My Happy Place

A little jazz piano. Calms my soul.

Good thing I kind of hate living here, because in 42 days I will not be living here. Even though I've already decided it will be the most difficult ripping off of the band-aid...good thing Paris and I will be meeting, and most likely falling in love.

I'm thinking of slow-playing this new years. My plans fell through, and I don't completely mind. I don't feel like going out, getting rowdy or intoxicated...basically making a big deal. I just want to do something low-key.

I don't think I could care less about Obama. Or the political realm at all.

I actually sorta like the rain...but I fear the freeze. I have a really big fear of falling down. Which is stupid.

Thank God for good coworkers. If I didn't like my coworkers, I think the slow days as of late would have driven me out of my mind. If I'm not talking about everything, I'm laughing. Dunn Bros is still my happy place.

MSP to CDG: Overthought

I'm set to do something I completely believe in, but I think it will be the hardest thing I've done so far. Just getting on the plane.

On the drive home tonight, I was thinking about everything. And see, I wouldn't really say I'm an overly emotional person, but I have a lot of feelings and I'm an over-thinker. So I have all these feelings, and then when I get around to thinking about them (too much), that's when the emotions hit.

My best friend is getting married, and I won't be here. Another of my best friends is having a baby, and I won't be here. There's this guy...and I won't be here! Someone else I know, is having a baby and I won't be here! My friends will be living life, and I won't be here. My brother will be living life, and I won't be here (you can borrow my friends, Shayne...they're sorta yours too anyways).

I spent an hour driving around, crying - though not dramatically, as it sounds. Embarrassed? a little, despite the fact that I was alone.

I feel caught in this purgatory of
-knowing that this DTS is something I really want to do and is a life-altering thing, and
-knowing that there are a host of things I will be missing, leaving behind, loosening my grip on
...and it's scary. I'm fully committed, but a bit scared out of my wits.

What does it look like to take six months of my life and do this? What is it like when I come back? What if I don't want to come back? I think this is me freaking out a little bit and I can't fire giant rhetorical questions at myself (via blog!) It doesn't help.

Just know that I'm going to miss everything, like crazy and no one should try to convince me to stay because I don't want it to work. And right now, it might work.

I'd Never Known

I'd never known a despair,
Like the one that hung in the air,
The darkest of my life those days in september,
It only barely stings now to stop and remember,
Still the heavy weight of the hurt and the hate,
Is somewhere in my soul,
Wondering if I'll ever fill that hole,
To think of all the tears that I cried,
Because they never tried to think of me,
And where I'd be,
In the minutes, days, and weeks after what they said,
When I'd toil it over and over in my head,
Now in my heart a tender ache,
Only a fraction of the feeling,
An ongoing struggle of healing,
And I can never dwell too long,
On the things that I felt so strong,
I try not to think of how my heart broke,
Then I force myself to choke back tears again,
Though I cried plenty then,
Til my nose ran red,
I wish you knew what you said,
Could leave such a stain on me,
Then possibly we would be,
Somewhere different than we are now,
But I can't help to think how
Despite the pain you donned on me,
Without you I'm better than with you I'd be.

The Different One?

Every time, I think everything's just perfect! Then after, I see how it wasn't at all. This time, it really seems too good...but I just end up telling myself it's still going to end up the same way and that once I'm over it I'll see the holes. Even though a part of me thinks that's not true, - I just don't know if it's the stupidly optimistic, naively hopeful part of me; or the perceptive part.

One thing that I always tell myself does apply: this far, I've been greatly blessed. Which is the only way I can reconcile breaking my own quick-to-love, sentimental heart how I tend to do, every time.

Salvation

Ever realize you have headphones in, but aren't listening to anything? Nor were. Hmm...remedy, please!
...
Band: The Swell Season
Album: Strict Joy
...
The title the album is ironic, because I had such a horrible week. I felt so down in the dumps, so discouraged, so bored, so stagnant, and so drained. So not myself. So disillusioned with life. I am not that way at all; stupid daily tasks can be found enjoyable. I don't know what it was, but this week...

And so yesterday, I decided today was going to salvage the week. And maybe it didn't save the whole week, but it was a nice redemption of my typical spirit versus the shadowed one I donned this week.

Today, I felt the Lord. I found amusement. I found beauty. I shared great company. I laughed so much. I was embraced. I was seen for who I am. Today was so much better than what the week would've had it be.

If I stop to think about it, I'm slightly amazed by potlucks. I mean, you go to a party and a good amount of attendees brought a dish? Wow. That's kinda cool. Seems stupid, and so obvious, but to take your time energy and resources to feed a bunch of people [like me who could only partake], it's just cool. I tend to believe in the good in the world too much, then get discouraged when it fails to be present. But something as simple as a potluck, is really cool to me.

Tonight, I thought to myself, I never get to see my 3 pseudo-roommates together anymore. Tonight, they all stood in front of me, and just being around those ladies brings me joy! They're spectacular.

I don't know where I'd be without laughter. As horribly cliche as it sounds, it's healing. When I'm with people that find the same amusement in the same stupid, or pointless, or witty things that I do, - I don't know what else to say. That is my favorite thing. What is an argument? What is a competition? What is being the best but being it alone? Wasteful. Laughter is where it's at.

O Holy Night! I continue to love my church more and more, every sunday, and every day that I long and wait for sunday! That place is so awesome. I can't be more creative in explaining it, because the experience says it all. I find it hard to go to a service there and not be provoked to some sort of personal revelation. I am so thankful for the effect that place - those people! have had on my life!


Long lay the world, in sin and error pining,
Til He appeared, and the soul felt its worth!

What a day.

Defragmenting

I bought a giant poster of Paris to put on my wall and have something concrete for my visual mind to aspire to.

I've been really into pretzels lately...which is weird cause I kind of hate pretzels.

I worked today, like in high-gear for the first time in a while. It felt nice, I think. My hands bled on several occasions. [I cannot spell occasions without the help of spell check.]

I finally get around to saying, "What's the point in arguing about it? Can I just say that? It's stupid." and they all just look at me and start agreeing...that they weren't arguing. I leave.

I'm stuck in a rut. I listen to so much folksy music! I need less music that I can sleep to. I have way too many playlists that have some form of the word "sleep" in the title.

I think I hit "over-time" at work. Oops. What even happens?

This is a glimpse of how my brain functions. Or maybe a glimpse of how it de-fragments at the end of the day, but to a blog instead of a person. I just need to do it. Regardless of the fact that it serves almost no purpose, and does not fit the typical style of a blog. I need this. I need to let my brain rattle off some things...and now I'm gonna go watch a movie.

Relationships: You're Effortless

Over my single-dom, I have had both the good and bad fortune to listen to people's relationship problems. There have been times, several recently that I've found myself very discouraged by others' relationships. It's to the point of thinking, maybe never having one would be better, - which, if you knew me as well as I do, is very unlike me.

Essentially, I've come to a point where I both desire and fear romantic relationship. Maybe it's because I take it so seriously, that I don't just want to date to not be single; maybe that mindset makes the whole idea more heavy. But really, I feel like it's so seldom done well, that the idea of even taking a crack at it makes me nervous.

People are so much better at hurting each other, and putting themselves first than being in a healthy relationship. Man, I sound jaded and I've never even myself dated. Then I think, it can't be completely horrendous if I find someone who thinks like me, but that seems impossible. It seems like waiting for the kind of person you want leaves you with fermented eggs and watching Matthew McConaughey movies with your 7 cats.

I mean not to take this down a comedic road, so I'll set myself on track again...

The thing I came to realize tonight while in discussion with my best friend - thank the Lord for her - is that relationships are not stereotypical. We try to make them so, to make things "easier". But in all reality, each relationship is different.

There are far too many variables: who you are, who they are, your pasts, what you're going through now, what your expectations - goals - fears are for the future. There are so many factors that not one relationship is comparable to another! There are no real expectations, there's no real time-line, there's no real stencil to how it's done.

This revelation to an extent makes the whole thing that much more nerve-racking! It also made me breathe a little easier. That the advice people have, I can take or I can leave. The problems they have, will not be mine. The time they take or don't, will be different. The limitations and standards they have will not be the same. Everything will be what it is for me and whoever I'm with because there really is no standard measure. Not any relationship is the same as another.

"you're effortless, you know you are, and all i want to do, is let you lead me off into the dusk" - tired pony