For so many months, I have been so sure that YWAM and this upcoming mission trip is something I want to do. And it still is something I want to do, it's just that only now is the reality of being gone for months on end setting in. I already know I'm missing out on two huge life events of friends while I'm gone!
I started to panic the other day, because so many people I know are going back to school. Everyone is going or going back, and I am not. That's really hard to swallow.
I love the U, I love going there, I love being there.I have SO wanted to live in Minneapolis in the fall, which I've managed not to do yet. I even love it here in the winter. I'd take late fall early winter! Anything! The lack of school, is the biggest lack of anything being for sure that I've ever faced in my life!
The ambiguity of what this time will be like, is scary! I've felt really at peace, til I realized, I need to drop my classes if I'm not going, and commit if I am! I was torn, I had to feel it out, and now I'm scared. I've made my choice, but it's a total leap of faith. Post-poning.
Because at the same time that I look forward to not thinking about school for a while, hitting pause in the 7th inning stretch seems completely crazy (did that metaphor work? I sorta pictured Tivo...I guess).
I find myself thinking, "This better be good," because I feel crazy. I guess that's a good thing, because a lot of times I do crazy things, and I'm fine with it. I'll know it is, but I'm okay with it. But here I find myself, not sure just how crazy this is.
I panic with justifying a decision with "why not?". What am I doing?! Why not is not a justification, it's a lack of!
But why not? Lack of justification in either direction. I think that points me to my justification: my lack of direction. If that's not complicated, I don't know what is.
