Midnight is my thinking hour. I end up in bed, all ready to sleep. Rest my head against the wall, and it's like the weight of it not being on my shoulders anymore is a thought-catalyst. My eyes protest with heavy, sticky blinks...but that Hamster is running a marathon. My brain hamster.
I had all these grand ideas about what I was going to do when I finished college. Not work-wise, I didn't much care, immediately anyways. I thought I would learn things I'd always wanted to, but never did because you couldn't get credit for them - or rather I didn't want to pay $400 a credit to learn them. I think I made a list, it's somewhere...
It's somewhat true. In a different way than I expected. I have been able to find more peace in solitude than ever before, which is a feat of learning in itself! That next to a 9-5 that I'm not fulfilled in, to put it politely, and I've gained my version of ambition. I've never been much of an ambitious person. I am ambitious about things I know I can accomplish. Maybe it's not that strict of a science, but I'd say it sums it up. To have ambition about things, for me I think it's a majority willpower, and the rest follows.
I finally had the space, the time, the money, but most importantly the willpower after I graduated to aim myself at some things I've always meant to do but never successfully do. For instance, getting healthy and I've made significant progress. In that I've taken up regular exercise, namely through the medium of running. Who'd a thunk? I had tried several times in the past, and I haven't exercised this regularly since I was 17. I haven't ate this well in my [on-my-own] adult life! I dared to pick up the guitar yet again, and take a stab at it. This time? I feel like I'm actually getting over some sort of hump where I don't feel like a complete novice. And probably the best thing about my 22nd year of life (technically 23rd, if you think about it)? I went out on a limb a little to start leading a women's small group - which you can ask them, I'm very laid-back, but hey that's my style - and it has been by far the best thing I've done this year.
Somehow or another, all of these things I was too overwhelmed by academic learning to pursue. Academic learning is not my forte. It very well could be, but my willpower was only strong enough to finish what needed to be done, to get a plaque on my wall. I regret that mentality a little, but that regret has also fed my drive to put myself into the things I have been doing. Remind myself that I like learning. I am a student in life; not at the U of M for a bachelors degree!
Maybe that is ambition, I don't know. But I do know that there are plenty of things I can do if I set my mind and heart to them; many things I can learn and experience. It's just the tiny step to cook real meals; put on the running shoes and tie back my hair; clip my beloved nails, show up to the lesson and put in the practice hours; open my door to whoever may come once a week for a year (& beyond).
And with all education, there is a learning curve. It stretches your capacity and sensitivity to grace...which is what I've been so stuck on and returning to the last few weeks: Grace. In all places it's astonishing. To have it for yourself, for someone else, for someone else to have it for you, etc. etc. But that's a whole other topic...
The ingredients to do something you're not yet equipped with the experience for? Willpower to move towards it; ambition to fuel your fire; and grace for the falls.
