Then I go back, always the same, to wondering how in the hell would I ever do this again? In the past, I wanted to want to marry someone, just because we were together. Now, I wanted to be with and build a life with him, I began seeing the way we were in each others' lives as beginning to build a shared life. I saw someone I trusted to share well in life's challenges, who gave me comfort and support and laughter, who shined a light on my dark days.
There are many reasons and yet no clear one as to why we are not anymore. Maybe that makes it hardest of all. He was there and present, loving me so well, I never thought there was a major plot twist coming. It's like all my systems cannot process the change in course.
And I believe that love stays. I value the trust that I've earned, the person who I love...I just don't know my place, anymore. The one that he wants, not whatever one he thinks I should have.
My damn heart keeps hoping. I'm so rooted in my gut, that I can't go in the direction of "shoulds". It's like I have to follow through, to the end of the path, or the fork, whichever it may be, to believe against her. It's not that she's never been wrong, that inner voice, it's that too many times I've doubted her and messed things up.
It does feel like I'm at a fork, and either path appears treacherous. There is no way without pain. I've sat here a few days. I'd started down one, but something didn't feel right. Maybe I'll just never learn how to not be loyal to a fault. I've tried before and it wasn't less painful, nor did it evidence being "right".
I suppose that's kind of how my gut-inner-voice works though. I'll sit here, at the split path, until she tells me the way. And I'll do my best to trust her, – and if she's wrong, I'll double back. But either way there is pain.