The Good News!

December was the last time that I wrote to YWAM-Paris, asking them in what ways I could serve. It was kind of my last ditch effort when I thought I wasn't going to school any longer. Then just about a week ago, after barely giving Paris another thought (in the YWAM respect, that is - Paris is always in my thoughts) I finally heard back. A woman replied to me that even though I wrote to them in French, she was replying in English. Guess I didn't know what to expect in that department, I figured better safe than sorry.

So she told me they're starting a summer program that's two weeks (not enough time for me if I'm gonna bother to go to france at all...), AND a DTS for February of 2011! Which is practically perfect because I'll most likely be done with school. If things go according to plan, that is. Either way, I'm essentially set on doing this. I was practically heart-broken to not go for school this past fall, but I was told to wait, and better things would just work out. I feel like this is the better thing.

I've had it in the back of my mind to do a DTS for a long time, and if it led to working on staff at the base there in Paris, I would totally be game for that for a couple years or longer!

Then, just about 2 days ago, I got an email saying that my application can be pushed to fall again. I calculated it, and I basically have to get two A-'s and two B+'s....so if you think of me, pray for that! I'll most likely be doing some summer classes too. But hey, the end of next December...!

So God willing, things are panning out and will continue to do so.

And the end of lent is near! See you fools back on facebook soon!

The Rules

So the thing about me is this: I'm a verbal processor. I need to discuss things and work out all the possible angles and each one of their outcomes...I need to beat the horse til it's good and dead. (What a morbid phrase!) Have any kind of fork in the road, and too much time alone, and I find myself writing to figure things out.

I guess that's my mistake, that these are the types of things that I usually talk over with my best friend or with my mom...people who understand really well where I'm coming from. People that understand when to take me with a grain (or small mountain) of salt.

For those of you that do not yet understand or know this about me; take note. Yes, it is my way of freaking out, but sometimes for me panicking a little is the best way to deal with the chance that the worst does happen. It's that tiny 1/8 of me that's a pessimist (I think 1/8 is about an accurate estimation, given I had to make one) having it's way in a mostly hopeful spirit. It's the battle of my better half versus my lesser; grace vs. my humanity.

I'm only human, and I think that means I have the right to freak out a little when my dreams are hanging in the balance [YET AGAIN]. My passion, what I want to do with my life; it's all inching itself away every time I feel like I'm getting closer to it. I think most people would freak out a little more than even I have, if that were the case in their life.

This is the best I can do to handle it with grace. I'd appreciate if others do the same.

Also, guys, my mom reads this stuff...take from that what you want.

Bus Ride Goodbye

Flash of lights,
See different sights,
Cars go by breaking up the nights,
While the skies are falling over our heads,
We are sleeping fast in our beds,
Speeding down the lifeless highway,
Slowing down with things in my way,
I’ll open my eyes when I feel inspired,
Don’t wanna break down cause I’m too tired,
You know this don’t feel too good,
Not that I thought it would,
I’ll close my eyes when I get broken,
So I can ponder the words you’ve spoken,

So I watch them,
Watch them all go by,
And I hold my breath,
So as not to cry,
Or so I try.

F is for student

I'm supposed to be working on homework...instead I'm blogging. I've been so discouraged about school, I just can't seem to get myself motivated. I don't read syllabuses...there was a midterm today in one of my classes. I showed up, and the classroom was oddly full, I thought. There was a box of pencils on the table at the front of the room. There was a midterm. Luckily, I can laugh.

I feel so much like this just will not work out, there is just no way this will work out, so I can't care. I cannot care about this semester, when I do not know if there will be a next semester; if there will be a degree.

I made it through the whole spring break week without freaking out about whether or not I will get my journalism shit together (sorry, I am stressed hence...), I made it all the way until Sunday night. And I just realized, it's interconnected, - my apathy and this uncertainty. I have to do well this semester to get in, but I applied too early, maybe ruining my chances anyways, so I don't even know. Stress shuts me down. So I sleep a lot. I sleep when I'm stressed, but I don't do other things such as the opposite of procrastinating, which would be nice.

I don't like to have to prove myself. Deadlines, - I do well with; pressure of a looming judgment, - not so much.

The end of that is so close, I can taste it! But as optimistic as I am, I feel like it would just make more sense (as life goes) for me not to get in and finish after 4 years of grueling education...it would just be how life is. It would make sense.

I hope it's not the case, but I feel that it is. I guess one day I'll find out, and then figure it out from there, but for now I guess I should go tackle that ridiculous college art project (so glad I did not major in art!!!!!!!!!!! At least I made one good decision).

Oh, How Sophomoric!

Yesterday, I got a really awesome fortune cookie, that gave me a [stupid, irrelevant] boost that I really needed. It said "Rarely do great beauty and great virtue dwell together as they do in you". Of course, I don't believe that's anywhere close to true, but it's nice to know the cookie gods thought that of me!

Some people take their sophomore effort a little too lightly. They act like now they've made it big, they just get to be a little more free...and they blow it. I also tend to have high expectations after a fabulous debut album! But is that unacceptable? Am I holding young artists to too high a standard? I think not. (on that note...)

So I'm back to what feels like square one: I don't know if I'm going to be finishing my degree at the U, or if I'll be finishing it any time soon at all! Talk about failing at my sophomore effort. I'm so frustrated. I don't often get ambitions for big things, but I have an ambition to get this degree and it has just been a roller coaster ride ever since high school! Now that I know what this is what I really want, it seems like it's impossible.

Contradictory to that (on a different note), there are times when you realize something's not worth it, and it's all wrong...then even though it's hard to swallow at first, it eventually pans out and you can laugh about it. Not sure I can laugh about it yet, but I know I will...when all the times I made a fool out of myself don't still make me want to die. Haha. Stupid stupid stupid woman...

That's both the fun and the frustration of life; the making a fool out of yourself and the not knowing where you're going. Both can be fun, and both can be frustrating. In my opinion, a large part of wisdom is figuring out how to handle both of those things with grace. Not that I think one can ever fully figure out...but, hey, I'm too young to know the rules.

("Love is Hard" by James Morrison = one of few songs I actually like so far on this album...I am disappointed J-M...disappointed)

I'm working on figuring things out, anyways.