The Two Sides

I have no thoughts in my brain these days, and I have a million thoughts in my brain these days. (It's basically as confusing and contradictory as that sentence.) Trying not to think about things too much, cause I've been getting really emotional when I just crack the surface of everything I'm leaving. My conscious, logical side has acknowledged the potential and inevitable difficulty of leaving, it just hasn't fully let this information pass to the emotional side.

Wow, do I sound off? Haha, it's true, I have these two strong parts of me that often battle. It's been good, the times when I have come to a realization. I know I need to get a little bit of this out of my system now so that I don't have a total emotional break down two weeks into Paris.

The logical side of me knows the emotional very well, and is questioning why I'm letting myself do this. Ha. I've thought that several times. I don't like to invest in people, and then walk away, - that which I feel I'll be doing when I leave; I've never been far away from my mother for any significant period of time; I must be crazy. I think that, and then immediately feel like, No. Though I'm sure this late-night rambling isn't making a great case for the "no"...my pragmatic side gets overwhelmed with all the realities, and then I just think, "But I'm doing it."

I'm sure other people feel this way, have felt this way in said sort of situation. I can't help but work this stuff out in a verbal format, or public format, if you will. In other words, I'm just being real here: I'm freaking out a bit, let some emotions hit, but holding some of it off so I can get on the plane and have an adventure.

Amelangeoffeelings

I miss my best friend. And my oldest sister seems set to not talk to me anymore. I feel totally unprepared to leave everything I know for six months. A customer wants to donate to my trip, - yay! I shouldn't have tried to tackle something that gets me so upset before bed - bring on the stress dreams again. I'm gonna miss my job, even though right now it's horribly boring, - it's comfortable and the people are mostly great. Change is weird; the clock moved, and the straws are on the other side, it messed up my groove. I have not bonded with my dog as much as I would've liked before I'm set to leave. My brain hurts. My throat is dry. Everyone seems far away except the people I've only established tight relationships with over the past couple months, - but I'm leaving them soon too. I think one of our biggest problems is thinking we're justified. Another is worrying about how other people "run" their lives. I had a good laugh at the fact that when I was around 10, I had a subscription to cat fancy. Life should be just fun, not people slinging hateful words at one another and building walls. Laughter is pure grace.

Mercy Vineyard!

Today, while sitting in church, probably about ten minutes into the sermon, it hit me: I am going to miss this place!

All of a sudden, I was just trying so hard not to cry. It didn't really work. Which I always wonder what people around must think, like "well, that point wasn't THAT moving."

Anyway, it hit me: I really really love it there. I have been so immensely blessed by that place, whether through individuals, or sundays, or small groups, or pre-schoolers! I love it. And the idea of six months away from it, smacked me in the face today. In the middle of church.

It is my perfect church. It's funny, because people say you will never find your perfect church, and every time I've heard that in oh, the last year and a half I've thought, pretty sure I did. For me.

For me, right now, and for the past two years, and I think when I come back, it is the perfect church. And six months will be really hard,...
but THANK GOD and Mercy volunteers/staff for podcasts!

Crazy? Give it a try!

I'm currently sitting alone in my living room, drinking a self-concocted brandy cocktail, under a blanky, listening to Bon Iver. Finally settling down.

FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN! Between the endorphins, the adrenaline, and the good company, I felt really happy and a little bit jazzed since I left. Haha! So fun.

Earlier today, I was thinking, you just kinda have to do things. The only way to live life, is to live it. If you want to do something, but you're not sure...why not? Like when people talk about moving away, or pursuing a dream of some kind, - why not?

My dream has been to go to Paris, live for a couple months. My dream has been to do a DTS. Both of these things scare me a bit...or a lot, but I'm doing them.

I was invited to go skiing today. I was really nervous I'd make a complete fool out of myself, but I also really wanted to go! I went, got over my fear, and had a total blast! I was right on both accounts: made a bit of a fool of myself, AND had lots of fun. Like every other day of my life.

I came to the conclusion that maybe things like that are crazy, but crazy people lead more interesting lives. So might as well be crazy, when opportunity knocks...

Extraordinary

"Extraordinary", meaning: beyond what is usual, ordinary, regular, or established.

While babysitting at my sister's place for her best friend, naturally I raided her bookshelf. Though in search for Blue Like Jazz, I came across another book I've sought after for some time: The Sun Also Rises. Thank God for the old what's-mine-is-yours family mentality, because I yoinked it (yoink is my new word, adopt it into your vocabulary).

So when I was done and went home, no one was there but my dog. She was so lonely she tweaked out a little. She followed me around begging my attention, and seeing as I'm leaving soon and going to miss her desperately, I played chase with her despite being tired.

Then I thought about watching a movie, but realized it would be a waste of my solitude. I settled on the love-seat by the bright colored-glow of the christmas tree, with a vitamin water and some pretzels. The dog laid on the floor next to the couch. I turned on MPR's classical station, and began to read Ernest Hemmingway's The Sun Also Rises. It begins set in Paris.

I listened to Mendelssohn, Beethoven, and Bach while actually enjoying a classic novel. The only thing missing was a glass of wine and button-less wrap around cardigan.

It was really nice, - not something I ever do, but I enjoyed it.

Why is it good?

What do I matter to you?
What difference does it make,
If I should give or take?
It's not just in my grain,
And I hope it's not in vain,

Why speak so freely to me,
And then walk away and let me be?
I wonder,
Do you mean to taunt and tease?
For it has left me at no ease,
And I'm toiling o'er this constantly,
Debating and estimating what I want it to be,
Trying to find what you want of me,
What this truly is, - I can't see,

Is it all for not?
Something here,
Just to be forgot?
Such an end I dread,
To try to forget all the things you've said,
To put you out of my heart and my mind,
To begin to search for another to find.

Commitment: 36 Days

I deposited a small boat-load of money to YWAM. So this is the commitment. I thought I was committed in you know, May...yesterday, I committed.

I was a little bit avoiding doing it, but the more practical, ignore your fears side of me got me to the bank before I could freak out. This sounds bad, but I'm just being honest here. I was scared, because that IS commitment! It gets a little harder to suddenly change my mind for whatever reason when I've got literal investment.

Yesterday it hit me, in 36 days I will be boarding a plane to go live somewhere not here...for six months. I couldn't think about it for too long because it'd probably floor me and I was at work but wow. It hasn't even really sunk in for me!

There is a bit of intrigue for me as far as what it will be like to move away from everything I am so comfortable with. There are things I'm definitely ready to part ways with for a while...but for the things I'm not, I know it will be a difficult but good experience for me.

And that's the thing, right now because it is really coming up and I have really committed, I'm thinking more about the leaving than anything else.

You know, it's funny the situations I put myself in; I am a horribly sentimental person, I get too attached too quickly, and I'm moving somewhere for three months, then traveling for three months, all the while leaving everything I've ever known! I feel crazy when I think about the trip, then I put myself as x in the equation...it's not even close to logical math. But I'm going to. In 36 days.

Friends are Family

I think I'm to the point in life, where friends become more like family than family are. If that really makes any sense. And that's not to say that it's that way for everyone, but it's something I kind of notice in others' lives too.

I still love my family, and really being related growing up through the same things with the same parents, etc. has a different connection than friends. But I've gone through some things with friends and felt supported by friends through things that I haven't felt as much with my family on. Family is still important, but friends become your people (to use a grey's anatomy phrase).

I've just been thinking of all the awesome friends I have! From those I see often, to those I get together with once and a while...I'm so blessed by them. I've been pondering this. And how much I'm going to miss them when I leave for YWAM. Don't forget about me!