& So It Is...Well With My Soul

One thing I really love about Bloomington, late on those clear, biting winter nights you can actually see stars. That has made arriving in Bloomington after driving all the way home day after day for all these months slightly bearable.

Funny, the timing of this whole thing. I wanted to go to Paris with school, and I'll just be honest, I didn't have all these friends then. A year and a half later, after so many important people have been added into my life, and I am so blessed to have them there...I leave.

I've been so blessed by the many prayers, gifts, and send-offs of so many people. Today it had me thinking, this wouldn't be so hard if I didn't have so many funny, brilliant, loyal, caring, AWESOME people in my life...

I can't stop clasping my fingers together, and resting them on my head, to breathe, - this is really hard...

But the timing here, then is funny. This would've been far easier back in 2008 or 2009, when not all these wonderful people were in my life. Though these wonderful people have helped prepare me, and even propel me towards this.

I made a joke today that you have to leave for six months to find out people love you, but I was partially serious in that I don't think I've ever felt so loved in my entire life.

So a big piece of my heart will definitely be left in the cities, [mostly Minneapolis] with such great friends.

The "Who Cares?" Phase

Every time I get over wanting a relationship, I have this realization. Or maybe that makes it sound too dramatic. Simply, I hit a point when I think, I don't want one.

They make me nervous. Being too hasty about them is a recipe for disaster.

And every time I've gone in and out of this haze (if I can call it that) of wanting a relationship, I realize it wouldn't be a good time. I usually wonder when would, then but...it's a nice feeling to not need one. Who cares!

I should also warn that this part of the cycle, the "who cares" usually lasts a very short period of time. It's nice, while it does.

I'm a firm believer in being a person that can stand on my own two feet, before I try to mess up someone else's life, or involve them in my mess, haha (maybe a good place to start next time I think I want a relationship...hmmm). I know right now, embarking on this crazy section of my life, I'm gonna learn a lot. Being young is not only the perfect time to go do something crazy like this, but to be SINGLE!

The Two Sides

I have no thoughts in my brain these days, and I have a million thoughts in my brain these days. (It's basically as confusing and contradictory as that sentence.) Trying not to think about things too much, cause I've been getting really emotional when I just crack the surface of everything I'm leaving. My conscious, logical side has acknowledged the potential and inevitable difficulty of leaving, it just hasn't fully let this information pass to the emotional side.

Wow, do I sound off? Haha, it's true, I have these two strong parts of me that often battle. It's been good, the times when I have come to a realization. I know I need to get a little bit of this out of my system now so that I don't have a total emotional break down two weeks into Paris.

The logical side of me knows the emotional very well, and is questioning why I'm letting myself do this. Ha. I've thought that several times. I don't like to invest in people, and then walk away, - that which I feel I'll be doing when I leave; I've never been far away from my mother for any significant period of time; I must be crazy. I think that, and then immediately feel like, No. Though I'm sure this late-night rambling isn't making a great case for the "no"...my pragmatic side gets overwhelmed with all the realities, and then I just think, "But I'm doing it."

I'm sure other people feel this way, have felt this way in said sort of situation. I can't help but work this stuff out in a verbal format, or public format, if you will. In other words, I'm just being real here: I'm freaking out a bit, let some emotions hit, but holding some of it off so I can get on the plane and have an adventure.

Amelangeoffeelings

I miss my best friend. And my oldest sister seems set to not talk to me anymore. I feel totally unprepared to leave everything I know for six months. A customer wants to donate to my trip, - yay! I shouldn't have tried to tackle something that gets me so upset before bed - bring on the stress dreams again. I'm gonna miss my job, even though right now it's horribly boring, - it's comfortable and the people are mostly great. Change is weird; the clock moved, and the straws are on the other side, it messed up my groove. I have not bonded with my dog as much as I would've liked before I'm set to leave. My brain hurts. My throat is dry. Everyone seems far away except the people I've only established tight relationships with over the past couple months, - but I'm leaving them soon too. I think one of our biggest problems is thinking we're justified. Another is worrying about how other people "run" their lives. I had a good laugh at the fact that when I was around 10, I had a subscription to cat fancy. Life should be just fun, not people slinging hateful words at one another and building walls. Laughter is pure grace.

Mercy Vineyard!

Today, while sitting in church, probably about ten minutes into the sermon, it hit me: I am going to miss this place!

All of a sudden, I was just trying so hard not to cry. It didn't really work. Which I always wonder what people around must think, like "well, that point wasn't THAT moving."

Anyway, it hit me: I really really love it there. I have been so immensely blessed by that place, whether through individuals, or sundays, or small groups, or pre-schoolers! I love it. And the idea of six months away from it, smacked me in the face today. In the middle of church.

It is my perfect church. It's funny, because people say you will never find your perfect church, and every time I've heard that in oh, the last year and a half I've thought, pretty sure I did. For me.

For me, right now, and for the past two years, and I think when I come back, it is the perfect church. And six months will be really hard,...
but THANK GOD and Mercy volunteers/staff for podcasts!

Crazy? Give it a try!

I'm currently sitting alone in my living room, drinking a self-concocted brandy cocktail, under a blanky, listening to Bon Iver. Finally settling down.

FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN! Between the endorphins, the adrenaline, and the good company, I felt really happy and a little bit jazzed since I left. Haha! So fun.

Earlier today, I was thinking, you just kinda have to do things. The only way to live life, is to live it. If you want to do something, but you're not sure...why not? Like when people talk about moving away, or pursuing a dream of some kind, - why not?

My dream has been to go to Paris, live for a couple months. My dream has been to do a DTS. Both of these things scare me a bit...or a lot, but I'm doing them.

I was invited to go skiing today. I was really nervous I'd make a complete fool out of myself, but I also really wanted to go! I went, got over my fear, and had a total blast! I was right on both accounts: made a bit of a fool of myself, AND had lots of fun. Like every other day of my life.

I came to the conclusion that maybe things like that are crazy, but crazy people lead more interesting lives. So might as well be crazy, when opportunity knocks...

Extraordinary

"Extraordinary", meaning: beyond what is usual, ordinary, regular, or established.

While babysitting at my sister's place for her best friend, naturally I raided her bookshelf. Though in search for Blue Like Jazz, I came across another book I've sought after for some time: The Sun Also Rises. Thank God for the old what's-mine-is-yours family mentality, because I yoinked it (yoink is my new word, adopt it into your vocabulary).

So when I was done and went home, no one was there but my dog. She was so lonely she tweaked out a little. She followed me around begging my attention, and seeing as I'm leaving soon and going to miss her desperately, I played chase with her despite being tired.

Then I thought about watching a movie, but realized it would be a waste of my solitude. I settled on the love-seat by the bright colored-glow of the christmas tree, with a vitamin water and some pretzels. The dog laid on the floor next to the couch. I turned on MPR's classical station, and began to read Ernest Hemmingway's The Sun Also Rises. It begins set in Paris.

I listened to Mendelssohn, Beethoven, and Bach while actually enjoying a classic novel. The only thing missing was a glass of wine and button-less wrap around cardigan.

It was really nice, - not something I ever do, but I enjoyed it.