I had a little realization just now. I haven't written much in the past month or so, as things with my ex partner were on review. After it just recently took another turn for the worse, I've had a lot on my heart and mind.
I was sitting here reading content from some of the many therapists I follow on social media, when something clicked: I want to be with someone who values what I do. See, I was reading about the intentional practice of empathy, vulnerability, and emotional wayfinding, when I realized this is who I've always longed to be and set my course on. I value being intentional in life, and while yes, sometimes my emotions get the best of me and I am reactive instead (I am human), I have my heart and mind set on becoming a better version of myself.
Depression knocked me off that path for a long while. I struggled along, still trying, but it's incredibly difficult with no energy. I still long to get back on my way to being the next best version of myself. It will come when it can, but the realization came in part because I did not experience these values shared from my ex-partner in the end. Even if at the end, it is an end, why not choose to be kind and clear as to why? Why not be vulnerable to face someone whose heart you're breaking? Why do things that contradict your claim? Why would the relationship's end alleviate you from decency?
The reality is, I want to be with someone who values those same things as much as I do. One who will strive to be a person of integrity even when it's scary and risky, and they might get hurt back. I want to be with someone who can sleep on it and find a better way to handle it. I want to be with someone who cares about the wake of their actions as much if not more than their self-preservation. I want to be with someone who doesn't play into my past wounds, but takes care not to further injure a scar or hit a bruise.
The words "I love you" don't matter if what's actually shown repeatedly is disregard.
I guess I am learning something valuable about myself: I cannot be the only one in a relationship to value empathy, kindness, integrity, and accountability.
