The Risk of Love Notwithstanding

Guard your heart. A particularly nauseating piece of Christianese if ever I heard one. I'm of the thought that it needs to go wherever "kissing dating goodbye" went to die. (Too harsh? Sorry...sort of.)

There was a slow build of annoyance the more I heard this over the last few weeks. For starters, where did it come from? Second, I don't think it means what just about anyone means it to. Last, and most importantly, how in the heck are two people supposed to figure out if they are to choose each other for life, without being vulnerable? Isn't it more a risk of pain to flippantly engage in a relationship for months, for some even years, all the while "protecting" yourself and never getting to the real stuff.

Call me crazy because I do it a little backwards; I want to know there aren't any giant, glaringly obvious deal-breakers (nod to Liz Lemon) before I bother to invest my time and subsequently heart. The beauty of that is, that is how I do it; that is my style. It doesn't actually matter how different people would do it, they're not living my life. They won't know my pain the way I do, but they also can't know my joy the way I do.

I don't highly value surfacey relationships. If there's one thing I've learned from my broken hearts of yore, it's that having fun and shared experiences does not a lasting loyalty and selflessness make. So I also won't apologize for striving to quickly discover the other heart. I won't keep letting everyone sell me short of how well I know myself, how I approach relationships, or how I make decisions for my life.

I decided that "guard your heart" is for people who are always in flippant relationships, which added a layer of hurtfulness for each uttered reference, but nonetheless I think it could be the only logical use. Surely, you should protect yourself from being taken advantage of, for granted, abused, used, or whatever else. Those who don't understand consequence, pain, or themselves, surely ought guard their hearts.

Or maybe take it slow and guard your heart are meant to be "listen to your intuition, wisdom, and don't buy in before you know"...all of which are yet offensive implications that I wouldn't otherwise be doing that but...I think I've made myself clear.

I've never remotely planned to live my life cooped up in a cushy padded room somewhere, doing nothing. Not to mention the deeper I go with the Lord, I think that sounds crazy! Trying to protect ourselves. Rather, I choose to dare to love because He first loved me; that love will cover my story end to end, high highs and low lows. That love will keep my heart together, and put back the pieces when - inevitable to life - it falls apart.

I will end on this: I keep running into something lately, a notion. Jesus wasn't guarded. He wasn't anti-vulnerability. He was all-in, encompassing grace, mercy, and love, unbridled and sacrificial. I have my strong doubts that God has called us to live guarded lives...the risk of love notwithstanding.

Unafraid Over Wavering

Never would I have said that I am particularly susceptible to wavering with the wind. I may be indecisive, that I'll own, but easily-persuaded? Never. I never would have described myself that way. I have even unofficially (or unbeknownst to them) coached people in the art of gleaning wisdom, then making a decision for yourself! Somehow, here I sit feeling emotionally exhausted from being tossed from the left to the right, and back again in a vicious cycle. Though when I can pause long enough to get my bearings, I know how I feel; I am not wavering...then I get thrown again.

Several weeks back, God told me something very clearly: He said, "You can go headlong into what I have before you, unafraid." Unafraid. Months further back, He told me "There is no place unsafe to go with me." Nowhere unsafe with Him. Then just today I was reminded of a very similar word given to me by someone else, almost exactly a year ago; don't be afraid. That last one, - given specific to a relationship that would enter my life.

Being unafraid is a choice. Not only is it a choice not to adhere to mere logic, but it is a choice to acknowledge and trust God. To trust God beyond what seems logical is something I have been learning about for nearly a decade. It was about nine years ago that He brought me to Psalm 91, in an hour of great fear. It floored me that God was so bent on protecting me, that I could not "strike my foot against a stone," - or as I always paraphrase, stub my toe. "A thousand at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you." That's my life verse. That's what's tattooed in my very own, everyday sight-line.

So I become ever increasingly familiar with flack for such a lofty belief. Pfft, God as protector! Not just protector, Refuge. And yet, I am emotionally toiled. On one hand, I have this exciting new thing that I am not afraid of, rather I want to study. Then on the other hand, there are all these voices drowning out my ability to even hear the Lord. These voices are those of logic and reason, but in this I have further realized something: fear masquerades cleverly under the guise of "logic". Logic is so respected, we could never question its validity...but I think as believers we should. The Bible is an entire book of logic-defied; the very Messiah himself is logic-defied. So much so, there are people who still believe Jesus wasn't it! Receiving Grace in spite of being undeserved, that is logic-defied. Walking unscathed through fire is logic-defied.

I find it perplexing that I struggle to find people who believe in such a big, boundless God. That I receive criticism because I would much rather trust the Lord and seek His wisdom, than put my trust in the logic of this world. No amount of logic can truly protect me, but He can. And though I know I'll never be completely rid of the skeptical questioners, I hope that they will let me walk out my faith the way God has so graciously shown me to; trusting in Him. I hope that I root down deeper in that, so as to be unwavering.

Unexpected: Grace Meet "Danger"

I struggle with being judgmental. I'm not always that way, but I definitely have my moments. There are times when I lean right into it like it is as sure as gravity. I see with my eyes, and my eyes know what they're seeing. I am just as much a failure as anyone else when it comes to being loving to all people. 

While I tend toward altruism, the reality is I also size people up. Sometimes my perception slips over the wobbly line into judgment. It's been a learning curve. I sometimes think that's why God has let my heart get broken in some of the ways it has. Nothing teaches you compassion like coming out of pain; making it through to the other side, where it no longer rules you. I have certainly messed up with no one to blame but myself. I have certainly been selfish, prideful, even hateful. It's been a process of learning to understand God's heart. 

I grew up thinking the way a lot of conservative Christians in the comfort of their white-bread world do: you got yourself into that mess, you might con me, or you're ignoring God...or really whatever other presumption you want to make about people whose lives aren't what we think they should be. The crazy thing is it doesn't matter what we think: God is gracious. 

I have been stuck on grace again in the last week or so. In recent years, I had to come to a place where it wrecked me, and made me a little queasy, almost, with how incomprehensible the concept is. Not that I'm not still blown away from time to time, but I am learning more about practical application. (God knows me so well; He's gotta grab my heart before He has a chance at my head.) What does it look like to choose grace? Or what does it look like to choose love?

I am a horribly inconsistent member of a sort of small group that meets at my church. We pray and then take coffee and cups into downtown to share some joe and the love of the Father. I'm inconsistent for who knows what reason, because every time I go I come back encouraged. Tonight was one of those nights. One particular man we talked to stands out. I could tell he just needed someone to listen. As we talked with him and heard about his life, I noted to myself the kindness of his face and that was when it first occurred to me our skin colors were important. 

I could have thought that I should stay home, where I'm comfortable - not approaching strangers downtown at night to strike up conversation. I could have drawn up a prejudice, clung to it, and never engaged the man. None of that happened. Instead, I got to do one of the most exciting things I ever find myself doing: speak the truth of God over someone's life. To get to look them in the eye, and with sureness in my core, say that their wrongs are overlooked; that they are loved. That is the God I know. One who reconciles, redeems, and pours out grace. 

I love moments like that because though it was simple, it was powerful. I say this not to verbally or publicly pat myself on the back (I attribute this to God working in me), but to express what I'm learning and that is this: that moment was sweet not only because that man needed to hear truth spoken to him, but he needed to be valued by strangers, innately trusted by strangers, shown dignity. To me it was significant in a bittersweet way; that it even had to matter that I was a white woman talking to a black man on a sidewalk downtown Minneapolis after dark. Yet that's exactly what stood out to me. The reason it's not an attempt to tout myself is that it's not me: it's grace. That was special in part because that's what Jesus was all about: show everyone love. 

And it's crazy how fear melts, prejudice doesn't rear its ugly head - but you simply see a person as loved by God, and listen to their story, then speak to them love. 

While I would've ended there, I feel I must say as a caveat of sorts: I also do not tell this story to say I ignored my judgment by going out. I know and have known many Christians who would think that that is dangerous behavior on several accounts (whether race, or safety, or whatever else). I think truly living out the love of Jesus doesn't come without risk -- in the world's eyes. 

A friend asked advice this week on facebook, about a man she saw who had a nice smart phone and expensive headphones, along with his sign pleading for "help". Of course in this age, the post drummed up the usual ignorant responses from a comfortable white world, so I couldn't help but chime in. My closing retort was only this: Jesus wasn't worried about getting taken advantage of, or hanging out with the "wrong" people. He went so far as to the cross, to die a death He did not deserve, among criminals, to show us compassion born of love.

So why be afraid to give to someone? Why not go for a walk and share a cup of coffee and the message of love, with someone different from you? The more you sink into the concepts of boundless love and grace, the more easily it will launch you unafraid into territory you may never have expected.