Though my eyes search you,
Still I don't know,
I want to move but seems I can't go,
What matter is it,
If there's no way,
Heart sinks to fall away,
Flounders to the surface at everything you say,
Words stick in my throat,
Refusing to come out,
Their tight-gripping hands are my doubt,
My fingers still work,
My heart still pumps
the blood to my brain,
So the neurons race from end to end,
When I see your face, my friend,
And thanks: I haven't written a word,
For a while,
My catalyst: your smile.
Friday, August 16, 2013
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Peace Over Consuming Anxiety
This is a very interesting time for me. Much like how the mild chill moving in is a foreshadowing of fall, this moment of joy in freedom is a foreshadowing of it. It's hard to explain to people that you're happy you got laid off. Maybe it's stupid how much I've been talking about it, but I really am joyful! It's easy to receive mixed reactions. In fact, a grand total of three people have immediately shared my sentiment: this is a good thing.
This is a poignant time for me. Something the average person, or even people relatively close to me don't know is that this is a special moment in light of the way I grew up. There are things I grew up in, that make me the person I am today, that I also don't freely offer as insights - not that I'm afraid to. There's something special about some of the deepest intricacies of a person that should be worth working to get to, or in this case serve a purpose. I'm finally getting to a place in life where I'm learning that vulnerability is something that can be used too loosely! That's a whole other post, and I'm not shooting for the hat trick tonight...
That something is this: My father has been in and out of countless jobs throughout my life. Not because he's not good at what he does, - he's great at it - more than anything because he is different than most people in his field. So I'd grown up through days, weeks and months long stints of tense dinner conversations about whether or not I could go on a field trip because we may not have the money. Or whether we should start thinking about selling the house I'd grown up in. Or enduring arguments about having faith that God would come through, and in my teens on up, participating in those arguments.
There was a fear that could come with me; become my companion. I could make it a place at my table, and tuck it in next to me in bed at night. But I won't. As I was being raised in something that I could have adopted, God was raising me up in an understanding of His provision and sovereignty. With His teachings over the last few years in particular, going into unemployment as an adult, responsible for my own bills, isn't paralyzing me. It very well could do that, and I think it's perplexing that it wouldn't. There's still some resonating mystery to it, that it's something I've seen strike up fear throughout my entire upbringing, but by some grace I'm sustained with peace, over being consumed by anxiety.
It is a meaningful time for me, to be able to see the fruits of God's hand in my life.
The Lord is the stronghold of my life - of whom shall I be afraid?
This is a poignant time for me. Something the average person, or even people relatively close to me don't know is that this is a special moment in light of the way I grew up. There are things I grew up in, that make me the person I am today, that I also don't freely offer as insights - not that I'm afraid to. There's something special about some of the deepest intricacies of a person that should be worth working to get to, or in this case serve a purpose. I'm finally getting to a place in life where I'm learning that vulnerability is something that can be used too loosely! That's a whole other post, and I'm not shooting for the hat trick tonight...
That something is this: My father has been in and out of countless jobs throughout my life. Not because he's not good at what he does, - he's great at it - more than anything because he is different than most people in his field. So I'd grown up through days, weeks and months long stints of tense dinner conversations about whether or not I could go on a field trip because we may not have the money. Or whether we should start thinking about selling the house I'd grown up in. Or enduring arguments about having faith that God would come through, and in my teens on up, participating in those arguments.
There was a fear that could come with me; become my companion. I could make it a place at my table, and tuck it in next to me in bed at night. But I won't. As I was being raised in something that I could have adopted, God was raising me up in an understanding of His provision and sovereignty. With His teachings over the last few years in particular, going into unemployment as an adult, responsible for my own bills, isn't paralyzing me. It very well could do that, and I think it's perplexing that it wouldn't. There's still some resonating mystery to it, that it's something I've seen strike up fear throughout my entire upbringing, but by some grace I'm sustained with peace, over being consumed by anxiety.
It is a meaningful time for me, to be able to see the fruits of God's hand in my life.
The Lord is the stronghold of my life - of whom shall I be afraid?
Me & the Guitar
I've tried with this instrument several times now. This is the first time I feel like I'm actually getting anywhere. I think it's the third time, but who's actually counting?
Since I was young, I've loved music. I was raised to love music; it's in my blood to love it. And I've written poetry nearly since I could write. At some point writing poetry blurred into writing, probably terrible, songs, which turned into writing decent songs, but still never fully bringing them to completion. It probably sounds a bit asinine, but for a long time I've felt like I would be a more whole person if I played an instrument. Probably because music is important to me; it's like being a romantic but never having been in love.
I've tried to learn three instruments, of which guitar is the one I'd wanted to learn most and none of the rest ever stuck. I always felt like the guitar and I would get along; we would be good together. But it's also so incredibly confusing to me. I just have this feeling that there's this barrier I have to get past where all of a sudden it will click. The thought of which scares me.
See, I am the type to see the potential in everything, but to sell myself short and so, sit still. I got this feeling in the spring, that I should pick it up again, and try again; really try. A guitar came my way, and I clipped my finger nails (a big step for me). And I clipped them again. I picked that thing up and I fought it, for a while. I was frustrated, but I persisted. I went out of my comfort zone to do lessons - hit strings in front of people! For the first time I feel like I'm actually getting somewhere.
Maybe it's because I'm in a place where I have space for it. I understand a bit more about learning and the privilege it is. I'm in a place of seeking what I have to gain, and moving on it. Now I'm only left to persist. And keep clipping my nails.
(And now that I've written this, I definitely have to stick with it...right?)
Since I was young, I've loved music. I was raised to love music; it's in my blood to love it. And I've written poetry nearly since I could write. At some point writing poetry blurred into writing, probably terrible, songs, which turned into writing decent songs, but still never fully bringing them to completion. It probably sounds a bit asinine, but for a long time I've felt like I would be a more whole person if I played an instrument. Probably because music is important to me; it's like being a romantic but never having been in love.
I've tried to learn three instruments, of which guitar is the one I'd wanted to learn most and none of the rest ever stuck. I always felt like the guitar and I would get along; we would be good together. But it's also so incredibly confusing to me. I just have this feeling that there's this barrier I have to get past where all of a sudden it will click. The thought of which scares me.
See, I am the type to see the potential in everything, but to sell myself short and so, sit still. I got this feeling in the spring, that I should pick it up again, and try again; really try. A guitar came my way, and I clipped my finger nails (a big step for me). And I clipped them again. I picked that thing up and I fought it, for a while. I was frustrated, but I persisted. I went out of my comfort zone to do lessons - hit strings in front of people! For the first time I feel like I'm actually getting somewhere.
Maybe it's because I'm in a place where I have space for it. I understand a bit more about learning and the privilege it is. I'm in a place of seeking what I have to gain, and moving on it. Now I'm only left to persist. And keep clipping my nails.
(And now that I've written this, I definitely have to stick with it...right?)
Monday, August 12, 2013
Attribution of Joy
On my birthday, at the behest of a few friends, we did a game of sorts, aptly called The Birthday Questions. Just as you may suspect, it involves questions; some about the last year as well as the year to come. Then, at the end, everyone goes around and says something they appreciate about the birthday person. I was so honored and astounded that so many of my friends and family cited my joy!
It was astounding because as I've admitted previously, I'd recently come to the realization that the eminence of joy I'd been characterized by throughout my life was lacking. And I felt it, but I'd realized this only after recently feeling the Lord restoring me to that joy and feeling familiar to myself again. It's such a part of my identity that to feel as though I'd lacked its poignancy, makes its return all the more relieving. And the mention again by others of its prominence all the more honoring and profound!
It is all to God's glory! It's my knowledge of and experience with Him...I can't explain otherwise why I'm this way; I can't even really explain it to begin! I just know if I didn't know the Lord, - if I didn't have the hope that I do, there's no way I would know such a joy; exude any joy at all.
And I hope to live that better than I have in the past. Not take it for granted. I hope that it doesn't just stand out to people, but help them understand who God is. See an aspect of Him often lost in the muck. Because if you ask me why, I can't explain it further than it's because of what I know to be true.
It was astounding because as I've admitted previously, I'd recently come to the realization that the eminence of joy I'd been characterized by throughout my life was lacking. And I felt it, but I'd realized this only after recently feeling the Lord restoring me to that joy and feeling familiar to myself again. It's such a part of my identity that to feel as though I'd lacked its poignancy, makes its return all the more relieving. And the mention again by others of its prominence all the more honoring and profound!
It is all to God's glory! It's my knowledge of and experience with Him...I can't explain otherwise why I'm this way; I can't even really explain it to begin! I just know if I didn't know the Lord, - if I didn't have the hope that I do, there's no way I would know such a joy; exude any joy at all.
And I hope to live that better than I have in the past. Not take it for granted. I hope that it doesn't just stand out to people, but help them understand who God is. See an aspect of Him often lost in the muck. Because if you ask me why, I can't explain it further than it's because of what I know to be true.
Thursday, August 08, 2013
Thinking Hour: My Brain Hamster on 'Ambition'
Midnight is my thinking hour. I end up in bed, all ready to sleep. Rest my head against the wall, and it's like the weight of it not being on my shoulders anymore is a thought-catalyst. My eyes protest with heavy, sticky blinks...but that Hamster is running a marathon. My brain hamster.
I had all these grand ideas about what I was going to do when I finished college. Not work-wise, I didn't much care, immediately anyways. I thought I would learn things I'd always wanted to, but never did because you couldn't get credit for them - or rather I didn't want to pay $400 a credit to learn them. I think I made a list, it's somewhere...
It's somewhat true. In a different way than I expected. I have been able to find more peace in solitude than ever before, which is a feat of learning in itself! That next to a 9-5 that I'm not fulfilled in, to put it politely, and I've gained my version of ambition. I've never been much of an ambitious person. I am ambitious about things I know I can accomplish. Maybe it's not that strict of a science, but I'd say it sums it up. To have ambition about things, for me I think it's a majority willpower, and the rest follows.
I finally had the space, the time, the money, but most importantly the willpower after I graduated to aim myself at some things I've always meant to do but never successfully do. For instance, getting healthy and I've made significant progress. In that I've taken up regular exercise, namely through the medium of running. Who'd a thunk? I had tried several times in the past, and I haven't exercised this regularly since I was 17. I haven't ate this well in my [on-my-own] adult life! I dared to pick up the guitar yet again, and take a stab at it. This time? I feel like I'm actually getting over some sort of hump where I don't feel like a complete novice. And probably the best thing about my 22nd year of life (technically 23rd, if you think about it)? I went out on a limb a little to start leading a women's small group - which you can ask them, I'm very laid-back, but hey that's my style - and it has been by far the best thing I've done this year.
Somehow or another, all of these things I was too overwhelmed by academic learning to pursue. Academic learning is not my forte. It very well could be, but my willpower was only strong enough to finish what needed to be done, to get a plaque on my wall. I regret that mentality a little, but that regret has also fed my drive to put myself into the things I have been doing. Remind myself that I like learning. I am a student in life; not at the U of M for a bachelors degree!
Maybe that is ambition, I don't know. But I do know that there are plenty of things I can do if I set my mind and heart to them; many things I can learn and experience. It's just the tiny step to cook real meals; put on the running shoes and tie back my hair; clip my beloved nails, show up to the lesson and put in the practice hours; open my door to whoever may come once a week for a year (& beyond).
And with all education, there is a learning curve. It stretches your capacity and sensitivity to grace...which is what I've been so stuck on and returning to the last few weeks: Grace. In all places it's astonishing. To have it for yourself, for someone else, for someone else to have it for you, etc. etc. But that's a whole other topic...
The ingredients to do something you're not yet equipped with the experience for? Willpower to move towards it; ambition to fuel your fire; and grace for the falls.
I had all these grand ideas about what I was going to do when I finished college. Not work-wise, I didn't much care, immediately anyways. I thought I would learn things I'd always wanted to, but never did because you couldn't get credit for them - or rather I didn't want to pay $400 a credit to learn them. I think I made a list, it's somewhere...
It's somewhat true. In a different way than I expected. I have been able to find more peace in solitude than ever before, which is a feat of learning in itself! That next to a 9-5 that I'm not fulfilled in, to put it politely, and I've gained my version of ambition. I've never been much of an ambitious person. I am ambitious about things I know I can accomplish. Maybe it's not that strict of a science, but I'd say it sums it up. To have ambition about things, for me I think it's a majority willpower, and the rest follows.
I finally had the space, the time, the money, but most importantly the willpower after I graduated to aim myself at some things I've always meant to do but never successfully do. For instance, getting healthy and I've made significant progress. In that I've taken up regular exercise, namely through the medium of running. Who'd a thunk? I had tried several times in the past, and I haven't exercised this regularly since I was 17. I haven't ate this well in my [on-my-own] adult life! I dared to pick up the guitar yet again, and take a stab at it. This time? I feel like I'm actually getting over some sort of hump where I don't feel like a complete novice. And probably the best thing about my 22nd year of life (technically 23rd, if you think about it)? I went out on a limb a little to start leading a women's small group - which you can ask them, I'm very laid-back, but hey that's my style - and it has been by far the best thing I've done this year.
Somehow or another, all of these things I was too overwhelmed by academic learning to pursue. Academic learning is not my forte. It very well could be, but my willpower was only strong enough to finish what needed to be done, to get a plaque on my wall. I regret that mentality a little, but that regret has also fed my drive to put myself into the things I have been doing. Remind myself that I like learning. I am a student in life; not at the U of M for a bachelors degree!
Maybe that is ambition, I don't know. But I do know that there are plenty of things I can do if I set my mind and heart to them; many things I can learn and experience. It's just the tiny step to cook real meals; put on the running shoes and tie back my hair; clip my beloved nails, show up to the lesson and put in the practice hours; open my door to whoever may come once a week for a year (& beyond).
And with all education, there is a learning curve. It stretches your capacity and sensitivity to grace...which is what I've been so stuck on and returning to the last few weeks: Grace. In all places it's astonishing. To have it for yourself, for someone else, for someone else to have it for you, etc. etc. But that's a whole other topic...
The ingredients to do something you're not yet equipped with the experience for? Willpower to move towards it; ambition to fuel your fire; and grace for the falls.
Monday, August 05, 2013
Everything, & Wanderlust, & Running
I want to do everything. I want to do everything in life. Even the things I'm scared of, I want to do. When I get bored; when my life appears boring, I go into this possibly unhealthy place where I think of all the possibilities for right now. The reason it's potentially unhealthy is because it's probably not helping me feel content with my life.
I get demanding. I want to see things happen, things move. When they're not what I want, or not exciting I want to shake things up.
This is far beyond a desire for an exciting life. Don't think that I just think I'm special and get to have more fun than others. I do, in some ways (haha) but there's a kind of person who can dig their hole and lay down in it, and just - well, avoiding the outright mordbid, - wait. I'm not that person. I think there is something special to someone who is open and ready for heavily dynamic life. Not that you could ever be ready for it all...but there's something about having a wandering heart and just enough courage to chase those dreams.
Some people want the white picket fence and the two-point-five kids, and there's nothing wrong with that; we all have our own cravings, desires, and functions. There are some that crave to move, desire to see, and function out of water, so to speak.
There's nothing wrong with that. I'm a runner. I'm not a commit-aphob, though most of my personality tests will say that (they dually refer to my type as loyal). When things aren't how I want, or envision, I go. Because they're inevitable to be different if the scenery, circumstances, people are all different. Don't think I'm just a quitter, or a scaredy-cat; I've been conditioned. It's my coping mechanism: walk off.
So I was thinking today, of all the things I could do. The places I could go. The adventures I could have. I let myself vacation in a fantasy land where problem A. will be solved, or thing X will disappear. And like I said, I don't think there's anything wrong with being full of wanderlust, but you have to know if you're prone to escaping and you have to know yourself well enough to not to let yourself do it.
I let myself make bookmarks, and do research. And then I go to sleep, and I get back up. I live my life, until the real need for change comes. I wait hopefully for the wanderlust to be satisfied. In life thus far, I have learned: the journey you end up on is way better than the one you had planned.
I get demanding. I want to see things happen, things move. When they're not what I want, or not exciting I want to shake things up.
This is far beyond a desire for an exciting life. Don't think that I just think I'm special and get to have more fun than others. I do, in some ways (haha) but there's a kind of person who can dig their hole and lay down in it, and just - well, avoiding the outright mordbid, - wait. I'm not that person. I think there is something special to someone who is open and ready for heavily dynamic life. Not that you could ever be ready for it all...but there's something about having a wandering heart and just enough courage to chase those dreams.
Some people want the white picket fence and the two-point-five kids, and there's nothing wrong with that; we all have our own cravings, desires, and functions. There are some that crave to move, desire to see, and function out of water, so to speak.
There's nothing wrong with that. I'm a runner. I'm not a commit-aphob, though most of my personality tests will say that (they dually refer to my type as loyal). When things aren't how I want, or envision, I go. Because they're inevitable to be different if the scenery, circumstances, people are all different. Don't think I'm just a quitter, or a scaredy-cat; I've been conditioned. It's my coping mechanism: walk off.
So I was thinking today, of all the things I could do. The places I could go. The adventures I could have. I let myself vacation in a fantasy land where problem A. will be solved, or thing X will disappear. And like I said, I don't think there's anything wrong with being full of wanderlust, but you have to know if you're prone to escaping and you have to know yourself well enough to not to let yourself do it.
I let myself make bookmarks, and do research. And then I go to sleep, and I get back up. I live my life, until the real need for change comes. I wait hopefully for the wanderlust to be satisfied. In life thus far, I have learned: the journey you end up on is way better than the one you had planned.
Something to Say
It's not often that I feel like I should have something to say. Usually I just do have something to say. I think I'm either in a phase, or I'm just growing up and in that, learning when to speak up. I feel like I have been learning that. As silly as it may sound, a while back a friend tweeted a proverb about not having a quick-tongue, and I was challenged, in general.
The proverbs are riddled with wisdom telling us it's better to mind our mouths than to spew without care, even if it is effortless. For me it's so often effortless, to have anything to say, though at times it comes stumbling out...and so that tweet (of all the ridiculous ways to get convicted), it stuck to me. I've been followed around by the notion that just because I have something to say doesn't mean I should. The times to hold my tongue have presented themselves, the fruits of which have typically been clear.
Then what to do when you feel like you should say something but don't know what? Not a situation I often find myself in, but I've been encountering this more now, too. Maybe it's a part of learning the balance; learning to be further choice with my words. I'm more of a fan of intentionality than an employer of it...I've also realized.
Intentional speech. I feel like it could make the world go round. Assuming clarity comes with it, which it rarely seems to. But what power might come with words that are not just pointed but weighed?
I guess, today this is what I have to say.
The proverbs are riddled with wisdom telling us it's better to mind our mouths than to spew without care, even if it is effortless. For me it's so often effortless, to have anything to say, though at times it comes stumbling out...and so that tweet (of all the ridiculous ways to get convicted), it stuck to me. I've been followed around by the notion that just because I have something to say doesn't mean I should. The times to hold my tongue have presented themselves, the fruits of which have typically been clear.
Then what to do when you feel like you should say something but don't know what? Not a situation I often find myself in, but I've been encountering this more now, too. Maybe it's a part of learning the balance; learning to be further choice with my words. I'm more of a fan of intentionality than an employer of it...I've also realized.
Intentional speech. I feel like it could make the world go round. Assuming clarity comes with it, which it rarely seems to. But what power might come with words that are not just pointed but weighed?
I guess, today this is what I have to say.
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