seems you've lost your concentration
and the result is this painful evaporation
wasted words like snow flakes on still warm concrete
never stood a chance with even waning heat
and i can only reach so far
dancing for balance
and yet holding to the par
breaks my heart
little by little
bit by small bit
you've seen me crumble
think you can't help it
but what i ask
not so great a task
is just remember
when you loved me.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Head Space: Paralyzing and Intriguing
I open the page to pour out my thoughts, and they evaporate; disappearing like the fog of my breath would on this winter night. Then before me sits the blankness, again. Paralyzing, and intriguing.
Lately everything feels different than I thought it would, and I haven't known how to put it to words. I've felt strange; not myself. Out of body, but painfully present. [These are simply musings, not meant to allude or draw alarm. Just musings.] And through an onslaught of emotions and feelings that I haven't recognized by their names, I have been at a loss for the right words. I have been afraid to try to apply description to sentiments I don't myself understand, let alone for someone else to try.
I'm one so often lost in my own thoughts, that I typically have a good handle on myself; what I feel, what I think, what I do. So to an extent it's been troublesome not to understand myself, but not worrisome that I'm at any actual risk. Just confusion.
And the confusion arises from a feeling that's quite unfamiliar to me, though I think accurately describes it and that's: discontentment.
Maybe it's now that I'm growing up, seeing life from a realistic perspective that it's more challenging than I've previously thought. I'm an optimist, and a pleaser, but life is so very different than I've ever seen it. It's becoming harder to give the benefit of the doubt. It's been harder to graciously withstand ruthless ways and selfishness. To be giving is no longer a virtue but a weakness.
I guess what I'm realizing is that I feel a little jaded. A little bit like, I don't know what's worthwhile right now; cause it seems like barely anything is good and lasting. If anything good lasts, it destroys something else in it's birth. It's like the simple explanation of mortality that a parent might give to their child: for every death their is a new life. And I feel like in my life, so many things have passed, that I'm wearily waiting and checking the horizon for the new.
I am by no means despairing now but I was not long ago. The purpose of these thoughts exposed is not to draw attention or pull out emotion - it's that I simply can't not express. Pardon the double negative...I think there's value in expression. In discussing wisely when things aren't perfect.
And I am the type, that in feeling the impending weight of the human condition, seeks to notice and cherish what's good and life-giving; to count blessings, if you will. Being an optimist, I am prone to finding and, at times, creating the silver lining.
All this is to say, I have been wondering (yes, wondering) through a lot of head-space, and I think I've found what to call this foreign feeling that I am learning to overcome. So it's not a defeat but a victory, learning to be content. Finding joy and worth in times of mediocrity. Cherishing what's good and what's there.
Lately everything feels different than I thought it would, and I haven't known how to put it to words. I've felt strange; not myself. Out of body, but painfully present. [These are simply musings, not meant to allude or draw alarm. Just musings.] And through an onslaught of emotions and feelings that I haven't recognized by their names, I have been at a loss for the right words. I have been afraid to try to apply description to sentiments I don't myself understand, let alone for someone else to try.
I'm one so often lost in my own thoughts, that I typically have a good handle on myself; what I feel, what I think, what I do. So to an extent it's been troublesome not to understand myself, but not worrisome that I'm at any actual risk. Just confusion.
And the confusion arises from a feeling that's quite unfamiliar to me, though I think accurately describes it and that's: discontentment.
Maybe it's now that I'm growing up, seeing life from a realistic perspective that it's more challenging than I've previously thought. I'm an optimist, and a pleaser, but life is so very different than I've ever seen it. It's becoming harder to give the benefit of the doubt. It's been harder to graciously withstand ruthless ways and selfishness. To be giving is no longer a virtue but a weakness.
I guess what I'm realizing is that I feel a little jaded. A little bit like, I don't know what's worthwhile right now; cause it seems like barely anything is good and lasting. If anything good lasts, it destroys something else in it's birth. It's like the simple explanation of mortality that a parent might give to their child: for every death their is a new life. And I feel like in my life, so many things have passed, that I'm wearily waiting and checking the horizon for the new.
I am by no means despairing now but I was not long ago. The purpose of these thoughts exposed is not to draw attention or pull out emotion - it's that I simply can't not express. Pardon the double negative...I think there's value in expression. In discussing wisely when things aren't perfect.
And I am the type, that in feeling the impending weight of the human condition, seeks to notice and cherish what's good and life-giving; to count blessings, if you will. Being an optimist, I am prone to finding and, at times, creating the silver lining.
All this is to say, I have been wondering (yes, wondering) through a lot of head-space, and I think I've found what to call this foreign feeling that I am learning to overcome. So it's not a defeat but a victory, learning to be content. Finding joy and worth in times of mediocrity. Cherishing what's good and what's there.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Here, Where
And here we find ourselves,
Where,
All loyalty is lost.
Lines are blurred and crossed,
This sense of self
and self-construction
only result in certain self-destruction
we turn off the concern
and so exchange it for panic
coming to in open waters
turns free into manic
flailing and wailing
longing for some sense of direction
but no one wants to hear they're wrong
only right
and we're all right
and we're alright
we're the sudden silence
of a war-torn night
but don't look now.
Where,
All loyalty is lost.
Lines are blurred and crossed,
This sense of self
and self-construction
only result in certain self-destruction
we turn off the concern
and so exchange it for panic
coming to in open waters
turns free into manic
flailing and wailing
longing for some sense of direction
but no one wants to hear they're wrong
only right
and we're all right
and we're alright
we're the sudden silence
of a war-torn night
but don't look now.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
[I am thankful for Joy]
I count myself thankful for the root of Joy
that was bestowed upon me
in my formation; before breath...
though the world try to beat it down,
it is resilient!
I grip to it
so not to lose unto death
but it has a quiet way
a strength to surpass all others
and if a part of me withers
it is an endless tether
permeating the dirt of me,
keeping me true
[I am thankful for Joy]
that was bestowed upon me
in my formation; before breath...
though the world try to beat it down,
it is resilient!
I grip to it
so not to lose unto death
but it has a quiet way
a strength to surpass all others
and if a part of me withers
it is an endless tether
permeating the dirt of me,
keeping me true
[I am thankful for Joy]
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