The Game

I'm sick of looking like a fool,
I'm sick of putting in efforts that go unnoticed,
I'm sick of not knowing what you are,
I'm sick of wondering what you think,
I'm sick of hating myself for getting in too deep,
I'm sick of worrying about letting go,
I'm sick of trying so hard to let go,
I'm sick of falling when I know I shouldn't,
I'm sick of losing focus,
I'm sick of tying memories to things that inevitably leave,
I'm sick of being dragged around,
I'm sick of getting my hopes up then being let down,
I'm sick of waiting and wondering,
I'm sick of the game.

Healing

*It's not my favorite thing I've done, and I almost didn't post it, but here it is anyways.*

I'm still breathing,
Despite all that I'm seeing,
I don't know what everyone's feeling,
But I know we all need healing,
Yeah,
Healing,

There's some that just can't cry,
While there are many who will lie,
And I wonder why can't I,
Live without knowing why,

But I guess I'm still breathing,
Despite all that I'm seeing,
Don't know what you're feeling,
But I know we all need healing,
You're healing,

Can't you see pain behind these eyes,
It grows stronger every time he tries,
And then gives me up,
Leaving me feeling all used up,

And I'm still breathing,
Despite all I'm seeing,
Don't know what I'm feeling,
I know I need healing,
I need healing,

I'm still breathing,
Through all I'm feeling,
Don't know what I'm seeing,
But I know if I keep breathing,
I'll find something freeing,
I'll find healing,

So keep breathing!
I want love who I'm seeing,
Don't give up feeling,
When there is a chance for healing,
There's always a chance for healing,
Healing,

We try not to stop this breathing.

...When In An Emotionally Fragile State

Note to self: Never watch "Grey's Anatomy" when in an emotionally fragile state.

I've had a headache each night, for the last 3 nights.

I hate the first week of classes; first impressions, syllabuses, & getting lost. The last is a new one, an addition which comes as a package deal with starting a university.

-First impressions, they are tricky, because I'm always really nervous, and i don't really do anything well when I'm nervous, but talk or think about how nervous I am. It's a problem, really.

-Syllabuses, (and yes it's either buses or bi, google it) I hate getting a syllabus and going over it because my brain goes immediately into a state of worry over how I will ever be able to accomplish all of this in a 5 month span of time. It's horrifying to be bombarded with that much expectation at once, even if none of it is expected of you quite yet. Worst phrase for a professor to utter on the first day: "So start thinking about your final now...". Too much potential to be stressed laid out in front of me for my brain to handle.

-Getting lost, so far, not so bad. Give it time. I get lost EVERYWHERE I go, the only place I haven't gotten lost in a while is Bloomington, and there I only get lost in the hoidy-toidy outskirts.

Life has just been repeatedly and relentlessly kicking me in the butt, and I'm sick of it! I'm thoroughly convinced it's the fault of January, too. Yes, the month of January is the evil culprit and I cannot wait for it to be over! I can't wait til spring is here again :)

Til then, Coldplay, chocolate, and my friends are going to be holding me together <3

Uneasy

Why do i feel my world's falling apart,
It's the ache that weighs on this breaking heart,
I feel uneasy,
Uneasy,

I can't look in her eyes when she looks that way,
Cause I know that she hurts, but not what to say,
It's not that easy,
I stare up waiting on it to fall,
Or for a sense that we can take it all,
I feel uneasy,
Uneasy,

It's hard to look deep into night's sky,
And hear no answer as to why,
It's not easy,
It's hard to look up when you're unprepared,
I don't think i've ever been this scared,
I'm uneasy,

And if I could fly,
I'd take a leap of faith but I would not die,
I'd just break my heart,
Or maybe fall apart,

No solution to this,
No easy answer,
Find a simple life,
After a cure for cancer,
But we stay strong,
To find where we belong,

And when I'm uneasy,
I run to someone who sees me,
Through it all,
And helps me when I call,

And it makes it more easy.

The Sounds of The City

Having lived my whole life (up until recently, of course) in the same house near the freeway, I've always oddly found traffic noises comforting. Obviously, not rush-hour honking, just the constant rush I can hear in the distance when I have my bedroom windows open in the summer. Even the much more far distant sound of sirens in the middle of the night. I don't know why, I love those sounds.

Not unlike when I'm in the downtown of a city, I love that feeling of knowing there are thousands of people just buzzing about their day around me. It's part of the atmosphere, and I don't know why I just love it. It's probably due to the fact that I'd rather be with someone sitting silently, than be alone altogether. I have no idea why, it's just much more comforting.

Then, [just to contradict myself] if I were say, on top of a mountain anywhere in Colorado just taking it in, I wouldn't so much mind being alone...but I'm sure I'd probably still be a little bothered at the idea of something bad happening and being alone. Haha, but my irrational fears aside, I could enjoy beautiful nature alone and be okay with it. I will never be a country girl though.

I guess it's the comfort of knowing there are other people living life too, which sounds all too obvious, but I don't care. Sometimes the simplest things in life can blow your mind if you stop to think about it for a bit (with me, usually too long, lol).

La Musique Francaise

iTunes has this genre "French Pop", and sometimes I like some of the french music I hear, so every once and a while I work my way through part of the list to see if there's anything good. It's so funny cause so far (at least to my understanding) French music can be subcatergorized. The catergories are songs that fall under one of the three following: songs that are slow, jazzy and sad regardless of the actual lyrical context; songs that have an accordion in them (which can be done well, but in most of this music is not); and lastly, songs that have the same awful keyboard piano in them, the one that kind of sounds like those toy ones you get a six year old for their birthday. There is the occassional band that is the exception and has none of these (or uses the accordion appropriately), and that exception is basically a catergory of its own, it usually can be described as french punk rock.

My theory is the French are too stubborn to listen to what's popular in the U.S., simply because they dislike us and are so extremely set on holding onto their culture, which I'm assuming this [mostly] horrible music is a part of. Just one of the many reasons they are so loveable ;)

Little freak outs about my life...just the usge (how do you spell that?)

I kept thinking of things i wanted to put on facebook when i didn't have internet access. Now my mind is kind of blanking. I'm having little freak outs, that's why.

See, i had orientation today, and so i'm having a little freak out about that. I am dumb enough to choose a major that you have to keep a 3.0 and gain admission to! Ha! They even told us, if we were interested in a different major, we probably wouldn't be getting the speech on applying to a major. So funny, I'm actually that stupid. I have to keep up a 3.0 this semester at a new school, something I'm probably capable of, but haven't very often so far in my college career. Good luck. On top of that, I'm taking 3 journalism classes all in a row, mondays wednesdays and fridays, 10 to 1 (i think that is). I have to get A's or B's in those classes, because to be considered for the major they look at that too. Go figure.

Also, i got a little scared walking around at the U. It was confusing. I could probably walk around Normandale with my eyes closed, and now there's this.

This is very typical of me, though. But i promise my whole first semester I will be continually getting lost and probably really stressed out. Luckily I'm not even sure i'll have a job in a month, not that i have much of one right now; so I'll have (hopefully,) enough time for my buttload of journalism classes (granted i get over my procrastination problem). The one fun part will be that to apply for the major i have to write a statement of interest. Only someone who loves writing and wants a career in it, would look forward to an interest statement. I like interest statements. All i have to do is say what I think, and be eloquent about it (which despite my blogging, i am capable of achieving eloquency in writing.

I'm considering a French minor. Heck, maybe Art. Art could be fun. But if I do french, I'm more of an asset as an employee....hmmm, I've got to think on this.

We still don't have internet at the apartment because i discovered it's ridiculously expensive, so i'm going to try to buy it off our neighbors. haha. I'm cheap, and poor.

I just hope i don't regret this in approximately 2 years when I don't know what to do with my degree and i'm living at home trying to fight of the debt collectors with nothing but my weak fists.
( I need to get my overdramaticness out somewhere . . . plus, these are the irrational thoughts in my head )

They come out in little burts. And make no sense.

By the looks of this, i doubt anyone would predict me to be a journalism major. HAHa! on that note, my parking meter is running out...sadly, cause i have nice warm cup full of tea right next to me.

Tata!