**Disclaimer: This piece was written pre-deconstruction of religious beliefs and faith system. Many of these beliefs inform the sentiments of the writing and are not in alignment with my values. As this is a part of my journey and an extensive blog over years, I have chosen not to remove a majority of my posts written on faith. Please as a reader, take this into consideration and take what works for you, leave what does not. I also apologize for any harm my words from this past perspective may cause to any readers.**
Sometimes peace is a choice - a destination you set course toward. My therapist told me this week, "you were doing so good," as if to say "What happened?"
She told me I'd found the right things to put me on a good path before, and I just need to return to those things. I felt a little confused from an emotional mini-whirlwind the last week or so - what did I do before that to be on a good path, in a good place?
Today at church it hit me, or God did with the truth: I lost my footing in an instant. I think of when Peter is initially trusting Jesus, he successfully walks on water - for like a hot second. Then when he sees what's happening, he loses focus on the trust and starts to sink. See, I like Peter because God starts the church through him, but he's kind of a dink sometimes. A real putz. It just goes to show, you could have the real, in-the-flesh Jesus doing miracles and stuff in front of you, and still have the struggles. It's in our nature to doubt.
I didn't lose my footing from anything so impressive as walking on water, but it's been a long and tumultuous time of weirdness in my faith. And I realized just this week, I'm still having trouble feeling close to God not because He's far away, but because I went through so much pain that I don't understand and I don't know quite how to recover from. Sure, the appointment before last I went to my therapist and thought, I don't really need to be here, I'm pretty okay. I felt finally normal again.
The truth of it is, I am still struggling to trust God after I feel like He let me down. But He tells us in so many places - today in my heart - that we need to trust Him, not our own understanding.
However, I've found the church doesn't have much to offer people who are trying to trust God in the midst or the wake of great pain. Words don't really do much to that feeling in you that's pretty damn undeniable; kinda feels like, "my life hurts right now." You can't just throw a 'God loves you' at that, because those words only do so much against certain levels of pain. They're not unimportant, but they're not always helpful. There is something to be said for the steadiness of it, though. When you rejoice; set yourself back on the facts of God's loving-kindness and trustworthiness, even if that feels hollow.
So this morning as my heart swelled in worship, thinking of the places in the lives of my friends that I trust God to work, the weight of my own situation crept in. And in His gentleness, He didn't give me any answers, but He reminded me that I can only be satisfied in Him. He reminded me that I cannot be at peace without trusting in His loving-kindness - and that that is a choice. I can't make sense out of loving someone deeply and being parted from them for reasons that my big God should be able to handle, but I can move forward in trust. That trust may feel weak, and the peace may feel weary, but it's less weak and weary than waiting for answers without Him. Because I think that longing for God is in our nature, too.
