It's approaching 8:30 on a Sunday night, and I've been trying to figure out what to do with myself and battling feeling emotional, for what reasons I don't even know.
I do know I feel stuck. I've felt stuck for a while in a few ways. I'm stuck on a relationship that just doesn't have any feasible way forward. I was stuck in a job that I saw nowhere to go - now I'm about to go somewhere but it's out the door. I'm stuck living at home, trying to make a dream happen that's derailed by said employment situation. I've felt stuck in my faith for a long time now, like trying to push a boulder when you're already exhausted kind of stuck. I'm more just sitting by the boulder, hoping it rolls for some reason. And not back on me.
Stuck.
I'm not much of an ambitious person, but I am pretty good at knowing if I set my mind to something I can accomplish it. Here and now, I feel all-around stuck. There are too many things to try to make happen at once, and they all affect one another, and the ones that affect me drain my motivation and confidence to pursue the others. Stuck and I can't even tip the first domino.
I'd felt fine about it all, until I realized I can't do nothing. I cannot just take another hit and not get back up...but I kind of want to lie on the mat for a while. Catch my breath. Unfortunately my life isn't a boxing metaphor and I don't really have that option. My sanity feels as though it depends on providence and my strength to keep fighting. And the faint flicker of hope that a day of feeling unstuck is on some future horizon of mine.
And maybe this is just today.
