I forgot that I love this part: (which I've written about so many times) the end of my day, lights turned down and tunes on, thinking and writing. I forgot because I haven't been able to do it. I haven't had the time and the energy to sit and think at the end of my day, a time I relish. There's something about the last two jobs I've had that I think has something to do with it. Conversely, I think there's something that keeps me feeling alive to see people's faces that I work with, and to have concrete tasks to check off a list. I think I am learning somethings about what I need to do for my living, and what I need to not do for my living.
For one, it is more important for me to be fulfilled than to be chasing the completion of some theoretical formula, which to me is not fulfilling. I think the pressure of that immediately fell off. It's bad enough not feeling like you're going in the direction of the career you want, but then loathing your job? Not many people seemed to understand that, but that's okay, my life is not up for their approval or otherwise!
I feel like I have this space to think about everything else in life, when I'm not thinking about how I don't want to go to to my job tomorrow, and how I want to find a different one, but have no hope to do so. It could seem like it's all in my head, - and maybe it is - but it's like a sudden weight lifted off me. This job has its own set of challenges as each one will, and maybe I'll be over it in a few short months just like the last two, but I'm not concerning myself with that, because I've felt hope and I feel hope. I think about the next day, and that it's only a hurtle to finding my bearings and footing, then it will just be doing what I know I love. And whatever else comes after...
