I feel like people all too often perceive me to be a mean spirited person. I don't know if I come off that way; maybe i make them think that i'm a jerk. I don't know. But regardless, I hate that i seem to never get to put my story in. I have too much of a conscience to lie or twist people's stories. I may be very proud of my ability to strategically word, but not to the point that i'm being mean or changing stories. I just wish sometimes that I would be given a chance.
I just really hate that. Somebody's in a bad mood and they automatically think you're the bad guy. Is it ever possible to have a reasonable explanation? It seems like no one cares anymore. No one cares for explanations, they might as well be excuses.
I'm sorry that it got misconstrued, but i had a good reason. I don't know how you can just walk out like that, and not give me a chance. I expected better from you, but i'm sure i'll just have to let it go because you're just in a bad mood. It just sucks when the one person in the world you can always go to, turns on you in an instant. Just sucks. It wasn't bad until that. Until you left. How could you really just walk out without giving me a chance to explain; to explain that all it was that i felt stupid because of what you said?
I'm sick of people telling me things i already know. Sometimes i feel like people must really think i'm dumb. Wow, they must really think i'm clueless and brainless. Glad i'm figuring out who thinks this now; sooner rather than later!
Apparently, I'm not smart enough to read a medicine label to see how many of the pill i can take. I guess i give off an air of stupidity to the point of risking my life. I must really be stupid. Glad that just happened. What a shitty end to a not so awful day!
Friday, February 29, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
My Influenced Phase...i wrote a poem i'm still not sure about
I miss you dearly even after you've just left,
I miss your musty smell lingering around me,
When you're close,
I miss the giddy look in your eyes,
I miss seeing that every day,
I miss those little glances we had that said so much,
Although no words were spoken,
I even miss the jellyfish way,
You're utterly lacking vertebrae,
I loved how you always made me laugh,
Even when my heart was cracked in half,
I knew I could always count on you,
When life was gray and I felt blue,
You saw past my numerous flaws,
And I know not of the cause,
What thing could persuade you,
Was it my love that repaid you,
For I never thought that you,
Cared like I wanted you to,
But I know as much as I miss you,
You aren't good enough,
You're not everything I want,
You run around and you taunt,
What woman wants a boy,
Who drops her like a toy,
No, boy, you've never been good enough,
I didn't realize it all along,
I discovered where it went wrong,
I could've seen what you lacked,
The odds against you were stacked,
And now I'm stuck missing you,
When I'd rather be kissing you,
Life's funny that way,
When we go astray,
Sometimes we just end up,
Back at the start,
The root; the heart.
~~ This is after reading a lot of lengthy oddly worded poems in my brit lit class! It's a painful class, i rather dislike it surprisingly enough! At first this really sucked. I deleted a whole section because i really hated the poem, then i kinda liked it, and now i'm not sure.
I miss your musty smell lingering around me,
When you're close,
I miss the giddy look in your eyes,
I miss seeing that every day,
I miss those little glances we had that said so much,
Although no words were spoken,
I even miss the jellyfish way,
You're utterly lacking vertebrae,
I loved how you always made me laugh,
Even when my heart was cracked in half,
I knew I could always count on you,
When life was gray and I felt blue,
You saw past my numerous flaws,
And I know not of the cause,
What thing could persuade you,
Was it my love that repaid you,
For I never thought that you,
Cared like I wanted you to,
But I know as much as I miss you,
You aren't good enough,
You're not everything I want,
You run around and you taunt,
What woman wants a boy,
Who drops her like a toy,
No, boy, you've never been good enough,
I didn't realize it all along,
I discovered where it went wrong,
I could've seen what you lacked,
The odds against you were stacked,
And now I'm stuck missing you,
When I'd rather be kissing you,
Life's funny that way,
When we go astray,
Sometimes we just end up,
Back at the start,
The root; the heart.
~~ This is after reading a lot of lengthy oddly worded poems in my brit lit class! It's a painful class, i rather dislike it surprisingly enough! At first this really sucked. I deleted a whole section because i really hated the poem, then i kinda liked it, and now i'm not sure.
Clarifications
I thought of two minor corrections to my previous blog:
1. I don't dislike seeing music live; i love seeing music live. I don't like live music put to CDs. Just to clarify.
2. Love being a sacrifice. Just because love is sacrificing it doesn't mean you should have to sacrifice who you are for someone you love, cause then it's all wrong. Love (as i said before about seeing) is about prioritizing someone or needing them the way they are; not changing them. That's just stupidity.
1. I don't dislike seeing music live; i love seeing music live. I don't like live music put to CDs. Just to clarify.
2. Love being a sacrifice. Just because love is sacrificing it doesn't mean you should have to sacrifice who you are for someone you love, cause then it's all wrong. Love (as i said before about seeing) is about prioritizing someone or needing them the way they are; not changing them. That's just stupidity.
Hey Darlin'
this is a work in progress, but here goes
Hey darlin',
Why aren't you smilin',
Like you used to,
And Hey darlin',
Why are you crying,
You didn't use to,
Aren't you used to,
Th way things are,
Hey darlin',
Things got so hard and,
We didn't want to,
Anymore,
Hey darlin',
Your face ain't shinin',
Like it used to,
And Hey darlin',
My heart ain't poundin',
Like it did before,
What does it all mean,
Let's just come clean,
Let it all out,
But please don't shout,
I can't, I can't, I
Can't take that,
And I can't make that, work,
But hey darlin',
We put our time in,
Like we meant it,
And hey darlin',
You'll go on smiling,
Soon,
Yeah, darlin',
I ain't dyin',
I think I'll make it,
Cause darlin',
This hear ain't broken,
Hey darlin',
Why aren't you smilin',
Like you used to,
And Hey darlin',
Why are you crying,
You didn't use to,
Aren't you used to,
Th way things are,
Hey darlin',
Things got so hard and,
We didn't want to,
Anymore,
Hey darlin',
Your face ain't shinin',
Like it used to,
And Hey darlin',
My heart ain't poundin',
Like it did before,
What does it all mean,
Let's just come clean,
Let it all out,
But please don't shout,
I can't, I can't, I
Can't take that,
And I can't make that, work,
But hey darlin',
We put our time in,
Like we meant it,
And hey darlin',
You'll go on smiling,
Soon,
Yeah, darlin',
I ain't dyin',
I think I'll make it,
Cause darlin',
This hear ain't broken,
Politicians, please hold my baby.
I wouldn't want any of the 2008 presidential candidates holding my baby. This thought occurred to me while at the club working out on the eliptical. I was sort of reading the captions on the t.v. watching some show on ABC called "men in trees" where of course the leading chick comes across her uber-hot man she's secretly in love with (all of this i gathered from about 15 minutes of watching it without sound) shirtless on a rooftop. I thought to myself, this show should be called "Hot Shirtless Men on Rooftops".
Then i look over to what caught my peripheral, low and behold, Hilary Rodham Clinton holding and bouncing some nut-case's baby! Why, oh why in God's name, I wondered to myself, would someone let Hilary Clinton hold their baby. That's like, "Here Satan just for a second, we want to make sure the paparazzi see so we can show our kid someday."
Um, okay crazy.
Sad, random side-note, my mom's laptop's z key is stuck. I have to poke it really furiously to get it to even type one z then another random letter will pop up that i didn't even type. Oh computers, how you make life interesting.
Back to the topic at hand, it made me think; if i was a mother of an infant during this time, i wouldn't want to have my baby's picture taken with any of the candidates left in the running. So i can tell my kid during his or her teenage years, "here's the picture of you and that one perfect stranger who ran for president the year you were born." Um, no, not creepy at all.
Then i look over to what caught my peripheral, low and behold, Hilary Rodham Clinton holding and bouncing some nut-case's baby! Why, oh why in God's name, I wondered to myself, would someone let Hilary Clinton hold their baby. That's like, "Here Satan just for a second, we want to make sure the paparazzi see so we can show our kid someday."
Um, okay crazy.
Sad, random side-note, my mom's laptop's z key is stuck. I have to poke it really furiously to get it to even type one z then another random letter will pop up that i didn't even type. Oh computers, how you make life interesting.
Back to the topic at hand, it made me think; if i was a mother of an infant during this time, i wouldn't want to have my baby's picture taken with any of the candidates left in the running. So i can tell my kid during his or her teenage years, "here's the picture of you and that one perfect stranger who ran for president the year you were born." Um, no, not creepy at all.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Twilight (first draft, cause i don't love it yet)
The twilight keeps on telling lies,
Painting a picture of peace in the skies,
I do not believe it most nights,
The glittering sympathy of the staggered lights,
My eyes see such things and tell me they're fake,
Censoring every bit of my foolish heart's intake,
Oh! Tracing the dark blue back to the fading yellow,
It invigorates me while i still feel mellow,
I long to wander deep into the hiding sun,
For it's endearing brightness has only begun,
Even when the day is long gone,
And to the quiet night we've moved on,
I can still feel that warm glow,
Waiting for the sun once again to show,
In the morning.
Painting a picture of peace in the skies,
I do not believe it most nights,
The glittering sympathy of the staggered lights,
My eyes see such things and tell me they're fake,
Censoring every bit of my foolish heart's intake,
Oh! Tracing the dark blue back to the fading yellow,
It invigorates me while i still feel mellow,
I long to wander deep into the hiding sun,
For it's endearing brightness has only begun,
Even when the day is long gone,
And to the quiet night we've moved on,
I can still feel that warm glow,
Waiting for the sun once again to show,
In the morning.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Random Swirling Thoughts From My Brain
I haven't had a lot of coherent thoughts lately so i haven't been blogging. I dearly love to write before i go to sleep so i figure i'll write all my random tidbits from my brain out into a giant chaotic blog. Sound like fun? Okay, then!
(i'll start out with my one philosophical thought of the week...)
I discovered i'm really bothered by the phrase "Love is Blind". With a little help from a friend, i discovered its origins were indeed not from the bible, but from Shakespeare. Go figure, the man got around, he probably never actually fell in love. I'm bothered by this statement simply because I believe that true, real love (whether romantic or otherwise) is not at all blind. On the contrary, it sees. Love sees past everything bad; it sees the good for what it's worth. Love can be logical, it's not all about your feelings and that fluttery thing in your chest (although that is usually nice). No, love is about sacrifice and it's about realizing what you're willing to sacrifice to keep something or someone around because they are that important to you.
Love is also about importance. What or who is most important becomes your priority. These two, what & who, can be confused with people too, though. You have to make sure that it's really the person, not what they do for you, or how they make you look. Whatever the case may be, love is about people.
Another occurring thought since i last blogged, I hate live music on CD. Not acoustic, acoustic by all means (love acoustic guitar!!!). Live music like from concerts where the crowd is louder than the band for the first 20 seconds of the song. Sometimes the intro is the best part. And when they sing along! Ugh, it drives me crazy...despite the fact that I can't go on a car ride without singing along with the music. It's a habit.
I talk to myself way too darn much. Way too darn much. I catch myself all the time, and then i tell myself that it's rather embarrassing to be conversing with myself and that i should stop before someone sees me. It's usually an extension of the conversation that makes no sense considering i find it to be a bad habit.
I want to write a really good novel. Before i die. Well, obviously. I'm sure in heaven i could write the perfect novel, but it wouldn't really matter then...cause it's heaven, perfection is its theme. I get all these random topics and plots that float into my head from my daily life experiences, but nothing significant enough...yet. Someday.
I really want kids. I need someone in my life to have some freaking babies soon or i'm going to be forced to babysit. I know, no one who bothers to read this would ever expect me to say that. But i just did. Me, babysitting. It's a scary thought, the kid'll be scarred for life. They're just so freaking cute!! And i can't even imagine the love that a parent has to have for their child after everything it takes. It just boggles me. I hope to have nieces and nephews sooner than later.
Life is in God's hands. No matter how hard we try to move it our own way or steer the course, he's there changing the landscape. God continues to amaze me, day after day. Which is funny because i'm just living life right now. I have no connection to the church accept friends and family who attend services. I've just been basking in God's presence in my everyday life for months now, and it's awesome. The only thing i miss is worship. I desperately miss worshiping God! Just closing my eyes and speaking to him, knowing that it pleases him. Having that immediate connection, that moment with God. He's been making it easier for me to trust him, helping me to find the path again. It's so funny, i haven't been going to church regularly for some time now and my relationship with God has grown in so many ways. I feel like i've learned to trust him a lot more with my future, and to see and hear his direction and embrace his guidance.
Life has been moving at such a fast pace. I got really scarred and taken aback in my british literature class the other day. We were reading some poem (Lord only knows what) and my professor said something about how the poem was saying that life goes on. It happens so fast, and we can't ever get that second back. Seconds go by, and by and by, and we waste them so often. I don't know exactly how he put it, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn't believe it, i had never really thought about it before and it was almost like a bunch of regret hit me...but not for anything specific, just for not appreciating time.
I'm one of those people who wants to die early. I'll feel bad for my friends and family left behind, but i think about 70 is just right. It's a morbid thought, but i'd much rather go where the streets have no name ; ) Me and Jesus could chill and he could teach me guitar...i actually hope we have the bodies we die in. I'll be some crazy old lady, just learning the guitar. Haha, but really, heaven just sounds so much better. I'll stay as long as God wants me to, but then it's like a ski-lift ride into the clouds!
I hate lying. I don't like to lie. I think it's just the way i am. I don't think i was made a person who finds pleasure or even solace in lies. I hate them with a passion. I think it's because my name means truth...otherwise it'd be rather ironic. I just hate that feeling when I can't bring myself to the truth because it's scary and harsh, so i force myself to say something that's, well, not the truth.
I hate chemistry. Chemistry, I discovered is a giant waste of my time. I plan on going to MCAD for college, and they don't take transfer science or math credits. I'm taking this class, essentially, just to screw up my GPA. Good choice, Alicia *pats herself on the back*. I hate it. The most effort i put into it was learning the elements really well, and going to the first couple lectures, and definitely doing all the labs, whether well or not, i don't know yet. I'd rather not find out. I have this unbelievable ability to drop something glass on the counter during lab. Oh, and it's always when there's like 6 other people in there at most. These are the moments that define my life; Klutzy, awkward, and alicia.
I have had the hankering to write some good old fashioned poetry lately, but nothing's really coming to me. There have been a lot of these random swirling thoughts in my brain, but nothing that functions...or really suits a purpose. No just random happenings in my mind about the absurdity of my life (that use of absurd was dedicated to margaret).
I think that's all folks!!
(i'll start out with my one philosophical thought of the week...)
I discovered i'm really bothered by the phrase "Love is Blind". With a little help from a friend, i discovered its origins were indeed not from the bible, but from Shakespeare. Go figure, the man got around, he probably never actually fell in love. I'm bothered by this statement simply because I believe that true, real love (whether romantic or otherwise) is not at all blind. On the contrary, it sees. Love sees past everything bad; it sees the good for what it's worth. Love can be logical, it's not all about your feelings and that fluttery thing in your chest (although that is usually nice). No, love is about sacrifice and it's about realizing what you're willing to sacrifice to keep something or someone around because they are that important to you.
Love is also about importance. What or who is most important becomes your priority. These two, what & who, can be confused with people too, though. You have to make sure that it's really the person, not what they do for you, or how they make you look. Whatever the case may be, love is about people.
Another occurring thought since i last blogged, I hate live music on CD. Not acoustic, acoustic by all means (love acoustic guitar!!!). Live music like from concerts where the crowd is louder than the band for the first 20 seconds of the song. Sometimes the intro is the best part. And when they sing along! Ugh, it drives me crazy...despite the fact that I can't go on a car ride without singing along with the music. It's a habit.
I talk to myself way too darn much. Way too darn much. I catch myself all the time, and then i tell myself that it's rather embarrassing to be conversing with myself and that i should stop before someone sees me. It's usually an extension of the conversation that makes no sense considering i find it to be a bad habit.
I want to write a really good novel. Before i die. Well, obviously. I'm sure in heaven i could write the perfect novel, but it wouldn't really matter then...cause it's heaven, perfection is its theme. I get all these random topics and plots that float into my head from my daily life experiences, but nothing significant enough...yet. Someday.
I really want kids. I need someone in my life to have some freaking babies soon or i'm going to be forced to babysit. I know, no one who bothers to read this would ever expect me to say that. But i just did. Me, babysitting. It's a scary thought, the kid'll be scarred for life. They're just so freaking cute!! And i can't even imagine the love that a parent has to have for their child after everything it takes. It just boggles me. I hope to have nieces and nephews sooner than later.
Life is in God's hands. No matter how hard we try to move it our own way or steer the course, he's there changing the landscape. God continues to amaze me, day after day. Which is funny because i'm just living life right now. I have no connection to the church accept friends and family who attend services. I've just been basking in God's presence in my everyday life for months now, and it's awesome. The only thing i miss is worship. I desperately miss worshiping God! Just closing my eyes and speaking to him, knowing that it pleases him. Having that immediate connection, that moment with God. He's been making it easier for me to trust him, helping me to find the path again. It's so funny, i haven't been going to church regularly for some time now and my relationship with God has grown in so many ways. I feel like i've learned to trust him a lot more with my future, and to see and hear his direction and embrace his guidance.
Life has been moving at such a fast pace. I got really scarred and taken aback in my british literature class the other day. We were reading some poem (Lord only knows what) and my professor said something about how the poem was saying that life goes on. It happens so fast, and we can't ever get that second back. Seconds go by, and by and by, and we waste them so often. I don't know exactly how he put it, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn't believe it, i had never really thought about it before and it was almost like a bunch of regret hit me...but not for anything specific, just for not appreciating time.
I'm one of those people who wants to die early. I'll feel bad for my friends and family left behind, but i think about 70 is just right. It's a morbid thought, but i'd much rather go where the streets have no name ; ) Me and Jesus could chill and he could teach me guitar...i actually hope we have the bodies we die in. I'll be some crazy old lady, just learning the guitar. Haha, but really, heaven just sounds so much better. I'll stay as long as God wants me to, but then it's like a ski-lift ride into the clouds!
I hate lying. I don't like to lie. I think it's just the way i am. I don't think i was made a person who finds pleasure or even solace in lies. I hate them with a passion. I think it's because my name means truth...otherwise it'd be rather ironic. I just hate that feeling when I can't bring myself to the truth because it's scary and harsh, so i force myself to say something that's, well, not the truth.
I hate chemistry. Chemistry, I discovered is a giant waste of my time. I plan on going to MCAD for college, and they don't take transfer science or math credits. I'm taking this class, essentially, just to screw up my GPA. Good choice, Alicia *pats herself on the back*. I hate it. The most effort i put into it was learning the elements really well, and going to the first couple lectures, and definitely doing all the labs, whether well or not, i don't know yet. I'd rather not find out. I have this unbelievable ability to drop something glass on the counter during lab. Oh, and it's always when there's like 6 other people in there at most. These are the moments that define my life; Klutzy, awkward, and alicia.
I have had the hankering to write some good old fashioned poetry lately, but nothing's really coming to me. There have been a lot of these random swirling thoughts in my brain, but nothing that functions...or really suits a purpose. No just random happenings in my mind about the absurdity of my life (that use of absurd was dedicated to margaret).
I think that's all folks!!
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