It's coming up on a year and I feel all sorts of confused. I continue to be in this strange, disorienting limbo. I openly talk about and make light of all the woes of dating because I don't really want to be doing it. I know that I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life just because what I thought was the big love of my life actually destroyed me. But as it turns out, it's incredibly difficult to heal from that destruction. And it's incredibly terrifying to think of letting anyone try for that with me again. I can't fathom trusting someone. I'm in disbelief that anyone will make the memories fade to the background.
I've always prided myself on knowing how to sift through it all in dating. Sure, there are awkward moments or things that are hard to say, but I've always been able to tell when someone isn't for me. Aside from intentional questions and keen observation, usually there's this undeniable sense in my gut. I can't feel that anymore. Some men seem kind, smart, funny, are attractive, and have it together, but I feel nothing at all. I find myself lost in not knowing what to do. For the first time in my life, I know without a doubt I am scared to be vulnerable. Not even just scared, I don't want to and I don't feel it. I'm scared in general. It's almost like I don't even know how to take dating seriously because I'm just...broken. I was the most vulnerable I've ever been toward someone and it broke me.
Yet, I try because I'm lonely and because I think, maybe somehow someday I'll find a way to be open. Maybe I'll strike luck and someone truly good will find me. But I don't really believe that. And I don't know anymore how I'd recognize that. Even the kindest are capable of changing you with their hurt. Then I think, maybe I'll just wait for someone to fall for me, then I'll see if I want them too. Though my integrity would never let me do that!
My feelings feel the same as they did a year ago and I don't really want to wait for them to change if they haven't in that long. Yet I don't know if or when my gut will speak to me again. Maybe it's still in shock, too. I'm confused, lonely, exhausted, and scared, nearly a year later.
