Oh November, you tricky devil! You snuck up on me! I had so much planned for November, but now that I think about it, something might have to go.
My brother is getting married in Bulgaria, the weekend of the 20th. Sadly, I'm too poor to afford to go, though I'd love to go. How often does that happen? Only once. Boo.
The weekend of the 12th-14th, I'm heading down to Chicago to visit my lovely dearest Sara at school. A whole 2.5 days with her! Whoa. I haven't seen her in person since August...what the EFFFFFFFFFFF? I don't know how I'm living. The oxygen helps but...
I had wanted to do the Daniel Fast (eating only veggies, fruits, & unleavened grains) but for the last week and few days I was weirdly sick. I still don't even know what it was I had, - thank God I never puked. Anyways, haha...I want to do that, but it's 21 days. If I start Nov. 1, I'll most likely break while visiting Sara (we eat when we're together, - it's literally our joint activity). So the debate is whether in knowing I will inevitably cheat, if I should do it.
Lastly, but not leastly, I've really wanted to do NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month, love the abbrv. tho) but I think with everything else going on, I'm not likely to get anywhere close to the goal which makes me not want to do it. But I want to!
November, you look a challenge, but I want to take you. See you on the 1st!
Friday, October 29, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Fall Fling
I have been thinking in analogies a lot lately. I have this one that's been in my head for a couple days, but I can't figure out which is the analogy for which.
See, Minnesota in the fall is beautiful! I love fall. It's all windy, and sweepy and romantic. But it's a fling, - it doesn't last long. (That's not the analogy, but you can see how they're coming to me, but maybe more metaphors than analogies anyways...)
Minnesota fall is like being in the prime of your life. You wait for it, wait for it to come, then it gets there and you realize the progression to a season of your life that you feel like you can handle, - that progression doesn't stop. It doesn't slow down. You have to try to enjoy it while it's there, but you're just gonna get old.
Next thing you know it's 30 degrees and snowing.
It may sound like a really depressing thought-pattern, but I was just thinking about how I've done that so much already in my life. Longing for the future, waiting for a time that I know I'll enjoy but letting the present just pass by. I count down the days, then the days fly by and keep flying. I feel like the older I've gotten, my awareness of time passing makes time seem to go faster. Just yesterday was a year ago. And a year ago? That was just three!
Anyways, I don't know if fall-into-winter is an analogy for wanting to "grow up" and live life, or if wanting to get older and realizing that it never stops is the analogy. I think the first one. [I'm not very articulate today]
See, Minnesota in the fall is beautiful! I love fall. It's all windy, and sweepy and romantic. But it's a fling, - it doesn't last long. (That's not the analogy, but you can see how they're coming to me, but maybe more metaphors than analogies anyways...)
Minnesota fall is like being in the prime of your life. You wait for it, wait for it to come, then it gets there and you realize the progression to a season of your life that you feel like you can handle, - that progression doesn't stop. It doesn't slow down. You have to try to enjoy it while it's there, but you're just gonna get old.
Next thing you know it's 30 degrees and snowing.
It may sound like a really depressing thought-pattern, but I was just thinking about how I've done that so much already in my life. Longing for the future, waiting for a time that I know I'll enjoy but letting the present just pass by. I count down the days, then the days fly by and keep flying. I feel like the older I've gotten, my awareness of time passing makes time seem to go faster. Just yesterday was a year ago. And a year ago? That was just three!
Anyways, I don't know if fall-into-winter is an analogy for wanting to "grow up" and live life, or if wanting to get older and realizing that it never stops is the analogy. I think the first one. [I'm not very articulate today]
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Simple Gaze - A Sonnet (no meter)
I think of your eyes,
And though part of me tries,
I loose words,
Only feelings come to mind,
Words for which I cannot find,
Only left to sigh,
A quiet quickness in my chest,
A nervousness sums up the rest,
But when you're there,
Oh, no feeling can compare,
With each gaze in my eyes,
I contemplatively surmise,
That if that gaze could but be mine,
Surely would my heart be thine.
And though part of me tries,
I loose words,
Only feelings come to mind,
Words for which I cannot find,
Only left to sigh,
A quiet quickness in my chest,
A nervousness sums up the rest,
But when you're there,
Oh, no feeling can compare,
With each gaze in my eyes,
I contemplatively surmise,
That if that gaze could but be mine,
Surely would my heart be thine.
Tied My Heart To You
What can I do?
I tied my heart to you,
One I trust not to hurt,
Your ways so kind,
Lay waste to mine,
My eyes well up,
At the thought of this only passing,
I've never felt this torn,
This quick,
I want this to stick,
See, I tied my heart to you,
One I trust not to hurt me,
Not to use me and leave me,
Not to play and deceive me,
I tied my heart to you,
Yet I wonder who you are,
See it's tied to you,
For who I know so far,
One I'd trust to never hurt,
To never love then desert,
Surely I've misunderstood,
Gestures from one so good,
But with a heart such as that,
What can I do?
I tied my heart to you,
One I trust not to hurt,
Your ways so kind,
Lay waste to mine,
My eyes well up,
At the thought of this only passing,
I've never felt this torn,
This quick,
I want this to stick,
See, I tied my heart to you,
One I trust not to hurt me,
Not to use me and leave me,
Not to play and deceive me,
I tied my heart to you,
Yet I wonder who you are,
See it's tied to you,
For who I know so far,
One I'd trust to never hurt,
To never love then desert,
Surely I've misunderstood,
Gestures from one so good,
But with a heart such as that,
What can I do?
The Very Heart of Me
I still try not to cry about you,
Feels kind of like you won,
If I do,
It feels like you never knew you broke me,
how you broke me!
The memories of that time choke me,
But I can't let the pain again soak me,
I wonder if such a weary heart
Could take another such treason,
So unsuspected
And unfounded by reason,
I don't know that I'll ever see a day
Where I feel like that's not a part of me,
That being when you stole and dropped the very heart of me.
Feels kind of like you won,
If I do,
It feels like you never knew you broke me,
how you broke me!
The memories of that time choke me,
But I can't let the pain again soak me,
I wonder if such a weary heart
Could take another such treason,
So unsuspected
And unfounded by reason,
I don't know that I'll ever see a day
Where I feel like that's not a part of me,
That being when you stole and dropped the very heart of me.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Thinking-Sleeping
Lately, I've been dreaming way more than I usually do. I'd say on average, I have a dream whose specifics I recall less than once a month. In the last month I've dreamt countless times! Several times a week. Mostly meaningless dreams, - all, but it's still strange.
Usually I'll dream about something when I have a lot on my mind, and I feel like I'm not processing it enough. I process by talking, (and sometimes writing does the trick) but if I feel like I've been talking about something too much, I kind of stuff instead...and that's when dreaming occurs, I guess.
Of course there's the exception to the super random very specific dreams I'll get out of nowhere.
Anyways, dreaming regularly has been strange. I'm concerned it will be a regular thing now because I don't sleep well when I dream. The only time I feel like my head isn't spinning is when I'm sleeping. When I'm dreaming this much, it's like even when I'm asleep, I'm still thinking about the same things.
Can't get out of my own head!
Usually I'll dream about something when I have a lot on my mind, and I feel like I'm not processing it enough. I process by talking, (and sometimes writing does the trick) but if I feel like I've been talking about something too much, I kind of stuff instead...and that's when dreaming occurs, I guess.
Of course there's the exception to the super random very specific dreams I'll get out of nowhere.
Anyways, dreaming regularly has been strange. I'm concerned it will be a regular thing now because I don't sleep well when I dream. The only time I feel like my head isn't spinning is when I'm sleeping. When I'm dreaming this much, it's like even when I'm asleep, I'm still thinking about the same things.
Can't get out of my own head!
Friday, October 08, 2010
Dreaming the Extraordinary
That whole don't tell someone your dream so they don't kill it thing? Yeah, even just since Sunday I have found the value in that. I mean, instantly I did, but since then several times just in thinking about it, I've realized even more how true it is. It's funny how people can bash your dreams without even knowing what they are!
I don't know how aware I need to be, but it's even made me want to be aware of how I am with others. I'm a pretty optimistic person, but even an optimist gets jaded in certain areas of life.
This popped into my head, just thinking about generalizations people make about things, and how it makes me feel naive for wanting extraordinary; for believing extraordinary is possible.
Even if it's insanely rare, I'd rather wait for extraordinary than settle for ordinary. And I don't think it's too much to ask.
I don't know how aware I need to be, but it's even made me want to be aware of how I am with others. I'm a pretty optimistic person, but even an optimist gets jaded in certain areas of life.
This popped into my head, just thinking about generalizations people make about things, and how it makes me feel naive for wanting extraordinary; for believing extraordinary is possible.
Even if it's insanely rare, I'd rather wait for extraordinary than settle for ordinary. And I don't think it's too much to ask.
Saturday, October 02, 2010
Here I Find Myself
Again I find myself,
Wondering how,
I keep ending up here,
But every time,
Each one seems ever more clear,
Each time I'm convinced,
This one's the best,
But I know this one,
Is better than the rest,
If only I could stop my head from twirling,
And the thoughts inside from swirling,
For I know my heart will be ever more broken,
If the words I seek are never spoken,
By the lips so sweet,
From the heart so kind,
Yet always here myself I find,
Aimlessly wandering,
In want of a heart like mine,
Knowing such a love,
Would be truly divine.
Wondering how,
I keep ending up here,
But every time,
Each one seems ever more clear,
Each time I'm convinced,
This one's the best,
But I know this one,
Is better than the rest,
If only I could stop my head from twirling,
And the thoughts inside from swirling,
For I know my heart will be ever more broken,
If the words I seek are never spoken,
By the lips so sweet,
From the heart so kind,
Yet always here myself I find,
Aimlessly wandering,
In want of a heart like mine,
Knowing such a love,
Would be truly divine.
The Chase
Let's cut to the chase here, (what does that even mean?...i could never cut to the chase, i wouldn't be me without fragmenting a couple sentences with elongated parenthetical statements in the middle) I feel like I'm getting more impatient. Maybe it's not that, as much as I feel like I could have more patience. I used to consider myself a pretty patient person, but I've been noticing more that I could use more.
I'm currently a little impatient with things in my life, but in the better part of me I know that I need to accept how things are now. I just can't get my emotions and feelings to follow that. They and my reasoning do not get along.
A little was an understatement. I'm at that point where I can sense changes in the future, and I'm looking forward to the future, even if they aren't the easiest changes. The problem is, I'm ignoring the present. I've been thinking about what I want this time to be, but not as much what I think it actually is.
What is this time? I've been lost in work, and trying to keep up with just a couple friends. It's so busy, but I don't feel like it's anything. I want this to be a time of preparation, and not just before a change, but a change in and of itself. But then, I don't know in what way. The line of a sense and a want is blurring here, as it often does for me.
I think what's got me impatient is ironic because I'm not seeking it from God. Maybe that's too personal to share, but I haven't really figured out my personal boundary on personal things yet (ha). Another line I walk. My point being, I know that the change and clarification I seek, need come from God, yet it's only a bit of a revelation to me now. The irony is that I want my time before YWAM to be growing in prayer!
Go figure.
I'm currently a little impatient with things in my life, but in the better part of me I know that I need to accept how things are now. I just can't get my emotions and feelings to follow that. They and my reasoning do not get along.
A little was an understatement. I'm at that point where I can sense changes in the future, and I'm looking forward to the future, even if they aren't the easiest changes. The problem is, I'm ignoring the present. I've been thinking about what I want this time to be, but not as much what I think it actually is.
What is this time? I've been lost in work, and trying to keep up with just a couple friends. It's so busy, but I don't feel like it's anything. I want this to be a time of preparation, and not just before a change, but a change in and of itself. But then, I don't know in what way. The line of a sense and a want is blurring here, as it often does for me.
I think what's got me impatient is ironic because I'm not seeking it from God. Maybe that's too personal to share, but I haven't really figured out my personal boundary on personal things yet (ha). Another line I walk. My point being, I know that the change and clarification I seek, need come from God, yet it's only a bit of a revelation to me now. The irony is that I want my time before YWAM to be growing in prayer!
Go figure.
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