Beginning a New Journal: Sept 8, 2012

I love this journal so much I didn't even want to break the binding. It's lovely, and I wanted to begin it with something lovely, but those kinds of words are a little for me to come by these days.

I'm at Logan Park, it's a beautiful evening; it was a beautiful day. It didn't even feel like it. Hence I took to my bike, journal in tow. I wanted to go somewhere beautiful, somewhere that didn't make me hate life...if only for a minute. It didn't feel like a beautiful day.

I spend all day inside, at the wrong temperature, just looking at a taunting outdoors. I think about what I'll do when I get off work, but inevitably I'm too beat to chase the adventure my heart craves and then invents.

I'm listening, now, to the dwindling remnant sounds of children in the park at twilight. a couple walking their dog pass me a second time. It's a beautiful evening, though the breeze has my every hair on end and my body on the verge of shivers. I welcome it. It's been a hot, humid summer, though not even one of our worst.

And though it's dark out, I wish someone would come and talk with me. Lately, I've had the longing for the spark of new relationship. A chance to meet someone new, and investigate them. Try them on; feel them out. If I like it, lay ground rules: no taking advantage of me, no lying, no walking away, no secrets, no assumptions or presumptions, no holding back - tears or laughter -, no letting go when it's convenient. Be present, be invested.

Instead, I sit, on the bench, looking out over an ever-darkening field, the clouds in the distance occasionally shimmering, alone. Only thinking that if I met someone who'd let me set the rules, and also hold me to them...it would be perfect. If only there were such a thing, as someone I could trust; someone who would treat me like I deserve, and love me, that would be perfect. Ideal. Ideal.

The wind washes over me, playing with the whispies in my hair. This is the closest I think I ever feel to love. That's why I come here and sit, alone. I can pretend that even though I don't speak, the wind hears my thoughts and cherishes these musings. I can come and feel like beauty loves me back. Its touches, looks, and hushes tell me. And we're together, without care.

Beauty loves me back.

The Now

Fall always gets me. I begin to love life again. Summer is great for some things it offers, but fall will always snag my heart.

I had a bit of a rough patch the past week or so. It's like when the you-know-what hits, it HITS. But I had this realization that it's a snare. It's a snare. I could be dragged down, and I could make the same choices as all the rest, but the point is to have discernment and trust, and a happiness that confounds people. How when life is what it is, can you still find joy?

It's not just a change of the weather, it's not just that last week was bad and this week is better. Last week, a lot of bad crap went down, but this week my life is still in the wake of that. This week I'm choosing to walk in an attitude of grace, joy, and expectancy. I went to work yesterday, and for some random reason I just had a great day at work. Great! I haven't had a great day at work in, God knows how long!

And I miss that. I miss the times in my life when I was good at taking each day as it comes, and not constantly wondering about when I'm going to get to something better. What's wrong with right now? What is meant for right now?

There's always something to be done; to be achieved or enjoyed. I hate to be so era-specific, but I kind of like "YOLO". I mean, let's be real, that existed before it became a stupid, over-used acronym. None the less, it's something that we should think about more. Why be a jerk to your waitress (or barista), when you could be nice? Why hoard things, when you could give them away? Why be in a bad mood, when you could brighten someone's day? Why worry, when you have no control anyway?

I've been especially irked lately by the hypocrisy of christians. Myself included. Man, I can be such a hypocrite. A variety of ways. One of them is being so discontent with my life, when I should be enjoying it all the time...yolo. But seriously.

I guess discontentment isn't limited to mis-focused Christians. Everyone gets it. In general, I've been trying to focus on (I promise so far I kind of suck at it) putting other people first - which is so the opposite of how people think these days! Wouldn't it just be interesting? Interesting that someone would say, even though I'm tired and feel like a royal sack of crap, I will smile at you when I hand you your coffee and genuinely wish you a great day. Part of the tough thing is people don't notice as much as you want them to; the doormat effect.

So this has been and will be my challenge to myself. The challenge to totally enjoy life. As much as humanly possible.

I'm sentimental and pensive, so the change of seasons makes me think about how I could change. Cliche, yes. Effective? Maybe. Try it, you might like it.