I thought I would write more. Turns out, vacation has been busy! I sit on the rooftop of my crappy but affordable hostel, drinking very cheap wine from a small bottle and eating very cheap chocolate from the grocery store. That's how I do.
I'm wiped, and shush, don't tell anyone, I could've gone home yesterday. But let's start with the good part, since today I happen to be particularly wiped and cranky that I felt to ill to truly enjoy The Vatican I spent €20 to visit.
GETTING HERE
I started my trip by flying through New York. I ventured out of the airport like a big girl and made my way to Manhattan to visit my friend and sort-of-coworker Debbie. She kindly made me lunch, and we caught up and took a brief walk in a sunny and vibrant central park.
After, I hurried back to the airport, bragging on social media about figuring out the formerly intimidating subway, only to get lost. On the right train, I ended up chatting with a black man I observed as he chatted with nearly everyone in small bits. He had construction gear with him, and though he looked tough, he emitted an evident kindness. He ended up sitting next to me once enough people cleared out there wasn't someone else to relinquish the seat to. Somehow, I don't recall, we ended up talking. He asked where I was going and where I was from, with my obvious traveler look, backpack in tow. When I told him Minneapolis, MN, he said something about back country and farms. "Y'all tipping cows and stuff, huh?" "No," I think I belly-laughed, "it's a city, like a real city. I've never tipped a cow in my life, I don't know if I've ever seen one [up close]." He told me I was brave traveling all over Europe by myself. He had a new tattoo which I noticed, and shared with him my best healing advice don't bother with A&D, it heals way faster. By the end of the ride, it was like we were friends.
THE DARK DARK PLACE
Between that and finding my way in and back out of the city that day, with plenty of time to spare before my flight, I began to realize further the importance of this trip: being okay with being just me, by myself.
As an adult, that's been one of my strengths, - literally in strengths finder, "adaptibility" is one of mine - figuring things out on my own. The strange ying to that yang is I don't prefer being alone (as you may have read I wrote a great deal about recently). In the very weird space I've been in since the end of January which signified the end of my relationship, I now refer to it as 'the dark, dark place', I slunk into desperately needing people, but not trusting almost anyone with the truths of my heart. No one seemed to value or understand The Dark, Dark Place.
In that place, I felt as though I fell back into insecurity that I hadn't felt in such a long time. At some point, I'd grown into a lot of confidence which caved under me with massive heartbreak. People seem to make all heartbreak out to be massive, but I'm not convinced it is so. For me, a formerly resilient and confident woman, I felt myself cowering at situations I once would not have blinked at. I felt scared at feeling scared, - would I return to myself? And in how long?
I kept thinking I finally had been back to normal, then I'd find myself crying again, or avoiding something I used to find adventure in. I continued to wonder, when would I shed this new awful skin? It actually changed right before I left - well, in part...
I started to be able to hope again in tiny, microscopic bits and I felt joy coming naturally again. I felt like joy just wouldn't come for so long, and that scared me - because it's not who I am. Joy has always been a constant fruit in my life. I noticed these two things, joy in laughter and company. Hope in that I met someone who I was attracted to! Even if the smallest bit and someone I now know is unavailable, I found a man interesting.
I also returned to prayer the last Sunday before my trip. I have prayed a few other times, but I felt ready and faith-filled. Oddly enough, a guy came up to me who was going through a very tough breakup. He needed to talk it out, I could tell because he just poured out his heart. I nodded and listened, eventually telling him just how much I understood. To me, that was God at work. Because I know how much it further hurts or does nothing at all for your pain when someone cannot empathize with depth of it.
THE TRIP
I connected through Brussels, and thought with a six hour layover I ought to see the city. It was dead on a Saturday morning at 8am. I wandered and ate a waffle, eventually had a beer. Then hurried my butt back to the airport.
I stayed one night in Crete's capital city, Heraklion. It was narrow and uncomfortably crowded with beautiful teenagers. I'd initially forgotten it was Saturday night. The next morning, I walked to the ferry. I met a girl along the way, from BC, Canada. A waif, she seemed nervous and shy, but as we got to talking she was well-traveled and probably about 30. We were seated separately. My seat-mate was a 50-something greek woman named Lida. She just happened to speak great English and be a pediatric neurologist. No big deal. She was so kind, I wanted to keep taking to her, but I arrived.
Santorini was the perfect way to start the vacation: island life. It is charming, laid-back, and picturesque. This was a big bucketlist item, I'd always secretly wanted to honeymoon there. I could've spent a week, but I planned three days. The port is of course way down the cliff from the town up top. The bus wove around the hairpin turns, cliff drop right out the window. I hated that part and was happy to be flying out later.
I burned myself badly spending over six hours at the beach the first full day with two girls, one of whom was in my room at the hostel. We talked about all sorts of things, and I explained my breakup in the most calm fashion I maybe ever had - crying later of course. The girls were to leave the next day.
That morning, we went to get greek donuts together, and I saw my new friends Sophia and Lina to the bus with parting hugs. I love when people are easy company like that. I decided late in the day to rent an ATV, since I couldn't go to the beach burnt and honestly there's not a ton to do there otherwise. This is my least favorite part of Santorini. Within the first 5 minutes of curving roads full of buses and cars impatiently passing me, I almost get in an accident that surely would've landed me in a hospital. As I was careening into the path of an oncoming car, I actually thought "I'm going to a hospital in Greece and I declined insurance. My mom is going to be pissed." I lived, no accident. But shaken and with 5 more hours booked, I took a breather and pressed on, muttering "I hate this," on every winding turn. Soon as I could, I stopped - conveniently at the famous winery. It is like something out of a movie. If Jennifer Anniston ever stars in couple's retreat comedy on Santorini, that's where they'd go. I met a nice woman, also alone, named Kim. She offered to take my photo as I was taking one of the view and my wine glass, probably looking somewhat pathetic. Then after a while she offered me some of her cheese in exchange for company. Me with my splurge of €3 glass, I said sure. We talked about travel, about Santorini, and I told her about the ATV. She told me I was brave, she could never do it. I repeated that I didn't like it, she repeated that I was brave.
ATHENS
Athens felt very different, for obvious reasons. When I came up out of the metro, I was initially stunned by the busyness of the square near my hostel. I was exhausted and just wanted to check in. I wandered a while, found my cheap gyro for lunch and eyeballed all the tourist shops. I walked everywhere in Athens. EVERYwhere. It was a very walk-able city and I picked the right hostel. I saw all the sights to see there, I walked my butt up the acropolis - puffing my inhaler like a nerdy 6th grade boy. I couldn't believe I was really there, amid ancient structures that have long outlived their builders. My hostel there had a bar on the roof. One night I decided to check it out, but encountered so few people that spoke English that I bright brought a book. Me. Something I noticed, it's apparently quite strange to dine alone. The first few times I felt a little embarrassed, but I told myself this is a part of ripping off the bandaid - or my healing, rather. Sitting in the discomfort of being alone, and finding out how to be okay with it. So, the last night, I took my book again and enjoyed my cheap wine alone in the crowded, bustling bar.
ROME
At this point, I was quite tired. I'd had noisy roommates at all the hostels. Some people apparently have no remorse for the fact that others are sleeping while they slam doors and talk like it's not 2am. I was ready for my nice, splurge hostel. I'd waited to book, so I had to spend a little more but it looked fancy. Pictures can lie. Sure they have some nice rooms, and they have some that look like rows of beds in an orphanage in the 30's. That's my room, four beds. The bathrooms are worse than any I've ever consistently used - and I traveled through Vietnam for nearly three months and grew up with eight people sharing one bathroom. This. Is. Gross. It's happening, so whatever.
I was more excited for the sights here than Athens, but heard so many pick-pocket horrors, I was sure it was going to happen. I pictured everywhere teeming with shady looking people, that I wouldn't know who to trust. To my surprise, everyone holds their bag and the streets aren't overrun with thieves.
My first night I treated myself to a sitdown dinner. The restaurant down the street had affordable pizza. The waiter was nice. Turns out the waiter really wanted to have a drink with me. I tried to decline, but that good old language barrier... Eventually these two middle-aged ladies sat at the table next to me. As I heard them chatting about their walk, I could bet my left cheek the one was from Colorado. I know my home away from home. They watched the waiter dote on me, and I figured we were going to talk. Eventually we did, and I was right! Butt cheek saved. Again, I explained that I was in fact traveling alone. You should've seen the look on the Coloradoan's face, "Oh wow. Good for you!" They asked how it was, and when I stupidly didn't have enough for my bill, the other gave me €2 to round it off. Then the waiter brought me an after-dinner drink trying to convince me at 9:30pm to stretch out my evening til he was off so I could come over for a drink. He couldn't understand why I'd turn down his repeated offers. I jokingly asked the women how to leave, my CO friend said "Did you pay? Get out while you can!" I grabbed my things and practically jogged down to my hostel.
I've spent the last two days walking a different way so as to not cross his path again.
Today was the Vatican, and things didn't start out great. I slept horribly because a group of people were partying and arguing at 4AM across from our open window. You know, no AC in this charming place. Then, the metro was closed across Rome and all the cop could tell me was "trouble" and "no work". The Vatican is an hour walk, and it's period day one (surprise!), so that was not happening. I waited nearly an hour in a crowd for a bus. Everyone crammed on like it was India. A nice half hour or so later, I knew I was close enough, so I hopped off.
I wearily wandered the Vatican, hot, irritable, and in pain. Several times I thought to myself "Don't puke in the Vatican, you cannot puke in the Vatican!" Certain I might pass out if I pressed on, I found my way to the metro, wishful it was back up. Saving grace, it was. My afternoon since consisted of a nice siesta nap, some budgeting for the remainder of my travels, and a grocery trip. I don't mind Rome, but I think I'd like to visit again when I'm not a broke nonprofit writer. Stay somewhere nice, not get my period, and drink way more wine.
Tomorrow, I'll hopefully make up for today's defeat by climbing the dome of St Peter's basilica and if there's time visit the Pantheon.
SURVIVAL
I realized this trip is about being thrust into standing on my own two feet again. Not because I didn't in my relationship, just that it's demise caused me to forget how. I kept expecting something grand to happen, and I'm not sure anything more grand will than the trip itself and the small victory that is taking it alone.
I'm very ready for Paris, a reunion after almost five years. My heart has longed to return and though it won't be the same without the others who helped make it the experience of a lifetime, it will be like seeing an old, familiar and beloved friend.