You Who Reside in Me

I'm joyful despite the ache inside of me,
Because I know that you who reside in me,
You lay my path and prepare my road
You weigh no wrath but bear my load,
You guide me through many trials,
And along the way, inspire smiles,
When they're hard to evoke,
You put together the pieces,
Of everything that broke,
You whisper in my ear,
That all will be okay,
If I just try not to understand,
But take firm hold of your hand,
You will walk with me and never stray,
Walking with me always, always you'll stay.

It All Comes Down to Love

The funny thing about life is we take it so seriously, when there's so much to it that we can't understand. There are so many trials and even little everyday battles that we stress over, and maybe we shouldn't. I've been learning in my years in the process of maturing (which I fully admit is still in progress) that life is strictly about love. That's all that's really important. That's all that's truly great in this world. Power, as an example, has its highs and its lows, but it is not as great as love and it can be lost. Love cannot be lost, it is hidden and tucked away when it's not appreciated, but it seems it's always with us. It can be revoked by someone, but that shouldn't be considered a loss, because love is never failing, if it's real, you can't help it no matter the circumstance. Power pales in comparison to love; partially because love has power. It contains it. But it's not manipulative. Love is just so amazing, and I keep learning that more and more with each day, and I think it is a powerful lesson.

I know when she got up there she probably went "Woo!" in that little way she would, and that is enough to make it okay.

DEDICATED TO SUSAN BUSHARD

Understanding

I'm having trouble understanding,
In a world that's, so demanding,
When everything's upside down,
And a life which we renown,
Is stopped and dropped like a porcelain doll,
And here we are, unaware of it all,
How precious is every minute,
And all that we see,
Before us, in it,
When suddenly life has changed,
And everything feels rearranged,
We want to try and understand,
But the reality is in your hand,
And if we take it then we will see,
What it is that this supposed to be.

Confusion and Indecision

I wish I could make up my mind. I'm sick of all this confusion. I'm trying to figure out what's best, but everything seems to get continually messier. (I wasn't even sure that "messier" was a word.) I'm really trying to be logical, but then the worry kicks in, and that's when I feel like I need to make a move now or all will fail. I don't like impulse, it's the main reason I'm so indecisive; when comes down to making a decision on the spot, I worry about making one that's too impulsive, and hence reckless. Who knows, it'll work out. Luckily none of these decisions will result in my death, so if I choose wrong, it won't be the end. (I like to try and end on a positive note)

This Day Is Bumming Me Out!

I really should clean my room today to make an area to keep my new printer and laptop. The problem is I don't feel like it. Maybe it's the waking up to talk radio, maybe it's the reading text messages first thing (it usually serves me badly, you think i'd learn to wake up a while before reading texts). Maybe it's the fact that I'm realizing I start school in 10 days. 10 DAYS. I don't want to, spare me? Why I'm dreading it so much this time around, I don't know. I just know I'm horribly unexcited. I did absolutely nothing this week. It has been such a dull week, and I think that's when I get really afraid of adding more time consuming things onto my daily schedule; when time is flying by me and squirming out of my grip.

I have this theory: if we watch time go by, it either goes by too fast or too slow. I've never watched the clock tick by at a happy medium.

I am just kinda bummed out cause my summers were getting progressively better each year and this one has sucked. Quite frankly, it did. And it gets to me more because I have this ultimatum, this looming fate of going back to school, not this monday, but the next. And then so many things are going to be changing, I feel like I'll be too busy to notice. It's almost, on a subconscious level, like this summer has sucked, and hence will this fall.

The only sparkling glimmer of hope I have is that it's all in God's hands, and He will do what He wills.

The Root

Under dirt we bury each lie,
Like roots of trees or at least we try,
The branches sway in the wind like dancers,
While we're down below covering up the answers,
Shifting side to side, swallowing our pride,
So no one will ever know the things that we never show,
We'll just wait for the first winter snow,
Cover up, cover up,
We lie, and we lie,
Lay down, lay down,
With each one we die,
Hide away, hide away,
Never telling why,
So deeper we'll dig,
Until the hole gets big,
And the mystery we can't reveal,
Is the bigger it gets the more empty we feel,
Holding on to these fragments of sand,
When we should be holding onto one another's hand,
Cover up, cover up,
We lie, and we lie,
Lay down, lay down,
With each one we die,
Hide away, hide away,
Never telling why,
We hope never to see it again,
And are left wondering when,
The wind'll tear down that tree,
Exposing all that's yet to see,
Cover up, cover up,
Lay down, lay down,
Hide away, hide away,
But we can't,
No we can't,
Hide forever,
Cause you always say never,
Someday we'll have to come clean,
Tell them just what we mean,
And watch as everyone sees,
The ugly roots of those trees.

How to Deal

Alright, so I'm a little scared. A lot is going to change this coming fall; I lied, I'm a lot scared. It seems like so much is different and unknown that I'm not prepared for. I didn't think graduating from high school would throw me for a loop this much but it's not just a set track for me anymore, I can sort of pave my own way and with that comes the possibility of making mistakes; and with that responsibility. It makes me to nauseas to think about all at once.

Not to mention I will be frequently deprived of my 3 best friends. I don't like meeting new people, I don't even want to make new friends. Is that sad? I like meeting new people. I can't make up my mind apparently, but I already knew that. Back to my point, I'm going to have far too much free time, I fear I'm going to have to make additional friends. This sounds so snobby, it's not meant to. I'm just afraid of it. I'm content having the friends I have now who accept me and I don't have to prove things to them. I am at comfort levels with them that take time, I don't know that I'm ready to start new ones. Especially right now. Yet, it's kind of exciting.

I just think it's awkward. Making new friends is awkward. I'm stressing out about this way too much. I just have such great friends, that I feel like the only reason to search out more (not that I'm one for searching out people to hone in on and make friends with...) is because I will be separated from my already awesome ones.

Maybe I'm overreacting (I do that sometimes). Maybe it won't be that bad and I'll be so busy I won't notice or have a lot of time anyways to even miss them. That's what I'm hoping. I'm sorta hoping, too, that it all happens how it happens, and with ease. I don't want to work at making friends, in my mind you just click with people. I don't want to be stressed about grades and deciding my next step.

I feel like these last months have been deciding my next step and then changing my mind about it for some reason or another.

One thing I am sure about, this year is going to be another giant experience in which I can figure out God more. He's reassured me of that too. Whatever happens it will be an experience, and I'll never really be alone. I guess that's comfort enough for now. Plus I'm laid back enough that I can deal with the repercussions of my choices.