In My Waiting [& My Stupid Irrationality]

I am understanding; I am trying to understand. And what does it matter anyways? In all reality life goes on. I guess that's part of what makes it difficult, is that life goes on. I just don't like waiting, and I want what I want, yet I don't even always know what that is. What I want is constantly changing. Right now, who I am is changing, thankfully in ways that aren't negative. I thought that over the last year and a half, two years I've been learning patience, but all I've discovered now is I'm still too impatient. Well, this might not classify as impatience, but rather eagerness. Sometimes I get too distracted worrying about what life will be, as opposed to taking it as it comes.

Sometimes I think that maybe I'm a little more of a know-it-all that I realize. It's not that I have to always be right, but that I think I have a better grasp on things than I do. Which doesn't often harm me all that much, and it still hasn't. Just in a way that I wasn't expecting...because I thought I knew, even when I was second-guessing myself. I've been listening to this song this week, "everything" (not the michael buble one, but i like that too...). It says "God in my waiting,...be my everything", and I just realized I can't even dwell on this (although I know I will anyways) because God is sufficient, and so what if I was wrong?

I think to myself, "but what can God do about the fact that I'm stupid?", I really thought there's nothing. Then I have to remind myself, that no one is ever exempt from stupidity; I'm human. I'm going to make choices that I'll later regret, and I'm going to do things I'm not proud of. It's just being imperfect, which in the eyes of the One who loves me, doesn't matter.

Anger Renders Me Speechless

Crying is not good when your make-up gets in your eyes, and it stings because mascara is not supposed to go IN your eye. It's also hard when you don't know what to do, or how to help so much so that it becomes frustrating. You wish you could just stop all the madness! But there's really nothing you can do.

I don't get how anyone could be that mean to her. It just doesn't make sense. It's inconceivable, and unbelievable. I mean, you've really got to be a cold person to be mean to someone who's so nice; so undeserving of such treatment. I am so fuming right now! This is all my loyalty talking, but also the fact that this is the outright selfish politics of the simple-minded and cold-hearted, laced with immaturity. I'm honestly just baffled. Some people can't stand having the attention off of them for even a second to the extent that they create a situation to draw the spotlight back. Sadly, they don't realize the ramifications that can, and often do occur when they employ such infantile and hateful tactics.

I just hope they know what they're doing. I hope they understand what they're jeaopardizing! Because for as forgiving at the tender-hearted can be, it's hard to forget a scar.

A Glimmer in His Eyes

There's always a,
Glimmer in his eyes,
And though every part of me tries,
I can't not fall,
And that's got me,
Wondering,
Will it be worth it at all?

Cause he can't be,
Just another to recall,
I'm sick of breaking hearts,
And the feeling each time it starts,
I don't need yet another scar,
Or aching memory,
I want it to be something,
That I can take with me,
Where the laughter outweighs the tears,
And melts away the sorrows,
Of the wasted years,

Or is that too much to ask,
Of a steadily tainted world?
For something to be good;
For a love to be unfurled?
I surely hope not,
For my heart would be for waste,
Lost in this crooked world,
Painfully misplaced.

I Just Like Them

They can be strange together, and I hope I'm lucky enough to find someone who fits me as well as they fit one another :)

Love you guys :)

Job Application

I usually like applying to jobs, but not online. Not usually. I just applied to Dunn Bros, and I liked their application because it was simple; it wanted employment history, basic contact info, and current plans and future plans, as well as "anything else [they] should know". I like those, that's the one little blank that I can plug myself. I'm a better writer than I am interviewee.

Then there's the lovely questionnaires from Lund's. They have their tricky questions that you're not even sure what the correct answer should be, let alone how you would answer it. As an example:

"You've done your share of troublemaking"
Strongly Disagree
Disagree
Agree
Strongly Agree

I usually lean towards strongly disagree...but does that mean I haven't done my share?

or there's"
"People's feelings are their own business"

If I say I disagree, I might sound nosey. If I agree, I sound like I don't care about their feelings. I hate these questionnaires! They all have these two sides to them, making them a possible snare that would cause the system to throw out your application. It's happened to me before, luckily I had connections and got the job anyways, haha. But really, those questionnaires are stupid, I've never even been asked those questions in an interview! What genius worded them, too? Well, here's hoping my answers were sufficient!

I also finished sending my resume with pseudo-cover letters in a bunch of emails to various kinds of positions, from no-exp necessary DJ, to Barista, to Hostess, to wedding photographer! (that's the one I'm most intrigued by!!) So hopefully I find some kind of job that can add yet another life experience to my list, not just to my resume.

Ha, they want me to CLEAN

I'm quite annoyed at the moment. I just found out that our apartment is being shown tomorrow, for next fall. Yes, they gave us the proper amount of notice, but they want it clean. I live in a mess as it is, so that's not going to be happening. Sorry, but I have a life and plans and classes and homework, I didn't receive enough notice to clean my apartment so it's not a sty. Oops.

Also, come to find out I shouldn't have my dog here, at all. I guess technically, I was misinformed upon moving in here that I should've paid a fee to have her here. Pretty much the most important factor other than price...but whatever. Lies are always good, when you use them to get what you want.

So I am expected to drive my dog back to Bloomington today (when we were both just there yesterday, I could've just left her there) AND clean my apartment. My room is the worst part, the rest of our apartment is pretty clean, I've still got stuff in boxes, haha. Then tomorrow, I can't come home in that 4 hour gap I have between classes. I'll pretty much be napping at the union, like all the other unfortunates that can't go home. For my lack of nap, they shall have a dirty bedroom. I guess I'll "tidy up" the rest, but my room would be too much work to tackle in what little free time I have. Also, I don't like to clean by force or expectation. That's not how I roll, I clean in rare but existing random spurts.

Oh, the joys of apartment life!

Crumbly Cookies

It has been quite the boring week this week. Interestingly boring, that is. Ah, but there is yet sunday for something to make this week. I sound so dramatic, like my life is deadly boring. It's not, it's a little...but not deadly.

Let's see, reflecting upon my blah week. Well, there was the documentary we watched in Doc. Cinema on Monday. It was about this kid who's life was really screwed up and he started cross-dressing at a really young age and knew he was gay. It was super trippy and depressing.

Tuesday I'm pretty positive ABSOLUTELY nothing happened. I went to class. I don't even remember tuesday. Ha, that sounds bad...

Wednesday, Madge & I hung out. We got dinner and coffee. This is a trend amongst my friends and I. I'd cook for us, but I think they are afraid of that, lol.

Thursday was the snow storm. Walking to class I slipped on a patch of ice covered in a good 4 inches of snow and fell on the left side of my butt. That should be a lovely bruise. Later that night I decided to take a bath! I swear I hadn't take one since I was like 8 or something. Haha, too bad our tub is really short...didn't really ponder the bath idea that long. I forgot I actually own a rubber-ducky.

Friday was carrie & my crazy uptown experience. I earned another bruise wacking my hip-bone into the granite table top we sat at in the coffee-bar. That was extremely painful.

Today, I had my car jump-started by a local AAA company. Haha, the guy was probably in his 30's or 40's and made the most conversation with me I've had someone I've just met make in a long time (just to give an idea we talked politics, haha)! I'm pretty sure he was interested...which was awkward, but also just funny. I had a good laugh with that one after he left. "Where is home?" LOL Ooooooh gosh.

Then I went home, it had almost been a whole week! I was so proud of myself because I didn't even notice til I already got home. I ate dinner with Shayne and my parents, avec the usual shayne and my witty comments that slide right past my mom and dad. Oh the fun we have.

Then I got to see Sara! I always find it so funny how alike we are, but still totally different. I always enjoy our spastic, slightly judgmental conversations that we probably shouldn't be having in public. She is awesome :) enough said!

Nothing extremely eventful, but lots of little things to make me laugh this week. More than even these. That's how the cookie crumbles.