I am in this really strange limbo in regards to my feelings toward being single. (I tend to stray from writing about it for fear of coming off as pathetic.) The older I get, the more I learn to like it; the more I'm happy that I'm figuring myself out, by myself and I don't need the "help" of a significant other to do that. The more I go through infatuations, the more my taste is refined. There are ebbs and flows, from the moping due to lack of a movie-watching cuddle-buddy, to decidedly deciding that I don't care if I ever "meet somebody"!
Lately it's been: "I just really want to go on a date." It's a boredom stage more than anything, because you see it's not quite so simple as some silly part of me makes it out to be. I don't really want to date.
A friend of mine suggested OkCupid. "You should just go on some dates," she said. Let me tell you, that place is disheartening! That's not to slam people for using it, by any means, it just didn't exactly encourage me in my half-hearted search in any way. It made me scared that having standards of any kind, never mind factoring in interest or attraction, is an impossible feat. Anyway, I don't think e-dating is for me, evaluating the chemistry is too important an initial factor.
Thankfully I am, what I like to call, Happily Picky. While I would love to just go on some dates, I have this nagging pragmatic side that knows it'd be a waste of time. I do not actually have interest in dating random people, for the heck of it. Don't get me wrong, I love meeting people, getting to know them, that's all well and good, but slap the label of a date on it and it changes everything. I'm not afraid to talk to men, in fact I'm an excellent flirt, when it doesn't count. But when I'm interested, nearly all self-confidence tries to leave...usually via the shakes. This had me thinking maybe I could try some dates in an effort to challenge myself, but it'd still be unfair because I know myself well enough to know when it's just not happening. And when it is, I'm nervous as hell.
Whenever anyone inquires as to "what you're looking for", they always seem to follow it with some solid criticism that, "If you don't want to be single you..." might have lower those standards. Forever. Lower my standards forever, or be single forever. (I can already smell the kick-backs of, "Well, not your standards, just some things..." Even then.)
But then, the question really is: do I not want to be single, though? No, I'm okay...but I could go on a date.
