Recently I was thinking about my adolescent self - who I was before I learned to make decisions without caring what people thought of me. In my mind, to myself, I refer to this as Eyeliner Alicia.
See, not long before high school, I started wearing makeup. I think the "rule" was not before 14. I was thankfully exiting my awkward stage, and transitioning to public school after my initial nine years in private grade school (not as glamorous as it sounds, believe me). Freshman year, I would style my hair every day, sometimes blow-drying it before straightening it. Me factoring an hour into my morning just for my hair! I would put on my makeup, usually during the bus ride to school. I felt plain, and somehow discovered that eyeliner made my eyes more dramatic and hence stand out. It became my staple; I felt naked without it, which only made sense because I was embarrassed of what was underneath: plain old me.
Now, I'll only clarify this once here: I don't say any of this to shame people who wear makeup or like doing their hair - rather to tell the story of how I grew out of it, I suppose. And make no mistake, it was only in recent years that I received the vote of confidence I needed to call it quits.
On some off day sans my usual face, a few of my family sat down to dinner together. My brother Shayne is not really one to dole out compliments or flattery, one might think that the idea wouldn't cross his mind as he only expresses the reality he beholds. Among the smattering of dinner conversation topics with a family of busy-minds, Shayne commented, "You look really nice, what are you doing different?" Not wearing any makeup...and I was sold! Granted, it took a while for people who saw me regularly to stop asking if I was feeling okay, but it was liberating to not have to worry what someone might think if they saw my real face.
Sometimes I think about how many consecutive days of my young life were spent wearing eyeliner; how many hours were totaled up applying the pristine stroke of black crayon under my lashes; how much stock was put in thinking that doing this would make others value me...
In reality that's what it came down to. I can't even say subconsciously because that's not true - if I'm honest with myself, for so long I was afraid of not putting on a face and I knew it. There's nothing inherently wrong with makeup (at least that's how I feel at this point in my life), but I don't like that my security was ever found in a daily work of art other than my natural self. It was wildly freeing for me to stop buying eyeliner - though, scary at first, I should add.
There's something about that piece of my life and the subsequent putting down of the pencil that I see as being a part of my understanding of self and growing in confidence. In my head, Eyeliner Alicia is the same one who was afraid to do so many of the things that I have done since I primarily gave up the ritual. She is the one who got walked on by people. She's the one who was afraid to speak up for herself...or in front of a crowd or even a group! She was the one who needed to know so much more firmly who she is, so as to move forward unshakably into bigger things than she'd imagined.
This evening, I saw a commercial for an anti-aging cream. The woman said she would embrace all that life would bring, except for wrinkles (she called them "frown lines"...okay...). I thought, whether it be baby-weight, age-spots, or laughter lines, I can't wait to embrace whatever life brings me, without pretending that I'm something I'm not.
