shared sentiments about being a Losier that only we know.
January 11, 2010
There's a fine line between young confidence, and naivete.
January 17, 2010
"It's my 4th vodka drink, but I had some cereal before." - Joe
January 24, 2010
"Curbs are just suggestions." - Sara
February 27, 2010
I'm stuttering journlalism...hmm, gotta work on that.
April 4, 2010
Theory on the f-bomb: competent communicators don't need it; angry people do.
April 18, 2010
You have a perfect face.
May 6, 2010
I feel like college turned out to be this big joke I tried to play on myself...
The reality is that it's not as simple as "you're almost done" or some meaningless slogan such as, "just do it".
May 12, 2010
One truth from this awful movie: if a guy acts like he doesn't give a crap about you, he doesn't.
May 21, 2010
You know when crappy friends leave it sucks, but when new friends that you know are great people leave, it sucks too.
May 22, 2010
Sometimes i think i loose my train of thought cause I'm boring myself.
June 6, 2010
Krista: "does he have to speak french?"
Me: "No, cause then I'll just speak french, and he'll be like, 'That's hot', and I'll be like, 'I know'."
June 30, 2010
Am i really one of those naive young writers who has their hopes set on writing the next great american tale?
July 15, 2010
I like to tease a lot. Does that make me a tease? Sure hope not!
July 23, 2010
My "type" made me want to punch someone in the face today.
August 18, 2010
I'm kinda one of those people who puts their hand back in the fire...
December 12, 2009
My only retort to people who say that 90's babies make them feel old is to call them old (because I think it's absurd).
December 21, 2009
My legs feel like they might buckle with each gust of wind - poem line? or legit thought?
December 28, 2009
Can't be angry with the winter sun, it's better to have some than to have none.
January 1, 2010
I'd dye my hair bright red if I lived in Amsterdam
January 3, 2010
Love the chaos that ensues when my whole family is in one room talking at the same time...that and the shared sentiments about being a Losier that only we know.
January 11, 2010
There's a fine line between young confidence, and naivete.
January 17, 2010
"It's my 4th vodka drink, but I had some cereal before." - Joe
January 24, 2010
"Curbs are just suggestions." - Sara
February 27, 2010
I'm stuttering journlalism...hmm, gotta work on that.
April 4, 2010
Theory on the f-bomb: competent communicators don't need it; angry people do.
April 18, 2010
You have a perfect face.
May 6, 2010
I feel like college turned out to be this big joke I tried to play on myself...
The reality is that it's not as simple as "you're almost done" or some meaningless slogan such as, "just do it".
May 12, 2010
One truth from this awful movie: if a guy acts like he doesn't give a crap about you, he doesn't.
May 21, 2010
You know when crappy friends leave it sucks, but when new friends that you know are great people leave, it sucks too.
May 22, 2010
Sometimes i think i loose my train of thought cause I'm boring myself.
June 6, 2010
Krista: "does he have to speak french?"
Me: "No, cause then I'll just speak french, and he'll be like, 'That's hot', and I'll be like, 'I know'."
June 30, 2010
Am i really one of those naive young writers who has their hopes set on writing the next great american tale?
July 15, 2010
I like to tease a lot. Does that make me a tease? Sure hope not!
July 23, 2010
My "type" made me want to punch someone in the face today.
August 18, 2010
I'm kinda one of those people who puts their hand back in the fire...
The Same
This is basically working with a line I had written down a while back and hadn't touched. So it's a bit from reality, part experience part imagination. It's just about death, whether in the sense of someone being "dead to you" or actual death. I don't know which per say.
_________________________________________________
-THE SAME-
I feel the life is moving out of you,
It's got me so scared,
Paralyzed,
Don't know what,
To do,
Aimless tears stream down my face,
Now I know I'll never again love this place,
The same,
I feel the life moving out of you,
Fear's got me grounded,
Not a thing I can do,
But watch you change,
Into something strange,
Something foreign to me,
Yeah, you'll never be,
The same,
Don't feel,
Anything's the same,
As the life moves out of you,
Don't see,
Who's the one to blame,
As the life moves out of you,
Can't breathe,
Even your own name,
As the life moves out of you...
And I saw,
The life move out of you,
So I dropped every thought
I thought I knew,
And grasped to,
The memories I have of you,
And I feel,
The
Same.
_________________________________________________
-THE SAME-
I feel the life is moving out of you,
It's got me so scared,
Paralyzed,
Don't know what,
To do,
Aimless tears stream down my face,
Now I know I'll never again love this place,
The same,
I feel the life moving out of you,
Fear's got me grounded,
Not a thing I can do,
But watch you change,
Into something strange,
Something foreign to me,
Yeah, you'll never be,
The same,
Don't feel,
Anything's the same,
As the life moves out of you,
Don't see,
Who's the one to blame,
As the life moves out of you,
Can't breathe,
Even your own name,
As the life moves out of you...
And I saw,
The life move out of you,
So I dropped every thought
I thought I knew,
And grasped to,
The memories I have of you,
And I feel,
The
Same.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Just Breathe
For so many months, I have been so sure that YWAM and this upcoming mission trip is something I want to do. And it still is something I want to do, it's just that only now is the reality of being gone for months on end setting in. I already know I'm missing out on two huge life events of friends while I'm gone!
I started to panic the other day, because so many people I know are going back to school. Everyone is going or going back, and I am not. That's really hard to swallow.
I love the U, I love going there, I love being there.I have SO wanted to live in Minneapolis in the fall, which I've managed not to do yet. I even love it here in the winter. I'd take late fall early winter! Anything! The lack of school, is the biggest lack of anything being for sure that I've ever faced in my life!
The ambiguity of what this time will be like, is scary! I've felt really at peace, til I realized, I need to drop my classes if I'm not going, and commit if I am! I was torn, I had to feel it out, and now I'm scared. I've made my choice, but it's a total leap of faith. Post-poning.
Because at the same time that I look forward to not thinking about school for a while, hitting pause in the 7th inning stretch seems completely crazy (did that metaphor work? I sorta pictured Tivo...I guess).
I find myself thinking, "This better be good," because I feel crazy. I guess that's a good thing, because a lot of times I do crazy things, and I'm fine with it. I'll know it is, but I'm okay with it. But here I find myself, not sure just how crazy this is.
I panic with justifying a decision with "why not?". What am I doing?! Why not is not a justification, it's a lack of!
But why not? Lack of justification in either direction. I think that points me to my justification: my lack of direction. If that's not complicated, I don't know what is.
I started to panic the other day, because so many people I know are going back to school. Everyone is going or going back, and I am not. That's really hard to swallow.
I love the U, I love going there, I love being there.I have SO wanted to live in Minneapolis in the fall, which I've managed not to do yet. I even love it here in the winter. I'd take late fall early winter! Anything! The lack of school, is the biggest lack of anything being for sure that I've ever faced in my life!
The ambiguity of what this time will be like, is scary! I've felt really at peace, til I realized, I need to drop my classes if I'm not going, and commit if I am! I was torn, I had to feel it out, and now I'm scared. I've made my choice, but it's a total leap of faith. Post-poning.
Because at the same time that I look forward to not thinking about school for a while, hitting pause in the 7th inning stretch seems completely crazy (did that metaphor work? I sorta pictured Tivo...I guess).
I find myself thinking, "This better be good," because I feel crazy. I guess that's a good thing, because a lot of times I do crazy things, and I'm fine with it. I'll know it is, but I'm okay with it. But here I find myself, not sure just how crazy this is.
I panic with justifying a decision with "why not?". What am I doing?! Why not is not a justification, it's a lack of!
But why not? Lack of justification in either direction. I think that points me to my justification: my lack of direction. If that's not complicated, I don't know what is.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
A Heart That Big
I didn't take you for one with a heart that big,
And feet loose enough to follow me,
So far with what I've come to see,
I find myself still surprised,
And never my reason so compromised,
Try not to wrap my head around it,
Because I usually try,
And the space between two people,
Is usually cunning and so sly,
Though I can't help but wonder,
How beautiful you must love,
And is it the same life we are dreaming of?
And feet loose enough to follow me,
So far with what I've come to see,
I find myself still surprised,
And never my reason so compromised,
Try not to wrap my head around it,
Because I usually try,
And the space between two people,
Is usually cunning and so sly,
Though I can't help but wonder,
How beautiful you must love,
And is it the same life we are dreaming of?
Sunday, August 08, 2010
"Christians" - Matt 22:39
Something has just been on my mind recently, and my heart as really been affected by it in the past.
Christians are so quick to call themselves that and to proclaim they "love" Jesus, and hey, I'm not to be the judge of that, but Someone else is, and knows the truth behind that in each heart.
I have had several people who were really important to me in my life, that I loved and trusted, who broke my heart, and did things with malicious intent, yet they call themselves followers of Jesus. I'm sorry, I don't remember that part of the bible where Jesus laughed at godless person losing their job. Or where he broke off a relationship without so much as a good explanation or an attempt to make it work out of love. What version of the bible are these people reading?
These are people who say they love Jesus...or at least it's on their facebook profile. And they join as many groups as they can about it. They go on "outreaches"...
I'd love to know, how does one bring people to Christ with attitudes like that. With a lack of love for your fellow person!
I'm sickened and disturbed! It really bothers me that if I call myself a christian, that name is tainted by people like the ones that have hurt me in my life. If I hadn't been raised christian and had a foundation on the bible, I don't think I'd be one on account of 2 of the people I'm thinking of. That's pretty strong.
I think all the time, I'd love just to know that God brought one person to Him using me as an instrument. That'd make my life worthwhile in my eyes...but to drive someone away because you claim the heart of God but don't even close to live it out? Wow.
The part that bothers me is they don't know. There are no words that I can say to convince them, because they are self-righteous. They think because someone's hurt them, it gives them a right to laugh at pain their life. It really saddens me that there are "christians" like that, running loose out there, corrupting the world, when...
The greatest commandments are first to love the Lord and second to love others. What kind of love is their in rejoicing in someone getting fired? None. But it's okay, she forgave me. So I guess we're all squared away then, eh?
Christians are so quick to call themselves that and to proclaim they "love" Jesus, and hey, I'm not to be the judge of that, but Someone else is, and knows the truth behind that in each heart.
I have had several people who were really important to me in my life, that I loved and trusted, who broke my heart, and did things with malicious intent, yet they call themselves followers of Jesus. I'm sorry, I don't remember that part of the bible where Jesus laughed at godless person losing their job. Or where he broke off a relationship without so much as a good explanation or an attempt to make it work out of love. What version of the bible are these people reading?
These are people who say they love Jesus...or at least it's on their facebook profile. And they join as many groups as they can about it. They go on "outreaches"...
I'd love to know, how does one bring people to Christ with attitudes like that. With a lack of love for your fellow person!
I'm sickened and disturbed! It really bothers me that if I call myself a christian, that name is tainted by people like the ones that have hurt me in my life. If I hadn't been raised christian and had a foundation on the bible, I don't think I'd be one on account of 2 of the people I'm thinking of. That's pretty strong.
I think all the time, I'd love just to know that God brought one person to Him using me as an instrument. That'd make my life worthwhile in my eyes...but to drive someone away because you claim the heart of God but don't even close to live it out? Wow.
The part that bothers me is they don't know. There are no words that I can say to convince them, because they are self-righteous. They think because someone's hurt them, it gives them a right to laugh at pain their life. It really saddens me that there are "christians" like that, running loose out there, corrupting the world, when...
The greatest commandments are first to love the Lord and second to love others. What kind of love is their in rejoicing in someone getting fired? None. But it's okay, she forgave me. So I guess we're all squared away then, eh?
Friday, August 06, 2010
Working My Way Up
It's really interesting, I've been looking back on a time in my life that I've been somewhat nostalgic for; a time that had a lot of positive memories but also some really rough times. And after time passed, I had been able to block out the crap, and keep the positives; hence, I was nostalgic for it. It's funny then when something happens to make me realize how thankful I am that it's a part of my past.
I'm thinking of a job I had when I was 16. Caribou Coffee. A bunch of teenage girls, catsy-bull...I absolutely loved that job, but the teen girl politics made it miserable. It made me realize that a good friend I had, wasn't a good friend.
But in the end, it's not a sad thing, because I was just sobered up by a recent incident. I was reminded that, though yes there were great parts of that time in my life, there was a definite equal - no, exceeding amount of hardship. I mean, 16 year old hardship. College was easy, my job was difficult...ha, at 16. Now, I have a job that I love even more, and the hard stuff is a busy morning that kicks my ass. There's none of the drama that went with the stupid #146 store.
I found out the other day, it still plagues that place. It made me feel a little bad for the people involved, and also really thankful for my drama free job.
Cheers to one of the top 10 best places to work! and the best co-workers.
I'm thinking of a job I had when I was 16. Caribou Coffee. A bunch of teenage girls, catsy-bull...I absolutely loved that job, but the teen girl politics made it miserable. It made me realize that a good friend I had, wasn't a good friend.
But in the end, it's not a sad thing, because I was just sobered up by a recent incident. I was reminded that, though yes there were great parts of that time in my life, there was a definite equal - no, exceeding amount of hardship. I mean, 16 year old hardship. College was easy, my job was difficult...ha, at 16. Now, I have a job that I love even more, and the hard stuff is a busy morning that kicks my ass. There's none of the drama that went with the stupid #146 store.
I found out the other day, it still plagues that place. It made me feel a little bad for the people involved, and also really thankful for my drama free job.
Cheers to one of the top 10 best places to work! and the best co-workers.
Hodge Podge
Why is it that I get sucked into school-supply shopping while the prices are still good, when I'm not even going to school in the fall! I had to talk myself out of post-it notes.
I think I just cheered myself up. I had a horrible morning, but I'm here on blocking it out.
Super Target doesn't sell english muffins. What the crap? The one thing I really wanted at the store. No english muffins.
My nose is itchy. I think one of two things: that whole "someone's thinking about you" thing is true, or I'm allergic to the Mango Naked juice I LOVE. Hope someone's thinkin' bout me...cause I love Naked Mango.
Today I was driving to Bros after my shift (i'm here right now, abusing internetz) and I thought I saw a shirtless hipster biking along central, the closer I got I realized it was a women in a nude-colored tank...haha. Ooooooh, hipsters.
I am a part time hipster. That's what I decided. I cheat, but I kinda don't care. I don't like buying used jeans. Something weird about that. But I love weird, old shirts. And hats.
Fall, I can't wait til fall! But am also trying not to think about it because I hate the prospect of moving home. Moving to Bloomington rather. Not thinking about it.
Know else I'm not thinking about?...Hahaha. Whenever I tell my mom stories about a guy, after a certain point, because she knows me well, she can tell. This time first she asked, "Does he like you?" I don't know. "Do you like him?" Maybe. He's cute AND nice, how could I not? Of course I might. Crap mom. Whenever my mom (or Sara) thinks I like someone...I'm a goner, if I wasn't already.
Hmm, I'm off to the beach to get burnt again and not think about things. Har har.
I think I just cheered myself up. I had a horrible morning, but I'm here on blocking it out.
Super Target doesn't sell english muffins. What the crap? The one thing I really wanted at the store. No english muffins.
My nose is itchy. I think one of two things: that whole "someone's thinking about you" thing is true, or I'm allergic to the Mango Naked juice I LOVE. Hope someone's thinkin' bout me...cause I love Naked Mango.
Today I was driving to Bros after my shift (i'm here right now, abusing internetz) and I thought I saw a shirtless hipster biking along central, the closer I got I realized it was a women in a nude-colored tank...haha. Ooooooh, hipsters.
I am a part time hipster. That's what I decided. I cheat, but I kinda don't care. I don't like buying used jeans. Something weird about that. But I love weird, old shirts. And hats.
Fall, I can't wait til fall! But am also trying not to think about it because I hate the prospect of moving home. Moving to Bloomington rather. Not thinking about it.
Know else I'm not thinking about?...Hahaha. Whenever I tell my mom stories about a guy, after a certain point, because she knows me well, she can tell. This time first she asked, "Does he like you?" I don't know. "Do you like him?" Maybe. He's cute AND nice, how could I not? Of course I might. Crap mom. Whenever my mom (or Sara) thinks I like someone...I'm a goner, if I wasn't already.
Hmm, I'm off to the beach to get burnt again and not think about things. Har har.
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