Losing Time

I'm losing time, 

The more I hold on, 

The more I feel like I'm already gone, 

Days fly by, 

 Even minutes and hours, 

With each that passes, 

This life sours, I can feel it rot all around me, 

Reminders of mortality and death surround me, 

The fears and doubts continuously pound me, 

Can nothing happen anymore to astound me? 

I look straight into a blue sky, 

And all I can do is wonder why, 

What does it matter, 

If a life begins to shatter, 

If a heart proceeds to break, 

Will it even leave a wake? 

If it all were to crumble, 

Who would hear the echoing rumble? 

We'll all be lost to it someday, 

What then will we have to say, 

What then will mean each day, 

Each hour, 

Each minute, 

What value then will be in it?

I miss college?

Have I mentioned lately how excited I am to start the rest of my life? Like, now. I'm even excited for the next semester at Normandale. NORMANDALE! I just want to get on with, having things to do and being busy. I don't like summer unless every minute is filled with something interesting and i can't always think of interesting things to do...and i can't get the hours i want at work to fill some of this boring time.

I really want to go to Paris in the spring (which i'm putting off so much that I think now it might not happen) and i'm excited to go to the U of M after that. I'm excited to be completely lost in life once i get done with school. "Done with school". I might cry when i hear those words. I don't think i believe it for at least 2 years after i'm done. I feel like that phrase is a lie, i'll never be done. Just like i know i'll never make money. I mean, i'll make money, but the whole theory on having a college degree, in anything at all will translate into money...doubtful. I think it will translate into years of debt, and waiting until i'm 35 to buy a house.

Those are just the worries of my mind, never mind those for now.

Nevertheless, i'm excited to see where life goes. Graduating is like getting over a hill. I feel like i'm sitting at the bottom, which is also the bottom of another very large hill...that i'm avoiding plotting how to get over. I need to plot, but not enough of me really cares enough to start. Ugh! planning. I just want it to happen, i don't want to make it happen. That's not good.

Hmmmph. I should figure this out. I'm excited to see where God takes me, too. Cause i already feel like these past years so much was mapped out and set for me to do, and so much growing happened over these years; college, well it's something i insist on finishing, and i feel like it's a lot more time for God to work on me, even whilst I accomplish this crazy, insane, STRESSFUL obstacle course. College is a giant obstacle course of no sleep and a lot of work.

... but i miss it? ...

I confuse myself. A lot. I think a big part of my urge (that one goes out to Sara) to get on with the rest of my life came from my realization the other day that I can't do this forever. I can't be a barista forever, i've already done it for a year and 3 months...it's already a lot. And i love my job, i really do. I'm just interested in seeing where I can go with Photography. What i can do and see and experience. I think it's an field that can help me see the world. I'd be perfectly content making coffee table books for the rest of my life. Rome, Spain,...Canada; all of it. Any of it. Except Antarctica, i have absolutely no desire to go there.

I want to see people too. That's why i'm considering photojournalism. I like that style and technique. I love people! I don't like a lot of people, but i like watching and studying people. Our behaviors and habits are interesting. I'm even excited to meet new people, i'm never excited to meet new people.

That's one of the things that excites me so much about traveling; the idea that there are 6 billion people in the world. When you live in a country that is so enamored with itself, in a town of the same 87,000 people...now don't get me wrong, that's a lot of people right there. But that means there's billions out there yet to meet. Yet to discover. That's a crazy idea to me! It's almost as if i don't believe they exist. Never leaving my country, barely ever leaving my state anymore (BORE ME), i'm ready to see it all with my own two eyes. Drink in the beauty of this world.

In conclusion, (to use a little transition from comp class,) i have that sort of light hearted feeling and trust in God right now. I have a lot of ideas about the rest of my life, but it's all so up in the air right now and i'm really okay with that. I'm really okay with not knowing everything is happening a certain way. I'm okay with having had ...oh, i don't know approximately 9 different plans as to the next 3 years of my life, which i then flaked out on. God's got it figured out, and i can deal with waiting for his surprises.

You Don't Get It

I think,
That you don't get it,
And I think,
I might regret it,
But who knows,
Anything but me and you,
Oh, we do,
But I think,
That maybe you don't understand,
And I know,
That since he didn't take my hand,
Things were ruined,
For me and you,
Waiting to collapse,
And break in two,
Part of me,
Wants to go back,
The other knows you're better to lack,
But I never cease to wonder,
How you have a storm with no thunder,
With the lack of a connection,
Can you really call it the right direction,
When there's nowhere to go,
And the weaknesses start to show,
What will be the final break,
And how enormous of a wake,
How much of this can you take,
How much of your life can you fake,
When everyone starts to see the lies,
Tears form in your eyes,
But no one cares anymore,
It could've been done long before,
Saved some heartache and some pain,
What, in the end,
Would you say is your gain?

That was when I ruled the world

I'm enjoying some new coldplay, and I like. I'm still a little weary just because they could totally sell out and tons of other people like them as is, not to mention I frequently buy CDs and hate them. Hence I usually get burned copies from my friends, it's cheaper. So i just hope it doesn't suck.

I apparently don't have a lot of thoughts to voice on the world in its current state...other than of course the music situation. So far I approve of Death Cab's new one. We'll see. The world does, indeed have potential in my eyes.

Dust

Things,
Are easy to say,
When it's not to your face,
Embrace and erase,
All that we had,
It's making me sad,
Was it all just a fad,
Just phase,
That I'm hoping stays,
A while more,
Than it did before,
And the calm,
As I rest my head in my palm,
The choice,
To use my voice,
My heart takes a stand,
As you take my hand,
And we run into the sun,
Chasing the fun,
That was once in our grips,
The tie that we had,
No longer rips,
But it strips my soul,
I loose all control,
I wish I could see,
What plagues me,
In all that I do,
I can't stop wanting you,
And now,
I feel like my world is spinning,
And I can feel the doubt winning,
Over the hope that I had in my heart,
The hope that's been warring away from the start,
Challenging me to not see yet believe,
Slowly into my heart it'd start to weave,
Telling me to wish for my dreams,
Though now they are but dust so it seems,
When words can't be trusted,
And all we know has rusted,
What can change to make it anew,
Recreate it like we want to,
In these dark and aching days,
Some would say hope pays,
But we are still lost and all at a cost,
That's too high for us,
So we turn back to dust.