Decades Later

A lost horizon,
A blend of what's been done,
A forgotten people and place,
No name, certainly no face,
No god,
No sense,
No news,
An ignorance we choose,
A sense of duty we lose,
Put it behind,
Imply our apologies,
Make up theologies,
But never right the wrong,
Though it's been so long,
We've had so many chances,
Lost in our trances,
Thinking that thinking is just enough,
When it's not,
So much more is owed,
And so little remorse is showed,
What will reconcile this,
If any such thing exists?

The Integral Intersection of Our Two Mandates

From time to time, I toil with the questions of what this faith I adhere to is really about. Is just being in love with the Lord enough? What about when there's still garbage in our lives? Garbage isn't beautiful, it certainly isn't pure and so, obviously, not attractive! I've spent pretty much my entire life in the Church, and let me tell you there are plenty of people spewing a lot of garbage who profess to be image-bearers of Christ.

My spiritual gift is not evangelism; rather, I should say it's not my most prominent. I'm someone who thinks if you don't want to hear it, all I'm going to do is more damage than good. But I'm also skeptical that "loving" the Lord and just being a good person is the point. Yet, I think that we can put evangelizing on a pedestal as our primary life goal, and I don't think that's it, either. Somehow the great commission has been emphasized so strongly that we miss so much else that Jesus taught and the big picture of what it's about. So I'm somewhere in thinking, I need to sift some stuff out of myself, still. I still have stuff come out of me that's not very Jesus. (My new favorite phrase, "That's not very Jesus!")

I fall somewhere between a few groups of thinkers that I see among Christians, about what our focus is. I used to think it is different for everyone, and I think it will look different for everyone, but I also think there's some things God wants in our lives and our limitations and over-simplifications can put Him in a box. And sometimes that box goes on a shelf, maybe collects dust until we need to pull it out as an identifier.

What I mean to exemplify is that I think there is a balance between the two common grooves we fall into, and I think both are really integral to this faith. To expound upon something my pastor put very well a few weeks ago when speaking on James 2:14-20, knowing God's love should produce natural good fruit. If we really know Jesus, that should be what comes out of us on the regular. That doesn't mean saying loudly from a ladder on a street corner that fornicators will go to hell. It doesn't mean accentuating someone else's shortfalls because from our high and lofty perch of righteousness and loving the Lord, we see these sore thumb. Enter my new favorite phrase: what about that is Jesus?

To be an image-bearer of Jesus; a reflection of Him, you have to know Him and what He's about. (Again, I speak this just as much to myself to consider, ponder, and internalize as I do to anyone else.) Unless I've been totally misguided in my understanding of the Bible, Jesus was about reconciliation, healing, love, mercy, and freedom...not condemnation, oppression, hate, and perpetuating brokenness. The only people Jesus ever publicly called out were the Pharisees; the religious people who weren't truly living godly lives.

To ever attract someone to Jesus, we should be like Him. Loving the Lord is enough if it actually bears fruit in your life. If all it means is you go to church and worship...I'm not God, but I'm guessing He wants more for your life! Believe me, I am in the category of being awe-inspired by God, but then what does that awe do? And if there's still junk coming from you, it might be time to stop loudly professing your love for the Lord until you figure out what that really means for you. Part of what I think it means is that you know something so good, so sweet, and so life-changing; heart-changing, that when the time comes to speak of it you're not in doubt and you're not afraid; your heart will leap from knowing the answer, and from the hope that someone else will know it.

A truth with which one could argue and we all know is: but no one is perfect. Yes, we have a sinful nature, but as Paul says in Romans, "Should we then go on sinning that grace may abound? No!" Also, in Philippians I think this is part of what he refers to as forgetting what's behind and pressing on to take hold of that for which Christ took hold of us; to be made holy! We're not yet holy, but being made holy. Our unholiness, our sin is what separated us from God. The cross tore the veil, brought us back! Enabled us to come close to God again.

Without the implication of working our way to salvation, I believe there is some truth to needing to keep ourselves in check. It's like swimming against the current. Our nature wants to take us back, and wants to set back the work God has done in our lives - and that's where the lie is; it cannot be undone! Though, that doesn't mean that we don't have to turn away our sinful nature, and press on.

So we may need to weed some things out of our life to be more like Christ. We can be inspired by the beauty and grace of God to tears, but we still have to decide what that means in and for our lives. A rotten tree does not bear good and lasting fruit.

The great commission is...great, but the greatest command is to love the Lord, the second being to love your neighbor as yourself. Our love needs to be for the Lord and from the Lord, in order for our evangelism - a fancy, sometimes scary word for sharing the message of God's love and goodness - to have impact. We need to know what we have and that it's good, and live it, in order to share it. That's what Christianity is, no two ways about it.

If What's to Come is Good

One of life's undeniable beauties is that we each have a story. Each one of us comes from a different place, at a different time, born into different circumstance and varying family sizes. All the experiences up to each moment wash over us to make us who we are, whether adding a sediment or eroding away. There are times when I lose sight of how far I've come, and what the journey has entailed (apologies if the metaphor of a journey is all-too cliche), but when I pull back to see it in full-perspective, I note the distance and cherish the road.

Recently I found myself weary on this stretch, this leg; hopelessly looking ahead at terrain I don't know how to navigate. Yet, every time I am reminded of the beauty that has come from what I perceived to be ash. When all I've ever known is being taken care of, how could I ever worry? And any time the anxiety creeps in, a reminder has been sure to follow, leaving me feeling sheepish (ha! no pun intended).

Somehow, even though I've been unemployed for a nearing month without income, and haven't had "savings" since before I graduated high school, I have been able to pay all my bills and still have money. Granted, I've been putting groceries and gas on my credit card, it still doesn't make sense. It just doesn't add up; it's stretched, how is it possible? Still I'm taken care of!

I was reminded of two major impacts of my [thus far young] life: college and YWAM. There's even interplay between the two and how they were difficult and yet blessed pieces of my story. In high school as a freshman when we were first directed to begin thinking about the career we wanted someday, I was sure I wanted to be a writer. I am far less naive now than I was then, and was bent on it. I didn't see it as a lifestyle and simple hobby, but rather something I could make a living at. Maybe someday still. Then, as I continued on, I thought I'd go to art school for photography. I looked at two very expensive art schools, and decided that wasn't wise.

Essentially I settled on the U, without much care, save for their renowned journalism school. Journalism, it was perfect! I could incorporate both writing and photography; my two paths met. A few semesters later and nearly completed bachelor's in journalism, I was not allowed into the major. Make sense outta that! Enter: confusion and a gap year.

Somewhere in the midst, I tried to chase the dream to go to Paris. I've always loved traveling and the adventure of somewhere new, and I'd decided to study abroad. Boy, was it expensive! Just before the deadline of no-turning-back, I felt the same way I had about art school. The cost just could not be justified. Flash forward months, and by what could seem happenstance, I made the decision to take a gap year considering the unknown state of my major with only seven credits to go to complete a bachelors, and do a Discipleship Training School. Aside from knowing the Lord and being born into the family that I was, this is the best thing to happen to me.

I don't completely recall, but I believe it was upon my return to the States that I decided to complete a degree incorporating all of my loves: Mass Comm, English, and Art. A place I never would've landed, had not all of my circumstances led me there. Though YWAM was a refining time, it was not difficult in the way much of my time at the U was. My career at the U before my gap year consisted of a lot of turmoil over where I was meant to take my life, and where it was taking me. Knowing that as only one can know their own experience so well, I choose trust. I choose to be worry free.

There are things that are preparation for something else to come, and aren't easy, but if what's to come is good, the difficulty is worth all the pain.

One of my favorite quotes that's been with me through much of my faith journey is, "First it is impossible, then it is difficult, then it is done." J. Hudson Taylor

That Time I Ate Fast Food: Regret

Possibly not so surprisingly, during my just-over-a-month stint working at an artisan bakery, I did not eat so well. "Man cannot live on bread alone," wise words. I think when it hit the two week mark without having gone to the grocery store, I had a realization I was undoing all the healthy eating and self-control I'd employed for that long year to lose about 25lbs. Now, that kind of loss makes you feel awesome, but the awesomeness can turn into comfort, can turn back into carefree recklessness, and next thing you know you're on the way to gaining it back. All this to say, I'm consciously moving back to continuing with healthy choices...but it was a nice month of never cooking, or thinking, just eating.

I will preface this all, with one more statement and that is this: although I've moved into healthier eating, one of the biggest things I learned is not to put yourself into either "on the wagon"or "off" it. What I mean here, is that life is short, so occasionally enjoy something with some stinking saturated fat for goodness sake! The one time you ate something that wasn't Atkins, or Paleo, or Weight Watchers approved isn't going to be the death of you or RESULT IN GAINING ANY WEIGHT. (Those caps are the beginnings of an entirely different blog post to come when I can settle down about it.)

I have been eating better, since leaving Rustica. And though currently I don't yet notice an obvious difference in how I feel physically, I feel better about these choices daily. Even not being a self-guilt-tripper, just in knowing it's better, I feel better. 

Today, I caved a little. I didn't save enough time between coming home from the coffee shop where I'd been job searching, and leaving to go to my volleyball game. I had to grab a bite, and I'd been having a strange chicken strip craving for two or so weeks. I thought that to avoid McDonald's or Burger Kang (for some reason I say it this way and cannot stop), I'd be okay. Dairy Queen's relatively safe, right? They're just chicken strips. And mmmm, were they good.

Flash forward to knowing that was a bad idea, and out of curiosity looking up the nutrition information online. This is probably the best way you could decide to never eat fast food (Taco Bell will probably always and forever be the exception; the one for which I turn a blind eye). Then, after the shock settled, I looked up an organic version you'd keep in your freezer; cut the overall calories in half, cut the fat grams by 60%. The regular old Tyson version was also 100 less calories, and nearly half the fat grams. Even Applebee's, though their nutrition info for just the chicken or how much isn't posted, seems to not be that bad. Based on the average recommended caloric intake and the amount that should be fat calories, say goodbye to half your day's fat intake in one snack of a meal.That's insane. 

I will forever think twice (except for Taco Bell) when it comes to thinking that three chicken strips from a fast food joint can't be that bad for me. 

A Bewildering & Pressured Endeavor

The job search is such a bewildering and pressured endeavor. One's livelihood completely depends on it, and every job take follows one; plays into their future possibilities. In this day and age, you can't have high expectations or a simple understanding of it, and yet you need to look at it with simplicity. The simple fact of the matter is you can't always do what you want, and it's not even gonna be easy to get the stuff you don't want.

You have to consciously dis-acknowledge the implied value of the offered pay rate; it doesn't actually speak to your personal worth, no matter what society may passively convey. They should've told us, you can have a dream but you'll have to work your ass off to get there, and hope that no freak accidents happen. They should've told us it's a bad idea to get bored and flippantly try to do something different to satiate your young, flighty desires. Is it really just who we are, or is it a generational commit-a-phobia?

It's an uphill battle. I should've just gone with a technical skill...is there still time for that? I guess there would be, it's either that or work a bunch of random really terrible jobs that seem to torture your very existence. (It's okay with me if you think I'm just being dramatic, turns out I'm not okay with just doing "anything", as I once thought. I give myself credit for knowing that, now.) No matter how optimistic I've ever been in job searching, the actual task of it becomes overwhelming and the part of me that sees recurring facts, then defines the pattern - that part fights with the blind optimism.

I balance it out by telling myself I might have to be okay with the whole thing taking a while. And I'm going to have to suck it up and spend hours on dead-end pursuits, while holding onto the gleam in my eye that represents the zest for whatever it is I am made for.

Good vs. the Lie of Intellect

Did you know that statistics show that...life is terrible? They also show that people die. They also show that people hurt people. That we are corrupt. That we are lost. That we are broken.

And I've noticed (though I don't have any statistical information on it) we are really good at pointing fingers and talking about how things are wrong, and...inevitably spiraling ourselves downward into a desensitized sleepwalk. While writing this might not be a far cry from the pot calling the kettle black, try to stick with me on this. Something I've observed recently, and it might just be my church and circles, but Christians are really debbie-downers. If we don't believe in the Good, what are we even doing?

I feel like we're selling God incredibly short, by buying into statistics and constantly highlighting the brokenness of the world...but not doing anything about it, or at the very least speaking truth into it. Again, this could be just following suit, but I have found myself strongly discouraged by the things that fellow believers talk about, rant about, and post about. I've been repeatedly toiling with the idea of eighty-sixing my facebook account, partially due to all the depressing garbage I get inundated with from my friends who supposedly share my beliefs. [Might I insert a short-but-sweet aside: politics will not save you or anyone else.]


Maybe it's on me to try to find the root to these issues, and dig into these peoples lives to bring light, but part of me just wants to preach: What the heck is wrong with us? I don't feel like we are a reflection of a redeemed and hopeful people! I don't at all mean to say we should ignore the brokenness of this world by not addressing it; that would be no better, but if we are the ones who know a point behind this all to make it bearable, heck, even enjoyable! why aren't we living in that hope, consciously?


I preach this to myself, just as much as to anyone else.


Throughout my life, in and out of the Church but always with the Lord, no matter my circumstances He has brought me back to His Goodness. I am so frustrated with the lie that intellectualizing everything is better. It is a lie. One of the biggest and most basic pieces of our theology is that God is bigger than our human minds can imagine. Intellectualizing says to put things in a box, and believe me as an analytic person, I get wanting to find a pattern. The lie there is that in being intellectual there is security. The lie in only talking about how broken the world is, is that evil was victorious. I'm tired of it, aren't you tired of it? Our intellect is created and given by God, just as we would with our finances, it should be given back to Him and not held above Him. I would go so far as to say it's a sin that many of us are unconsciously guilty of. Does our intellect serve us, and therefore God, or does it rule us and call the shots?


It takes a conscious effort and it will likely be one that goes against our nature - one that calls for us to live in that trust we claim to have in God.


Again, give me a week, I'm sure I'll make a blatant hypocrite out of myself, but I think it's worth talking about; it's worth noting that from what I can see, Christians are being really bad at talking about the good. All the facts in the world are only going to drown you in doubt. If our eyes are fixed on Jesus and bringing the Kingdom, that should pour forth from our lives as a life-giving spring for others.

Sometimes I wonder what the world would like if we were to re-direct the time spent on ranting on Facebook, instead praying for God's hand in the injustices and brokenness of the world. Furthermore, what would our hearts and lives look like? How much more would our walk with God and the effect of Jesus be intriguing?