Wow, I haven't written on here in forever! It seems like for as much time as I manage to waste, there is way too much going on elsewhere in my life. There are so many stirring thoughts, always...I wish I could get paid to think. At this point, I'd be rich - regardless of what it would pay. I'm always, always thinking. I know you're thinking, "well duh! you have to think about everything you do.", but I mean more of a contemplation and introspection. It's intense. I tend to write a lot about thinking, I've noticed. It's just an ongoing process for me. I always have something to figure out, and no I'm not talking like how to solve a Rubix Cube...though metaphorically, I guess. Life just gets so complicated, and messy, and busy, and you feel like you don't have the time to stop and enjoy it for what it is! I have been feeling so bogged down by everything and everyone around me. There are a few people when I think of them or am with them, they help build me up - make me happy, make me laugh. That's all I ever want out of life - is to love and to laugh. Those, to me, are the two most beautiful things to do. There were times I've considered being a comedian but didn't whole-heartedly want to pursue it because I feared that learning to keep my composure would hinder my natural ability to laugh. I'd probably make an excellent comedian, but we'll never know because I don't want to run the risk...I don't want be incapable of laughter. That is probably one of my very utmost fears: losing laughter.
All along in this thinking, I just ponder the big life questions, the questions of where God is calling me to go, what things he is calling me to do, and what he has planned for me. Sometimes I get so lost in my thoughts, just contemplating all these things in my life, that affect my life, that change the way I see the world through my two eyes; Would it be different if they were brown? (I've always wanted brown eyes)
That's the type of thing I'm talking about, I guess - more so the random thoughts than superficial or silly ones, though those definitely fight their way through to dominate at times. I just think about EVERYTHING and it's so hard. The thinking never stops and when I really get tired, I want to go to bed...the words just keeping going through my mind and the thoughts keep racing to the non-existant finish line. It leads me to wonder, will I ever reach a point in my life at which I don't ask questions anymore? If not, maybe that's why life is so difficult: because you are constantly asking, answering, and pondering questions that test who you are, what you believe, and your level of sanity (only in those rare cases with eye color).
I don't know, maybe I'm just a lunatic. Maybe all of this seemed like a bunch of mindless rambling to you (which wouldn't be incorrect, if it comes down to interpretation), but I just need to get these thoughts out sometimes. Sometimes they need to be aired out and publicized. Other times I just need to write them down to help sort them out for myself. All in all, the words just need to come out and be here, right where they belong.
