Tradition: To Give Thanks

     As is my tradition, and that of many others, to share a few (or some years many) of the things I'm thankful for, here goes...

I grew up in the home of believers. At times, my faith has also helped strengthen or challenge my parents', I'm sure, but I am thankful for the way theirs has shaped mine, and really the way they live their lives in general. I am thankful that I have God-fearing parents that I can seek for prayer!

Furthermore, I'm thankful that I have parents who care enough to get nosey about my life! My mother will listen to me talk about absolutely anything, for as long as I wish, no matter how sleep-deprived she is - sometimes I worry she'll spoil me. How is anyone that selfless?

Which leads me to my next thing: I am thankful for the people who just get me. It's not often you click with someone well-enough to understand their meaning at any given time, with any given amount of words, or lack of them; substituted by facial expressions and emotions. The people who pose no judgment, who genuinely care and invest. I am thankful for the ones who invest, and not cheaply; not short-term. I am thankful for those ones that see me for me, and still want to stick around. There's almost nothing that blesses my heart more!

Something that can compete with the previous statement (almost): February to August of this past year. I had some of the best experiences of my life, which to call them vaguely "best", does them little justice. I stood beneath the Eiffel Tower countless times, ate twice as many baguettes as that, and spoke french with an Afghan guy who came to tug my heartstrings. I traveled through the whole country of Vietnam, visiting seven very different cities, making friends along the way. I got food poisoning for most of the duration of my very short visit to Cambodia, not to mention came home with weird bug bites I'd never had in Nam. I took only a school-sized backpack with me to Ireland, drank several pints of Guinness, met a man in a pub who fell madly in love with me in 3 hours' time and showed me what it should really be like to be pursued. I met some of the best people I may ever know in the world, and my heart stowed-away on 13 different planes to homes all over the States and the world, not to mention a little residual bit sticking behind stubbornly in Paris.

I am thankful to be an American, however cliche that may seem, and all our nation's faults aside. I know now because of my travels how much a blessing it is to have been born in this country. I am thankful for all opportunities it has afforded me, and may continue to.

I am thankful to know a God who loves so deeply, and so individually, and yet is so all-encompassing. I was brought on the absolute adventure of a life-time, and I know it doesn't have to be the only one I have. And even though I mess up, and I'm definitely nowhere near perfection, He'll always take me back and will always love me for the every bit of who I am. I am thankful to know this God, because I also know this life, and I cannot imagine it without knowing my God.

This year, I've skipped some of the usual things: music, coffee, and photography purposefully. Yes, I'm thankful for the little things, the things that no matter how much I love them, I know are insignificant. Being able to say that, carefully and thoughtfully, is one of the biggest blessings of this year; it comes from perspective. I am thankful that I have been made with a soft heart, and have been taught instances to harden it; and have been given lessons in preserving its softness, expanding it even. I am thankful that this has been given to me. And though every day I may acknowledge my love of music or coffee, I don't often enough acknowledge the things that are truly important and truly a blessing in life. Things for which to truly and fervently give thanks.

November 14 Thoughts

I feel like I've been going non-stop, but I know that's not true; see the stress overwhelms me, and scatters my thoughts. It ambushes me every time I think I've got a grip on things, and it goes for the jugular, subtly - if one can go for the jugular subtly. But stress is an inanimate object, it can probably do whatever it wants. Particularly to its victims.

I always fool myself for a little while, even if only a few shining minutes into being stress free. I think, "it's not all as bad as you're making it out to be," or "you're not gonna die; the worst that could happen is you get a C without stressing versus a B with...or you'll fail, but at least life is bigger than college." A million different scenarios or useless pep-talks have buzzed through my mind at attempts of tricking myself into an oasis of carefree contentedness.

Or I just take a nap.

You: I Know Now

I know now not to pour myself into you
I only wish all along I knew
Not to excavate your every thought
Not to pine without care to get caught
But don't take this to the heart
I just should've known better from the start
You were too good to be true cause you weren't
And as is usual
I got myself burnt.

Always Something

There's always something to remind me of you

Some thing or some phrase

And I feel it sting

Like a judging gaze

Which also reminds me of you

I can't picture your face without it

That tactless tightness of your mouth

And the flat skin all about it

Chronicling to me my worth, - or lack

Silently giving me flack

Displaying to me like a lens reflex

How your pride devours me in pecks

Just like you are

A hen

One I wouldn't care to ever see again

But there's always something to remind me of you

Some phrase or some thing.

The 11th Hour

So, I haven't written in a while. All that's really been on my mind has been stress. Any time something worth writing about pops into my thought process it's scared out West Side Story snapping-style by anxiety over how much I should be getting done but am not.

I'm the type of student that procrastinates and all the while worries over how much there is to be done by such and such deadline...but I waste too much time worrying (and subsequently stress-napping), when I should just be getting sh*t done! But the problem is with some things, I can't really. I do my best when the pressure's on. Or rather, I'm capable of being productive in the 11th hour, whereas the first 10 are spent freaking out, and YouTubing. Dammit, YouTube.

Then I feel less inclined to care about anything if I can't even truly focus on school! When my life is busy, to me it becomes one big blur with a general sense of when the big dates are.

That said, this is about all I can write about. Because the only other things on my mind are fleeting thoughts of being single (blah, nobody wants to hear about THAT anymore) and/or how I can't wait to travel again. Also, graduate. How much I hate college...

And really you can now see how cyclical the whole thing is. It's terrible. So until I spare some time for being productive in my spare time...redundant? nonsensical?...hello and goodbye, readers.