So I Laugh . . .

So I laugh:

I was all worried about the 3 papers I had to do this weekend. Well I technically have one outta the way, except for the fact that it's supposed to be 2 to 3 pages...yeah it's just over 4. Like 4 and a 1/5. lol. It's not supposed to be that long. But I don't know what to do. Proof read and just subtract things? As a writer it hurts to have to do that, especially with this kind of writing. It's not just a research paper or book report anymore. Now it's about description and feelings. And I have to remove things? Um...about that. I don't want to remove anything from my 5 page paper about "White Noise"...

so I laugh.

Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

So it seems like for as much as I want to find a college close to home because there are too many people I'd miss, I feel like I really should go somewhere far away. Part of me just wants to escape the surroundings that I've known for so long, that I've experienced adnosiam. I can't honestly tell if I'm yearning for somewhere new to make my own fresh start, to experience things on my own. Is that what it takes to experience independence? Do I have to separate myself from the world I know, just to figure out life? I don't know if I'm ready to do that. I'm so comfortable here, and there are few other places I would actually consider moving to for college. Then again, sometimes I feel like I can't wait until college, to live on my own and be free of the stupid things of everyday life that someone turns into something capable of ruining a good mood or a happy disposition.

Sometimes that is the most intriguing part of moving away to college, meeting all new people. It's sad but the truth. There are a lot of people I'd miss here (or wherever they go to school, etc.) but at the same time I feel like I need a break. Maybe it would even help me to realize what I have; help me to appreciate those around me that I do, but not enough.

I could definitely get away from my family! Each as individuals I don't mind so much (I'm more of a one-on-one person anyways), but altogether -other than birthdays and holidays- they are too much. Just think when you put 8 people together there are definitely going to be personalities that clash, no matter if you were born into that mess together or not. There will still be clashes. That's the part I can't deal with. But I'm also scared that I'll meet new people -that don't bother me as much, or aren't so negative, that like to enjoy life and work hard- and that they will make what's back home seem so much more annoying.

Basically, for as much as I'm positive that I'm going to stay in the twin cities, I'm certain I'm going to need to leave. As usual, I'm a walking contradiction!

That Fateful Day . . .

I'll never forget on that fateful day,
The gift gone unnoticed in an ungrateful gray,
How drastically the world changed,
My whole life rearranged,
You let me down and I fell hard,
You let me drown and left me scarred,
The wind of this news pushed me aside,
Our forever friendship defied,
You just watched with no outstretched hand,
Crutches torn away only love's left to stand,
All that was between us ripped apart,
Now we're back how we were at the start,
Is this what you wanted?
To leave us broken and haunted?

My Nonsense Rap (yes, i believe that is the official title)

Give me what's left of the chocolate bar,
I don't want you to go very far,
Children walking down our street,
One falls back cause he's stepping to the beat,
I don't know if you see me that well,
But I'm livin' in this perpetual hell,
I don't know how I got here,
When I'm livin' this life in permanent fear,
If only I knew what I know now,
Would I go back and change it somehow,
I don't think I know & I don't care,
Somebody once said that life isn't fair,
And I'm the kid that's stepping to the beat,
When I walk I'm gonna stomp my feet,
So give me what's left of the chocolate bar,
I don't even care if you go very far,
I am not walking in an endless ring,
I am prepared for what's coming,
So bring on the earth,
And for what it's worth,
I'm gonna give it my all,
Even if it means I might fall.

~The beauty of poetry is that it doesn't have to make any sense...this doesn't. I can't explain the chocolate bar part...really I was eating a chocolate bar (hershey's milk, i remember) and i was in a fiesty mood. I was ready to "take on the earth". I got a rythym and the words just worked, i love it still - even if the chocolate bar part makes no sense.~

Would it be different if they were brown?

Wow, I haven't written on here in forever! It seems like for as much time as I manage to waste, there is way too much going on elsewhere in my life. There are so many stirring thoughts, always...I wish I could get paid to think. At this point, I'd be rich - regardless of what it would pay. I'm always, always thinking. I know you're thinking, "well duh! you have to think about everything you do.", but I mean more of a contemplation and introspection. It's intense. I tend to write a lot about thinking, I've noticed. It's just an ongoing process for me. I always have something to figure out, and no I'm not talking like how to solve a Rubix Cube...though metaphorically, I guess. Life just gets so complicated, and messy, and busy, and you feel like you don't have the time to stop and enjoy it for what it is! I have been feeling so bogged down by everything and everyone around me. There are a few people when I think of them or am with them, they help build me up - make me happy, make me laugh. That's all I ever want out of life - is to love and to laugh. Those, to me, are the two most beautiful things to do. There were times I've considered being a comedian but didn't whole-heartedly want to pursue it because I feared that learning to keep my composure would hinder my natural ability to laugh. I'd probably make an excellent comedian, but we'll never know because I don't want to run the risk...I don't want be incapable of laughter. That is probably one of my very utmost fears: losing laughter.

All along in this thinking, I just ponder the big life questions, the questions of where God is calling me to go, what things he is calling me to do, and what he has planned for me. Sometimes I get so lost in my thoughts, just contemplating all these things in my life, that affect my life, that change the way I see the world through my two eyes; Would it be different if they were brown? (I've always wanted brown eyes)

That's the type of thing I'm talking about, I guess - more so the random thoughts than superficial or silly ones, though those definitely fight their way through to dominate at times. I just think about EVERYTHING and it's so hard. The thinking never stops and when I really get tired, I want to go to bed...the words just keeping going through my mind and the thoughts keep racing to the non-existant finish line. It leads me to wonder, will I ever reach a point in my life at which I don't ask questions anymore? If not, maybe that's why life is so difficult: because you are constantly asking, answering, and pondering questions that test who you are, what you believe, and your level of sanity (only in those rare cases with eye color).

I don't know, maybe I'm just a lunatic. Maybe all of this seemed like a bunch of mindless rambling to you (which wouldn't be incorrect, if it comes down to interpretation), but I just need to get these thoughts out sometimes. Sometimes they need to be aired out and publicized. Other times I just need to write them down to help sort them out for myself. All in all, the words just need to come out and be here, right where they belong.

To My Various People

THE IDEA IS TO WRITE ELEVEN ANONYMOUS MESSAGES TO ELEVEN PEOPLE...ANONYMOUSLY:
These are totally and completely random, they do not correspond with the order of tagging, so good luck figuring out which one's your's!

somebody #1
Knowing you my whole life has been a blessing from God! You are seriously a light in my life. I love our random text messages about whatever, whenever, and our late night conversations & breakfasts. I could see you once a week for a month and still miss you all the other days of the week. The beautiful thing about our relationship is the fights. I know, i know - You're thinking "what?", but really considering how close we still are and how strong it's made our friendship, it was all worth it. I love you so much, you are an unbelievable blessing to me! I thank God for you so much!! God bless your life and where you go in it!! - (i hope you get that hot architect ; ) -

somebody #2
After all these years, i'm so glad that you have warmed up to me. I'll admit it took a while for you to come around, but now i'm really happy that we are close as we are - (we still have a ways to go but...well...). I'm so thankful for you and love you so much! I admire you so much more than you will ever know, and i can't even explain it. I know things are confusing and difficult now, but i really hope and pray that you will find your way, and that God can help you through it. I know it's hard to hear what other people have to say, but i also pray that you would take it in with open ears. That you will use that wisdom God has blessed you with, it's there - even if you don't know it, I'll stake my life on the fact that it is there, and there is a hell of a lot of it! Love you so much even when we fight! Even though you think otherwise, I love you more, and couldn't have asked for anyone else in your place.

somebody #3
So i find it funny that I've known you a while, and now we discover that we get along so well! You are so awesome and fun to hang out with! I'm so glad we got tight over these past - what - couple months? We make an amazing tri-cycle...like a Schwinn. You are an amazing guy for all that you've gone through and I hope you get your dreams...stinkin' genius, you! There have been some fun times and you are one of very few people i would ever trust to drive my car ; )

somebody#4
You have been a complete blessing to me as well throughout most of our considerably short history. Obviously we've had problems, which i definitely thought would never happen but it has. I didn't get to tell you this the other day but, the beauty of it all, is that no matter what happens, i will always love you (basically, you can do no wrong). I will ALWAYS love you, you will always be my "sister", and you will always be in my heart...even though miles may separate us: "Friendship is a single soul dwelling in two bodies." - Aristotle
and this one was just too amazing i had to: "The real test of friendship is: can you literally do nothing with the other person? Can you enjoy those moments of life that are utterly simple?" - Eugene Kennedy



somebody#5
"Honey, I'm home!"...We have had so many laughs it is innumberable! We have talked about so many crazy things and made it through some serious disagreements! We've seen so many movies, checked out so many guys, ate so much candy, done so many stupid things, drank so much starbucks, been so many places, and almost peed our pants so many times...it's disgusting. Essentially, what I'm trying to say is we've been through a lot together. It was all worth it, there were so many amazing memories made and a lot of calories burned (as well as many taken in - peanut butter m&ms, what?)! Who else would I see depressing movies with and laugh at the worst possible moment!?! Who else would I get to convert to my side just so i can check out an insanely cute guy?? None other than you! Love you til the end, and no matter where we both go in our lives, i will always remember the great times that we've had (which rule out the bad ones) and I will always love you!

somebody #6
I think it's so funny to see you now. Everytime strikes me as just my luck, the absurdity of us now, is amazing to me...not in a good way. It's funny that it seems like I'm nothing to you now. Anyways, i will always care about you as one of my friends, no matter what you think and even if years (maybe months) down the road, you don't remember me - i'll remember you and the fun we had, for that short time and what an awesome person you really are. Take care of her.

somebody #7
Wow, it's amazing what ups and downs have happened in such a short time. I'm not torn up over it, like i could be - but it was nice when we were close, it was a good release for me and for you. All the venting and telling about guys and friends, etc. Sharing our lives even though they were basically completely separate. I miss you now, but I know that you are ok...that things are going well, and though you miss me too we'll catch up and pick up where we left off...that is a gem of a friendship even though it sounds sort of sad, it really is a wonderful kind to have! Love you always, MOOOOOOO!

somebody #8
I'm really sorry that it's been so long since one of these ( ; but i really owed you one. I obviously am not going to spill my guts on here but i am really sorry, i just feel so busy like there's no time for this. I need time, we shall have to exchange in person for a while (hope that works ok, haha). It has been wonderful in the past to be able to just vent everything out, and i'm sorry we haven't done that lately...have i said sorry enough? well, it's true.

somebody #9
You are probably the person in my life that i admire the most. You are so young still, yet have experienced so much in your life. You are the type of person that I could see myself being someday. You don't seem to let the world get you down, and if it does, you manage to pick yourself up and wipe yourself off; to keep on going. You amaze me so much, and I am so thankful for you in my life (even if you think you're not that involved, you are). For a while there, I never understood how we fit together, then things started to appear, similarities - yes that's right, I'd like to think we are a lot alike in many ways. Like I was saying: for a while, you were there but i didn't get it...we weren't that close. Life went on, things happen and I'm so glad I got to open up to you, being honest and thorough about my life; whether or not any of the actual material was significant to you doesn't matter, just being real with you is what counts. Every time we get a real moment, it makes me so happy...it's one giant step in a positive direction. I love you so much, always have and always will - you are an amazing human being, one of the most amazing i've met in my life! I know God has something big for you, somewhere in the plan you are going to do more great things!

somebody #10 (Two of Ma girls)
So there have been some good times with you and the rest of the crew! I thought i would never find 'people' at school. You all are my people and i love all the randomly awesome times we've had; math classes, gym classes,...LUNCH!?! i'm sorry we had to tickle you so much and i'm sorry that we ate so much leann chin's...even though it was wonderful. I'm sorry you had to battle over shotgun, and i'm sorry for that one time i spilt pop all over you in the truck ; ) (to at least two of my tough east side girls)

somebody #11
Hey girly, you are a total sweetheart and i'm so glad i got to meet you this year! It has been lots of fun and we should hang out more. J'adore vous! Je ne sais pas que parler...vous ete tres amusant!

"Sitting With You" & a few other poems

The bottom one goes out to a few people, though originally written for someone particular

Sitting With You
Fast heavy head pounding,
World weighing down surrounding,
Tears are welling up inside,
From choking pain I can’t hid,
Floating up numb sensations,
From our dull conversations,
Blank eyes point my direction,
Searching me like harsh inspection,
An awful cringe creeps up in me,
Twinging, tugging endlessly,
Dragging feet brush hard ground,
As my head continues to pound,
Rushing madness through my viens,
As yet another thought refrains,
Tossing, turning in my gut,
Got myself stuck in this rut

Does Anyone Care?
As she’s driving down the street,
All the lights go out of focus,
In this messed up world,
Can’t anything provoke us?
No one notices,
With tears in her eyes,
Does anyone care,
If she lays down and cries?
She pulls the car over,
Puts her head in her hands,
She can’t do it anymore,
Meet the world with it’s demands,
No one notices,
The tears in her eyes,
Does anyone care,
If she gives up or tries?
She puts it back in drive,
Speeds away from the curb,
Veers the wrong way,
A scene fit to disturb,
No one could miss it,
No more tears in her eyes,
Does no one care,
If she lays there and dies?

This poem is actually a song
I'll Love You Forever

You know me better,
Than anyone,
You know my secrets,
And share my dreams,
We’ve been best friends for,
Forever it seems, oh-oh,
I’ll love you forever, yeah,
Never say “never”, oh,
Sometimes I say,
I wish others knew her this way,
With a friendship like this,
No faults need dismiss,
I can fall on you,
You hold my hand,
Let me cry,
I’ll love you forever, yeah,
Never say “never”, oh,
Sometimes I say,
I’m glad to love her this way,
Yeah, I’ll love you forever,
Oh never say “never”,
Right from the start,
You’ll always be in my heart,
What can I say but,
I’ll love forever, yeah,
Never say “never”, oh,
Cause we’ll always be together,
So just love me forever, yeah

Tell It Like T.V.

Do you ever wish you could be as blatantly honest as they are on T.V.? Don't you just picture yourself telling someone off with a not-so-subtle but very blundt certainty of yourself? Don't you ever wish that the words would come out just like a thoroughly practiced speech, just right? - that maybe it would be just what it takes to get through to that someone? Just what it takes to finally prove your point and render them dumbfounded? That is what goes on in my head in about 77.3% of my life.

What a Way to End the Day

Sometimes, it takes a quiet piano melody, a strong silent prayer, and a deep breath to bring you back to reality - maybe a couple deep breaths. I hate it when things aren't going bad and at the end of the day, something brings you down, or someone. I hate it when someone else seems to think that right before I go to bed is the perfect time to ruin my day. It's funny how life works like that. Hmm...well maybe sleep will make it better (?)

I think people just need to take a step back and close their eyes and think...breathe. It works, you should try it sometime!

Chills & Goosebumps

I was completely shocked when I heard about the virginia tech shootings today. I was in the bank, getting money so i could have my starbuck's. I happened to want to see what was happening in the world today - I didn't expect this. Chills ran across my body, tingling all over me as goosebumps popped up on my arms. I thought about how I had just been at my school, how that could have been my school. I thought about how I'm used to the idea of that at high school, but not at a college! I'm sure people rarely think of it after the Kent state incident in the 70s. I was completely pysched out all afternoon and surprisingly almost everyone I mentioned it to had little to no reaction. I was absolutely shocked and almost cried at the bank in the teller line. I thought about how those poor students were probably all sitting in some class they hated, thinking about how boring the teacher was or how they'd rather be sleeping...they didn't know. If you really put yourself in that situation, imagine yourself in their shoes, it's amazing and eye-opening. It makes me think about how lucky i am (despite the fact i often think i hate my life) to have every day.

Just think if you were one of those kids, lets say sitting in some boring-ass math class, and then before you know it complete chaos breaks out. I honestly am still shocked. When I got in my car and was thinking I just sat at the stoplight and prayed. Those poor families and friends that were expecting nothing but another dull monday.

The people who were there first & will be there still

I just got to thinking yesterday how I'm really annoyed with some of my friends and family members who start dating someone and drop everyone else. I don't think they realize how much it hurts to be that person that gets dropped faster than a hot cup of coffee. It sucks because it's like you're one of the people that was there first, you were there when there was no man. Now that there is one, you become lower on the priority level; now that there is one, you aren't important enough to make time for, or you'll understand because you're just that understanding. It's funny, cause if someone thought that about me (that i'd be that understanding) they'd have to be crazy! There's no way I would ever understand that mentality - no way! It's unfair because whether or not the couple makes it, you'll be there in the end waiting like the dog at the door at the end of the day: even though you got left behind, you're still there ready for your one-on-one time. Part of me tells me that it will fade, it's just the "honeymoon period" essentially. Once the complete infatuation for one another dies down, some time will free up. It's probably a stupid lie I tell myself just to get this thinking to stop. Maybe that's how it is when you find the right person, maybe no one else is important and maybe I'll be that way...but I hope and I pray, that if that's not the way it is, but that's the way I am, I hope & pray someone snaps me out of it.

*If you think this note is directed at you, it may well be...but not just you, don't flatter yourself!*

P.S. I know 2 people (that i appreciate) who are doing things right!

High on Tired

So last night, bethany david and i decided to stay up really late (well at least some of us were up...lol) and we got super tired and giggly. It was so much fun and it's been a long time since sitting around doing nothing was that much fun! We just laughed and talked about everything and laughed some more, we enjoyed a fire and it was cool to be stress free. It seems like i'm always worried about school or something, there's always something weighing on me but there wasn't last night. It was just free and fun and we enjoyed ourselves and then slept hardcore!

Love you david and be!!

Don't believe in "luck"? Let's call it a blessing then

I was writing my paper for photo class (yes that's right: photo class) about my brother's tour of duty in Iraq this past year. I've been reminiscing about it a lot, not that I think that's the right word for it but just remembering a lot of things about him leaving, being gone, and returning. There are movie replaying over and over in my mind. Some make me cry from the pain that still lingers, and others, from pure joy. I just keep thinking about how lucky I am that my brother came back, unharmed. I know luck isn't the right word, it's a blessing. Odd as it is to say, his nine month tour in one of the world's most dangerous places was a blessing. He probably got to see a side of me that he never had through my letters and I realized how important family is to me.

Before his tour, I would think Joe was the least connected to me out of all my siblings. We didn't even really have a history like I at least did with all my other siblings. After this, I truly appreciate him and cherish him, I hold him so near to my heart and thank God so much that he came home safely. I guess that's our history.

It's funny because back when he went to boot camp when I was in eighth grade, we went down to Great Lakes Chicago to his graduation. His wife (then fiance) obviously gave him a big hug because it had been -I can't remember- six weeks (?). And I waited my turn when my mom said "You know something, Joe...it's odd but do you know who missed you the most?" and He looked intrigued, "Alicia." she said, "She just kept saying, 'It's weird but I really miss Joe'."

It's funny because I did, but didn't know why. This time around (for his deployment) I missed him like crazy, wrote him tons of letters and talked to him on the phone about random things for what little time I could possibly steal.

I love to replay the memory of my realization that he was walking up our lawn and our hug where I practically tackled him. Although the day he left Minnesota was the worst of my life, I guarantee that the day he returned was one of the best!

Holding Doors . . .

It was the sweetest thing, I was rushing out of Normandale today to go to work, i was already late and felt bad for all the times I've taken advantage of my bosses' leniancy (sp?). I had been developing photographs in the lab, and had grabbed my portfolio and stuffed my pictures in there.

I was headed for the main door and the parking lot. As I came up behind this guy was going through the door in front of me, he looked back to see if there was anyone to hold the door for - sort of out of habit, I could tell, just as I walked through behind him. Then it was about to be awkward, I predicted, as he was going to let me go ahead of him through the next door, but to my relief reached to hold push open...despite the fact that I visibly had an available hand.

It just seemed so sweet to me, it was a very sincere thing to do. I'm not suggesting he thought I was attractive therefore did that or anything of that matter, just that it was nice. I love it when guys do that and not just to be that way, to be that guy. When they do it just to because.

I'm a Bad Person

So i'm pretty sure I'm a bad person...ya wanna know why? Well of course you do, you opened this note didn't ya? Hehe, i went to go rent a movie for ma mere (my mom) et moi (and me) to watch since mon pere n'est pas ici. I had missed driving most out of any activity I was deprived of whilst on my trip. Well on my way home, i was trying to fish-tail on my turns cause...let's face it - it's fun! I decided to take a couple laps around our neighborhood. I got some fish tailing in on the street north of ours, then i decided to hit up the one south that has a very sharp turn, that one i totally spun out on, did a 540! It was pretty much amazing...and sinful, jk. I don't know about that part. So i just kept driving around, attempt to slide or spin, whatever happened - happened. It was a good time and I sure enjoyed myself take corners at 20mph when there's this level of snow out, you're bound to slide or something! There's only one problem: i'm addicted.

Beauty in the Breakdown

Last night I had some majorly needed talk time with God. I had some things (many things, more than those of which you know) I needed to pray about, I needed God's counsel and comfort. I just wrote out some things and still felt pretty crappy, not having gained the relief which I was hoping for. I asked God to break me down, to bring me back to who I am, and only leave my love for Him. I wanted him to wash away the dust and dirt, to fix my broken heart, to take away the hurt...afterwards felt nothing.

I did however, like the little quote from Chuck Swindoll that was at the top of the page that day in my prayer journal. It always has lots of helpful quotes at the beginning and end of the writing spaces. It clicked that I should use it as a reference when I had to lead prayer (candle time) at youth group this coming sunday. I hadn't figured out what I wanted to do - I just knew I wanted it to be different, different than the norm.

So I went back through the pages which I had already adorned with the words of my heart that flowed from my pen. I discovered a few more quotes that I wanted to share with people when I lead prayer. I decided to read what I had been writing about when I came across a literal list of things i had prayed for. I regularly amuse myself and therefore, I wanted to read this. I kept reading all the entries.

It was amazing to come accross slowly but surely, more and more answered prayers. Well of course, all prayers are answered, but answered 'yes' or blessings given. I had been praying all through last spring for God to send me some better friends because my friends at school weren't fufilling like others I had in the past and some friendships were fading. I had been praying that the money for REACH would come through, my parents had forked over a significant amount already and I didn't want to burden them more. I later on had been praying about my mother and my search for a car for me - that was very difficult and stressful!! Of course I had been praying regularly for His safety for joe, protection over him as promised in (Psalm 91:5). I had been praying for the hurt on my heart that I had lead myself to, that I let happen.

All of those prayers were answered, sure enough on God's time...according to his will, but they were answered! All the money for REACH came in and overflowed (Psalm 23:5). Reach was an amazing time which I also forgot to mention that I prayed about A LOT! I befriended margaret - margaret befriended me, whichever way it went, that's when we started to hang out. Ever since we've been SUPER tight, she is a total answer to prayer, and discovering that i prayed so much about that made me just cry. My finding the right car! Me and fitz were meant to be, it was always meant to be. When that car came down the assembly line somewheres in Japan in the year of 1994 (it's a 95), God was making it (via some person) knowing that it would be mine in the future...hehe. Obviously, Joe making it home was probably a tie for the best answer to prayer! And I finally gave the broken pieces of my heart to God, letting him put it back together again.

All those most important of my prayers were answered. Seeing that and all those things becoming clear to me just broke me down. I laid my face in my hands and just spoke to God, half under my breath, half out loud. I just sat there and poured my heart out to him more truly than any time before, more trusting than ever before. As I was praying, face-in-hands, I could not even feel the tears that were flowing endlessly from my eyes. I didn't know until a pause I took after a long while to look up, and all this water was on my hands. It didn't feel like I was crying, but there were these tears; sitting in my hands, rolling off my hands. It's like all the pain I was feeling, all the anxiety I was pouring out to God didn't even hurt at that moment - I didn't feel the tears, didn't feel the pain. God gave me that, he knew I needed a good cry and could not even bring it on myself...he brought it on. He broke me down just like I had asked him to do in my written prayers earlier that night. There was an absolute beauty in the breakdown!

Colorado!

I really have been missing colorado! For a long time now! I was looking at my sister Danielle's friend's myspace, from colorado. She had a photo of her in front of the mountains and they are just soo amazing!! FOR REAL! I've had this longing just to go there and experience it! Maybe i could talk Danielle into going out there with me. I just want to go back and see all that nature has to offer. Those mountains are just about the most amazing thing you will ever see.

The best part is when you're driving through Boulder (i believe) the mountains are humungaloude and they surround you. It's indesribably amazing, and so much a sign of God in this world. I MISS IT!! Oh and Teluride isn't half bad either, if ever you get the chance, take the gondala thingers up the mountainside! Gorgeous!


We went I think 3 years in a row? somewhere around that amount and there were so many good memories and beautiful sights to see. I just want to roadtrip out there and jam out to music the whole way. Go see some stupid tourist attraction (or possibly a cool one). Maybe i'll live there someday, it's one rural state that i wouldn't mind so much i think. It's just so wonderful, but then again i haven't experienced a colorado winter...hmm. Problematic.

I think i'll go...it's basically been decided. I'm going to colorado souly/solely whatever it is, to see the mountains. THat's it, then when i've seen enough of them, from as many different angles as one could imagine, i'll come home.

So i lied i may hit up wyoming again too...hehe

Walking Through Life

I've been in a very contemplative mood lately. I'm working on this new thing where i figure out my thoughts so that i don't get tangled up in them. We'll see how that pans out. It's really an interesting theory that i can't say i've practiced thoroughly before in my life.

Honesty hasn't been a problem, i'm fairly good at being honest with myself when it is needed. Most people, follow their emotions and let them lead their lives. I'm trying to change that part of me too i guess. Just sorting out my thoughts before i take the next step, we don't really think about it that way but we should. We just keep walking, - maybe - until we've gone somewhere we don't want to go. We don't watch our next step, we rarely look ahead to see where we are going or how far away it is. Sometimes, i feel like, if i had known, if i had looked up -to see how far off it was, how impossible it was, what it would take- i would have given up. And in some cases that would have been good. But other times, if you want something enough, you could go miles and it would seem like nothing, all because it's worth it, and it's certain. Certainty is something i'm struggling with too. I guess that goes hand in hand with sorting out my thoughts. I want to be certain of my thoughts before i start new ones; I want to know my foot is planted on firm ground before i lift the other to take another step.

It's funny that i would use the walking analogy because yesterday i was walking in Minneapolis, not watching where i was going and i tripped on a huge unlevel part of the sidewalk. I fell on my palms and scrapped my right knee, leaving a new hole in my old jeans. At first, i cursed a lot and loudly, then i realized the hilarity of the situation and laughed as I walked to my car.

It's odd because that's sort of how life works. It's painful at the time; it hurts a lot. You realize how stupid you were for making that mistake, taking that route, not watching your feet. Just like my hands hurt after they were scraped on the concrete: they stung the whole drive home. And that, for you, is life.