I'm a few years into being a runner. Yes, me. Something I never thought I would say, and after a while of separation from this new hobby you could call it, I miss it terribly. The catharsis and the sense of accomplishment that could come from a good run - even just the mental self-pat-on-the-back after a bad one, it's addictive. One minute you think you're a lazy sack of potatoes who could never like running, next thing you know you have a whole separate wardrobe of moisture wick clothing and the most expensive pair of shoes you'll ever buy in your life.
(Even if you couldn't care less about running, stick with me here...)
I even used to have knee pain, well lo and behold, it went away when I became a regular runner (don't worry, science supports this "anomaly"). Well, that is for about three years until this summer. It was July, after my move into my current place. I was trying to find a new route, I was slowly sliding away from a regimen because I missed my run over the two prettiest bridges in this great city. Now I was getting cat-called and dodging traffic, running boring square blocks which make the distance more agonizing. So close to home one day, I planted wrong. I wobbled, recovered and finished my way home.
Fast forward past a lot of painful movements and boring rest, I started working with a trainer. My goal was to try to correct the running-only imbalance I figured I'd created in my leg muscles by adding other exercises. A few weeks in things were going great, I was enjoying getting strong again and accomplishing more things I didn't expect (hello, single leg walkout, you're a beast). All it took was one wrong deadlift (and honestly, probably not enough stretching...guilty!) I tried to rest. Apparently I'm resistant to good reaction to injury, because regular icing and compression were not of interest to me. I just went on babying that leg, and gave up deadlifts along with all other exercise. The effects were nuanced in ways I won't bother to explain, but the kind of things that if you know your body, you can spot if they're off.
Skip the other boring stuff to land at today: My first physical therapy appointment to treat the mysterious knee-ish pain that has died to a very mild discomfort. I felt a little silly explaining to anyone that I was starting PT for what seemed to be a perfectly healthy leg. But I can't run, and well, that is a problem. As the therapist examined me, he compared my unaffected leg with the injured. I learned that my feelings were not unfounded, but some muscles had compensated to alleviate the hurt one, which was likely injured because something in other muscles elsewhere were too tight. In just one day's treatment, I felt a difference. Not only could I see how weak my leg had become all due to one injured muscle, but I saw the hope that it will feel right again.
As I'm in the midst of a great injury to my heart, I can't help but see it in everything right now, and my wonky left leg is no exception. Injury is very real, and pushing through the pain is not actually healthy and no one is impressed when you try. Weakness is sometimes a part of life, we can't always be strong. In the very act of participation, we are vulnerable to hurt. With my knee, I eventually gave up doing certain movements altogether, for fear that it would aggravate the mostly dormant pain. I waited unnecessarily long to truly deal with the pain, and the pain informed my life.
Often old injuries inform our lives now. The actions we take, the words we say or the way we say them can be determined by pain that has dulled to a subtle ache, but still twinges when we revisit the action that hurt it in the first place. There is often a temptation to baby the area, which might only create a dysfunction of another area that overlaps or borders the injured one. In trying to ignore the pain, keep a stiff upper lip, and wait for it to go away, we don't realize we are creating habits that will only continue to hurt us, in a different way.
This is something I'm passionate about, acknowledging our past pains so that in the present we can act based on relevant factors, not based on fear. I know many of my past friendships even have changed the way I move in my relationships today, sometimes in an unhealthy way. In the aftermath of a breakup, there is an immediate temptation to react by declaring I will never embark on romance ever again. If I decide that and baby my injured heart, I'm fairly certain I never will embark on that endeavor again.
What physical therapy aims to do (at least in my case) is loosen the tight spots, and retrain the weak muscles to do their part. It's an uncomfortable and inconvenient process and my leg is slightly sore from the muscle work I did today, but it's completely worth a shot at running in a few months! This is what we often need to do with our emotional and relational hurts. Find the triggers and work toward changing things so that there is more balance, and less dysfunction. Stretch out self-reflection and grace for others; retrain actions, reactions, and priorities; set goals that you work toward and then assess after some time.
It will not be easy, it won't be pain free, but the end results are worth the work. It all depends, where are you inhibited, and do you desire to run freely?
