I am sitting outside of Dunn Bros on 6th and University, and I just saw thee most awkwardly close tandem bike go by. Awkwardly close.
That was not how I was planning on starting this, but it just needed to be told...
I haven't drank straight espresso in a while, when I wanted to come here to abuse the internet, I figured I'd get something cheap. Blech, I don't know if it's because it was decaf, but not feeling it tonight. Usually I like it, but not right now.
How was today better than yesterday, when yesterday I was at the beach, and today I was at work?
Worked my longest shift in a while, today. 1:30-8:30. My feet hurt. I worked friday saturday and today. I clopened, as someone coined it. Closed friday, opened saturday. Then the BEAST shift today.
Both yesterday and today when I got home, my feet hurt! I gotta stop wearing flat shoes. It stinks though because it's been putting a major damper on my running. I have not been running. I ran once this week. I'm so horrible about keeping with a schedule, especially when my work schedule and sleep schedule AND eating schedule are all so random! Pooy.
I'm still gonna pretend like the half's happening in August, but I might end up waiting and doing a later one. I'm sure there's another in October or something. When it's not blazes hot out. Like I said though, August is still in the plan. We'll just see. If I still want to run up and down the stone arch, my run will be a little longer, so that might be helpful. We'll see.
I don't really have anything left in my brain. It just sorta stopped for a while. I think I'll go home and watch a movie. In the comfort of my [borrowed] papasan.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
The Lifeblood of My Writing
AHhh! I've missed writing good stuff! OKay, maybe what I think is good isn't even...but I miss writing stuff I like! I miss writing poetry that just comes out of me like a superspeed rant and says exactly what I want to, and how I feel. I miss it i miss it i miss it!
The interesting part is, if I don't have a lot of stuff going on in my relationships, I don't write a lot. I think that interactions are the lifeblood of my writing. And now that the semester's over, I feel like that's all that I have, and I like it. I feel like I've been getting to spend so much good time with people, and I want MORE! MORE MORE MORE! Haha.
I pack my days so full of people time, that alone/down time is from about 11pm-2am...yes. I'm a night owl. But the good thing is, usually that's when I write, too. Though lately I've been vegetating during those hours.
But going back to my previous thought about people and writing, I think this is why i've felt less connected to journalism. Or to reporting, anyways. It has not enough to do with inspiration, and with people. Yesterday, I was so inspired to start writing a novel. I didn't, and I forgot the idea, but that'll happen. Being that I'm a writer, and I'm absent minded a lot. But reporting maybe isn't my route of journalism. Something like reader's digest features, maybe, but not traffic stops and legislature (I HATE LEGISLATURE STORIES - writing them).
Anyways, here's looking forward to a summer of new poetry and would-be songs.
The interesting part is, if I don't have a lot of stuff going on in my relationships, I don't write a lot. I think that interactions are the lifeblood of my writing. And now that the semester's over, I feel like that's all that I have, and I like it. I feel like I've been getting to spend so much good time with people, and I want MORE! MORE MORE MORE! Haha.
I pack my days so full of people time, that alone/down time is from about 11pm-2am...yes. I'm a night owl. But the good thing is, usually that's when I write, too. Though lately I've been vegetating during those hours.
But going back to my previous thought about people and writing, I think this is why i've felt less connected to journalism. Or to reporting, anyways. It has not enough to do with inspiration, and with people. Yesterday, I was so inspired to start writing a novel. I didn't, and I forgot the idea, but that'll happen. Being that I'm a writer, and I'm absent minded a lot. But reporting maybe isn't my route of journalism. Something like reader's digest features, maybe, but not traffic stops and legislature (I HATE LEGISLATURE STORIES - writing them).
Anyways, here's looking forward to a summer of new poetry and would-be songs.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
What's Ever Really Mattered
I am the heart-on-sleeve sort of person. For the most part, there's not a whole lot I'm not willing to divulge if asked, - granted I feel the one inquiring won't turn on me, no matter how big or small the issue.
It's funny because I think of myself as really open, as stated (sorry, i'm redundant...a lot), but I come to a point where I decide whether or not to share my true heart. There are a lot of things to tell someone, that are involved in the true heart of a person; that really are at the core. Some things are dreams, hopes, interests, - whatever kinds of things, the kind that are less difficult (at least for me) to share.
But I feel like at the heart of me, the core the part you have to truly earn trust to get to is pain. I'm sure it's that way for a lot of people, as well as the nice stuff, the stuff I consider easy to blab about.
I get to this point, when I feel like it's been earned, that I can share my true heart. That core of me. Because as much as the happy things, and all the times I've ever laughed, and joked and smiled - as much as those things are important to me, I feel like the things that really make you in life are the ones that were the most painful.
People who know me, may feel like they know me pretty well, and why not? I post a status or a tweet every couple hours. I write blogs. I tell stories. I post pictures. And whatever else. Like I said, pretty open. But those people probably wouldn't look at me and say that I've experienced a lot of pain in my life. Whether or not I can say that, I don't even know. My question is, what's a lot?
I think this is interesting because you might think you really know someone, then you learn more of their story, and it changes them in your eyes. I've had this happen multiple times. And I'm sure the same has happened for people with me. I think when you get down to the nitty-gritty stuff, in the muck, and examine the scars (to be cliche), that's when you can relate to someone the best, even if you've never been through what they have.
A lot of people, even like me are really excellent about looking perfectly normal, happy-go-lucky, and fine like they've never cried a tear in their life, but everyone sees pain at some point in life. And I think that to know another person's pain is (weirdly) a deeply bonding thing.
I have this theory about relationships: it's not real (real meaningful, that is) until you can talk about your poop. Hear me out. Like pain, everybody poops, but nobody talks about it unless they're really comfortable with someone, unless that relationship is really solid. When you can talk about the crap in your life, that's a really meaningful relationship.
So sometimes, I look at someone and I think to myself, when should I talk about what's ever really mattered to me?
It's funny because I think of myself as really open, as stated (sorry, i'm redundant...a lot), but I come to a point where I decide whether or not to share my true heart. There are a lot of things to tell someone, that are involved in the true heart of a person; that really are at the core. Some things are dreams, hopes, interests, - whatever kinds of things, the kind that are less difficult (at least for me) to share.
But I feel like at the heart of me, the core the part you have to truly earn trust to get to is pain. I'm sure it's that way for a lot of people, as well as the nice stuff, the stuff I consider easy to blab about.
I get to this point, when I feel like it's been earned, that I can share my true heart. That core of me. Because as much as the happy things, and all the times I've ever laughed, and joked and smiled - as much as those things are important to me, I feel like the things that really make you in life are the ones that were the most painful.
People who know me, may feel like they know me pretty well, and why not? I post a status or a tweet every couple hours. I write blogs. I tell stories. I post pictures. And whatever else. Like I said, pretty open. But those people probably wouldn't look at me and say that I've experienced a lot of pain in my life. Whether or not I can say that, I don't even know. My question is, what's a lot?
I think this is interesting because you might think you really know someone, then you learn more of their story, and it changes them in your eyes. I've had this happen multiple times. And I'm sure the same has happened for people with me. I think when you get down to the nitty-gritty stuff, in the muck, and examine the scars (to be cliche), that's when you can relate to someone the best, even if you've never been through what they have.
A lot of people, even like me are really excellent about looking perfectly normal, happy-go-lucky, and fine like they've never cried a tear in their life, but everyone sees pain at some point in life. And I think that to know another person's pain is (weirdly) a deeply bonding thing.
I have this theory about relationships: it's not real (real meaningful, that is) until you can talk about your poop. Hear me out. Like pain, everybody poops, but nobody talks about it unless they're really comfortable with someone, unless that relationship is really solid. When you can talk about the crap in your life, that's a really meaningful relationship.
So sometimes, I look at someone and I think to myself, when should I talk about what's ever really mattered to me?
Friday, May 14, 2010
Tetris vs. Text-Twist....
So I've gotten a little bored of Tetris lately, because I've beat almost everyone on my friends list that plays it on facebook.
The only other internet game I can get stuck on playing is text twist. On good days, I have long streaks, on other days the game defeats me repeatedly. I got up to 40,000 or more on it just now, and I thought to myself I need to quit and go to sleep, but I'm on a hot streak...
and I went to close iTunes and just barely on accident closed the window of my game. Haha, God's telling me to go to sleep! So I got an all-time high score and I don't know what it is...I need a life.
And some sleep.
The only other internet game I can get stuck on playing is text twist. On good days, I have long streaks, on other days the game defeats me repeatedly. I got up to 40,000 or more on it just now, and I thought to myself I need to quit and go to sleep, but I'm on a hot streak...
and I went to close iTunes and just barely on accident closed the window of my game. Haha, God's telling me to go to sleep! So I got an all-time high score and I don't know what it is...I need a life.
And some sleep.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Marriage is SCARY
I had this almost fleeting thought the other day, as I was putting on my makeup in my makeup room. I looked over at my bed, and I thought about the last person that lived here. He lived here with his girlfriend. I thought to myself, "how in the heck did two people live here?" I mean, I love people, but I'd probably end up in an institution...or jail. (My apartment is 15x15 or something)
Then I thought to myself, "if I were married, I'd have to wake up next to someone everyday! And we'd have to share a bathroom, and a kitchen...and A BED!" For some reason, this idea stressed me out a lot. The level of invasion (aka sharing) of space sounds too intense to me.
Then I realized, it'll be okay when it's someone I don't mind spending a lot of time around. Someone who doesn't bother me when I spend hours on end with them. Someone like my best friend! So when I find my male [other] best friend, I'm sure all this stuff won't bother me.
Then I thought to myself, "if I were married, I'd have to wake up next to someone everyday! And we'd have to share a bathroom, and a kitchen...and A BED!" For some reason, this idea stressed me out a lot. The level of invasion (aka sharing) of space sounds too intense to me.
Then I realized, it'll be okay when it's someone I don't mind spending a lot of time around. Someone who doesn't bother me when I spend hours on end with them. Someone like my best friend! So when I find my male [other] best friend, I'm sure all this stuff won't bother me.
We Were Unforgettable
if i cry when i think of you,
does it mean you've won?
not that it was a competition.
at times i wonder,
do you even remember us?
we were unforgettable.
you were once a big part of me,
what do i mean to you?
my guess, nothing.
things can't be the same,
cause we were playing a game,
and i don't do that anymore,
cause i learned my lesson before,
so go breaking other hearts,
blame your own brokenness,
and when the bleeding starts,
you'll learn as you clean up the mess.
does it mean you've won?
not that it was a competition.
at times i wonder,
do you even remember us?
we were unforgettable.
you were once a big part of me,
what do i mean to you?
my guess, nothing.
things can't be the same,
cause we were playing a game,
and i don't do that anymore,
cause i learned my lesson before,
so go breaking other hearts,
blame your own brokenness,
and when the bleeding starts,
you'll learn as you clean up the mess.
That Face Stops My Heart
that face stops my heart,
and makes it hard,
then all falls apart,
those eyes halt my breath,
and close mine,
feels like death,
that mouth opens my lips,
draws out a sigh,
from which old love drips.
and makes it hard,
then all falls apart,
those eyes halt my breath,
and close mine,
feels like death,
that mouth opens my lips,
draws out a sigh,
from which old love drips.
Sunday, May 09, 2010
[Great] Chemistry
I've just been thinking about this today, a bit:
Can a relationship form where there is seemingly a lack of chemistry? I was trying to figure out why I wasn't really sure if I liked someone, and I realized, it's a lack of chemistry. I've never had that happen before, when interested in someone. And I think that doesn't work for me. I need somebody I can make laugh, and that can make me laugh; have fun with, and whatever else the times I've had good chemistry entailed. Boo.
On the other hand, it also sucks to have GREAT chemistry with someone and not be able to be interested in them! This is probably worse than wanting to like someone but not being able to (though they may sound synonymous, they are not). It's definitely worse, working so well with someone; getting along smoothly, and complimenting each other, but things just can't happen for whatever reason. Especially cause I'm usually awkward most of the time, and if I'm not...
I've had that happen a few times, rather than my first complaint.
I was also thinking, the other day, I have no clue when I'm flirting. I kind of wonder, when does it turn into flirting? If a man and a woman joke around or smile or whatever, is it automatically flirting? I mean, I don't think so. I don't give this too much thought; I'm not much of an intentional flirt, but then if I don't know when I'm flirting, I could be flirting in situations when I don't want to! Yikes. Interactions are tricky, ha!
Sometimes I let myself get stuck on stuff like this, and then I try to wrap my head around things I'm better off not trying to analyze because there's probably no rule. I always think I can analyze things, but not everything has one strict answer.
So I guess I'll go on flirting unknowingly! And wait to have great chemistry with someone again...gotta love great chemistry.
(I think I killed the word "chemistry" in relation to relationships...oops)
Can a relationship form where there is seemingly a lack of chemistry? I was trying to figure out why I wasn't really sure if I liked someone, and I realized, it's a lack of chemistry. I've never had that happen before, when interested in someone. And I think that doesn't work for me. I need somebody I can make laugh, and that can make me laugh; have fun with, and whatever else the times I've had good chemistry entailed. Boo.
On the other hand, it also sucks to have GREAT chemistry with someone and not be able to be interested in them! This is probably worse than wanting to like someone but not being able to (though they may sound synonymous, they are not). It's definitely worse, working so well with someone; getting along smoothly, and complimenting each other, but things just can't happen for whatever reason. Especially cause I'm usually awkward most of the time, and if I'm not...
I've had that happen a few times, rather than my first complaint.
I was also thinking, the other day, I have no clue when I'm flirting. I kind of wonder, when does it turn into flirting? If a man and a woman joke around or smile or whatever, is it automatically flirting? I mean, I don't think so. I don't give this too much thought; I'm not much of an intentional flirt, but then if I don't know when I'm flirting, I could be flirting in situations when I don't want to! Yikes. Interactions are tricky, ha!
Sometimes I let myself get stuck on stuff like this, and then I try to wrap my head around things I'm better off not trying to analyze because there's probably no rule. I always think I can analyze things, but not everything has one strict answer.
So I guess I'll go on flirting unknowingly! And wait to have great chemistry with someone again...gotta love great chemistry.
(I think I killed the word "chemistry" in relation to relationships...oops)
Thursday, May 06, 2010
NAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nap nap nap nap nap nap nap nap nap nap nap nap nap nap nap nap nap nap nap NAP NAP NAP NAPNAPNAPNAPNAP!!!!!!!!!!!
I am this tiredly excited to take a nap.
Also, it is my favorite middle brother's birthday, he is rather cool and so I am particularly thankful for him today :)
Nap.
I am this tiredly excited to take a nap.
Also, it is my favorite middle brother's birthday, he is rather cool and so I am particularly thankful for him today :)
Nap.
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
3 Hours = Structureless Nonse
That's about how much sleep I got today in total. I'm surprised I didn't make any dumber mistakes than I did! I could not sleep last night, despite the 2 calms forte I took at 10:30 before laying in bed for 3 hours without actually falling asleep.
I kind of hate anyone who's gotten to go to a twins game this season...kind of means I don't, simply because it's before the verb "hate", in case you were concerned or shocked...it's no fair! I want to go. I have this complex about it though, like my complex about movies. I usually hate seeing a movie with someone who's already seen it. I still can't say why, I couldn't really tell ya, but I almost feel that way about the Twins. I want to go though so I don't even care! TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME...for the love.
Crap, now I miss my big sister.
I am one of those people that decides what they're going to say, as they speak...I mean on one hand, it's good because you think quick on your feet, on the other hand sometimes you end up spewing nonsense and wondering if anyone even understood it, or if you've even made a point. That may or may not have been me at small group...but it's okay, I prefer being humored unless I can be let down gently.
I've realized that lately I've been stuck on this habit: my mocking voice is apparently always mickey-mouse-style...I don't know why. It's sort of a combination of that with the Pinocchio voice (the "i'm a real boy!" bit).
I am so ready for this semester to be over, that I am almost really to the point of not caring whether I ever get into the journalism school. Maybe that's a good thing? I don't work well under the "now or never" kind of pressure, so maybe leaning towards the apathy end of the spectrum will relieve some of the weight.
I was really tempted to not go to class today, and I went only to find out my project that I thought was due in a week and half is in fact due THIS thursday...Naturally, a near-panic attack ensued. I skipped my next class (for which I know nothing else is due the rest of the semester til the final exam), and went home and had my panic attack. It mainly consisted of blasting coldplay, and attempting to find anything I could on immigration related to minnesota.
Today was the 4th (May the 4th be with you, I found that funny) my last anything, I believe is the 15th...only 11 days til FREEEDDOMMMMMMMMMMM! Gah!
Now I need to go to sleep so that tomorrow I can be confident, awake, and put together...things that I almost always feel I am not...Tallee ho!
I kind of hate anyone who's gotten to go to a twins game this season...kind of means I don't, simply because it's before the verb "hate", in case you were concerned or shocked...it's no fair! I want to go. I have this complex about it though, like my complex about movies. I usually hate seeing a movie with someone who's already seen it. I still can't say why, I couldn't really tell ya, but I almost feel that way about the Twins. I want to go though so I don't even care! TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME...for the love.
Crap, now I miss my big sister.
I am one of those people that decides what they're going to say, as they speak...I mean on one hand, it's good because you think quick on your feet, on the other hand sometimes you end up spewing nonsense and wondering if anyone even understood it, or if you've even made a point. That may or may not have been me at small group...but it's okay, I prefer being humored unless I can be let down gently.
I've realized that lately I've been stuck on this habit: my mocking voice is apparently always mickey-mouse-style...I don't know why. It's sort of a combination of that with the Pinocchio voice (the "i'm a real boy!" bit).
I am so ready for this semester to be over, that I am almost really to the point of not caring whether I ever get into the journalism school. Maybe that's a good thing? I don't work well under the "now or never" kind of pressure, so maybe leaning towards the apathy end of the spectrum will relieve some of the weight.
I was really tempted to not go to class today, and I went only to find out my project that I thought was due in a week and half is in fact due THIS thursday...Naturally, a near-panic attack ensued. I skipped my next class (for which I know nothing else is due the rest of the semester til the final exam), and went home and had my panic attack. It mainly consisted of blasting coldplay, and attempting to find anything I could on immigration related to minnesota.
Today was the 4th (May the 4th be with you, I found that funny) my last anything, I believe is the 15th...only 11 days til FREEEDDOMMMMMMMMMMM! Gah!
Now I need to go to sleep so that tomorrow I can be confident, awake, and put together...things that I almost always feel I am not...Tallee ho!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)