This is a very interesting time for me. Much like how the mild chill moving in is a foreshadowing of fall, this moment of joy in freedom is a foreshadowing of it. It's hard to explain to people that you're happy you got laid off. Maybe it's stupid how much I've been talking about it, but I really am joyful! It's easy to receive mixed reactions. In fact, a grand total of three people have immediately shared my sentiment: this is a good thing.
This is a poignant time for me. Something the average person, or even people relatively close to me don't know is that this is a special moment in light of the way I grew up. There are things I grew up in, that make me the person I am today, that I also don't freely offer as insights - not that I'm afraid to. There's something special about some of the deepest intricacies of a person that should be worth working to get to, or in this case serve a purpose. I'm finally getting to a place in life where I'm learning that vulnerability is something that can be used too loosely! That's a whole other post, and I'm not shooting for the hat trick tonight...
That something is this: My father has been in and out of countless jobs throughout my life. Not because he's not good at what he does, - he's great at it - more than anything because he is different than most people in his field. So I'd grown up through days, weeks and months long stints of tense dinner conversations about whether or not I could go on a field trip because we may not have the money. Or whether we should start thinking about selling the house I'd grown up in. Or enduring arguments about having faith that God would come through, and in my teens on up, participating in those arguments.
There was a fear that could come with me; become my companion. I could make it a place at my table, and tuck it in next to me in bed at night. But I won't. As I was being raised in something that I could have adopted, God was raising me up in an understanding of His provision and sovereignty. With His teachings over the last few years in particular, going into unemployment as an adult, responsible for my own bills, isn't paralyzing me. It very well could do that, and I think it's perplexing that it wouldn't. There's still some resonating mystery to it, that it's something I've seen strike up fear throughout my entire upbringing, but by some grace I'm sustained with peace, over being consumed by anxiety.
It is a meaningful time for me, to be able to see the fruits of God's hand in my life.
The Lord is the stronghold of my life - of whom shall I be afraid?
