Mopey New Year's

A year ago I was sure this year would be better, as the previous one wasn't my favorite. This week, when I began to think about how I felt about 2014, in summation it also wasn't my favorite.

Usually I write some sort of "Year in Review" post about all the highlights, but I feel like this year just wasn't what I wanted it to be; my life wasn't what I wanted it to be. I didn't really live up to making it what I wanted to make it; doing what I wanted to. Some things yes, so I can't say it was an all-around failure, but I think I can say it was another tough year (then again, maybe its end is coloring it as a whole).

Maybe there were some lessons learned, or something to be gained - I don't even really know what. I feel a little like 2014 was the year of nothing. I have blinked and a whole year has gone by. Things I'd eagerly awaited came and went. Things unexpected came and went. Life was lived. In retrospect, it was sort of an underwhelming year. Which is more than was said for 2013, which I think I remember having been quite ready to be done with.

I suppose in some way that determines any possible new year's resolutions - which the only one I remember even having, I managed to maintain: no new TV shows for a year. I could have also been more intentional and so much closer with the Lord this year, but if it wasn't for some clear lessons in His steadfastness, I'd say I kind of completely blew that one. I did a lot of healthier things for a while, but also wasn't as healthy as I'd have liked to have been.

So it is in spite of the slight grump in my demeanor tonight that I close 2014, and again look forward in anticipation to what another year of life may hold. It is another time to begin afresh and so with even a glimmer of hope, may yours be one that is abundantly blessed, and new in as many ways!

Going Home Alone

If I haven't made it clear yet: I am real big into relationships. I always test extrovert. I used to never tire of company and think I could endlessly acquaint myself with people. Key phrase to note here is "used to".

This fall, I went through (or maybe am still on the exit of) a season of struggling, for lack of a more apt word. I felt like I couldn't really be around people. My well was run dry and where I would normally pack my time full of social activity and interaction, I secluded instead. Though it was out of character and I was aware of this foreign behavior, it never worried me. No, it wasn't that sort of seclusion. More the beat-down, worn-out person can't really do the whole be cheerful and engaged thing right now sort. So articulate, I know. I talk about it openly as I've felt like I am on the upswing. I think of it as having been a very strange season, but I also think I learned a lot and still am.

As I know I've written before, God and I have a lot of conversations and subsequent lessons on relationships. I love them, and they try me (which I know isn't specific to me). I am on a two-steps-forward, one-step-back journey of holding relationships open-handed (a phrase that's become Christian-ese to an extent, but is fitting.) There have been other times of being isolated, though unintentionally so, that were gray and painful. There have been relationships severed that have left me feeling broken. I have had to learn how to be with God when I have felt alone; how to be okay when He is the only one I have. That's still hard and I'm still learning, but I think it's good.

As a facet of this learning curve, and by some bizarre plot-twist, this autumn I learned to like to be alone in a way that often confused me. See, I used to hate it and while I'd still mostly rather be with someone than not, I don't loathe being by myself anymore. I value the time to process my day, or just let my mind rest and wander. I had never really thought I would enjoy being alone as much as I have learned to. Though it wasn't an especially enjoyable lesson, it is an important part of further growing up, for me.

My lessons aside, sometimes it is still incredibly difficult to go home alone. I don't mean that in any physical sense, or that of just "taking someone home" - rather, that it's one of the times when being single is the most potent. This was a night when that was difficult. Coming home with the simple desire to talk with someone who knows my story, knows my heart, and that I trust is rooting for me; a desire unquenched. It's a moment that it's hard not to be mad at God. "Yeah, yeah! I get it: lay down relationships, You're here for me - but right now, I just want someone tangible." And I don't mean the inane notion that another human will complete me. No. Companionship, partnership. Not unlike as children, when we returned home at the end of the day, someone was there to be on our side, ask about our day, seek to know our life. There's a comfort in that, and it's part of what makes it home. The lack thereof is what makes ending the day alone hard.

So for every coupled-off person who tells me to "enjoy being single," I can only retort: enjoy having a companion! Enjoy that you have someone to share a thought, that you have a partner in life, that when you lay your head down at night, it's next to someone else. Sure that has its challenges - it is two people in relationship - but I bet it sure beats the hell out of going it alone.

It Doesn't Last Long

It doesn't last long,

Anymore,

And no one is under a guise,

Of any sort.

You're more in love with your thoughts,

Than anything.

In your perceived inferiority,

Pride was the only thing that grew,

As if you thought it would save you,

- the irony.

I am always here,

But you are not,

You will always push,

And pull,

And twist and turn and ruin,

To break the box we've put you in,

So you think.

You've always been constantly on the brink,

Just out of sight and out of reach

From where you're meant to be,

But never would you let another help you to see,

It doesn't last long,

When for a while we get along,

Though I've taught my heart not to hurt,

Anymore.

My [Single] Trajectory

When I think about the trajectory of my life, as a single person the horizon is far and the options expansive. In some respects I don't think it would feel the same if I wasn't single. Maybe that's because I know myself in regards to relationships, or maybe because it's just a reality.

Important relationships require limitations - I think that's why as a self-indulgent culture, we are so bad at them. The idea that one should have to sacrifice because they value relationship with another is just asking too much! Of course there's the flip side of that coin, and we have all probably been in that position in a relationship as well. When a relationship is imbalanced, there is an inevitable tipping point at which the inability for both parties to participate in give-and-take sinks the ship, so to speak. When one is really important, it will likely require some sacrifice, some compromise. We can always hope that we will receive the same in return, but there are limitations.

For as much as I get baby-fever sometimes (in all honesty), and it would be nice to be intentionally doing life with a man, the thought also scares me sometimes. They are things I want - to be a wife and a mother - but I have to throw cold water on my idealism. Reality check: it's not going to be picture perfect. I already have a hard time taking care of myself and everything that adult life requires of me! Then to be someone's emotional support, further someone's literal physical and practical support! Sometimes I wonder if that will ever be possible. I am pretty motivated by relationship, but it doesn't completely squelch my desire for my own passions.

There are things I have thought about that I can really only do now because I am essentially "not tied down." I hate that phrase, because it makes being with someone sound so negative...but it serves its purpose, I suppose. It's one of those things that some really honest married people will tell you to appreciate about being single. "You can do whatever you want." I guess within reason. I still have to pay my bills, and my rent is a little more expensive than if I shared a room with someone...which I definitely cannot do unless I really, really like them. I digress.

There is a silver-lining or two to being single, I'll give the taken ones that, but freedom can sometimes be a little overwhelming. It's a wonder that for so many marriage and having children is such a shock to the system. To go from precious non-work hours spent doing what you need, then what you want, to nurturing highly important relationships! The game changes, and the stakes are higher.

I have been thinking a lot lately about what I want to do and where I want my life to go. I have the space and the ability to pursue what I want, as those decisions only directly affect me. I can chase my dreams, and the direction I'm headed can slightly shift, or shift drastically. Right now, the options seem endless. Each one requiring its own amount of planning and effort. Each one resulting in a different outcome that will change the path by leading to yet another opportunity. There are so many things I want to do in my lifetime, and I know the really worthwhile ones I have done so far have taken time. It's as if, to some extent those have been my important relationships. I guess what I am really getting at here is priorities.

So I question, what do I want to make my next priority?