People will never be what you want them to be, - a concept I can tell myself, but never feel like I gain any ground on understanding. I tend to have high expectations for how we as humans should act toward one another. Some of it might be how I was raised, some due to being raised in a comparatively large family, some might be personality, and the remainder is utilizing the experiences I've had so far at a ripe 23. I think it's one of my greatest struggles to have grace for the way people are, alongside learning how not to need them so desperately.
The latter is, to me, a fine line between isolation and independence over co-dependence. It's something that after years of finding myself broken-hearted namely from expectations that - though reasonable to me - were too high. Mostly in my childhood and adolescence, I could never understand why my feelings didn't matter more to other people. Still to me as an adult, writing this now, the fact that expecting feelings to matter to others is asking too much doesn't make sense. I think, maybe I'll never wrap my mind around that, - I probably won't. And I'll probably spend a lifetime being disappointed.
It's a vicious cycle, too, because then I find myself struggling to find grace; wanting to disregard the choice I have not to vindicate myself with equal selfishness. I find myself up against a choice about my attitude. And that's where I don't know if it's my upbringing, my personality, or my experience, but for as much as I can understand why anyone would think they way they do, I don't understand the choices I see on a regular basis. Then humanity frustrates me; mouths full of good intentions.
But how incredibly hypocritical! So I try to internalize, as I did through my [even] younger years, the observations and stash them in my quiver.
Much of this thought was actually spurred by my job; a day full of one call after another, where I was on the receiving end of every pounding brunt of some person who was mad it isn't easier for them to save money on their taxes. Insert sarcastic apology and contrived empathy here. I vowed - though I'm sure I'll conveniently forget when I'm the ticked customer calling - to never hang up on a customer service rep; it might ruin their day, and make them want to cry. I will never take it out on them, then half-heartedly apologize for using them as a verbal punching bag. Likely I'll just avoid calling any customer service lines even more now.
It's my job, and it's everything. I'm constantly baffled. But in my befuddlement at society's ability to talk big and act small, I have to hit the reset button. I have to check my hyper-awareness and interpersonal big-shot ideas at the door (wow, I use metaphors second to my lungs!) and recognize we're all human. We're all imperfect, and I will probably be the same jerk to someone else, that I hate when someone is to me. Somehow in that realization, maybe in being cut down to size and shown to be equal, it's easier to find grace.; the humility of that realization brings me to it.
In every moment where I'm faced with the choice, it's like racing through an emotional maze in my mind, in an instant. Deciding to understand that though I wouldn't do that, acting indignant makes me no better; graces splits the difference.
