Random Swirling Thoughts From My Brain

I haven't had a lot of coherent thoughts lately so i haven't been blogging. I dearly love to write before i go to sleep so i figure i'll write all my random tidbits from my brain out into a giant chaotic blog. Sound like fun? Okay, then!

(i'll start out with my one philosophical thought of the week...)

I discovered i'm really bothered by the phrase "Love is Blind". With a little help from a friend, i discovered its origins were indeed not from the bible, but from Shakespeare. Go figure, the man got around, he probably never actually fell in love. I'm bothered by this statement simply because I believe that true, real love (whether romantic or otherwise) is not at all blind. On the contrary, it sees. Love sees past everything bad; it sees the good for what it's worth. Love can be logical, it's not all about your feelings and that fluttery thing in your chest (although that is usually nice). No, love is about sacrifice and it's about realizing what you're willing to sacrifice to keep something or someone around because they are that important to you.

Love is also about importance. What or who is most important becomes your priority. These two, what & who, can be confused with people too, though. You have to make sure that it's really the person, not what they do for you, or how they make you look. Whatever the case may be, love is about people.

Another occurring thought since i last blogged, I hate live music on CD. Not acoustic, acoustic by all means (love acoustic guitar!!!). Live music like from concerts where the crowd is louder than the band for the first 20 seconds of the song. Sometimes the intro is the best part. And when they sing along! Ugh, it drives me crazy...despite the fact that I can't go on a car ride without singing along with the music. It's a habit.

I talk to myself way too darn much. Way too darn much. I catch myself all the time, and then i tell myself that it's rather embarrassing to be conversing with myself and that i should stop before someone sees me. It's usually an extension of the conversation that makes no sense considering i find it to be a bad habit.

I want to write a really good novel. Before i die. Well, obviously. I'm sure in heaven i could write the perfect novel, but it wouldn't really matter then...cause it's heaven, perfection is its theme. I get all these random topics and plots that float into my head from my daily life experiences, but nothing significant enough...yet. Someday.

I really want kids. I need someone in my life to have some freaking babies soon or i'm going to be forced to babysit. I know, no one who bothers to read this would ever expect me to say that. But i just did. Me, babysitting. It's a scary thought, the kid'll be scarred for life. They're just so freaking cute!! And i can't even imagine the love that a parent has to have for their child after everything it takes. It just boggles me. I hope to have nieces and nephews sooner than later.

Life is in God's hands. No matter how hard we try to move it our own way or steer the course, he's there changing the landscape. God continues to amaze me, day after day. Which is funny because i'm just living life right now. I have no connection to the church accept friends and family who attend services. I've just been basking in God's presence in my everyday life for months now, and it's awesome. The only thing i miss is worship. I desperately miss worshiping God! Just closing my eyes and speaking to him, knowing that it pleases him. Having that immediate connection, that moment with God. He's been making it easier for me to trust him, helping me to find the path again. It's so funny, i haven't been going to church regularly for some time now and my relationship with God has grown in so many ways. I feel like i've learned to trust him a lot more with my future, and to see and hear his direction and embrace his guidance.

Life has been moving at such a fast pace. I got really scarred and taken aback in my british literature class the other day. We were reading some poem (Lord only knows what) and my professor said something about how the poem was saying that life goes on. It happens so fast, and we can't ever get that second back. Seconds go by, and by and by, and we waste them so often. I don't know exactly how he put it, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn't believe it, i had never really thought about it before and it was almost like a bunch of regret hit me...but not for anything specific, just for not appreciating time.

I'm one of those people who wants to die early. I'll feel bad for my friends and family left behind, but i think about 70 is just right. It's a morbid thought, but i'd much rather go where the streets have no name ; ) Me and Jesus could chill and he could teach me guitar...i actually hope we have the bodies we die in. I'll be some crazy old lady, just learning the guitar. Haha, but really, heaven just sounds so much better. I'll stay as long as God wants me to, but then it's like a ski-lift ride into the clouds!

I hate lying. I don't like to lie. I think it's just the way i am. I don't think i was made a person who finds pleasure or even solace in lies. I hate them with a passion. I think it's because my name means truth...otherwise it'd be rather ironic. I just hate that feeling when I can't bring myself to the truth because it's scary and harsh, so i force myself to say something that's, well, not the truth.

I hate chemistry. Chemistry, I discovered is a giant waste of my time. I plan on going to MCAD for college, and they don't take transfer science or math credits. I'm taking this class, essentially, just to screw up my GPA. Good choice, Alicia *pats herself on the back*. I hate it. The most effort i put into it was learning the elements really well, and going to the first couple lectures, and definitely doing all the labs, whether well or not, i don't know yet. I'd rather not find out. I have this unbelievable ability to drop something glass on the counter during lab. Oh, and it's always when there's like 6 other people in there at most. These are the moments that define my life; Klutzy, awkward, and alicia.

I have had the hankering to write some good old fashioned poetry lately, but nothing's really coming to me. There have been a lot of these random swirling thoughts in my brain, but nothing that functions...or really suits a purpose. No just random happenings in my mind about the absurdity of my life (that use of absurd was dedicated to margaret).

I think that's all folks!!

My Current Life Update

I have had some of the crappiest weeks of my life lately. I've been getting next to no sleep, no not even naps, i've been apparently in an argument with a friend, i've been working up the courage to tell another how they had hurt me, and not to mention i missed a shift at work. It's just sucked, and i'm getting a cold. That's always fun. The few but existent good parts of the last couple weeks: I've seen a lot of at least one of my bestest friends (Margaret who helps keep me down to earth and knows all). My brother is dating an awesome girl, named Laura who also likes a lot of things that i/my family like(s) which is cool. Classes aren't sucking even though going to them after having opened at Caribou does suck.

Back to what sucks: i have barely seen anything of carrie or sara. I was like dying and i finally got to see sara on thursday and she totally made me feel so much better! What i would do without that girl, i do not know!! I'm getting together with Carrie tomorrow at lunch for a tiny brief hour and twenty minutes, unless i drive fast (hahaha, ruled out due to the current 2 speeding tickets on my record). I am definitely excited i haven't seen her in what seems like forever either! AHHH! How do we survive? I think i need her more than she needs me, haha. Mostly because i'm dying without her! Like my organs are on strike...except not. I'm being overdramatic as i do only in my writing and joking. But i am sincerely excited to see her even if only for an hour i will suffer through 35 W north. haha, that is true love.

What else sucks? Not much, i mean there's the stress...but other than that and the lack of sleep and not seeing the people i need to stay alive...life is good. Haha, sounds really convincing, huh? Well, i'm going to finish my cup of milk and my game of mahjong and then i'm going to read some poetry before i go to bed. Yay! Early to bed, late to rise! hehe. i'm pumped.

The Anger That Is Within Me

This anger has been growing from day to day,
I just wish you'd listen to the words i have to say,
Since when did you begin to care,
After I needed you and you weren't there,
I cried myself to sleep many a time,
After thinking of your minor crime,
But it is all in the eye of the beholder,
Beyond a breaking hearts is there none the bolder,
I shook with rage today,
When i thought of what i might say,
And i bite my lip of whose blood i slightly sip,
It stings, but nothing compared to this sick feeling wrought,
I don't know what it was that you thought,
When you said something such as that to me,
Didn't you know that through i would see,
Through your sick and twisted ways,
That I’ve known for countless days,
Now even more, the anger is boiling,
And the good inside me is toiling,
Fighting the anger that is not natural there,
Inside the deepest caverns where,
I hide those feelings when maybe I shouldn't,
I had so much to say but knew i wouldn't,
Now to stand up for myself and avenge my heart,
Put back the pieces as they were at the start,
Times, i want to take yours and smash it on the floor,
But i don't know what that would do anymore,
I don't know when it's time to give up,
And when there will be time to live up,
Because so much has been done that i've lost sight of the fun,
We used to have,
That no longer lingers,
I can barely point with writhing fingers,
Anger shaking at the core quaking,
I swear it's seeped into my bones,
Making me cry out in aching tones,
For it is my heart that provokes me to speak,
Not my desire to be perceived as meek,
As for you my child not a thing you do is mild,
You are desperately seeking attention,
So blatantly and without apprehension,
I wonder how you yourself view,
I know that it is like few,
For you are a rare and terrible breed,
One that shames not to concede,
If only you knew what it was to be,
What it is in this world that you see,
When you look into another’s eyes,
As they mask pain in a weighing disguise,
But you, you have no sympathy,
For it is about no one except for thee.

I Have the Next 3 Years of My Life Mapped Out

I feel some kind of disgusting relief, for i know what i am going to do with the next 3 years of my life. 3 years, that's pretty far in advance for me to plan considering i call at 8 at night to check if i work the next morning at 5:30. Yes, super planning ahead. As we speak i am procrastinating...on sleeping. One of the things i love most in this world. But i am willing to sacrifice it for my friends...but that's a whole other story.

I have mapped out my plans for college which now happen to be more complicated than they were before...far more complicated. I found out a rough, but fairly accurate estimate of the total cost to go to MCAD (Minneapolis College of Art & Design). I know i want to go to this school, so don't try and talk me out of it. I have a plan! When i received this estimate, it was hard to swallow. It's a lot of money, and i know everyone goes into debt and i had basically gotten to the point where i didn't care how far into debt i went. It's even so much that with FAFSA i may get money, that which with almost any other college i won't because on paper my parents make a lot of money even though they can't afford to pay for school. So its' a high price.

Anyways, after hearing that and that they don't accept transfer science or math credits, i started thinking about how i was already 12 credits short of an associates degree. That's basically an easy semester's worth of a bunch of beginning arts credits i can take somewhere else. Then i also need to make up for my 8 math and science credits that won't transfer there. Thus, i had decided about 2 or so weeks ago to go to Normandale for another year next year, two light semesters and it's a minor fraction of what it would cost me to go to MCAD. So i could save myself a BOATLOAD of money by just suffering another year at Normandale.

Then things got more interesting. I want to study abroad in Paris, France but MCAD doesn't offer Paris as a location. They do however offer Ireland. So i was trying to figure out how i could go to Paris, because Normandale has very few study abroad options and Paris is definitely not going to be an option for some time there. Hence, i thought about the school my lovely cousin is studying abroad in Scotland through, U-W River Falls! I figured i can go there to go to France. They have a very flexible program for study abroad. You have to have a minimum of 60 credits, which i will if i go to Normandale and take a 12 credit semester next fall (2008). I would take french 3 then too! Maybe a culture class.

So i'd have an opportunity to go to France before transfering to MCAD in the fall of 2009. At which point i could remain in Minneapolis for the fall semester and in the spring of 2010 i could study abroad in Ireland through MCAD. Then my senior year i would finish everything up at MCAD.

I obviously will talk this over with an MCAD admissions person before I get my hopes up, but for now it's relieving!

My Interest Statement for MCAD

All throughout my childhood, I had a long awkward film camera that survived everything. I learned how to work it, and started taking my own snapshots at a young age. I’ve always thought a photograph was the perfect way to ensure I’d always have a memory, and that it made it easy to share that memory with another person. When my family took trips to the mountains of Colorado, I loved the nature that surrounded me. I took simple photos of the looming peaks, not knowing they would be the first of many.

My freshman year of high school I reluctantly signed up for photography as an elective because my sister had taken it and hated it. I was quite frankly scared that it would be even half as awful as she claimed it to be. As the teacher introduced himself, I began to think the class wouldn’t go well. His name was Mr. Eby, and he was a middle school football coach who was only there for the term, because the other teachers were unavailable. This seemed like a bad sign.

Mr. Eby ended up being a very easy going teacher, and yet my eyes were opened to this new art form. I had taken an introduction to 2D art class previously that school year and although I enjoyed it, this was a whole new adventure. The rule of thirds seemed to change my world. The simple concept that you rarely, if ever placed your subject exactly in the center of a photo changed the way I look at pictures. It’s interesting now to think how exciting it was to learn those basic rules.

I remember my first time rolling film, it was so stressful. It took patience to withstand the whole developing process, at the end of which one would discover whether or not they had correctly rolled their film. I even recall first entering the darkroom. Everyone groaned at the smell of the chemicals that hung in the air. By the end of the term I was used to the smell, and began to miss it after the term was over. I still love the smell of the chemicals on my hands after a printing session in the darkroom.

From that course on, photography has been a passion of mine. The more I embraced it, the more real it became; this is what I wanted to do. My brother knew of my interest in photography, and helped me get a job through a friend of his. It was a small, but well known photography studio here in Bloomington that I’ve been with since 2005.

I heard about MCAD from a fellow photo student at my community college. He planned to take design there in fall of 2007. I had only known about it, but when it came time to look at schools, I decided to research it on a whim. After receiving more information on the school, I was hooked. I became more and more interested in what the school had to offer with every mailing. I thought Minneapolis would be a great place to study the art of photography. Not only do I love the city, I liked that I wouldn’t have to be far from home, yet I could still have an adventure in a big city! Although it’s a small school, I know I’ll have smaller classes equaling more one on one time with instructors. Overall, the info given me about MCAD drew me in and convinced me to seriously consider the school.

I would hope to be out exploring the world in five years. I want to see what there is out there and show the world my perspective on what I see. Ideally, I would be working as a photojournalist; showing what’s happening in the world without words or deception. I would also like to be a freelance photographer, getting a taste of everything.

In ten years, I would like to be in one place, possibly working for a newspaper or magazine in either an urban or suburban city. My dream would be to sell my artwork in a gallery as well. A part of me hopes to be settled down, using my degree for my own entertainment; not necessarily to make a living, but to truly pursue my passion,- for me.

The Frigid Cold

The frigid cold that penetrates my bones,
Drives me to speak quivering tones,
My teeth are wildly chattering,
I sniffle loudly which is not flattering,
I feel the cold has robbed me of all joy,
No happiness can my heart employ,
Not as I walk through this biting night,
Every step is like a trying fight,
My right foot throws the first punch,
As my back begins to hunch,
Then my left throws the next,
My cold body is entirely vexed,
I proceed further on still,
Wondering why I did this out of will,
My poor hands are suffering so much,
Everything is cold now to the touch,
I think that I might parish now,
Know that I loved you and how.

English Literature Class

Time slips by so slow,
I sit in this room with no window,
Nothing to look at to soften my eyes,
That indeed would then soften my heart,
The four same voices echoing from wall to wall,
It really means nothing to the hearts of us all,
Toes are tapping,
Fingers are rapping,

Colors that usually dance before my eyes,
Are a clever and cunning disguise,
For a place that could not be more dull,
Even if conversation were to lull,
The occasional rattle of a restless chair,
A sigh of nothing floats on cold air,
I don't know that I can endure,
This in the future if it is to occur.