I even got to have the Europe trip of a lifetime (okay well knock off a few bucket list items at least) halfway through 2016, yet I forget because the Dark, Dark place overshadowed it. And no, there didn't seem to be a glisten of hope in sight. It felt like if anything everything seemed to compound. So I'd gotten to a point of apathy, which is a bit of understanding that I don't have control; I can put in my best effort, I can kick ass at my job or pay off a bunch of debt and save up a bunch of money, I can put loads of energy into a relationship...and it is no semblance of control. You might think you're go-with-the-flow until everything feels like it sucks, when - all of a sudden - you realize you're just as much of a control addict as the next guy... The point being, it built up like a shitty sediment, and the vicious cycle of apathy and realizing you have no control doesn't help.
But there's a secret to the place where everything sucks -- some people told me in regards to the breakup early on, when it might as well have been gibberish which I only now know to be true:
It's terrible until one day when it's not anymore.
I went to the doctor yet again this week and finally got answers - let alone confirmation I'm not just a hypochonriac-quack. See, I'd spent nearly the entire stint of unemployment mysteriously ailed by something. The mystery finally being solved (among other things) got me thinking: Fortunate misfortune, as my life tends to like to bring about, being without any substantial income or unemployment benefits has allowed me to get on state healthcare. Premiums and deductibles are extremely minimal. So with the possibility I'll need surgery to correct the not-so-mysterious-after-all illness, it's a great time to be unemployed and a little broke.
Not long after I was laid off, I took the job hunt to a not-so-local but favorite coffee shop. It became the daily go-to haunt when I noticed a really, really handsome guy who also frequented made eye contact and threw me a smile...which also became a daily, multiple-times-a-day occurence. With a still-healing heart and a jaded attitude, I admired him from afar, doubting that my desire to know him would ever be quenched. People have different stories of how they get together, but in my book this one goes: I looked at him and smiled until he couldn't take it anymore and had to talk to me. If it weren't for an employment vacancy formerly believed to be poorly-timed, I likely would not have stared this wonderful man into being my boyfriend. He's more than I could've imagined, let alone being equally as vexed by me as I am by him.
Now, I will not go so far as to say these are the "whys" of losing a job I loved with colleagues that felt like family and work that felt important - I won't say that, but I will say when there's a bend in the path, we don't always know that where it might lead us could turn out to be more splendid than the path had appeared. The seemingly straight and narrow with its false sense of security pales to the beauty in the adventure of a winding, curving, rising and falling road; far more rich and worthwhile. Maybe such a curve will take you to a place you find deep healing, right into the very tissues that felt strangely and subtly off the way my tonsils have all this time. Parts of me needed the bend, couldn't be somewhere better without it.
Now, I will not go so far as to say these are the "whys" of losing a job I loved with colleagues that felt like family and work that felt important - I won't say that, but I will say when there's a bend in the path, we don't always know that where it might lead us could turn out to be more splendid than the path had appeared. The seemingly straight and narrow with its false sense of security pales to the beauty in the adventure of a winding, curving, rising and falling road; far more rich and worthwhile. Maybe such a curve will take you to a place you find deep healing, right into the very tissues that felt strangely and subtly off the way my tonsils have all this time. Parts of me needed the bend, couldn't be somewhere better without it.
