I'm trying to get back on the horse. I've had a bad case of writer's block for, oh, the last three or so months. I don't really know what it is, or what to call it - which for a highly introspective person - is all the more frustrating.
I almost feel like the creative part of my brain has been in a coma after attempting to hyper function in competition with the amount of attention required for academics. I've never been a "school-person". I've never thrived in school, really. It stresses me out. I feel like there are these vague standards set by higher-minds, just waiting for me to fail. Most of my college career, at least at the U, I felt like it was all a giant test to see if I might fail. If I could brave the pressure or not knowing what the hell I was doing, but that I better do it right - then I'd earn a degree.
It's a degree of stress. I have a Bachelor's in Stress Survival.
The downside is, now I have to find a job. What the hell do I find a job in? Pardon my language. So I guess that stress degree is worth it, because now I'm just waiting. Now is a much lower level of stress. It's the kind where I'm tired of working in a dead-end job where I'm under-appreciated and hence, unmotivated.
The funny thing is, I totally over-estimated myself. I was so wrong. I said, I doubt the job search will get to me, I'm pretty content where I'm at. I can make ends meet. Then everything financially went down the drain, and I picked up hours and I got sick of my job. And started only thinking in run-ons, because: the stress.
So needless to say, I've been at a loss for words. Finding anything important to say that isn't just complaining. I don't like complaining, but over the last year I've found myself doing it more than I have before. Another thing I self-predicted and was completely wrong about: I'd never become jaded. I feel it. And I don't like it. Thankfully, I think no one notices as much as I do...typical.
On my birthday, I decided I was going to be really into it. I'm the type that likes the attention somewhat, but I don't. I get really embarrassed if a large group of people is looking at me and focusing on me, but I like to be appreciated. But I decided to just be excited to be alive. Not that 22 is old, or even really an accomplishment. Maybe a pessimist would say so, but I'm an optimist. I thought, why not just spend the day being super excited to be alive? And it was lovely.
Maybe that's my goal for the year. What would life be like for a year of just being excited for everything that comes your way? Decidedly adopting an attitude of thankfulness for the time we are given, in the very moments as they arrive and pass. It sounds so beautiful, and peaceful; it just makes me happy thinking about it.
No doubt, with the way life comes at us, it will be a challenge but what a challenge to take!
So here ends a hiatus from writing, from talking about my life. I can't say it will be all daisies and roses from me from here on out, but I'll do my darnedest to keep sharing and keep showing a good perspective on whatever life it is I'm given.
