Oh, how I love this city!
Monday, March 31, 2008
It'll pay off someday,...or not!
That whole, "it'll pay of later" thing - yeah, pretty much crap! That's what my parents always tell me when i start to get burnt out on school. Then i thought about, and i think that's a bunch of crap. It bothers me that i have to sit through a bunch of crap classes like my business writing class, because someone else wants me to. It won't pay of later.
I am going into photography, I basically already came to terms with the idea of dying poor. I don't care, although debt is different. That's the key here that bothers me; I don't want to die with debt for my stupid writing classes where i write 5-10 page research papers for only my teachers to read. Dying poor, ok - dying with worthless college debt, stupid!
And I get writing a research article for a paper or magazine, but for only your teacher? It's a giant waste of time. I am actually starting to feel slightly guilty for killing trees with the mounds of paper i've wasted writing papers for all my stupid classes at normandale that have been nothing to me, nor will be anything to me besides someone else giving me what they consider valid training to be paid far too little to live these days. That is how i feel about school and how "it will pay off". If i'm lucky, i'll pay off.
And yet, it's classes like my business writing class that slowly but surely kill my dream of ever being a columnist or published writer of some kind.
I am going into photography, I basically already came to terms with the idea of dying poor. I don't care, although debt is different. That's the key here that bothers me; I don't want to die with debt for my stupid writing classes where i write 5-10 page research papers for only my teachers to read. Dying poor, ok - dying with worthless college debt, stupid!
And I get writing a research article for a paper or magazine, but for only your teacher? It's a giant waste of time. I am actually starting to feel slightly guilty for killing trees with the mounds of paper i've wasted writing papers for all my stupid classes at normandale that have been nothing to me, nor will be anything to me besides someone else giving me what they consider valid training to be paid far too little to live these days. That is how i feel about school and how "it will pay off". If i'm lucky, i'll pay off.
And yet, it's classes like my business writing class that slowly but surely kill my dream of ever being a columnist or published writer of some kind.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
2007, I miss you and your carefree happiness!
I was thinking about it, and i just began to realize what a good year 2007 was. Only when it's almost April of 2008 do i begin to realize this. It was a good year, at least for me a huge majority of it was. I feel like i learned so much!
And quite frankly, 2008 sucks! Thus far, i am not liking 2008. It has been constantly kicking my butt! Like school, i'll be lucky if i don't completely botch up my GPA at the end of the year. I've never slacked so much in my life! I'm just far too apathetic about this whole situation. I don't really know (ONCE AGAIN) where i want to finish out my degree (it's a whole confusing mess i don't feel like blowing that wide open at this moment).
Then there's work. If people haven't figured it out yet, I left Caribou to work at Starbucks which is somewhat a challenge because some stuff is different and it's way busier! They have a lot more standards and stuff too! It's crazy. I guess i was comfortable at Caribou; it's like that feeling when you wake up on a cold winter morning and you have to get right up the minute your alarm goes off...it's kinda like, yeah next is a hot shower, but i have to get out of bed. I could sit here in my warmth and filth...or go to different warmth and get clean. That's that.
Friends. Hmm, well there are some people that have been keeping me going as usual! What would i be without you! Then there were some i learned their true colors. It's better. I know it is, but it's still hard to walk away.
Lastly, but not leastly my problem that has recently stirred up more trouble: (no, not my tendency to blame others with my problems, shockingly since i do that so often) my klutziness. It causes problems. It's not good, and now, neither is my tail bone or my spine. It's jammed and painful. I feel like an old person. And my clothes got covered in mud. So that's my life in 2008. It should be interesting to see where this year takes me, although so far it doesn't look good and i don't know what to do with myself so that'll make it interesting i guess.
Hopefully 2008 will stop kicking my butt and give me a breather. That'd be nice.
And quite frankly, 2008 sucks! Thus far, i am not liking 2008. It has been constantly kicking my butt! Like school, i'll be lucky if i don't completely botch up my GPA at the end of the year. I've never slacked so much in my life! I'm just far too apathetic about this whole situation. I don't really know (ONCE AGAIN) where i want to finish out my degree (it's a whole confusing mess i don't feel like blowing that wide open at this moment).
Then there's work. If people haven't figured it out yet, I left Caribou to work at Starbucks which is somewhat a challenge because some stuff is different and it's way busier! They have a lot more standards and stuff too! It's crazy. I guess i was comfortable at Caribou; it's like that feeling when you wake up on a cold winter morning and you have to get right up the minute your alarm goes off...it's kinda like, yeah next is a hot shower, but i have to get out of bed. I could sit here in my warmth and filth...or go to different warmth and get clean. That's that.
Friends. Hmm, well there are some people that have been keeping me going as usual! What would i be without you! Then there were some i learned their true colors. It's better. I know it is, but it's still hard to walk away.
Lastly, but not leastly my problem that has recently stirred up more trouble: (no, not my tendency to blame others with my problems, shockingly since i do that so often) my klutziness. It causes problems. It's not good, and now, neither is my tail bone or my spine. It's jammed and painful. I feel like an old person. And my clothes got covered in mud. So that's my life in 2008. It should be interesting to see where this year takes me, although so far it doesn't look good and i don't know what to do with myself so that'll make it interesting i guess.
Hopefully 2008 will stop kicking my butt and give me a breather. That'd be nice.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Right From The Start
I love you and i want to,
Each time i try to,
I see inside to,
The things I hate about you,
You say you've always been this way,
If you had,
Why would i bother to say,
Why would i bother with you,
To begin,
If it had always been this way,
I'd never have thickened my skin,
I'd never have let you go,
Never let the thought of you flow,
Out of my mind into the atmosphere,
Where it's different from down here,
Where you disintegrate and revere,
Wishing that you were here,
Wishing that you were here,
With me,
Where you know you ought to be,
Smiling laughing lovingly,
Never hurting just to see,
Open your eyes dear,
To see all that it is you hear,
Shut your mouth dear,
To the exiting things that sear
into the heart of me,
Breaking me down and leaving me be,
Don't you see just how you've done,
Exactly what you claim you had begun,
Long ago when we first met,
And our hearts hadn't yet,
Known what we would know,
That we would love and we would grow,
Together,
Never did i know what too soon would show,
When it hit me like a hurricane,
I never thought i'd feel the same,
The sheer magnitude that came,
I had to see it was a game,
That you are nothing but a child,
So the words you speak are mild,
Yes you are nothing but a boy,
Sorrow not my heart employ,
For you are just a little boy,
Searching through the world for joy,
Blind to all the change to come,
All other feelings have turned numb,
Maybe someday you'll be blessed again,
And maybe you'll recognize it then,
Don't pass it by and slight it,
Try your best not to fight it,
Let it into your heart,
Right from the start.
Each time i try to,
I see inside to,
The things I hate about you,
You say you've always been this way,
If you had,
Why would i bother to say,
Why would i bother with you,
To begin,
If it had always been this way,
I'd never have thickened my skin,
I'd never have let you go,
Never let the thought of you flow,
Out of my mind into the atmosphere,
Where it's different from down here,
Where you disintegrate and revere,
Wishing that you were here,
Wishing that you were here,
With me,
Where you know you ought to be,
Smiling laughing lovingly,
Never hurting just to see,
Open your eyes dear,
To see all that it is you hear,
Shut your mouth dear,
To the exiting things that sear
into the heart of me,
Breaking me down and leaving me be,
Don't you see just how you've done,
Exactly what you claim you had begun,
Long ago when we first met,
And our hearts hadn't yet,
Known what we would know,
That we would love and we would grow,
Together,
Never did i know what too soon would show,
When it hit me like a hurricane,
I never thought i'd feel the same,
The sheer magnitude that came,
I had to see it was a game,
That you are nothing but a child,
So the words you speak are mild,
Yes you are nothing but a boy,
Sorrow not my heart employ,
For you are just a little boy,
Searching through the world for joy,
Blind to all the change to come,
All other feelings have turned numb,
Maybe someday you'll be blessed again,
And maybe you'll recognize it then,
Don't pass it by and slight it,
Try your best not to fight it,
Let it into your heart,
Right from the start.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Thoughts of the Day
I'm getting excited about life again! The future holds promise again. I think God is just letting me rest assured. He's telling me to do more general thinking, not to get too worried and just to survive today the best I can. It's nice to feel comfortable again.
I have plans for the future, but nothing that's more than next fall. After that, things are still up in the air. I almost feel better about that, I have plans and goals, but nothing that if i don't achieve it by a certain date it'll be the end of the world.
Ok, I kinda lied:
I used to want to get married by age 21/22 and now I'm like WOW! that is too soon. That is so close, it's scary! I don't really think that's a great marriage age anymore. Whenever is fine. Maybe even never is fine, i'm getting to be more apathetic...even though i really want a boyfriend. That's beside the point.
The goal i still want by a certain age is to buy a house. I think it's wise to own by the time i'm 25 or 26. I don't want to waste time renting, and i don't think i want to move around forever like all my siblings have been doing. That would suck! I want to start making my own home as soon as possible after i move out of my parents' house. We were talking about renting to own a home and i think it's really smart! I would definitely pursue that. And even if i just would fix it up and sell it down the road, a roof over my head with a lock on the door sounds good to me! I'm so pumped for the day i know i can look into my own house. It's the only feminist "do things on my own" thing i have, buying a house while i'm single & young.
I also am excited for a small possibility to display and sell my photos! I'm going to pray about it more than get excited, cause i just want an opportunity for someone to like my work that's not related or obligated in any way. I mean i don't really expect any of my friends or family to be able to say "Alicia, you suck at this don't go into it." but if i showed them my paintings i would hope they'd say don't do it. Hopefully photography is a little more realistic, haha.
Those are my current thoughts. I can't wait to buy a house, i want a boyfriend but can definitely wait to get married unless for some reason the timing is perfect, and i just got comfortable leaving the future up to somebody else : )
I have plans for the future, but nothing that's more than next fall. After that, things are still up in the air. I almost feel better about that, I have plans and goals, but nothing that if i don't achieve it by a certain date it'll be the end of the world.
Ok, I kinda lied:
I used to want to get married by age 21/22 and now I'm like WOW! that is too soon. That is so close, it's scary! I don't really think that's a great marriage age anymore. Whenever is fine. Maybe even never is fine, i'm getting to be more apathetic...even though i really want a boyfriend. That's beside the point.
The goal i still want by a certain age is to buy a house. I think it's wise to own by the time i'm 25 or 26. I don't want to waste time renting, and i don't think i want to move around forever like all my siblings have been doing. That would suck! I want to start making my own home as soon as possible after i move out of my parents' house. We were talking about renting to own a home and i think it's really smart! I would definitely pursue that. And even if i just would fix it up and sell it down the road, a roof over my head with a lock on the door sounds good to me! I'm so pumped for the day i know i can look into my own house. It's the only feminist "do things on my own" thing i have, buying a house while i'm single & young.
I also am excited for a small possibility to display and sell my photos! I'm going to pray about it more than get excited, cause i just want an opportunity for someone to like my work that's not related or obligated in any way. I mean i don't really expect any of my friends or family to be able to say "Alicia, you suck at this don't go into it." but if i showed them my paintings i would hope they'd say don't do it. Hopefully photography is a little more realistic, haha.
Those are my current thoughts. I can't wait to buy a house, i want a boyfriend but can definitely wait to get married unless for some reason the timing is perfect, and i just got comfortable leaving the future up to somebody else : )
Monday, March 17, 2008
Days Like Today
Days like today are the ones that really blow,
They leave you down and feeling low,
No one's around to comfort you,
To make you better when you're blue,
It's days like today that make the world hard to handle,
That make you want to slip away from the scandal,
Days like today make simple dreams dance in your head,
When you finally get to lay down safe in your bed,
When it all fades away,
Only to wake,
To another one like today,
Waiting again for dreams to take,
Your simple mind,
To a lovelier place,
Where time is no matter and there is grace,
Oh to escape from a day like today,
Find myself another way,
To make a living and learn to survive,
Learn the secret to staying alive,
When all the world keeps dragging you down,
Farther and farther until you drown,
Drown in the tears of the sorrow of your heart,
That were never there to begin, at the start,
They have formed like sediments on stone,
Just waiting for you to set the tone,
The perfect one that would break it all down,
So you could pull me until i drown,
Drown these thoughts in a bottle or two,
I would but that's not me it's you,
I just have to remember it's just, that i do,
Stand up for myself against the things you do,
And until the day that you see yourself clearly,
We cannot! We cannot merely,
Float along like this silent forever,
Hiding it all thinking you're clever,
You've never known all along,
That you're the reason for the anger in my song,
You're the root of the reason,
I'll cry myself to sleep,
You've heard me say it,
And yet your pride you keep,
Does it not effect you,
To hear such things are true,
Doubtful, i daresay because that isn't you,
It's all about deceit,
Lies, twisting, turmoil,
Watching, waiting, stirring,
Bringing it to a boil,
I've tried and i try,
Constantly asked why,
Why do i bother with such as you,
When every word you tell me,
I believe to be untrue,
Read into this how you want, HUN,
But when this is over,
I assure you, it's done.
They leave you down and feeling low,
No one's around to comfort you,
To make you better when you're blue,
It's days like today that make the world hard to handle,
That make you want to slip away from the scandal,
Days like today make simple dreams dance in your head,
When you finally get to lay down safe in your bed,
When it all fades away,
Only to wake,
To another one like today,
Waiting again for dreams to take,
Your simple mind,
To a lovelier place,
Where time is no matter and there is grace,
Oh to escape from a day like today,
Find myself another way,
To make a living and learn to survive,
Learn the secret to staying alive,
When all the world keeps dragging you down,
Farther and farther until you drown,
Drown in the tears of the sorrow of your heart,
That were never there to begin, at the start,
They have formed like sediments on stone,
Just waiting for you to set the tone,
The perfect one that would break it all down,
So you could pull me until i drown,
Drown these thoughts in a bottle or two,
I would but that's not me it's you,
I just have to remember it's just, that i do,
Stand up for myself against the things you do,
And until the day that you see yourself clearly,
We cannot! We cannot merely,
Float along like this silent forever,
Hiding it all thinking you're clever,
You've never known all along,
That you're the reason for the anger in my song,
You're the root of the reason,
I'll cry myself to sleep,
You've heard me say it,
And yet your pride you keep,
Does it not effect you,
To hear such things are true,
Doubtful, i daresay because that isn't you,
It's all about deceit,
Lies, twisting, turmoil,
Watching, waiting, stirring,
Bringing it to a boil,
I've tried and i try,
Constantly asked why,
Why do i bother with such as you,
When every word you tell me,
I believe to be untrue,
Read into this how you want, HUN,
But when this is over,
I assure you, it's done.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
My thoughts on the future & the world & society
I'm becoming more and more suffocated by my future life. It's like an impending evil. I don't want to figure out what I want to do with my life, I have a fear of not doing it right the first time. I think with any of the mistakes my siblings have made, and all the accomplishments they have, i have a small amount of wiggle room.
I've pretty much decided now that I don't want to go to MCAD. Wonderful. I have no REAL plans for my future life. I was being told i was wise for mapping out my life, now i don't know where i want to go, besides not hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt. Far, far away from debt. I don't even know what i want to do with my degree, which has never bothered me. But i know Photography. I know Bachelor's degree. I know study abroad in Ireland & Paris. I know cheap. I know close. I just don't know where. What school. What school offers all that i need!
I'm rethinking the U of M, but i still haven't figured out if they DO or DO NOT offer photography because i've heard both! That WAS my ideal school, but then i read they don't offer my major. But i know someone who got a degree in it. AND they have a build your major program. But i want to go somewhere that they have a variety of photo classes so that going is worth it. I want a jam-packed photo education. I don't need to waste my time on other random classes, unless they are the classes that are offered in my study abroad programs then i'll take whatever.
I'm still interested in seeing what i DO end up doing with my life. I'm interested in experiencing the future, but i'm scared of other people's judgments on my life choices.
I think that people should look at their own lives before they ponder other peoples'. I don't think people these days look at themselves enough. They think about themselves a lot, but they don't try to admit they're wrong and change. It's like changing is something you should be ashamed of. Ugh! Society! The world!
I've pretty much decided now that I don't want to go to MCAD. Wonderful. I have no REAL plans for my future life. I was being told i was wise for mapping out my life, now i don't know where i want to go, besides not hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt. Far, far away from debt. I don't even know what i want to do with my degree, which has never bothered me. But i know Photography. I know Bachelor's degree. I know study abroad in Ireland & Paris. I know cheap. I know close. I just don't know where. What school. What school offers all that i need!
I'm rethinking the U of M, but i still haven't figured out if they DO or DO NOT offer photography because i've heard both! That WAS my ideal school, but then i read they don't offer my major. But i know someone who got a degree in it. AND they have a build your major program. But i want to go somewhere that they have a variety of photo classes so that going is worth it. I want a jam-packed photo education. I don't need to waste my time on other random classes, unless they are the classes that are offered in my study abroad programs then i'll take whatever.
I'm still interested in seeing what i DO end up doing with my life. I'm interested in experiencing the future, but i'm scared of other people's judgments on my life choices.
I think that people should look at their own lives before they ponder other peoples'. I don't think people these days look at themselves enough. They think about themselves a lot, but they don't try to admit they're wrong and change. It's like changing is something you should be ashamed of. Ugh! Society! The world!
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