POEMS~
I love writing poetry, it clears my mind so beautifully. I feel not that it is in any way a talent or gift (for i've never been told that, but i do like most of my own work), but that it is a release. It is my expression, when there's not a laugh coming from me, or a smile on my face. I have poems as my expression. How i dearly love to write them.
So much so, that sometimes i force myself. Then they're awful. There have been and i'm sure many more to come, awful poems. But i do it anyways. SOmetimes i'll write 2 or 3 until i get the writer's block out of the way.
CREATION~
Lately i've just been getting stopped by God's creation and being dumbfounded. I'll gawk at the randomest things. I'll be mesmerized by grass, or by dirt, fire, water, light, darkness, colors, vision. My mind could just wander and be completely taken away thinking of all the wonders of this world. One of the most frequently revisited masterpieces is the human body! I am absolutely baffled by the human body and it's ingenuity! I shouldn't even get into it, cause i'll go forever...longer than i do anyways.
MY DOG~
I have mad crazy insane asylum love for my dog. She is the greatest non-person thing in my life, and if it came down to it, i would just barely choose a person's life over her's. It's sick, really. I love my dog. It's that kind of crazy love where you start to forget it's an animal, and it becomes your child. Hey, when all you've got is paying one bill every month, going to a school you don't care about, and people around you who are self sufficient, a dog can easily become that important to you.
I just love her. She is awesome. And she loves me. It's nice to have somebody who doesn't even have the slightest clue how weird you are, because they like you that way. They'll even be weird with you. They know how to manipulate you, but will only take it so far. It's nice to have somebody greet me with exuberance every time i come home. It's nice to have somebody to sleep in my room with me. To just be with.
COFFEE/SLEEP~
Life can be okay without sleep. If you have a lovely little substitute called Coffee. Coffee is also beautiful, but in a much different way than sleep. You can enjoy it while spending quality time with another person : ) I haven't been getting a ton of sleep lately, then again it doesn't really feel like i've been doing much of anything lately. I think i've just been having a truly long dream. I'll suddenly wake up to find that i never wrote any of this, and i never did anything i've "been doing" for the last two weeks. Or i'm just extremely apathetic and over tired. There's that option.
FRIENDS~
What would i be right now...let's not go there. I would be a complete disaster and they are the ones who know that best. And yet, i know they don't pity me or stick around cause they think i'll die without them (WHICH I WOULD);no, we laugh. And laughter, [aside from God] is the very thing that has kept me going in this life. Without my friends, my life would have so much less laughter and joy. I am so thankful for them! I honestly don't know what i'd do, not just with my time, but how i'd make decisions or...decisions. They are my angels. So i will buy them (you know who you are) coffee any day! Love you girls!
HARDSHIPS~
I was going to say "I'd like to believe..." but no: I believe that i am very honest with myself when it comes to hardships. I don't need to wallow in sadness, that won't get me anywhere but lost. Although, i do need to air my thoughts on a seemingly constant basis, but i promise it happens more in my head that i speak it...it's awful, i know. (Thank you again, to those who have to put up with me expelling my every inner feeling.) I think that i have a fairly good ability to put my problem before me, and pinpoint exactly what bothers me, and why it's bad to let it get to me, etc. etc. I don't like pity, in the least. I like to be understood.
I don't like to be misjudged, but then again who does? I just want to be able to say that i'm going through something and not have it dismissed. I also think of it not as whining, but as thinking out loud. It's after breathing, next to laughing for me.
YOU~
I think i'll be alright without you. You weren't that great after all. It's hard when i think of the good times masked by the appearance of a good person, but i know it could never be that way forever. That's what i wondered at the time, to cheesily quote the Foos: "will it always be this real forever?". I guess my answer was no. I'm glad it was short. I'm glad i didn't waste more time on you, more energy, money, feelings...more of my heart.
Oddly enough, a part of me feels bad for her. She will. She'll be heart broken but she'll never admit it to a single soul as long as she lives. It may take months, years, or even decades...but she'll realize it. It'll break her in two much worse than it did me. And for that, i feel bad.
WRONG & FORGIVENESS~
There are some places i've gone wrong, and i wish i could take them back. For so long, i'd say i have no regrets, cause you can't take things back and you can only have forgiveness, so why bother. But then i got real with myself, there are things i've done in the past that i regret, i wish i could take back or do over, but i can't. I guess i have to forgive myself. I have to let myself off the hook. After all, i'd like to meet the One who perfect, cause no man on earth can claim that.
Forgiveness is such an interesting concept too. I don't know if i'll ever get good at it. I'll never forget, there was this time i had a dear friend and i was mad at her, and i wanted so badly to let it go and forgive her, but it wasn't in my heart. I prayed for months to forgive, and i just didn't. I remember one day just sort of waking up and realizing, i too was wrong, and that it had left my heart. It was a huge burden lifted off of me.
I only wish it would hit me like that now. That this burden would be lifted, it still weighs.
LAUGHTER~
Something i've been learning more and more until it will eventually be an art to me, is to laugh at everything. I think in life, you have to be able to laugh when you fall down, laugh when you say something dumb, and laugh when you mess up. You have to be able to laugh BECAUSE you can't take things back. Learning to take life seriously and yet find the humor in everything is essential, in my mind. If i were to write a guide to life...haha. See, there i go!
Sometimes, too, laughter is the only thing that can pick you up from reality to let you see how absurd this life really is. It's really absurd, let's get real. The things we focus on, the things that get us down, the things that make us angry, the things we hold high...all of it. It's really quite absurd. I know lately, the things that have hurt me, i've had to learn to laugh at. When someone tells you that there is a certain level of ugliness that is in you, even if you know it's not true, you start to wonder. I started to wonder, even though others told me that that level wasn't there. I had to learn to laugh about it, telling myself about this ugliness just to laugh about it. It's the only thing that really helped me to see how truly absurd that accusation was.
Then there's the good old fashioned laughter we all know and love: the spontaneous kind. When a giggle, a chuckle, or a full-on, crack up, slap your knee, start wheezing and seizing laugh sneaks out of someone, you can't help but have a smile crawl onto your face. It warms my heart to see my loved ones smile, or people who are in pain. Genuine smiles and laughter can be picked from a million fake ones.
