I'm so tired of being in pain. I keep mistakenly telling people I'm doing better, usually because I haven't cried in a couple days, so I think it's true. And I just want it to be over.
Truthfully, the swells just get further apart, I guess, but still another inevitably appears and pulls me under. I could be having the best day I've had in a while, and it comes. It is a persistent bastard, pain. I want so badly to just rid it from me; to not feel like a wave of despair is creeping around every bend. I knew it would take an ambiguous "forever", I just didn't know each day could be so heavy and feel so long. That they would slowly stack up as a meaningless figure that simply informed me how long it is I've been entrapped.
Everyone wants me to be fine, so instead of talking about it as incessantly as the thoughts are streaming through my head, I cry in the bathroom for a few minutes and leave with puffy red eyes. I feel like a fool, for loving with a heart so open, but there's nothing I can do but hold to the shred of hope I have that someday it won't hurt.
Grief is exhausting, pain is relentless.
