It is. (And hey, I got you reading, didn't I?) And I think I might be bitter...
I went all these years without dating anyone, and then when I did it was awesome, but it couldn't last. And everyone's response is all about how there's something better out there for me, or I shouldn't "settle". I guess I didn't know I was...settling. I never thought he was somehow less than deserving of my time - actually, I thought he was immensely worth my time, so I spent a lot of it with him.
It's so damn complicated. I managed to fall in love with somebody that I never got tired of being with; could talk to about anything; was up for almost any random thing that came into my head; could cook; that I found really attractive -- and it was mutual; was honest; we communicated easily. We kind of couldn't get enough of each other. Maybe that's naive and not enough, but that is what I'd always wanted in a relationship, a best friend that I'd never grow tired of.
But as if it's not hard enough to find a guy who (all personal preference here) doesn't waste his spare time on video games, isn't obsessed with football, is a self-sufficient adult, serves others well, showers regularly, knows how to cook real meals, doesn't have basic white bro taste in music, has an idea of what he wants to do in life, is respectful, is self-aware, and is passionate about his faith -- that's not hard enough, I've gotta find that guy that also shares the same understanding and passion that I do about what exactly that faith looks like.
Right. Okay...go?
I write this pithy and honest, but I also feel strangely on the brink of tears in a coffee shop. Maybe because it's too soon. Maybe because there's an early-aughts playlist of peppy songs by emo punk bands about the one that got away loudly interrupting my every thought. Maybe this is my stage of bitterness because I don't understand it yet and I'm not all that convinced that it would've been settling. In fact, I'm more concerned that anything else in the future will feel like settling (words I do and don't hope I regret writing).
So it is with nearly complete apathy that I've begun to notice guys again. I've begun the search again. When just over a year ago I was a-okay being single old me, now I feel out of place in everything, my confidence is apparently on sabbatical, and I'm painfully doubtful I'll ever find something I like as much as what I had.
There is no neat and tidy cute way to wrap this up, which is the exact point. There is no telling that it's for the better, or someone else is out there, or whatever platitude. Dating kind of sucks, and when you're not in it, its pains are easily forgotten.
