Haunting

The other day, my friend tried to set me up with a guy. Sort of. He showed up to lunch with us wearing my favorite shirt of Shawn's. Not just any old Target shirt, or something - a very specific t-shirt-sleeved button down with tiny beige flowers all over and those pearl-like buttons.

The next day, Facebook drew my attention to a memory; a picture of the ex, his ex, and me, all in an awkward row at thanksgiving nine years before present. Another of my mom holding their daughter as a baby, seven years back. Spooky.

I felt proud to go a few measly hours without thinking of him, and without feeling like something's missing. Usually like two or three is something to be proud of. I headed home tonight and thought about this being the life I live - 10 minutes to home from my favorite dive bar, out seeing some cute guy play in a band, then going home at nearly midnight, a little buzz on a 'school night'. All the while knowing, he is fast asleep hundreds of miles from reach. No buzz, no band, likely no thoughts of me, and for more than a few hours...

Often, I miss his head - of all things! I see pictures of him or us, and I just want to wrap my arms around his head, hold it to my chest, tousle his soft, yet wiry locks. And I miss his nose. Sometimes I'd run my index finger down its bridge, starting between his bushy brows and skipping off its end like a ski slope, landing on his top, then bottom lip. He'd just let me, not even a question asked.

I miss his smile. Though I didn't see it in all its unbridled glory too many times, when I did, it lit my heart on fire. His laugh! Oh, his laugh...

I miss his gaze. The one where I knew he was absolutely vexed by me, in that moment. It was accompanied by a soft smirk of astonishment. I'd kiss the apple of his cheek, just above the treeline that was his beard. It always seemed like the best place, wanton.

And I circle round and round, why it is no more. Why such torture and longing...why such deep fancy, mutually displaced by differing convictions.

And, of this, I'd tell him: "I guess this is what you get, for dating a writer."

Dating is a Sh-t Show

It is. (And hey, I got you reading, didn't I?) And I think I might be bitter...

I went all these years without dating anyone, and then when I did it was awesome, but it couldn't last. And everyone's response is all about how there's something better out there for me, or I shouldn't "settle". I guess I didn't know I was...settling. I never thought he was somehow less than deserving of my time - actually, I thought he was immensely worth my time, so I spent a lot of it with him.

It's so damn complicated. I managed to fall in love with somebody that I never got tired of being with; could talk to about anything; was up for almost any random thing that came into my head; could cook; that I found really attractive -- and it was mutual; was honest; we communicated easily. We kind of couldn't get enough of each other. Maybe that's naive and not enough, but that is what I'd always wanted in a relationship, a best friend that I'd never grow tired of.

But as if it's not hard enough to find a guy who (all personal preference here) doesn't waste his spare time on video games, isn't obsessed with football, is a self-sufficient adult, serves others well, showers regularly, knows how to cook real meals, doesn't have basic white bro taste in music, has an idea of what he wants to do in life, is respectful, is self-aware, and is passionate about his faith -- that's not hard enough, I've gotta find that guy that also shares the same understanding and passion that I do about what exactly that faith looks like.

Right. Okay...go?

I write this pithy and honest, but I also feel strangely on the brink of tears in a coffee shop. Maybe because it's too soon. Maybe because there's an early-aughts playlist of peppy songs by emo punk bands about the one that got away loudly interrupting my every thought. Maybe this is my stage of bitterness because I don't understand it yet and I'm not all that convinced that it would've been settling. In fact, I'm more concerned that anything else in the future will feel like settling (words I do and don't hope I regret writing).

So it is with nearly complete apathy that I've begun to notice guys again. I've begun the search again. When just over a year ago I was a-okay being single old me, now I feel out of place in everything, my confidence is apparently on sabbatical, and I'm painfully doubtful I'll ever find something I like as much as what I had.

There is no neat and tidy cute way to wrap this up, which is the exact point. There is no telling that it's for the better, or someone else is out there, or whatever platitude. Dating kind of sucks, and when you're not in it, its pains are easily forgotten.

Present, All-Sufficient, & Abundant

**Disclaimer: This piece was written pre-deconstruction of religious beliefs and faith system. Many of these beliefs inform the sentiments of the writing and are not in alignment with my values. As this is a part of my journey and an extensive blog over years, I have chosen not to remove a majority of my posts written on faith. Please as a reader, take this into consideration and take what works for you, leave what does not. I also apologize for any harm my words from this past perspective may cause to any readers.**

He just indignantly kept saying he had all he needed. And I think maybe that is true for him right now. Maybe right now, there is enough. But sometimes, there comes a time when there isn't enough; when it doesn't feel like it and the simple knowledge that there is doesn't make the doubt of that truth disappear. 

Sometimes our feeble, fickle hearts need more to not grow weary, laying down and giving up the fight. I've felt like that; I'm an emotional person and, I daresay, I need God to be Lord over my emotions and to interact in them. They don't just go away nor can I simply discount them, but as real as they are to me, I know there is another reality that they don't always pick up on. 

I've spent months of my life trying to explain to my best friend what it means to be spiritually engaged in faith - not in any romantic sense, not with another, but within yourself. And my spirit can be swayed by both my heart and mind. Even with a mind full of truth, my heart is still capable of discouragement that can be paralyzing, it's still capable of doubt that can breed discouragement, it's still capable of self-preservation which shuts out others for my own sake. I need God to interact with that place in me because in my life it is a motivator, whether at times good or bad, true or deceiving. 

I can't escape the thought that that's written into His very story. He came that we would have life abundantly, through His death and resurrection to life [everlasting]! And that moves me, at times motivates me, and settles my heart into peace. I don't always know peace with a close familiarity, I am human after all. Especially right now, I can't say I know a comforting peace. My heart is anxious and low, doubtful and discouraged, and I'm having trouble reconciling my circumstances to His truth. The beauty is: in that wreckage is the perfect place for my great and mighty Yaweh to come and dwell. The bible says He is near to the brokenhearted. 

A part of me has quietly wondered if that was the purpose of it all, in my life, that God would have a place to be nearer to me than there's recently been space for Him to be. I say 'quietly wondered', because I don't like to believe that God causes pain in our lives. Plain and simple, that's not a pillar of my beliefs about Him. I think evil is rampant in this world, and I long for God to pull me from every pit I may stumble or be pushed into, because He is the All-Sufficient, Almighty One who never leaves me; because that is the Truth.

In Hebrews 11, it says that Abraham placed the very conduit through which he was expectant to receive God's promise to him on the altar, because "he reasoned" that God could raise the dead. And in Romans Paul tells that even before the promised son existed, Abraham believed - against all hope - and that that faith was credited to him as righteousness:

"Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, 'So shall your offspring be.' Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead—since he was about a hundred years old—and that Sarah’s womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised. This is why 'it was credited to him as righteousness.' The words 'it was credited to him' were written not for him alone, but also for us, to whom God will credit righteousness—for us who believe in him who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead." (Romans 4:18-24, NIV)

Abraham believed against all hope that God had power to do what He promised.

I was flabbergasted and tearful when I read up on the use of the word "LORD" (in the NIV) and stumbled on an explanation of "Lord Almighty" as well. The latter is where the name 'El Shaddai' would be used. It held the meaning of an all-powerful, all-sufficient God, one who is all-bountiful and sustains. Whereas, LORD, spelled out in capitals, was to avoid the use of 'YWH' which stood for Yaweh. That name was the one God gave of Himself and it meant, "I am that I am" or simply as we sometimes say, "I am". I read that it connoted a present God. Those two things astonished me. God is not only present and is, but is all-sufficient and all-powerful. That is my God.

I can't help but look at these two things and think that I can be fully trusting in Him in spite of my circumstance looking different than I anticipated a year ago, and in the same breath I can trust that He is present, and will not leave me wanting for what He's spoken. No matter what it looks like, I can hope against all hope, I can hunger to see more of His sufficient bounty, and my heart will be satisfied. I know who He is, and I just can't get enough.

It Was Still Meant To Be

I think I had to love him. There was no other way. 

I mean, I got to, but it was bound to be a part of my story. And figuring out what to do with that love now is confusing and unclear, because life doesn't always jive with matters of the heart. Sometimes it's completely unfair because it draws you into something you can't have, but you do. Your path crosses with someone else's and you can't help but walk with that someone for a while. And that walk may be grand, - it may be all sorts of things, including short, shorter than you'd like. 

But if you've had that love, it may just have had to be a part of your walk. That helps me to sort through my feelings now, because the love doesn't just go away. If it's good and it's deep, it doesn't have to be cultivated forever to be an important part of my story, and I believe, a part of his, too. I felt privileged to love him and privileged to be his. 

It had to happen.