I have been avoiding my university email in-box since last week friday. I have a bit of a situation concerning my major and bunch of other crap, that had me sleeping very little friday or saturday nights. A majority of my life planning for the next 2 years was being dangled over a garbage can. I was freaking out just a little bit (sense the sarcasm? I do hope so).
I finally checked it, and there is a shred of hope that I won't have to push that little foot-pedal and toss my dreams on in...(following the metaphor still, I hope?). I've mainly been avoiding one email. A response to a very unpredictable professor that I wrote to "discuss" my grade (that I couldn't argue my way out of if I tried, but may have to try nonetheless). It's still sitting there. I have not yet the courage to open her response. She seems pretty nice, but she's also a former journalist...so there's that whole cut-throat, newsroom thing. I hate begging. And I don't condone lying, therefore...I'm fresh out of ideas, if she DOES even bother to meet with me!
And of course, this happens on one of the few times my mom goes out of town. The very day she left. The one person who I really count on to go to when I have a problem, who'll literally just listen and give me a hug. No forceful advice, or disappointment in me (because this is really my fault, and it's a major fail), - she just listens, and lets me hug her as many times as I want, for as long as I want, pretty much whenever I want. I am currently stressed, and not only that I am hug-deprived. If you know me well, you know the stress is only half of why I didn't sleep well those two nights.
Okay, I am going to bite the bullet. Here goes.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Untitled 5-22-09
May 22, 2009
Who is living their dreams?
Everyone but me,
It seems,
How much water can I tread,
Before it rises o'er my head?
Then I wonder,
How long can I hold my breath?
How many is too many times,
When cheating death?
This life isn't a game,
But if you don't have a name,
Backing what you do,
The world seems to see nothing in you,
I have to look at what I want,
And not care what they say,
But that means I have to figure out,
What I want,
Someday,
To be lost,
Is unacceptable,
To be found,
Is unbelievable,
To be open,
Is unpredictable,
To be stuck,
Is unbearable,
When will my feet again hit the trail,
For my soul is weary and my strength is frail,
I guess I can only hold my breath,
Til the moment is right,
To step off the branch and take flight.
Who is living their dreams?
Everyone but me,
It seems,
How much water can I tread,
Before it rises o'er my head?
Then I wonder,
How long can I hold my breath?
How many is too many times,
When cheating death?
This life isn't a game,
But if you don't have a name,
Backing what you do,
The world seems to see nothing in you,
I have to look at what I want,
And not care what they say,
But that means I have to figure out,
What I want,
Someday,
To be lost,
Is unacceptable,
To be found,
Is unbelievable,
To be open,
Is unpredictable,
To be stuck,
Is unbearable,
When will my feet again hit the trail,
For my soul is weary and my strength is frail,
I guess I can only hold my breath,
Til the moment is right,
To step off the branch and take flight.
Too Easy to Dream?
Is it too easy,
To even dream,
About you,
And how you'd seem,
So madly in love with me,
And I'd,
Stay by your side,
And hold your hand so tight,
And gaze into the night,
It's just too easy,
Why even dream at all?
When it builds my hopes so tall,
And nothing turns out how,
I dreamed about it now,
So why make my heart to break,
As it crashes in the wake of my,
Endless rushing streams,
Of already broken dreams?
To even dream,
About you,
And how you'd seem,
So madly in love with me,
And I'd,
Stay by your side,
And hold your hand so tight,
And gaze into the night,
It's just too easy,
Why even dream at all?
When it builds my hopes so tall,
And nothing turns out how,
I dreamed about it now,
So why make my heart to break,
As it crashes in the wake of my,
Endless rushing streams,
Of already broken dreams?
Friday, May 22, 2009
Maybe . . . take a breather?
I'm wondering if maybe I'm just too young to care. Maybe I need to fall into a hole, and be pulled out first, before I can care. It makes me wonder, though, where is the line between freedom and recklessness? The line between apathy and refusing to be held down by fear?
I feel like I lack ambition, the only things I have ambition for are things that seem to be too much a fairytale to even bother thinking about. Now, even more so.
I want to change my mind, but something in my humanness tells me that people would judge me, and that that judgment would be too scary. But when it comes down to it, who cares? But that's what gets me into these messes in the first place, "who cares?".
I guess maybe I'm just too immature to make any kind of life decisions right now. Maybe I should just get a double major, some more education might set me right, right? Probably not. I feel like dropping out and becoming a nomad. I could contentedly work in a coffee shop for a few years, without many bills, it pays em.
No. I mean I really could be happy doing something like that, but it just reminds me that I do have at least one ambition. To be something more than I am, and to do it quickly. That might be my mistake.
I feel like I lack ambition, the only things I have ambition for are things that seem to be too much a fairytale to even bother thinking about. Now, even more so.
I want to change my mind, but something in my humanness tells me that people would judge me, and that that judgment would be too scary. But when it comes down to it, who cares? But that's what gets me into these messes in the first place, "who cares?".
I guess maybe I'm just too immature to make any kind of life decisions right now. Maybe I should just get a double major, some more education might set me right, right? Probably not. I feel like dropping out and becoming a nomad. I could contentedly work in a coffee shop for a few years, without many bills, it pays em.
No. I mean I really could be happy doing something like that, but it just reminds me that I do have at least one ambition. To be something more than I am, and to do it quickly. That might be my mistake.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Brain Mush Coma: A Finals After State
I am in the coma after state of finals. I always get that way, no matter the level of difficult (or lack thereof) in a semester. I get kinda zoney, and loopy. My brain takes a vacation for a bit. I start to say things that are even more stupid than my usual.
It's kind of nice though, because there aren't a whole lot of times when I can get my mind to just mellow out. This time is almost one of those times. Naps, and random tv, and the days after the end of a semester. When my brain downshifts from 5th gear, straight to 1st; it is beautiful. Relaxing.
I've been on an instrumental music kick, as of late. I just toss on my Pandora, and chill out, write if possible. It's so relaxing. I would've never thought 2 years ago I would like any kind of instrumental rock, but I love it!
I am looking forward to tomorrow. Cranking up the tunes, and cleaning my room! Baking some banana bread. A little bit of my take-home work...actually, all of it. Haha, that can be procrastinated on too.
I have so much to do tomorrow, and still a really packed week, but ahhhhh the beauty of the freedom from school! I am looking forward to it, letting my brain get mushy for a while.
It's kind of nice though, because there aren't a whole lot of times when I can get my mind to just mellow out. This time is almost one of those times. Naps, and random tv, and the days after the end of a semester. When my brain downshifts from 5th gear, straight to 1st; it is beautiful. Relaxing.
I've been on an instrumental music kick, as of late. I just toss on my Pandora, and chill out, write if possible. It's so relaxing. I would've never thought 2 years ago I would like any kind of instrumental rock, but I love it!
I am looking forward to tomorrow. Cranking up the tunes, and cleaning my room! Baking some banana bread. A little bit of my take-home work...actually, all of it. Haha, that can be procrastinated on too.
I have so much to do tomorrow, and still a really packed week, but ahhhhh the beauty of the freedom from school! I am looking forward to it, letting my brain get mushy for a while.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Keane && Mat Kearney
Pretty much verbatim from my journal (kind of lazy, but oh well):
Carrie and I went to the concert yesterday, it was pure awesome! Talented musicians! First off, we got there at 6:15, doors open at 7, and show starts at 8. Totally worth statnding in the rain without an umbrella for. We were like 3 people back. The opening band was called The Helio Sequence. They were 2 guys and a computer; a drummer, and a singer-guitarist. They were good, mostly because they really played off one another, and coexisted I guess you could say (2 AM language, there), also they were definitely passionate about it. The drummer was weird though, he moved his mouth opened and closed like he was taking a huge bite out of something. I realized after one song that he reminded me of animal from the muppets. Eerily similar.
Then Mat Kearney came on! He was awesome as before, except this time i was MAYBE 25 feet away. Probably less. He played 6 songs from his first album, his latest single, and the rest were new. He played piano for "All I Need", and I swearing during it he and I locked eyes for like 20 seconds straight~ I kid not. I don't make this stuff up. I got at least one good pic of him looking right into the camera! So great. He was wearing what I think was a fedora. He's just a cute man, awesome musician.
Then, Keane came on and they were sick! I mean they just tore it up, on there. After the first song the main singer said it was good to be back in Minnesota, and that the crowd should just sing their hearts out. So everybody was singing along with him. He was totally feeding off the crowd, dancing around, offerring the mic to the crowd to sing the chorus on more than one occasion. He even came really close for us to take photos; I got a good one of him looking right into the camera, too! They were so much fun.
I am so fascinated with music and musicians because it is so awesome to me, and I can't understand it. I get the art of it, but not the science. The technicalities I can't get, but the passion I do. I think that mystery is part of what makes a concert so cool, the other part being watching somebody who is so passionate about it. It's cool to watch them literally play off one another, and figuratively harmonize. It's so great, the way they relate. Totally rocking out, and trying to read each others' vibes, and incorporate that sort of musical conversation they've got going.
So cool. Like I said, so fascinated with music. Love it.
Carrie and I went to the concert yesterday, it was pure awesome! Talented musicians! First off, we got there at 6:15, doors open at 7, and show starts at 8. Totally worth statnding in the rain without an umbrella for. We were like 3 people back. The opening band was called The Helio Sequence. They were 2 guys and a computer; a drummer, and a singer-guitarist. They were good, mostly because they really played off one another, and coexisted I guess you could say (2 AM language, there), also they were definitely passionate about it. The drummer was weird though, he moved his mouth opened and closed like he was taking a huge bite out of something. I realized after one song that he reminded me of animal from the muppets. Eerily similar.
Then Mat Kearney came on! He was awesome as before, except this time i was MAYBE 25 feet away. Probably less. He played 6 songs from his first album, his latest single, and the rest were new. He played piano for "All I Need", and I swearing during it he and I locked eyes for like 20 seconds straight~ I kid not. I don't make this stuff up. I got at least one good pic of him looking right into the camera! So great. He was wearing what I think was a fedora. He's just a cute man, awesome musician.
Then, Keane came on and they were sick! I mean they just tore it up, on there. After the first song the main singer said it was good to be back in Minnesota, and that the crowd should just sing their hearts out. So everybody was singing along with him. He was totally feeding off the crowd, dancing around, offerring the mic to the crowd to sing the chorus on more than one occasion. He even came really close for us to take photos; I got a good one of him looking right into the camera, too! They were so much fun.
I am so fascinated with music and musicians because it is so awesome to me, and I can't understand it. I get the art of it, but not the science. The technicalities I can't get, but the passion I do. I think that mystery is part of what makes a concert so cool, the other part being watching somebody who is so passionate about it. It's cool to watch them literally play off one another, and figuratively harmonize. It's so great, the way they relate. Totally rocking out, and trying to read each others' vibes, and incorporate that sort of musical conversation they've got going.
So cool. Like I said, so fascinated with music. Love it.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Stupidity Looms
stupidity looms itself,
over my weary head,
recounting all the things i've said,
wondering what i've done wrong,
and if this is going to take long,
asking myself if i can do it,
and will it be worth it to go through it,
am i allowed to change my mind again?
what will it mean then?
if i don't know where i'm going,
but i know that for now i've stopped,
can i get back the ball i dropped?
i hate this fork in the road,
that's got me lost,
when i thought i was found;
i thought i was fine,
should i be buying time instead of killing it?
when i've got an empty head,
and none of this is filling it?
what am i doing here?
nothing right, - i fear,
what have i gotten into,
was i really listening to You?
over my weary head,
recounting all the things i've said,
wondering what i've done wrong,
and if this is going to take long,
asking myself if i can do it,
and will it be worth it to go through it,
am i allowed to change my mind again?
what will it mean then?
if i don't know where i'm going,
but i know that for now i've stopped,
can i get back the ball i dropped?
i hate this fork in the road,
that's got me lost,
when i thought i was found;
i thought i was fine,
should i be buying time instead of killing it?
when i've got an empty head,
and none of this is filling it?
what am i doing here?
nothing right, - i fear,
what have i gotten into,
was i really listening to You?
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
It Was a Skirt Day
Wow! I have not blogged in forever, it seems. I have not written anything in quite a while, songs or poetry, basically anything creative. That is saddening.
40 minutes of my life just flew by, and I don't know where they went. That always freaks me out.
I had a lot of tacos this week. Lots and lots of tacos. And yet, I am not sick of tacos. Yum. I still have lots of tacos to eat. Haha. So many...i can't even say it anymore. Tacos.
Last week was, uh, kinda dull. That's harsh, it wasn't dull. Things happened. I just can't remember what, if anything significant. My semester finished, kind of oddly. It just felt like a sentence that trails off. (that IS fitting of my life, as I tend to do that...a lot, I've noticed.) I was kinda sad, for the two classes in which i actually talk to friends, and for the other two classes I actually enjoyed my time in.
It's going to be weird going in the summer, and then not being here in the fall. AHHHHH!!! Paris! Everything's coming together, so closed to finished with the app that was all due april 1st...stupid complications! At least they haven't cut me off, by some miracle of God. If I couldn't go until spring it wouldn't be the end of the world, but it WOULD feel like I'm never gonna go.
Lately I've found it ironic to wear my old long sleeved red christmas T from caribou. I don't really know why. I love all my old coffee shirts. I will never get rid of them!
Today was nice. I woke up, and reached over next to my bed to grab "Streams in the Desert" and started my day with a devotion. It was nice to set the tone for the day. I don't know why I don't do this more often, but it was nice to just chill in my bed and read it. The beginning verse really struck me, too, because it fits my life right now so well. I am so thankful for where I'm at with just about everything right now! Things are not perfect, they're never perfect, or even ideal, but I am so thankful.
What a great day? I got to see my three best friends all in one day, AND my mommy!! It's been a while since I've done that. I love those girls, I'd be a socially awkward, stressed out, depressed mess without them. That's not even an adequate description of what kind of mess I'd be, haha.
Also, it was a skirt day. When I was getting dressed, I just felt like wearing a skirt. It felt super girly, and at two points I was also wearing heels (and lookin' good i might add; i love those heels, they boost my height and my confidence). It was a skirt day.
Today was just a nice day. Nice todays make me look forward to nice tomorrows.
Ahhhhh, MAT KEARNEY! I am going to see him friday. That's all for now.
40 minutes of my life just flew by, and I don't know where they went. That always freaks me out.
I had a lot of tacos this week. Lots and lots of tacos. And yet, I am not sick of tacos. Yum. I still have lots of tacos to eat. Haha. So many...i can't even say it anymore. Tacos.
Last week was, uh, kinda dull. That's harsh, it wasn't dull. Things happened. I just can't remember what, if anything significant. My semester finished, kind of oddly. It just felt like a sentence that trails off. (that IS fitting of my life, as I tend to do that...a lot, I've noticed.) I was kinda sad, for the two classes in which i actually talk to friends, and for the other two classes I actually enjoyed my time in.
It's going to be weird going in the summer, and then not being here in the fall. AHHHHH!!! Paris! Everything's coming together, so closed to finished with the app that was all due april 1st...stupid complications! At least they haven't cut me off, by some miracle of God. If I couldn't go until spring it wouldn't be the end of the world, but it WOULD feel like I'm never gonna go.
Lately I've found it ironic to wear my old long sleeved red christmas T from caribou. I don't really know why. I love all my old coffee shirts. I will never get rid of them!
Today was nice. I woke up, and reached over next to my bed to grab "Streams in the Desert" and started my day with a devotion. It was nice to set the tone for the day. I don't know why I don't do this more often, but it was nice to just chill in my bed and read it. The beginning verse really struck me, too, because it fits my life right now so well. I am so thankful for where I'm at with just about everything right now! Things are not perfect, they're never perfect, or even ideal, but I am so thankful.
What a great day? I got to see my three best friends all in one day, AND my mommy!! It's been a while since I've done that. I love those girls, I'd be a socially awkward, stressed out, depressed mess without them. That's not even an adequate description of what kind of mess I'd be, haha.
Also, it was a skirt day. When I was getting dressed, I just felt like wearing a skirt. It felt super girly, and at two points I was also wearing heels (and lookin' good i might add; i love those heels, they boost my height and my confidence). It was a skirt day.
Today was just a nice day. Nice todays make me look forward to nice tomorrows.
Ahhhhh, MAT KEARNEY! I am going to see him friday. That's all for now.
Monday, May 04, 2009
C'est Dommage
It's 2 AM. I have a blank word document sitting in front of me. And although I am a master-procrastinator, I am even a little disgusted with myself. A single page. I hate this book. I am finished with it, I would like it to stay that way. I know I am gonna be so ready to sleep in like an hour. It won't even take me that long. Why I am so afraid to start this paper? Oh yeah, I hate this book and don't really know what to say about it, even if the topics are laid out right in front of me.
Enough, even if it sucks, I'm just gonna do it. I may be good at BSing lit papers, but I've never BSed a lit paper in french...
Enough, even if it sucks, I'm just gonna do it. I may be good at BSing lit papers, but I've never BSed a lit paper in french...
Sunday, May 03, 2009
Where I Might Have Been
Just went for an extra long walk, cause my dog is at my parents' house. I wanted to photograph, because I have not (for kicks) in quite some time, it seems. While I was walking around I was thinking about how much I love where I live. How blessed I have been throughout this semester, to have ended up here.
There are at least 4 crazy things about this apartment; so-called coincidences, or facets of its location that just make it awesome. When I think about moving out of it, I get sad. I really love it, I'm so comfortable here.
But again, on the notion of how everything fell into place and the location being perfect, I know I'm in the right place. I've kind of been thinking about how different things are than I imagined, how different my life is. It's not as picturesque, but I don't care an ounce. It doesn't distress me anymore to think about the fact that I could've been living in california right now. It wouldn't be this good. I could be going to [my former dream] art school, but it wouldn't be this good. My life could've been way different, but it's really good just the way it is.
There are at least 4 crazy things about this apartment; so-called coincidences, or facets of its location that just make it awesome. When I think about moving out of it, I get sad. I really love it, I'm so comfortable here.
But again, on the notion of how everything fell into place and the location being perfect, I know I'm in the right place. I've kind of been thinking about how different things are than I imagined, how different my life is. It's not as picturesque, but I don't care an ounce. It doesn't distress me anymore to think about the fact that I could've been living in california right now. It wouldn't be this good. I could be going to [my former dream] art school, but it wouldn't be this good. My life could've been way different, but it's really good just the way it is.
Space Cadet...blast off!
I want to brush my teeth, - I have cigar breath. I had one today, too, - my family did a clean up of our garage after 21 years. Random fact: I am 18.
My head is kind of spacey right now, - I am a space cadet. I am excited to sleep SOON!
I have just been realizing how everything has been falling into place, even though it has been in shambles. Shambles that manage to work. Things have been really good amidst a big sea of poo. That is my 2AM way of describing this revelation that would otherwise be poetic, possibly.
The semester is almost over. I can soon say I survived my first semester at the U of M! Whether or not I get the needed GPA...well that is completely unbeknownst. Apparently unbeknownst is not a word...I could have sworn that was a word...
I am trying to catch up Keane currently, despite my latest addiction being The Shins. Oh the conflicts within me! Haha, at least it's music and not something more intense! I didn't even know they (keane) had a new album, so I only know the first one! Now I am forced to prepare for the concert I will be going to in 13 days!! I am so excited. But i need to absorb this music.
I also need to sleep.
(Pardon the strangeness, I am still running off of last night's 5 hours of sleep, and today's 2 benadryl, cup of half-caf, and 2 cups of tea, as well as being subjected to boundless mold and other fungi)
My head is kind of spacey right now, - I am a space cadet. I am excited to sleep SOON!
I have just been realizing how everything has been falling into place, even though it has been in shambles. Shambles that manage to work. Things have been really good amidst a big sea of poo. That is my 2AM way of describing this revelation that would otherwise be poetic, possibly.
The semester is almost over. I can soon say I survived my first semester at the U of M! Whether or not I get the needed GPA...well that is completely unbeknownst. Apparently unbeknownst is not a word...I could have sworn that was a word...
I am trying to catch up Keane currently, despite my latest addiction being The Shins. Oh the conflicts within me! Haha, at least it's music and not something more intense! I didn't even know they (keane) had a new album, so I only know the first one! Now I am forced to prepare for the concert I will be going to in 13 days!! I am so excited. But i need to absorb this music.
I also need to sleep.
(Pardon the strangeness, I am still running off of last night's 5 hours of sleep, and today's 2 benadryl, cup of half-caf, and 2 cups of tea, as well as being subjected to boundless mold and other fungi)
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