Lately I feel like I've lost my words - okay, try the last several months. I haven't written much, which I'm sure that doesn't help. I have been spending a lot of time alone, a lot of time not being creative, haven't interacted with a team toward a common goal. I'm not in a small group. The holidays meant I didn't see much of my friends... Somehow, a culmination of these and things I'm probably not even aware of seems to have robbed me of clarity I felt I once had. I have been putting my foot in my mouth, I have been accidentally offending people. I've been impressing upon others that I'm something I know I'm not.
When it comes to communication, I'd say I'm big on adapting the message to the audience. It's somewhat in our nature in fact, we use different dialects with different people (one of those interpersonal communication things that fascinates me). Sometimes I'm not great at it. Sometimes I think I've found a brilliant way to say something, that I've curated the perfect words for what I want to communicate - and yet I fail. Miserably.
And I've felt off my game. Here and there I've had a handful of conversations that were downright frustrating. It's like I'm losing my edge. And the funny thing about it is, the same conundrum arises as I'm writing about it: there seems no possible resolve.
When I started writing this, this is where I got stuck for a few days. I couldn't figure it out; how will I wrap this up? Without a good wrap-up, there's no point in writing if only to tell people I have a human struggle. That's the point of this blog, I have a human struggle and a unique perspective on what to do with it.
Well, the thing I realized is that it's about me. I'm the hold-up. If I'm feeling stubborn and prideful, I think everyone else just isn't getting it. And you know, maybe they aren't but, going back to the basics of communication, it's on me to adapt. Often, I am adaptable and I'll describe myself as such, but I fail at it too. When I get frustrated in communication, it's because I'm getting lazy or prideful. If I won't change my message to try and make it clearer, try to get through and simultaneously diffuse, then I can't expect resolve. If I won't dig into myself and exercise patience and compassion, I won't see a resolution.
What I've been questioning for both myself and others is: what is the point of conflict and dialogue? It seems all too often, the goal isn't mutual understanding but rather, self-assertion. When I see it, I try to remind others to choose compassion and patience and understanding, but in reality I need to start with myself. I need to take inventory of places where I lack compassion, patience, understanding, and mercy, then I need to enact those things there. I think of my least favorite verse in the Bible, it's a line about commenting on a speck of sawdust in someone else's eye, but you have a log in your own. It's the hardest way to seek change, but you have to practice what you preach.
So as I practice adapting my communication and enacting patience, maybe my patience and my understanding will grow. There are sure to be trials and errors, but it seems a worthwhile cause.
